Into the Deep

Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

Edinburgh, November 2012

Between the two of us, Claudia and I were racking up an insane amount of angst over boys. Boys! I wanted to be fifteen again when I didn’t give a crap about them.

The day after Halloween, I nursed a hangover and split my time among wallowing in confusion and self-pity, writing my paper, and attempting to get the truth out of Claudia.

After downing an aspirin and shoveling back the falafel wrap Claudia had gone bravely in search of, I broached the subject I should’ve broached pre-Halloween booty call.

“What is going on with you?” I asked, concerned, pulling my knees up to my chest and curling into one of the waiting room chairs in the kitchen. We were alone and the night before was fresh, albeit hazy, in my mind. It was as good a time as any to hash this out with her. “Something is bugging you.”

Claudia was lying on the hard linoleum floor, her dark hair spread out around her head, her hands flat on her stomach. Her golden complexion looked a little pale—I wasn’t the only one who had seriously overimbibed last night. She closed her eyes at my question. “It’s obvious there’s something between me and Beck, right? ”

I snorted. “Um, yes.”

“It’s obvious to everyone.” One eye opened as she peeked at me. “The sexual tension is killing me.” She closed it again. “But he wants the best of both worlds. He wants the closeness of a girlfriend without committing to it. And to get his rocks off, he sleeps with other girls he’s made no such promises to.”

Seeing the strain in her features, I asked softly, “Is he hurting you?”

“Is Jake hurting you?”

I took that as a yes. “Should we stop hanging out with them?” It occurred to me that I didn’t know what I wanted her answer to be.

“I wish I could say yes … but I don’t want to stop spending time with Beck.” Claudia sighed and pushed up into a sitting position, tugging her fingers through her hair. “Last night was stupid. I was attracted to Zach, I’m not saying I wasn’t, but it was stupid. I’m pissed off about Beck and I just went for it. You know what, though?” Her expression was a little sheepish as she confessed, “Beck walking in on it made it worthwhile. It made my point. He doesn’t want me, fine. But other guys do.”

“He definitely seemed annoyed.”

“And then he started making out with some random.”

I winced. “You saw that, huh?”

Claudia rolled her eyes. “He’s such a coward. And trying to get reactions out of each other, hurting each other? That’s not good. Definitely not good. I thought last night might have pushed us in a final direction, but he texted me this morning as if everything is fine.”

“Probably because he doesn’t want to stop hanging out with you, just like you don’t want to stop hanging out with him.”

“We’re a mess. ”

“So …” I shrugged like it was no big deal. “Sleeping with strangers?”

She cut me a sullen look, as if I’d judged her. “I just wanted to try it.”

“Don’t get defensive. I’m not judging. I swear. It’s just not like you.”

“I know.”

“Well? What was it like?” I was genuinely curious.

Claud wrinkled her nose. “It was good, but not great. Kind of like eating vanilla ice cream when you really only ever eat chocolate.”

I wanted to say I understood that analogy but I didn’t.

“What about Jake? Anything of note happen last night?”

I grunted and proceeded to tell her about him leaving the party in a mood over my escapades.

Now it was Claudia’s turn to look concerned. “Spending time with each other is obviously confusing you. Maybe you should stay away from one another for a while. And don’t say I should take my own advice.” She groaned again and flopped back on the floor. “We suck at this right now.”

“I don’t think it’ll be a problem for me to stay away from Jake. Unlike you, I didn’t get a text this morning and I doubt I will. Ever.” It was hard keeping my tone light, casual, when the very thought of not speaking to Jake again felt like an impossible and painful prospect.

Just as it had felt almost four years ago.

After saying such to Claudia, I was taken aback to find Jake waiting at the gates to our courtyard a few days later. I was heading out for the gym on our usual day and Jake always met me there. But I hadn’t expected to see him after the Halloween party.

Trying to calm my heart, I slowed to a stop in front of him. He was leaning against the wall, his hands inside the pockets of the black, double-breasted wool coat he wore over his black jeans. A soft blue scarf was tied around his neck, bracing him against the Scottish Fall. Could it have killed him to not look good … just once?

