Chapter 27
Lane
I was selfish yesterday when I convinced her to agree to dying my hair before leaving. Guess what? I don’t care. I want a chance to have her close. Nix isn’t the only one who cares about her, and I miss having her around. The idea of my hair matching hers is only an extra bonus.
I’ve been waiting all day for her to get here. Something about the anticipation made time move slower. She's not just any girl. She's the girl we grieved over, one we thought we lost. I have to make sure everything goes perfectly today. Even one slip-up could ruin it all.
"Hey." River stops me halfway down the hallway, holding the shirt I couldn't find.
"You found it." I grab it, quickly slipping it over my head.
The immediate relief feels like drinking a glass of cool water on a hot summer day. I’ve been thinking about this particular shirt non-stop. For some reason, my mind decided that if I didn’t wear it when she came over, she would disappear from our lives again .
It's black like a lot of my others, with nothing outwardly specific about it. If you saw it in a pile of clothing, it would seem like any other shirt, but this one has yellow stitching.
I don’t know why I needed to wear this particular shirt, but I had myself fully convinced that since I couldn’t find it, she was going to disappear from our lives again. I realize that’s not entirely rational, but my brain isn’t cut and dry all the time.
"It was mixed in with some of my stuff." He eyes me wearily, glancing down at my hands to see if I'm tapping my thigh. Good thing I’m not. "Are you okay?"
"I'm about as good as any of us," I admit.
"So, you're about one minor inconvenience from going over the ledge," he jokes.
"Yeah, pretty much."
I wrap my arms around his waist, taking comfort in the warmth of his body. He pulls me in tightly, letting me breathe in his comforting fresh scent.
"I can't stop thinking about how we didn't reach out to her. None of us were there, and she probably needed us."
"I've been thinking about it too. I feel terrible, but we can't change the past. The only thing we can do is learn from our mistakes and find small ways to make it up to her."
"It's not enough." I sigh.
"It'll never be enough. I think that's part of the problem. We really messed this one up."
"I didn't realize how much I missed having her around until I saw her again, Riv. "
"Hey, it's okay." He slides his arms up my back, squeezing me tighter.
It's not often that I find myself this emotional. Typically, I like to use my humor as a defense mechanism. If I'm the funniest person in the room, I'm not at risk of being judged. I don't have to overthink every little thing I do and fixate on all the minor details if I’m making jokes.
River makes things better, most of the time. He's given me a place to feel safe without expecting anything in return. He is one of the best things to ever happen to me, and I definitely don’t tell him enough.
I pull back to look him in the eyes before pressing my lips to his. He hasn't shaved today, and the scruff scratches along my skin, but I don’t mind. The kiss is quick, something small to show how tenderly I feel for him.
"I just want you to know I appreciate you." I smile.
“I know. You never have to doubt how much I know that.” He leans in to kiss me softly, just as I kissed him. “And I appreciate you.”
This man. He’s everything I could have ever asked for.
We’ve been keeping our relationship out of the public eye, even though people suspect there is something going on because of what we do on stage.
The truth is, he deserves more than what I’ve been giving him.
River deserves someone who will show him how much he's cared for all the time, not just behind closed doors. I don’t care what Glen will have to say about selling tickets and sex appeal.
If our fans can’t accept us for who we are, it’s their loss.
“I need to tell you something.” My eyes wearily roam his. "I love you, and if you’re okay with it, I think we should go public." There it is. I said it. After all this time, I said the one thing I've always kept to myself because the word love has always intimidated me.
My blond-haired guy stares for a moment, blinking a few times as if he’s checking to see if he's awake or dreaming.
"Yes, I said I love you," I confirm, not waiting for him to ask.
He smiles before slamming his lips to mine with so much force that the two of us fall against the wall. I tangle my tongue in his, loving the way his body brings mine to life and melts.
He pulls back, though, keeping his hands on either side of my face, and says, "I love you too."
I grab the back of his head, his lips on mine again, while wanting nothing more but to carry him to my room and make him scream. Someone clears their throat next to us, though, diverting my attention.
"Should we give you two some space?" Nix very rudely interrupts our moment.
I'd be more annoyed if he didn't have Alara with him. She’s just standing there with a hint of curiosity in her eyes. The thought of her pressed between River and me flashes in my mind. She feels like a forbidden fruit I'm dying to have.
When I found out she was with Nix, it opened my eyes. I always thought she was beautiful, but Ender had this weird claim over her. He assumed that because the two of them were singers, they were supposed to be together. Things are different now.
"We can do this another time. I brought the dye, but it’s not something we have to do today if you’re busy," she offers with that delicate little voice of hers.
"Nah, River likes being edged. It's better to let him imagine all the different things I plan to do with my tongue later. It should keep him nice and wound up." I wink.
River slaps my chest, shaking his head as Alara's cheeks flush the perfect shade of pink. I find myself admiring them. Is she thinking about what I’m going to do to River with my tongue? I hope she is.
“Let’s make this hair purple so we can match," I tease.
