Chapter 13
Chapter Thirteen
Edinburgh, December 2012
It was nothing short of a miracle that I’d managed to secure a table in the main campus library. I had my laptop all hooked up and was going through my notes for class. Exams started in a week. Fun.
It would be even more fun if I could concentrate. I pushed my laptop aside and opened one of the books I’d had to buy for class. By the second page I gave up and pushed that aside too. Not a thing was penetrating my thick skull—my thick skull that was painted with images of Jake from last night.
For the third time since Thanksgiving, Jake stopped by the apartment to hang out. I deliberately steered us clear of my room so we hung out in the kitchen. Sometimes the girls dropped by, but for the most part we were alone. Like we’d been last night.
Last night reminded me too much of the old Jake. Although we were good with banter, we’d kept things fairly light conversationally since our foray back into a friendship. Until last night …
“Something’s up with you.”
At the pronouncement, I glanced over at him, sitting in the corner at the window, his long legs stretched out and resting on another chair. I was tucked in a corner opposite him, his feet only inches from me. Jake had his head tilted to the side, his face searching, concerned.
“What makes you say that?”
“When you’re really with someone, you give them your entire focus. When something’s on your mind, you give rote answers. And you’re way less of a smart-ass.”
“I’m not a smart-ass,” I responded automatically, my lips curling up at the corner.
Jake smiled back at me but nudged my knee with his foot. “Come on. What’s up?”
“Nothing is up.” Everything is up. My mom and dad still won’t talk to me about being a cop. They’re annoyed I’m hanging out with you. My best friend is in some weird semi-non-relationship. And then there’s you.
“It’s the law school thing, isn’t it?”
My brow wrinkled in consternation. “What makes you say that?” It bugged the hell out of me that Jake would be the one to notice my preoccupation with my career issue.
He shrugged. “You’ve been talking more and more about being a cop. It’s as if you’re trying to plant it so deep inside you that when it comes to telling your parents you don’t want to be a lawyer, you’ll be in too deep for them to try again to talk you out of being a cop.”
“I hate that you know me so well,” I replied quietly, sadly, without even thinking.
Jake gave a short, sharp huff of laughter, hurt flickering across his countenance. “I guess I deserve that.”
I instantly felt guilty. “Jake, I didn’t mean—”
“I think you did.” He gave me an unhappy, rueful look. “But whether you like it or not, it’s true—I know you. So … talk to me.”
Still sliding down the guilt spiral, I sighed and gave in as recompense for wounding him. “Law school is expensive.”
“That’s it? ”
“No. I have the money but it just seems stupid to spend it on law school, especially when my mom needs money for the store.”
Jake gave me a small smile. “You don’t want to go to law school because your mom needs the money more than you do? Charley, you haven’t changed a bit.”
I grunted. “So you keep saying.”
“It’s not a bad thing. But that’s not all, is it?”
“Would you stop doing that? Get out of my head. It’s messy enough in there without you cluttering it up.”
I watched him determinedly keep a straight face. A wise decision. Exhaling, I leaned back against the wall and looked out the window. “The more I try to talk about being a cop with Mom and Dad, the more they push the lawyer thing. I’ve never done anything to let them down before, and if I don’t go to law school, I’d be letting them down hugely. I know I make jokes about it and I tease Rick to mentor me, but in reality, I don’t know if I can let my parents down.”
“If you do what they want, you’d be letting yourself down.” Jake sat up, shifting his chair closer to me and tugging on my hand, demanding my attention. I had nowhere to look but into his sincere eyes. “Baby, since as long as I’ve known you, you’ve wanted to be a cop and Delia and Jim know that. Yeah, it can be a dangerous job. Yeah, they’ll worry about you. I’ll worry about you. But it’s what you want to do. Who knows … you could go to the academy and do a year or two of being a rookie and absolutely hate it. But at least you’ll know. At least you’ll never regret not going for it.”
Unconsciously, I rubbed my thumb across his hand, an affectionate gesture of thanks. “I should talk to them. Make them listen.”
“Yes. You should definitely do that.” He eased back from me, letting go of my hand. I looked away from him again.
“Do you have any regrets?” Why oh why did I ask that ?
Clearly I was a masochist.
Jake was silent so long, I didn’t think he was going to answer. Finally, he replied, his voice thick with … everything, “Yeah, I’ve got a few of those.”
Hearing the emotion in his voice, I couldn’t help but turn back to him. I needed to. When I did, I sucked in my breath at the blaze of anguish in his eyes. There was no mistaking that the anguish was all for me. I felt my cheeks burn, my blood quickening with fire in an instant. Dry-mouthed, pulse throbbing, I was frightened to move, sure that if one of us did, something would happen. Something we couldn’t take back.
