9. Lilah
9
LILAH
I paced the guest room, feeling like a trapped animal. I wouldn’t have wanted to be here under any circumstances, but Rafe’s attitude made me even more eager to leave. I’d spent the four years since high school making sure I’d never have to rely on anyone else.
You couldn’t trust anyone — couldn’t count on anyone — but yourself. No one knew that better than me.
It was why I’d worked three jobs, why I had money saved in spite of the fact that my paychecks sucked. Taken alone, they wouldn’t have been enough to survive, but combined with my intentionally low cost of living and my strict budget, I’d been able to stash almost enough to get a bigger place, get Matt away from our mom.
And it wasn’t just the money. I’d laid a foundation for independence in other ways too. I knew how to change a tire and fix little things on my car in case I ever got stranded. I knew how to use a power drill and do basic maintenance on my apartment, necessary to keep my landlord out of my space as much as possible.
I even knew how to defend myself, although that was my little secret, glass to be broken in case of emergency.
But in spite of all my careful planning, all my hard work, I was trapped with the bastards who’d gotten me naked and taken pictures of me in high school, the bastards who’d shared those pictures with everyone.
I dropped into the bed with a sigh and closed my eyes. The details of that night were always fuzzy. There was the surprise invitation to the house party at Brandon Miller’s house, an invitation I’d never gotten before. Then, the noise and crowd, a red plastic cup handed to me by Brandon.
I didn’t even remember drinking whatever was inside.
The next memory I had took place in a truck. I was naked except for my underwear, the Bastards surrounding me. It had felt good to have their hands on my body, to feel their lips pressed to my most secret places.
That was the biggest shame I carried. In the moments when I’d been floating through the haze of my drunkenness (had I been drugged? I wondered), I’d been turned on by the fact that I was almost naked with three of the hottest — and okay, three of the scariest — guys in school.
I didn’t remember anything else.
( Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. )
I tried to block out the prayer I’d been forced to repeat in the closet any time I’d made a mistake. I hated it but the words always popped into my head anyway.
Later, I’d wondered if they’d raped me, because that was what it was when you were too drunk to consent. But the one and only time I’d confronted Rafe after they’d shared the pictures, he’d made it clear the thought of fucking me was revolting.
After that, I was done at Blackwell High. I’d always been a social pariah — that was what happened in high school when you had no confidence, when you wore thrift-store clothes and made yourself invisible — but now I was a laughingstock, a cautionary tale prophesied by the name my mother had given me.
Delilah. The poster child for sin and treachery.
What happened after that — after I’d begged to be homeschooled even though home was the last place in the world I wanted to be — was something I tried not to think about.
I’d gotten out. That was what mattered. And I’d been in the process of setting myself up to get Matt out when I’d been chased into the woods by those goons that worked for Vic. Or maybe it was the other way around — the guy in the suit didn’t seem like the type that would work for a loser like Vic.
I fought against a wave of despair. Clearly I couldn’t go back to work at the Dive, and if I didn’t find a charger for my phone, I was going to lose my other jobs too. I was supposed to be at the Mountaintop Inn for my cleaning shift in an hour.
I stood and walked to the window, then pulled open the curtains. The field around the house was blanketed in a thick layer of unblemished snow. Beyond it the woods stretched as far as the eye could see, a postcard of serene winter beauty that made a mockery of my fevered run through the trees the night before.
The desolation was a little terrifying. There was nowhere to run if the men on snowmobiles returned, although I had to admit that I felt safe from them here in the house with Rafe, Nolan, and Jude, if not safe from the Bastards themselves.
A tap on my door shook me from my thoughts. “Yeah?”
The door opened to reveal Jude, standing in the doorway in gray sweats and an unzipped hoodie that made it clear he hadn’t peaked in high school. His muscled chest was partially visible, his skin etched with ink, and I had to force myself not to stare at the bulge between his thighs.
He looked tousled and comfortable, prepared for a snow day playing video games or watching movies or ruining lives or whatever else three giant men with shady pasts and even shadier presents did when they were trapped at home.
“Hey,” he said. “I thought you might want to make use of the sauna and hot tub today.” He hurried to continue. “Not with me! Or, uh, us. Alone.”
“There’s a sauna and hot tub?” I asked, because it was easier than analyzing whether the heat that had rushed through my body at the initial invitation had been because a sauna with Jude sounded tempting or terrifying.
“On the ground floor,” he said. “A workout room too.”
“I don’t have a suit.” I didn’t think I needed to verbalize the fact that I wasn’t about to get naked around Jude and his roommates.
“I know.” He held out a pile of clothes. “I brought you these.”
I stared at the clothes in his hands. “What are those?”
“A tank top and boxers,” he said. “We don’t have any girl clothes here but I thought these might work.”
He took a cautious step toward me, like he half expected me to bolt. I met him halfway and took the clothes just to get him out of there. I didn’t know if I would make use of them but I did know it was confusing having him here, being nice and acting like a normal, decent person instead of the predator he obviously was.
He backed up toward the door. “Just take the stairs down one level from the living room,” he said. “Towels are down there. No one will bother you.”
I nodded.
He was on his way out when I remembered my dead phone. “Jude?”
His name felt strange on my tongue. I’d thought of them as the Bastards for so long I’d almost forgotten they had names.
He turned around, running a hand over his buzzed hair. “Yeah?”
“I need a charger for my phone.”
“Sure thing,” he said. “Give it to me and I’ll see what I can find.”
I stared him down, really hoping he wouldn’t make me say that I wouldn’t trust him with my hairbrush, let alone my phone.
“Right. What kind of phone do you have?” he asked.
I walked to the nightstand and picked up my phone, then showed it to him.
“I’m sure we’ve got something,” he said. “I’ll take a look and get back to you.”
“Thank you.” It was hard to say when my heart still wanted to say “fuck you” but fair was fair.
He nodded and disappeared into the hall, shutting the door behind him.
I exhaled my relief and tried not to think about whether I was relieved he was gone because I was still scared of him or because I was suddenly confused as fuck.