I was wrapped up warm in my own coat and scarf but I was wearing my gym clothes underneath. Jake was here … but by his attire, I could assume he wasn’t coming to the gym with me. So why was he here?

Jake lifted his gaze from the ground and once again, my body reacted to the impact of his dark eyes. I shivered and crossed my arms over my chest in a protective gesture.

“I’m sorry about the other night,” he apologized softly.

“It’s okay.” I knew we were both wondering if I meant it.

The silence between us became too thick to bear and I made a little huffing noise before telling him dryly, “I didn’t sleep with him. And he wasn’t happy about it.” Why was I explaining myself? Was I really that afraid of him being mad at me? After what’d he’d done? It occurred to me I might need therapy.

As I pondered over whether it was a bad idea to get free therapy from Andie, since she was hardly impartial over the subject, a dangerous alertness leapt into Jake’s expression. “How not happy? Did he do something to you?” he pushed off the wall, bristling with aggression.

I hurried to assure him. “No, no. He was just a jerk. But an honest one.”

“Lowe didn’t say. He just said he walked you home.”

“Yeah.”

The silence returned.

Two girls walked past, their eyes glued to Jake. As they walked up the hill away from us, they started giggling and casting smiles at him over their shoulders.

Some things never changed .

“It took me off guard,” Jake suddenly said.

I turned back to him, frowning in confusion. “What?”

“Seeing you … with him. It took me off guard. I reacted badly. I’m sorry.”

Even more confused than I’d already been, I dragged a hand over my head and down through my ponytail, trying to think what the best answer was. Something not confusing. Something that reminded us where we were now. I didn’t do it gently. “It’s been a while, Jake. You must know that there have been other guys.” Guy singular, but he didn’t need to know that. I’d already explained myself when I didn’t need to, confusing the situation even more.

If I were anyone else, I would’ve missed that little flare of anger in the back of his eyes. He hid it well and he hid it quickly. “Of course. I’m just trying to wrap my head around all of this. Sometimes it feels like only yesterday we were lying in the back of my truck, you know.”

“Well, it wasn’t.”

Jake studied me a moment and I tried my best not to squirm. Finally, he nodded. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I just came here to see if I hadn’t fucked everything up again.”

I wanted to scream at him—demand to know why he’d fucked everything up in the first place, and then stuck the knife in deeper by bringing another girl to the place we’d planned to come together. Instead, I nodded tightly. “We’re good.”

He appeared to relax a little and he gave me a small smile. “We’ll go to the gym together next time, yeah?”

My answering smile was equally small. “Sure.”

“So your mom says Jacob Caplin’s there and that you’re spending time with him.”

Silently, I cursed my mother. I should’ve known she wouldn’t be able to keep this from Dad. Thankfully, Dad and I were talking on the phone and not on Skype so he couldn’t see my murderous expression. “Mmm-hmm.”

“Don’t ‘mmm-hmm’ me. Were you ever going to tell me?”

“There’s not much to tell, Dad.”

“That boy broke your heart. I don’t want him near enough to do it again.”

“That’s not going to happen.”

“I’m not convinced.”

“Dad, I don’t want to talk about this with you.”

Dad sighed, causing the line to crackle. “You were just a kid, Charlotte, and he changed you. One minute you were happier than I’d ever seen you, and the next you were closed off. I didn’t like having to watch that.”

I bowed my head, feeling at once loved and sorry that I’d done that to my family. “I’m not anymore,” I promised him softly.

“You sure about that, sweetheart? Because I don’t see any other boy hanging around. Let’s not even get started on Alex.”

“I don’t want to talk about Alex, either, Dad. There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Maybe you should come home.”

I laughed and then immediately sighed. “I’m okay. I won’t do anything stupid. Lesson learned.”

“You know you can still trust people, Charley, without it turning into another lesson. I think Jake is just this reminder that you can’t depend on people, and I don’t want my daughter feeling that way.”

“I don’t feel that way about people … I feel that way about Jake. There’s a difference. ”

“Then why are you hanging around the boy?”