The door to the kitchen blasted open and Claudia burst in, books tumbling out of her arms as she leapt toward the kitchen table. Once her load was deposited on the table, she turned to us and pulled off her wooly knit cap. “I hate studying.” She pouted, looking adorable with her cheeks rosy red from the cold.
We just stared at her, both of us still trapped in our moment.
Claud made a face. “You two okay?”
I searched my brain for something, anything, to say. “They call studying ‘revising’ here, did you know that?”
Jake laughed shakily and stood up. “I did not know that. Does that make sense? Isn’t revising editing?”
Claudia looked from Jake to me and her eyebrows dipped with suspicion.
“I think you’re right.”
“Hmm.” He nodded and then clapped his hands together. “Well, I’m going to go.” He lifted his chin to me and smiled at Claud as he strolled out of the room.
As soon as we heard the front door shut, Claudia turned to me, her hands braced on her hips. “What the hell was that?”
I opened my mouth to lie and then thought better of it. Instead I groaned and let my head fall between my knees, my hair brushing the ground as I replied, “I think that was Jake telling me he regretted dumping me.”
“WHAT?” My head was suddenly shoved back up, Claudia’s fingers curled in my hair as she stared wide-eyed into my face. “Say again?”
I grabbed her hands, wincing as I uncurled her grip on my hair. “It wasn’t said in so many words.”
“Explain.”
So I did, leaving Claudia convinced that Jake and I were playing with fire. I wasn’t sure she wasn’t wrong. However, I didn’t want to stop hanging out with him. I was afraid I was addicted to him again, and since Melissa obviously didn’t seem to be too bothered by us hanging out, I wasn’t going to feel guilty about it. It wasn’t like I had any intention of making a move on him. Jake might have inadvertently admitted that he regretted leaving me, but that didn’t mean he loved Melissa any less. In fact, I was sure of it.
Sitting in the library I doodled over my lecture notes, willing myself to concentrate.
I didn’t get far, but that wasn’t my fault.
The chair across from me screeched across the floor, the noise jolting me in my seat. Jake slid into it. Seriously, I needed to stop thinking about him. It made him magically appear everywhere!
He beamed at me, dumping his books on the desk. “You found a table? What, did you get here at six o’ clock this morning?”
I blinked. “Where did you come from?”
“Evanston, Illinois.”
I made a face. “Smart-ass.”
“Hey, that’s my line.”
I searched his amused expression for any trace of awkwardness concerning the night before, but nope. Nothing. It was like it had never happened .
Ignoring a prick of anger I settled back in my chair, my demeanor prim. “I hope you haven’t stopped by to bother me. I’m studying.”
Jake pretended to look offended. “Moi? Bother you? As if I would.”
“You’ve been bothering me since the eleventh grade,” I grumbled.
He seemed far too pleased by this, so I thought it necessary to kick him in the shin under the table. “Oww!” he jerked back in shock.
“Ssshh!” the girl sitting at the desk in front of us admonished, glaring.
“Apologies,” Jake raised a hand in placation. “I’m just a victim of violence.”
She glowered harder and then finally looked back down at her books.
“Your charm failed you that time, Caplin.”
“You should know I bruise like a peach,” he sighed, tutting under his breath. “Marring my perfect body with your Uggs … terrible.”
I fought laughter, not wanting to get us kicked out. “Jake, they’re Uggs. How much damage can they do?”
He leaned down to rub his shin. “A fuck of a lot, clearly. That shit hurt.”
“You’re such a baby.”
“What was that?” he cupped his ear toward me playfully. “I’m such a babe?” he winked. “Already know that, sweetcheeks.”
I laughed. “What is with you today? You’re very chipper.”
“You mean for a guy who just got nailed in the shin by a hundred-pound girl?”
“Oh, we are in the mood to charm today.” A hundred pounds, my ass .
“I’m in a good mood.” Jake shrugged, his boyish smile causing heat to spark in me. I wish it wouldn’t. He was acting an awful lot like the old Jake and I had to admit, I’d missed him. “I’m not allowed to be in a good mood?”
I pushed my books to the side, knowing I definitely wasn’t going to get any studying done with him sitting across from me. “Of course you are. I’m just wondering what it’s all about. You’re extra Jake-like today.”
“Extra Jake-like?” He smiled and shrugged. “What is extra Jake-like?”
