Chapter 58
She couldn't stop stepping back, every time he moved, every time his hand twitched, she flinched, she knew he wouldn't hurt her, she knew it, but her body didn't care what her brain knew.
Her body had seen the monster behind his eyes, had seen the way he had beaten those men without stopping, without hearing her, without seeing anything except red.
He finally stopped moving, his hands came up, palms out, fingers spread wide, he stood perfectly still like a man trying not to spook a wild animal.
She stopped too, she couldn't breathe, she couldn't think, all she could do was stare at him, at the blood on his face, the blood on his hands, the way his chest was still heaving like he was fighting to control something inside him.
"I... I need some time...." she said, her voice small and shaky, barely a whisper,
"I can't, I haven't even seen a gun before and now this, it's hard for me to accept this, I need some time, some space to process this, to handle myself."
His face went pale, he felt something crack behind his eyes, something raw and deep and devastating, he had told her everything, every single thing about himself, about what he was, about what he did, he had laid himself bare and she had accepted him, or so he thought,
but now standing here in the aftermath of the violence she had just witnessed, he realized that words were just words, seeing was different, feeling was different.
A part of him, a selfish wounded part, wanted to argue, he had told her everything hadn't he?
he had been honest when he didn't have to be, he had opened himself up to her in ways he had never opened himself to anyone, and those bastards were harassing her, cornering her, making her feel small and helpless, how could he have let them go, how could he have stood there and done nothing,
she had accepted his soft side, so why couldn't she accept this? why couldn't she accept all of him?
It was unfair, he knew it was unfair to expect her to be fine with it, but it was also unfair to him. He had given her everything, his truth, his heart, his future, he had this much right at least didn't he?
The right to be seen completely, the right to be loved completely, he knew he was being selfish, he knew he was being unreasonable, but he was terrified, terrified that if he stepped back now, if he gave her space, it would be too hard to reach her again,
she would build walls and he would be on the other side of them, alone.
He wanted to confront her, he wanted to hold her and make her understand, wanted to shake her if he had to, wanted to demand that she see all of him and still love him anyway, he opened his mouth to speak, to argue, to fight for what he wanted.
But then he looked at her face, at the way her hands were shaking, at the way she was pressing herself against the wall like she was trying to disappear, at the way her eyes kept darting to his bloodied knuckles and then away, like she couldn't bear to look at them,
and he knew he couldn't confront her.
He couldn't argue, he couldn't demand fairness.
He loved her too much to confront her, too much to seek fairness, too much to demand anything from her when she looked so fragile, so broken, like one wrong word would shatter her completely.
He couldn't do that, he couldn't be the one to break her further.
So he nodded, he swallowed his words and his pride and his fear, and he nodded.
"Let me drop you home," he said, his voice low and rough, "at least let me-"
She shook her head, she couldn't get in that car, she couldn't sit next to him, couldn't feel his warmth, couldn't pretend everything was normal when she had just seen what he was capable of, she just shook her head over and over,
her hands wrapped around her arms like she was trying to hold herself together.
He waited, he stood there still as stone, his hands still raised, waiting for her to change her mind, but she didn't move, she couldn't.
He closed his eyes for a moment, and when he opened them they were empty, hollow, like he had already lost something he couldn't get back.
He stepped away from her, raised his hand, and flagged down a taxi, the yellow car pulled up, and he opened the back door for her.
She walked past him without looking at his face, she couldn't, if she looked at him she would see the pain she was causing him and she would break, she slid into the back seat and stared straight ahead, her hands clasped in her lap, her body trembling.
He leaned down to the open window, his voice quiet and steady like he was holding himself together by a thread
"I'll give you as much space as you need, however long you want, but you have to unblock my number, if you're in danger, if you need help, if anything happens, no matter how small or big, you call me. Promise me."
She didn't answer, she couldn't, the words were stuck somewhere in her throat, tangled with the tears she was holding back, she just sat there frozen, staring ahead.
"Please, kitten" he said, and his voice cracked.
She nodded, just once, barely a movement, but it was enough.
He stepped back and closed the window, the taxi pulled away, and she watched him in the side mirror, he stood there on the empty street with his hands at his sides and his face pale, his eyes fixed on the car as it drove away.
She looked away, she couldn't watch him anymore.