“Because he’s friends with my friends,” I lied.

Before my dad could say anything else, I heard Mom calling him to get his breakfast. It was Saturday, early there, and Dad had called before he had to head to work. It would’ve been nice to talk to him about something other than Jake.

“Got to go, sweetheart. You take care, all right? We’ll speak soon. Love you.”

“Me too. Bye, Dad.”

I hung up and growled at my cell. I was going to kill my mother.

Hearing masculine laughter from the kitchen, I wondered if it was Beck and decided to go in and keep him and Claud company. The two of them were very busy pretending everything was cool between them. However, Claudia confided it helped when they weren’t alone.

And yet they still spent time alone together. That completely made sense. Not.

Strolling into the kitchen, I discovered it wasn’t just Beck and Claud in there. Lowe, Jake, Gemma, and Matt were sitting around chatting.

“Hey,” I greeted as I came to a stop near Jake. We’d been to the gym together since our little chat outside at the gates. We’d also grabbed coffee and taken a stroll through Regent Gardens and into Leith, wandering around the cold city and talking about everything. Everything except us. We’d distracted ourselves from that by joking around in tourist shops trying on tartan hats with ginger hair glued inside them, and drinking Starbucks while we nibbled on sugary Scottish tablet that made our teeth ache. I’d also attempted to take a photograph of Jake standing next to a bagpiper dressed in full tartan regalia. The piper— not the same guy every time— stood on the corner of Princes Street and Waverly Station. He wasn’t there every day but he was there a lot, and I got used to his pipes playing the soundtrack to my life in Scotland. Some people didn’t like the pipes, but for me they were like this sentient being that totally got me. As soon as I neared New Town it was like those pipes sensed me and whatever mood I was in its tune would change, as if it was saying, ‘Me too’. Some days it was lively, its high pitched song in harmony with me as it said, ‘I’m feeling good today too. The air is crisp, I’m in a land full of mystery, and I feel up for an adventure’. Other days, more often of late since Jake came so thoroughly back into my life, the pipe’s song swung from reflective to almost mournful. Sometimes I’d stand on the opposite side of the street, the pedestrians and traffic quieting to a hum beneath the pipe’s story. Like Scotland itself, the melancholy tune was quiet, dignified, braving life and keeping the secret of its pain buried. Its haunting wail never failed to cause the hair on the back of my neck to rise. Twice now Jake had come upon me just standing there listening to it. Twice now he’d just looked at me as if he knew exactly what I was thinking but was afraid to bring it up—an action (or inaction rather) that was becoming common between us.

After the guys greeted me, Jake suddenly reached up, grabbed my hand, and jerked me down onto the arm of his chair in an unconsciously familiar move. When I looked at him, he just gave me a small smile and turned back to listen to what Beck was saying.

I, on the other hand, searched the room to see if anyone’s expression resembled mine. My eyes immediately locked on Lowe, his eyebrow raised in my direction.

Shrugging at his silent question, I watched on bemused as he smiled and took a sip of his soda. While I stewed over Jake’s behavior, Lowe returned his focus to Beck and Claudia.

Glancing down at Jake, I tried to ignore the squeeze in my belly as I watched him smile at whatever Beck was saying. He had enviously thick eyelashes and a beautiful mouth. A perfect mouth. I’d spent hours when we were together nibbling on his lower lip, which was classically fuller than his top.

Sensing my study, Jake looked up at me and I covered my longing with feigned casualness. “Where are Melissa, Den, and Row?”

“Mel’s with some friends and Den and Row are still sleeping.”

I nodded, relaxing more now that I realized Melissa wasn’t going to be appearing out of the bathroom and asking me why on earth I was perched on the arm of her boyfriend’s chair. “What have you all been talking about?”

Claudia whirled around, her long hair whipping Beck in the chest. He barely flinched, silently telling us he was used to it. I knew I was. She once almost took out my eye with her hair whip.

“We’re talking about Thanksgiving. Since none of us are going home for it, I thought we could bring it to us. I’ve offered to do the cooking.”

