Chapter 39
River
I 'm surprised I haven't worn a hole in this carpet from the amount of pacing I've done over the last few hours.
The guilt I've carried for years is too much.
Keeping things from him doesn't feel right anymore.
It's so isolating, and the last thing I want is for this to cause a rift between the two of us. My jaw clenches as I remember the last time I opened up about my secrets. She was understanding. She told me that she would be there for me no matter what happened. The fact that she doesn’t remember any of it now is kind of comical.
Every minute I spend with Alara, I worry she will have a sudden epiphany and realize who I really am. She’s become a weakness, the whole band too, and it’s only a matter of time until my family tries to use that against me. I’m surprised they haven’t already.
My family’s history is complicated. They have this empire that nobody would expect from the outside looking in. It’s one that’s been cultivated from the ground up over generations. That's what happens when you have more money than you know what to do with .
The Montgomery’s are one of the wealthiest families in the country.
Do you know what I’ve learned growing up in it?
Money talks. You can get what you want, at any expense, and should things go wrong for whatever reason, you don’t even have to get your hands dirty.
You can just pay someone to clean up the mess for you.
I hate that even though I’ve built my own empire through the band, it’s still shrouded by my family’s name. They keep their distance because the cameras are always around, but don’t be fooled. They could take away everything at the drop of a hat, and they know it.
It’s why I’m forced to go to those stupid family brunches.
We have to smile and put on a good face.
‘Be seen without being seen, River.’ That’s what I’ve been taught.
It’s why I’ve tried to keep my relationship with Lane in the shadows.
I don’t want him to be susceptible to their deception.
I wanted to keep him safe, but I can’t keep carrying this burden alone.
The door to his room opens, and the very man on my mind strides through it. He’s completely unbothered, looking like a god with purple hair. It should be illegal for someone to be so attractive.
He glances my way, immediately noticing something isn't right. "What's going on? Are you okay?"
"We need to talk." I sigh.
He marches right to me, pulling me into his embrace. "You're scaring me. "
"You should be scared. I'm a monster." A tear threatens to fall down my cheek as I push him away.
"Hey." He catches my hand, guiding me toward the small chaise lounge in the corner of his room. "Tell me what's wrong."
"My nightmares."
"They're just dreams, baby," he tries.
"No. My nightmares are more than dreams."
"I don't understand." Lane turns to face me, placing his palm just above one of my knees.
"I need you to swear you’ll keep what I’m about to say between us. The risks are too high."
"You know I would never tell any–"
"Nobody can know," I cut him off.
"I get it, Riv. What's happening?"
"Fuck." I let the word fall, even though I make it a point to never curse. There goes that composure my family’s always expecting me to have.
I bounce my leg, running my fingers through my hair. What if he freaks out? I would if I were him. Asking him to keep my secret could be the end of the band. It could be the end of him and me.
"Baby, you need to calm down. We’ll get through whatever this is, together." His hand rubs along the top of my knee.
It’s too much stimulation right now. I try to push the hand off, but he puts it back where it was, gripping tighter this time.
"Don't push me away." His stern tone commands cooperation .
"I can't think straight with you being nice. I don't deserve it."
"Use your words, River. Tell me what’s going on."
I take a deep breath and let my eyes fall closed. "My family... they're not good people."
"There are a lot of bad people in the world."
"It's beyond that. It's hard to explain. They have money, too much money. With it comes this mentality that you can do whatever you want with no consequences. My family is really good at paying people to make sure their secrets stay hidden."
"Okay." He encourages me to keep going.
"I was blind to it for most of my life, but then I experienced it firsthand. You see, something happened when I was a teenager. It’s one of the reasons I was forced into homeschooling.”
“Hey, I’m glad you were homeschooled. We never would have met otherwise.” His fingers grip my chin, tilting my face toward his, and I give him a soft smile.
“I know. You, Ender, Rocky, and Alara were the best thing to happen to me in a long time.”
After the incident, I struggled more than my family would have liked.
People were starting to notice I was withdrawn, defensive, and even more depressed than usual.
One of my teachers called my parents in for a conference, and the next week I was pulled from my school.
We couldn’t have anyone looking down on our family.
Their solution was to hire Esme, the private teacher who came to the house for my schooling.
She was good, kind, and helped me see the world outside of the shallowness I was raised in.
The only reason I met the band was because Esme suggested I learn an instrument.
She convinced my parents to let me partake in homeschooling activities to keep myself socialized.
Shaking away thoughts of her, I dive back into the real reason for this conversation. “Anyway, before I was homeschooled, I had this group of friends that I used to hang out with. We would do stupid teenager things like drink and smoke without our parents knowing. Usually, it wasn’t a problem.”
I pause, and the same memories that have been haunting me appear in my mind as though they just happened yesterday. Three people will never walk this earth again because of me. Lane squeezes my knee with silent reassurance, not realizing the bomb I’m about to drop.