“I don’t know.” I fiddled with my pen as I tried to pinpoint what it was exactly that was making him extra Jake-like. “Lighter,” I said suddenly. “You’re lighter. Like you used to be. Ever since … and even now, you seem …”
“Seem what?” His amusement had left him and he was leaning across the table, his eyebrows drawn together.
I didn’t know if it was wise to finish my sentence, but since we’d been teetering on a lot of cliff edges lately, I didn’t think one more would make a difference. “More serious. Which is only natural with everything … and you being older …” I trailed off.
He huffed and sat back in his chair. “Only natural,” he agreed.
Silence fell between us and I wished to God I hadn’t said anything. I’d ruined his good mood.
“I do feel lighter lately, though.”
I couldn’t look at him. If I looked at him, I’d only find ways to make it seem like that meant something, something to do with us. Honestly, I just really needed to start remembering there was no longer an “us.”
“Good,” I muttered, pulling a book back to me. “I’m glad.”
When I didn’t say anything else, Jake shifted in his chair. When I still didn’t say anything, he shifted again. Finally he threw a pen at me .
“What, are we twelve?” I threw his pen back.
“I wanted your attention.” He was back to boyish Jake. Pity I found him irresistible.
Crossing my arms over my chest, I relaxed back in my chair. “Okay, well, you have it.”
“So,” Jake leaned forward, hands clasped in front of him, as if we were sitting down to discuss something of great import. “Have you noticed what’s been going on with Beck and Claudia?”
I choked on a giggle. “You want to gossip with me?”
He lowered his voice, “It’s better than studying.”
“Okay, I’ll give you that.” I pushed my books out of the way once more. “They’re definitely into one another but Beck seems reluctant to start a relationship.”
“That’s because Beck doesn’t do relationships.”
Jake gestured me closer and when he spoke, it was a whisper. “Shit family life. I’m the closest he’s got to family. It’s messed up his whole thinking but I leave him to it. Still, I’ve noticed he’s been agitated lately. In particular these last few days …”
I nodded knowingly. “Claudia started dating this Scottish guy.”
Jake sighed. “I wish Beck would pull his head out of his ass.”
“Should we help him?”
“Pull his head out of his ass?”
“Yeah. I know Claudia cares about him and it’s obvious he cares about her. Maybe there’s some way we could give them a little shove?”
“Would you like someone to give you a little shove in your relationship?” Jake looked less than convinced.
I shuddered at the thought of someone interfering with mine and Jake’s fragile friendship. “Okay, good point.”
“I just wanted to know if you knew if Claud felt the same way, that’s all.”
“Why? ”
“Something might still come of it. For Beck’s sake, I hope it does. He needs someone like Claudia in his life. She’s a great girl.”
I smiled affectionately. “She is. She’s the best.”
“You didn’t have a friend like her in high school.”
I thought of Lacey and Rose and our somewhat shallow friendship. “No, I did not.”
“But for now, I guess we just sit back and watch the show.”
I thought of the relationship that had built between Claudia and Beck over the last few months. They seemed very close but because there was this animal attraction there, the whole friendship seemed ready to implode. As I stared at Jake, it occurred to me that our friendship might be mirroring our friends’.
Since I was choosing to believe we had more control over our relationship, I pushed that scary, ticking-bomb thought to the back of my head.
“What are you thinking?” He cocked his head to the side, his lids lowered in thought.
Before I had to scramble for a lie, a shadow fell over our desk. Melissa stood staring at us, books pressed tight to her chest. Everything about her was tense and I knew right away when her gaze fell on me that it was because of my presence. More to the point, it was because I was in Jake’s presence. Alone.
Huh. I thought she was over it.
“What are you doing here?” she asked Jake quietly. There was a definite note of accusation in her voice.
“Studying,” he answered calmly, but I could hear the edge in his answer.
Melissa pointedly looked at our unopened books. “I’m going back to my dorm to study. Come with?” It wasn’t really a question. Her cheeks were flushed and her mien was brittle. She was roaring for a fight .
Resolved to his impending doom, Jake gave her a tight nod and stood, collecting his books. For the millionth time I ignored the ache in my chest at the sight of them together, both dark and tall and beautiful. They were perfect for one another.
I felt the sting in my nose and quickly ducked my head, yanking a book toward me.
“See you, Charley,” Jake said softly.
I nodded, not looking at them. “See you tomorrow at the gym.”
“Gym?” The question was asked sharply and by Melissa.