I didn’t argue with that. Although Claudia only cooked when she could be bothered, she was actually pretty good at it. “Sounds great.”

“Why am I turned on at the thought of Claud and Char cooking for us?” Matt asked, seeming genuinely bemused by his predicament.

“Because you’re a horny dick and you need to get laid,” Lowe grunted at him.

“You can remove Charley from that fantasy,” Jake added, laughter in his words. “She can’t cook for shit.”

His behavior minutes ago, plus the conversation I’d just had with my dad, made me suddenly irritated by Jake’s overfamiliarity. “Maybe I can cook now,” I scowled down at him.

He raised both eyebrows. “Can you?”

“No,” I huffed, “but it’s been almost four years, Jake.”

He was scowling back at me now. “Point being? ”

“Stop acting like you know me.”

The muscle in his jaw ticked. “A little hard to do … because I do know you.”

Thus commenced a death stare match.

We glared into one another’s eyes, neither refusing to give in, and then suddenly, memories of arguments ending in kisses flared behind my eyes.

I knew the moment Jake remembered too because the air between us wasn’t angry anymore … it was sexual.

My skin flushed and I flexed my hands, trying to ignore the pulsing throb in my neck and the blood whooshing in my ears. It was hard to do when I recognized all too well the look in Jake’s eyes.

“I can cook it on my own,” Claudia announced loudly, shattering the moment. I jerked my head around to see her giving me a look that screamed, “What the hell are you doing?” before turning back to Beck. “It’s cool. We’ll get a bird and everything. I can handle it.”

At least one of us could handle something.

For once the kitchen didn’t seem so cold with eight of us crammed around the table. True to her word, Claudia had cooked Thanksgiving dinner and to our surprise, Lowe had helped. Maggie, Gemma, and Laura had left us to our traditions, as had Rowena. That meant Jake, Claudia, Beck, Lowe, Melissa, Matt, Denver, and I were cozied together at the table.

We were tucking in, lots of “mmms” and “Claud, I love you” being thrown around the table. It was easy to forget everything else, to forget the very real awkwardness between Melissa and me for instance, when we were all just happy to have something to remind us of home.

Edinburgh was great, but I think we were all missing the States just a little bit.

“This is so much better than home,” Claudia announced, taking a sip of her wine as she proved me wrong.

“It is?” Melissa frowned.

Claudia nodded, her eyes wide as she replied, “God, yes. Well, it was.” She threw me a grin. “I spend it with Charley’s crazy family now, but pre-Charley … right about now, I’d be curled up on the couch by myself in a house that’s way too big for three people while my parents either fuck other people in Cabo or each other in Switzerland. No phone calls home to wish me Happy Thanksgiving, nothing, nada. They pay their cook Consuela to make and serve me Thanksgiving dinner every year, and every year I give her a couple of days off without telling them. That would kill them,” Claudia smirked. “My parents hate paying for anything when they don’t have to. I’m saving it up for the right moment. Who knows … it might piss my mother off so much, she may actually manage to make an expression through the Botox.”

Beck, Lowe, and I laughed, which relaxed everyone else who, by the uncomfortable expressions on their faces, clearly felt weird by Claudia’s oversharing.

Lowe shrugged. “I don’t mind Thanksgiving. Mom passed a while ago, so it’s just me, my older brother, and my dad. My dad is a litigator and always working. So Josh and I just get takeout and sit back, have a beer, and watch the game.”

I hadn’t known that about Lowe. Although he’d spoken casually about his mom, there was a definite tightness in his tone. Since he was sitting beside me, I felt the tension in his body. So no one would notice, I put down my cutlery, lifted my wine glass with one hand, and gently squeezed Lowe’s knee under the table with the other.

Two seconds later I felt his warm hand cover mine and he gave me a squeeze back. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye and saw he was giving me a small, grateful smile. His muscles relaxed and I let go of him as Beck started sharing.

“My mom and stepdad always go on vacation at Thanksgiving because Mom hates the cold. That leaves me either stuck in the house by myself, much like Claud, or if my dad’s coherent, I’ll drop by his place with some food.”