"It was my idea to leave the house. There was this tree nearby that was supposedly haunted. There was a rumor that if you parked under it, the ghost of a woman would appear in front of you. It was a stupid superstition."
I glance at him, making sure he is still following along. My head falls, eyes landing on the floor as shame takes over. What I’m about to say could change everything.
"We all piled in the car, with me in the driver's seat because I drank the least. I wasn't sober, but everyone else was worse off. I drove the four of us, and instead of parking under the tree..." I trail off, choking out a sob.
"I’ve got you." Lane grabs my hand, intertwining his fingers with mine .
The warmth from his touch makes me feel even worse. He doesn't deserve to be stuck with someone like me. My past. It's bound to catch up at some point.
"The car swerved out of control. It ended up in the lake across the street from the tree," I say through a cracked voice.
My eyes fall closed, and I can hear the screaming. We were all so afraid.
"The car was sinking faster than we could react.
I was lucky and had my window down. There was a way for me to get out.
When I looked over to the passenger seat, Megan was unconscious from the impact.
I swear I tried to get her seatbelt off.
I tried so hard to help her, but we were sinking, and I panicked.
" Tears stream down my face as I continue.
"They died. All three of them. I was the only one who made it out of that car alive.”
He reaches up to wipe my tear-stained cheek. “I’m so glad you did.”
“When I finally got out of the water, I was in shock. I sat at the edge of that secluded lake crying for hours. I honestly have no idea how nobody else drove by. When I finally pulled myself together, I made the mistake of calling my parents instead of the police."
"You were scared." He offers his support.
"My parents told me they’d handle it. They sent my cousin to pick me up, and when I tried to tell him we needed to get to the car, he said the authorities would handle everything.
I was told everything would be discussed with me when we got back to the house.
For some reason, I thought that meant the cops would be there too. I had no idea what they planned to do."
"What happened? Didn't the cops talk to you?"
"No. There wasn’t a reason for them to because there was no official record of me being there."
"Wait, what?"
"I barely slept that night. I was waiting for them to take me to jail, but they never did. When I woke up the next morning, everyone was acting like nothing had happened. At breakfast, my whole world was rocked when the accident was being reported on the news, but it didn't include me."
"I don't understand." He tilts his head to the side.
"An anonymous caller reported the vehicle to the police. When they went to investigate, they found three teenagers inside with empty alcohol containers around them. The cops never looked any further into it. They chalked it up to a bunch of drunk kids who accidentally drove into the lake."
"Weren't they curious as to why there wasn’t a body in the driver's seat?"
"Yeah, I thought that too, except there was. Someone went into that lake, dove to the car, and moved the passenger over to the driver's seat. I asked my parents about it, and they told me I should be grateful they handled it for me."
"They covered it up?"
I nod my head, tears pouring down my face as I try my best to keep what's left of my composure.
“Their names were Trevor, Andy, and Megan, and they all died that night.
Even though I'm responsible, I'll never be held accountable.
When I told my parents I would confess, they insisted there was no reason for me to ruin my future over some silly accident.
A silly accident, Lane. I killed three people, and they called it a silly accident and moved on. "
"You didn't drive into the lake on purpose."
"It doesn't matter. I killed them, and I see their faces every time I close my eyes."
"I’m so sorry you went through that. You don't have to carry the hurt alone anymore." He sighs. "That's one hell of a secret to keep for so long."
"I told someone before." My eyes meet his, and I see the shock he quickly recovers from.
"Who?" His tone is a mere whisper.
"Alara." I wipe the snot from my nose. “She caught me on a bad day. When she asked, it just kind of flowed out of me."
"She does have that effect on people."
"My family is good at doing bad things and then paying people off to get away with it. Embezzlement, murder, arson, fraud, money laundering, the list goes on and on."
"That's why you didn't want me to meet them?"
“Partially, but it’s more because I don’t want them to use you against me,” I admit.
"Noted." He nods.
"I took my own path, and they don't like that. If it were up to me, I’d cut them out of my life, but I'm afraid. They have friends in high places. Like really high. Judges, lawyers, actors, other musicians."
"I knew your family was lavish, but I had no idea they were..." he trails off.
"Evil." I finish his sentence for him. "I meet with them to keep them happy.”
"Are we in danger?" His eyebrows draw together, lips pursed.
"I don’t know. Our band’s so widely known, I’d like to say they wouldn’t try something, but I can’t one hundred percent say no." I confess. "I'm so ashamed, Lane. Everyone thinks I’m a good person, and I’m not. My whole life is a lie."
The fans don't know the truth. I smile and wave, yet on the inside, it all feels like chaos. I hate it. I hate every moment of having to pretend.
"Shhhhh." Lane wraps his arms tightly around me, holding me while I cry into his chest. "I’ve got you. I’ve always got you. You never have to go through anything alone ever again."