I lifted my chin, surprised by her almost caustic response. She glowered at Jake and he blanched. Annoyance tore through me and I locked my jaw to stifle the curse words I wanted to throw at him. This whole time I thought Melissa knew we were spending time together, but of course, she didn’t. What girlfriend in her right mind would be okay with a guy spending that much quality time with an ex? I was such a willful idiot.
I slunk farther down in my chair, listening to them walk away and wishing like hell I’d kicked Jake’s shin hard enough to cause a dent. He had hurt Melissa by not being honest with her, and he’d pulled me into it, making me feel guilty when I hadn’t done anything wrong.
Right?
Claudia had been on three dates with the Scottish student she’d met at the library. He was cute and funny and she really seemed to like him. He wasn’t Beck, but she was in denial and frankly I was right there with her, so I wasn’t going to be a hypocrite and attempt to yank her out of it .
Claudia was out on a date with the Scottish guy, and The Stolen were busy with other plans. Since I hadn’t made much headway with my roommates, I found myself huddled in my room alone, my hands wrapped around a warm mug of cocoa as I stared at the photos pinned to my wall, pictures of our group here in Edinburgh—some great shots of Beck and Claudia who looked stunning together, of Rowena and Denver, of Matt, Lowe, and Beck, of Jake and Beck, of Lowe and me. Even one of just Jake and me. I wanted to say we didn’t look right together. But we did. Not perfect in the way that Jake and Melissa looked. No. But we looked right .
I clunked my mug down on my bedside table and reached up to pull the picture off the wall. Within seconds it was scattered across my bedspread in pieces.
“Sometimes I wished I hated you, Jake Caplin,” I whispered hoarsely.
And as if he’d heard me, my cell rang. It was him.
Cautiously, I answered it.
“Charley,” Jake breathed, as if relieved I’d picked up. “You okay?”
“I’m fine,” I replied flatly. “Melissa didn’t seem so fine.”
“Yeah. She just … she feels a little threatened by our history.”
“Is that why you didn’t tell her we hang out all the time? Because I was under the impression she knew.”
“Mel’s an understanding girl, but I didn’t know if she’d understand this. You are my ex.”
I didn’t say anything.
Jake exhaled heavily. “Look, I called because Mel told me something tonight. Something you said and I want to know if it’s true.”
“What would that be? ”
“Did you really tell Mel that I loved her because I let her help me and because I didn’t let you help me I obviously didn’t love you?”
My chest tightened at his question. As I switched the phone to my other ear, it shook in my trembling hand. “I said that you wouldn’t let me help you, but you let Melissa help you and to me, that speaks volumes.”
“Bullshit,” Jake responded, taking me aback with his vehemence. “You’ve got to know that’s bullshit, Charley. I pushed you away but it wasn’t because I didn’t love you. I was crazy about you. You know that. It had all just happened, though. I was a fucking mess. No one could get through to me. I met Melissa a long time after it. Enough time to not be in that dark place anymore.”
Feeling sick, I shook my head, even though he couldn’t see. “I don’t want to talk about this, Jake.”
“I know. It just … it would kill me if you thought I fell out of love with you. Or worse … that I was never in love with you.”
“Jake, what are you doing?” I asked, panicking now. “There’s no point to any of this. You’re with Melissa.”
“And I love her.” I closed my eyes at his declaration, fighting tears, desperate not to give into them. “But I didn’t even know her when I applied to study here for the year.”
Fighting the tears meant choking on them. I had to take a minute before I responded. “You knew I’d be here.”
“I hoped you’d be here, yes.”
I covered the phone while I tried to catch a painful breath. After I counted to ten, I exhaled and put the phone back to my ear. “And then you met her.”
His breath crackled on the line. “Yeah.”
I was going to break. “Jake, I have to go.”
“Charley—”
“Claudia’s at my door. ”
“Oh. Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow?” he sounded unsure.
“Yeah. Bye.” I hung up and threw my phone on my bed just in time to catch the sob in my throat. It choked me as I fought it, my hands clenched into fists as I pushed back the tears. He wasn’t getting any more from me. He’d had plenty in the past.
I wished I could hate him. It would make it all so much easier if he’d just dumped me, if all that shit hadn’t happened to him and his family. I needed him to be the bad guy, all black and white, no shades of gray. It was the only way I could move on.
But unfortunately, that wasn’t reality, and Jake wasn’t the bad guy. Not completely. I turned on my side, curled into a ball. I was still making excuses for him when he had to have known how much it hurt me for him to say he loved someone else.
It was decided then. I needed to stop spending time with him.
The thought of not talking to him, laughing with him, clawed at my gut but I had to do something before I turned into one of those whiny girls I wanted to thrust a spine into.