I wondered what the comment about his dad meant and as I looked around the room, I knew only two other people understood exactly what it meant—Jake and Claudia had hard looks in their eyes, the kind of look a person gets when someone they care about is mistreated.

Shit. Beck didn’t have it great at home. It didn’t surprise me that Jake knew … but Claudia? I was beginning to think she and Beck were a lot closer than any of us realized.

“Well,” Matt smiled, breaking the tension, “Thanksgiving at home is awesome for me. I live with my aunt and uncle because my parents died when I was little, which isn’t awesome obviously, but my aunt and uncle are cool and my aunt can cook the shit out of anything. Seriously, our table is, like, immense. We’ve got three different types of bird, three different types of potato, gravy that I think I’d kill for, chocolate pie, and pumpkin pie. Neighbors try to get an invite every year, it’s that good. There’s always so much food, my aunt invites a different couple of people every year. I swear it’s like they’ve won the lottery when she chooses one of them. And she’s got to be careful she doesn’t show someone too much favor because that drama lasts a whole fucking year.”

We smiled at him, imagining a table piled with food and neighbors clamoring to get to it .

“Thanksgiving is good for me too,” Melissa smiled contemplatively, leaning closer into Jake. He smiled at her and put his arm around her chair. The turkey in my mouth turned to ash. “It’s usually just me and my dad, my stepmom, and two stepsisters. My stepmom isn’t the greatest cook, but she always insists on doing it. I go behind her, fixing her mistakes, and she doesn’t have a clue,” Melissa laughed. “She’s sweet. So are my sisters.” She shrugged. “We just laugh a lot.”

“It sounds nice,” Claudia smiled. “It sounds really nice.”

“Well, you’re more than welcome to come to Thanksgiving at my house next year,” Melissa offered kindly. I wanted to stick my fork in her eye. She had my ex-boyfriend. She was not getting my best friend.

Claud looked ready to burst into laughter, as if she knew exactly what I was thinking. “Thanks, Mel, but I’ve forced myself onto Charley’s family and I’d feel rude if I stopped doing that.”

Chuckling, I shook my head. “She has not forced her way in. I swear to God, my parents like her more than they like me.”

“Do you have a nice Thanksgiving, Charley?” Lowe asked quietly.

I nodded at him. “Me, my mom, my dad, my big sister Andie. My grandmother sometimes too, and now Claud. I’m the only female in my family who can’t cook, so I get to sit and watch the game while they all cluck in the kitchen.”

“Cluck?” Claudia asked, clearly offended.

“Like a hen.” I nodded. “ Who’s mashing the potatoes? They all answer at once—cluck, cluck, cluck. Who checked the bird last? Cluck, cluck, cluck. We’ve all brought our best pie dish, which one should we use? Cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck.”

The guys laughed and Claudia twisted her mouth into a moue. “That is a gross misinterpretation of the situation. I don’t own a pie dish. ”

“Oh, really?”

Claudia exhaled. “Okay, I do. And maybe we cluck a little, but the hen noises are worth it once the food is on the table. No one makes pumpkin pie like Delia Redford.”

“Amen, sister.”

“What about you, Jake?” Claudia turned her attention rapidly to him. “How’s Thanksgiving at your house?”

I lowered my eyes, knowing the answer to that one. I’d dreaded his turn since we’d started sharing. It reminded me all too well of the best Thanksgiving I ever had.

“It’s always good. The immediate family—me, Mom, Dad, my little brother Lukas, and my dad’s mom. Some of my best memories are from Thanksgiving.”

I tensed at this confession, wondering if he meant what I thought he meant. Quickly, so no one would notice, I glanced up at him from under my lashes to see if he was looking at me. Instead, Jake was studying his plate, apparently intent on not making eye contact with anyone.

“Thanksgiving at my house is crazy,” Denver informed us loudly. “I mean, we got my whole family, which is me and my three brothers and my parents, plus we got cousins, uncles, aunts, grandparents, nieces, nephews. The house is packed with people and food. I swear to God, I need a vacation just to get over the holiday.”