She goes to take a step forward, bag in hand, but Nix's eyes narrow. He pulls her back, catching her by surprise, and leans down to plant a big fat kiss on her lips. Awwww, look at Mr. Jealous trying to stake his claim. It’s cute that he thinks a little kiss is going to deter me.
I actually find it amusing that the smug bastard thinks he got one over on me. Does he not know I’m irresistible?
Alara shyly glances my way. “Is there a good place to do this? It's not usually messy, but there's always a chance."
"We can go into my bathroom. I don't mind." I smile, leading the way, but also make a point to look back over my shoulder at Nix .
My room is more unorganized than I'd like for her first impression of it, but I tore the dang thing apart looking for this shirt. We walk through it quickly before stepping into my bathroom, and I catch the way her eyes glance at everything along the way.
Getting right to work, she sets the bag she brought full of things down on the counter. "I'm glad you have a detachable shower head. It will make rinsing easier." She grabs a small box, then another container, and another, setting them up in a neat line.
“What do you have here?" I ask as she pulls on a pair of gloves.
"We have to bleach some of your hair first. It's light in some spots, but if you want it to have bigger purple chunks like mine, you'll have to lighten it first." She pauses, glancing up. "We'll have to find a way to section it."
"Just do all of it." I shrug, not caring whether or not it's highlights or my whole head. It's just hair.
"I could do that. Are you sure?"
"Go all in. Why not live on the edge?" I lean against the sink.
"I like the way you think. We will need something for you to sit on. I'm not exactly gifted vertically, and your toilet is in a weird spot." She points to the corner where the toilet is walled off separately.
"I can sit on the floor. Would that work?" I suggest.
She nods, getting to work mixing some of the containers, and I watch closely. She's very intentional with her motions, careful not to spill any of the product. The smell, though. That is another thing. It's practically burning my nostrils.
"Is this safe?" My nose scrunches up.
"Kinda." She teases as I sit on the ground in front of the counter. She's standing directly behind me, so I have to whip my head to the side to get a glimpse of her from my peripherals.
"Kinda. What the heck does that mean?"
"Shhhh." She giggles. "You're in good hands."
Those hands land on my head as she paints the mixture on my hair, one stroke at a time. One. Two. Three. Four. I count them over and over. It's sort of therapeutic, the way she takes so much care with it.
"How are you feeling about everything?" I prod, testing the waters to see if she might open up.
She sighs. "It's kind of hard to believe."
"In what way?"
"I don't know how much Nix has told you about me, but I was in the hospital a few years ago with some pretty serious injuries.
" She pauses. All I want to do is pull her in for a hug, but I resist, letting her continue.
"I might as well tell you, because I'll be with you so much, but I have amnesia.
There are parts of me that are just… missing. "
"I'm sorry to hear that," I offer up in support. It’s not a lie. I am sorry. More sorry than she knows.
Sitting here like this and knowing so much about her while also feeling like I know nothing at the same time is odd.
The woman we knew before is there, but she's different. Her exterior is harder, and it seems like she’s built walls that she’s afraid to pull down.
What if she never remembers who we are to her?
I close my eyes, taking a deep breath, not noticing that she's stopped messing with my hair.
"Earth to Lane.” She snaps her fingers in my face.
“Huh?”
"You're done for now. We have to let the bleach sit before I can put the purple over it.
" She grabs another pair of gloves to get started on herself while mine processes.
"I appreciate you offering sympathy. It's been hard.
I feel like a puzzle with missing pieces.
Sometimes it seems like no matter how many times I lift the rug or look under the furniture, I'll never find the one that will make me whole. "
"That's awful," is all I can muster up, guilt eating at the edges of my mind.
"It's made me a stronger person. I had to heal both externally and internally. I'm only missing a few years now, but initially it was all gone."
"Do you remember your childhood? Was it a good one?" I already know about some of her upbringing, but I can’t resist the opportunity to connect with her while she’s willingly opening up.
"My childhood was fine. I grew up in foster care, eventually aging out with no real family. There could be someone I don’t remember, who knows.”
There it is, that regret again .
“Don’t look sad.” She points the bleach-soaked tool at me, flicking some in my direction. A few small spots land on my shirt, and I quickly run to grab a piece of toilet paper to wipe them off.
"Shit. I'm so sorry!" Her tone is practically frantic.
"Hey." I offer her a smile, tossing the bleach-covered toilet paper in the trash. "It's just a shirt. It's fine. I can always buy a new one."
I'm actually relieved that she put the bleach on the shirt. The bleach spots make it new, so my mind isn’t associating it with her disappearance anymore.
"I can buy you a new one," she interrupts my thoughts.
"Don't be silly." I shake my head. "I've got enough money to buy a new one every day, if I wanted to."
“That’s kind of crazy. You wouldn’t do that?”
“Wanna bet?” I grin. “I do love a good bet.”
Her eyes go wide before the two of us burst into a fit of laughter. This is exactly what I was hoping for. We're having fun, enjoying ourselves, and my mind is at ease. I wouldn't trade a single second for the world.