And he watched her go, his heart in his throat, feeling the distance between them grow with every passing second, he had promised to give her space, he had meant it, but every instinct in him screamed to chase after her, to stop the taxi, to make her see that he was still the same man.
He was still the man who loved her, the man who had imagined a future with her.
So he got in his car and followed her, keeping his distance, far enough that she wouldn't see him, close enough that he could make sure she got home safe.
The taxi ride was a blur for Elera, she didn't remember the streets. She just remembered the weight of the necklace around her neck, the diamonds cold against her skin, and the echo of his voice in her head.
Promise me.
She had already unblocked him, she had done it weeks ago, before the date, before everything, she had saved him as Vinegar and then she had unblocked him because she knew, deep down, that she would never be able to stay away, not really.
And yet here she was running away, here she was letting fear win.
Her apartment door clicked open and then closed and then locked, she leaned against it with her head pressed against the wood and she let the tears come, silent at first and then harder,
she slid down to the floor with her knees pulled to her chest and she cried for everything she had seen and everything she had lost.
She didn't know how long she sat there, minutes maybe hours, the tears slowed and then stopped, and she was left with nothing but the hollow ache in her chest and the cold metal of the necklace around her neck.
She reached up and unfastened it, she held it in her palm with the diamonds catching the dim light from the window. She stared at it for a long time, it was beautiful, it was perfect, something she has always desired, and set it on the coffee table.
She walked to the bathroom, washed her face and brushed her teeth and changed into her pajamas, she didn't look at her reflection, she couldn't bear to see herself right now.
She climbed into bed and stared at the ceiling, sleep didn't come, it crept in slowly, pulling her under in fragments. And when she finally drifted off she dreamed of him, his face, his bloodied hands, his eyes dark and desperate and full of something she couldn't name.
She woke up gasping, the room was dark, the clock said 3am.
She got up and walked to the window, she pulled back the curtain just a crack and looked down at the street.
His car was there.
Parked across the road facing her building, the headlights were off and the windows were dark, but she knew it was his, she knew he was in there, sitting, waiting, watching.
She stood there for a long time with her hand on the curtain and her heart pounding in her chest, he had promised to give her space, he had meant it, but he couldn't stay away, she knew he needed to know she was safe, he needed to see the light go on and off, to know she was still there.
She let the curtain fall and walked back to bed, she lay there staring at the ceiling, and she thought about him, about the day they had shared, the pottery, the watch, the art, the dinner, the dance, the kiss, the necklace, the ice cream, the day day had been nothing but perfection.
And then the blood, the violence, the monster behind his eyes.
She didn't know which one was real, she didn't know if she could love one without the other.
She closed her eyes and waited for morning.
Downstairs in the dark of his car, Caspian sat with his hands on the steering wheel and his eyes fixed on her window, the light had turned off hours ago but he hadn't moved, he couldn't, every time he tried to start the engine his hands refused to turn the key.
He stared at her window with the curtains still and the room dark, and he thought about her, the way she had looked at him, the way she had flinched, the way she had stepped back like he was a stranger, like he was a monster.
He had shown her the monster, the part of himself he had tried to hide, and she had run from it.
He understood, he didn't blame her, how could he, she was a civilian, she had never seen a gun before, had never seen what men like him did to each other, he had told her but words were just words, seeing was different, feeling was different.
And yet the selfish part of him still cried out, he had told her everything, he had been honest when he didn't have to be, she had accepted his soft side so why couldn't she accept this, why couldn't she accept all of him, he knew he was being selfish, he knew he was being unreasonable,
but he was terrified, terrified of losing her for good.
He thought about the future he had imagined, the girl with her eyes, the laughter filling the halls of the estate, the way she would have placed his hand on her stomach and let him feel their baby move, he had wanted it so badly, he had let himself believe it was possible.
And now sitting here in the dark staring at her window, he knew he had lost it, he had lost her.
He didn't know how to fix it, he didn't know if he could.
But as the hours crawled by and the sky began to lighten, he made a decision, he would give her what she asked for.
He would give her space, real space.
Not just the illusion of it while he sat outside her building like a ghost.
He would leave, he would trust her to come back to him when she was ready, he had to, it was the only way.
He started the engine and pulled away from the curb.
He didn't look back, he couldn't, if he looked back he would stay.