“I bet you wouldn’t trade it for the world,” Claudia said.

He shrugged, a guy equivalent of agreement.

Lowe leaned forward, shoving his now-empty plate aside. “Where do you think you’ll be on Thanksgiving five years from now? Who do you think you’ll be?”

“You go first,” Beck grinned at him before taking a sip of beer.

“Okay.” Lowe relaxed against his chair, his arm casually draped around the back of mine. “I’m in a hotel room in London with some random hook-up while I get ready for a show at the O2 Arena with my band, The Stolen.”

The guys grinned. Matt relaxed back in his chair. “Well, I guess that’s my future plan.”

“Yeah, you’re our fucking roadie because you’ve been replaced by Dave Grohl,” Denver grunted.

Beck chuckled and threw a potato at Denver. “You’re a shit.”

“Where will you be, then, smart-ass?” Matt asked Denver.

“Getting sucked off by—ow!” He glared at Claudia as he rubbed his head where her hand had cracked across it. “What the fuck?”

She glowered back at him, unmoving. “It’s Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving doesn’t involve that kind of language, thank you very much. Apologize.”

“Jesus, okay, I’m sorry.” He winced, feeling his head for blood.

The rest of us all looked at one another, trying—and failing—to hold in the laughter. We collapsed into hysterics as Denver attempted to annihilate us with his eyes. Claudia sat prim and unmoving.

Beck grabbed her by the back of the neck and pulled her close so he could kiss her forehead affectionately. She relaxed and rolled her eyes, settling back into her seat.

“Where will you be?” Lowe asked me as soon as the laughter died down.

I felt my cheeks warm as they turned their focus on me. “Uh … either having Thanksgiving with my family or patrolling the streets of Chicago as a rookie with a really crap work schedule.”

He smiled at me. “And nothing else. No guy? Or girl?” he winked at me.

“You can squash that fantasy, Lowe. I’m not into girls.” I shoved him playfully and then stared at my plate, avoiding Jake’s gaze. “It would be nice to think there will be a guy. Who knows? ”

Lowe snorted. “There will be a guy, Charley,” he said, sounding absolutely convinced on the matter.

I raised an eyebrow. “Are you clairvoyant?”

“Nah. I’m just not blind. It’s a miracle you’re single at the moment.”

The compliment hit me in all my good-for-nothing places and I shook my head, trying to laugh it off with everyone else. It wasn’t easy when I could feel Jake’s eyes burning into me.

“Claud, where do you see yourself in five years?” Matt asked her. “With me, right?”

I laughed as Claudia rolled her eyes for the second time that night. “If I’m going to be with anyone in five years, it will be Will McPherson.”

“Who the hell is Will McPherson?” Beck grumbled.

I answered for her. “The hot TA Claud has been lusting after for two years and has been too chicken to approach.”

“Why would you be too chicken to approach?” Matt guffawed. “Have you seen you?”

“Are you trying to kill me with compliments, Matt?”

“Seduce, Claud, not kill.”

“I don’t think it’s working,” Beck said, smirking at him.

“Well,” Melissa spoke up, her tone overly cheery, “in five years’ time, I’m hopefully going to be working on my postgrad, and spending Thanksgiving on vacation with my whole family and Jake.”

My fingers clenched around my wine glass. When I dared to look over at her, she was giving me a firm but pointed look. I managed to keep my flinch inward and calmly took another drink of wine.

Nice Melissa was gone then. Determined-to-keep-her-boyfriend Melissa was in town.

“Jake?” she turned to him, “what about you? ”

He didn’t look at her, just sat staring at the beer bottle in his hand as he picked at the label. “What about me?” he answered a little flatly.

“Where do you see yourself in five years’ time?”

He shrugged and then shot the table a strained grin. “A roadie for The Stolen.” The guys laughed, helping him out. Lowe quickly turned the conversation elsewhere.

As I collapsed into my bed later that night, I wondered not for the first time that evening whether Jake spent the entire dinner remembering our first Thanksgiving together … and our promise that we would never stop loving each other.