35. Lilah
35
LILAH
This time, I had no one to blame but myself.
I was stone-cold sober and flattened underneath one of the men who’d ruined me, my body humming for him.
He touched my face. “Do you really want to do this? With me?”
It was a legitimate question, but there was only one answer in my mind. “Yes.”
“Fuck.” He lowered his head, capturing my mouth in a searing kiss that stole my breath. This time I knew what to expect and I opened to him all at once, hungry for his tongue and the heat of his mouth.
It was an entirely different experience than it had been at the beach. There, I’d been shocked by the feelings rushing though my body, the sensations entirely new even though I’d become an expert at satisfying myself with my vibrator. Plus, we’d been standing up, separated by my jeans and the bottom half of his wet suit.
Now we were smashed together, every hard peak and plane of his body molded to the softness of my own. We were still separated by clothing — my sweats and his sweat pants — but I knew that wouldn’t last long when he broke our kiss to tug my hoodie over my head.
I lifted off the mattress to help him and he tossed the hoodie aside, then took a deep breath when he looked down at me.
He covered my tits with his hands. “Jesus, you’re more perfect than I remember.”
I ran my hands over his bare chest, taking in his sculpted muscles, his corded abs. I slipped a hand under the waistband of his sweatpants and he sucked in a breath when I closed my palm around the shaft of his dick.
And holy shit, I hadn’t been wrong before: he was big. Or maybe all men were big like this and I was just too inexperienced to know it.
There was a lot I couldn’t have known. Like the way his dick was silky and soft, the skin stretched taut with his erection. The way a bead of moisture rose to the tip and the way a strangled groan escaped his lips when I rubbed it around the crown.
He lowered his head to my neck, nuzzling my shoulder and dropping kisses at the base of my throat until I shivered with the excitement of it, goose bumps rising to the surface of my skin even as it was hot with desire.
I’d picked up an instinctual rhythm as I stroked his dick, and he moved his hips in time as his tongue darted out to lick the well at the base of my throat. He continued down to my tits, squeezing them both before dipping his head to suck on one of my nipples.
I arched my back with the pleasure of it, wanting him to take it all, offering myself up to him as I threaded the fingers of my free hand in his hair to hold his head in place.
He broke the suction on my tit, then circled my nipple with his tongue, nipping gently at it until I gasped into the room.
“Is it okay if I take these off?” he asked, tugging at the waistband on my sweats.
There was almost nothing I wanted more. If I could have fast-forwarded to the part where he fucked me, I might have, but I was lost in the deliciousness of the experience, eager to see what else it held.
He sat up between my legs and pulled at my sweatpants, taking my underwear with them and tossing both of them aside.
Suddenly I felt shy. Nolan had seen me almost naked before — everyone at Blackwell High had, I guessed — but this was different. I was sober, able to observe him taking me in, his gaze traveling my body, lingering over my tits and waist, the hair between my thighs.
When he spoke, his voice sounded almost tormented. “You have no idea how fucking beautiful you are, do you, sweetheart?”
He was right, I didn’t, but mostly because I’d had zero desire to be attractive to a man — any man — since high school.
I squirmed under the heat of his gaze, and I pulled at his sweatpants, eager to take the focus off me, eager to see him too.
He stood and pulled them off, then moved to get back on the bed.
“Wait,” I said. It was my first time and I wanted to look at him, wanted to remember the moment even if it wasn’t super romantic, even if it was with one of the guys who’d almost destroyed me.
I let my gaze roam the length of his body, skimming over the cursive scrawled in ink across his chest (“do no harm” had new meaning after what he’d told me about their business), the skeletal frog, the twin snakes of the medical symbol turning into creeping vines that circled his arm and traveled up his biceps like a swarm of vipers.
I’d seen more of the black-and-white montage when I’d been lying on his chest — had caught pieces of a torn flag, a tank, sand dunes — but they were in shadow now.
He was tall and broad-shouldered, with defined muscles and a tapered waist. My already-wet pussy pulsed when I got to his dick, hard and jutting between lean but muscular thighs, like it knew what was to come.
“You’re beautiful too,” I said.
He got back onto the bed, stretching out over me, and I gasped at the contact of his bare skin on mine, chest to toes. Why hadn’t anyone ever told me it felt like this to lie naked with a man? And how could anything that felt so good, so incredibly right , be a sin?
He kissed me again, our tongues sparring as I buried both hands in his hair, opening my thighs wider so that his cock nestled against the mound of my wet cunt. A yawning need had opened up at my center, throbbing and demanding to be satisfied, and I wiggled against the head of his dick, desperate to feel him push into me.
He was breathing heavy when he broke away. “I need to slow this down, sweetheart.”
He sat on his heels between my thighs and ran his fingers through my pussy, his eyes glittering as he looked down at the most secret part of my body, the one part of my body no one else had ever seen (I’d always been pathetically grateful the nudes the Bastards had texted to the school were mostly tits, my underwear still intact).
I shivered as his thumb grazed my clit, a bolt of fire shooting from my center all the way up my spine.
“You’re so wet,” he breathed. “So ready.”
I thought he would enter me then. Instead he lay down between my thighs. I felt his hot breath on my cunt and lifted my head in a panic.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m going to taste you, sweetheart.”
I opened my mouth to protest — he was going to taste me? — but it died on my lips when I felt the slide of his tongue through the folds of my pussy.
A guttural moan escaped my lips as my head fell back onto the pillow.
This was… indescribable. Nolan’s tongue was hot and wet, slipping inside me before stroking my clit in slow circles.
“Oh my… oh my god…” I grabbed on to his dark hair, never wanting it to end.
He spread me open wide with his hands, then licked me from ass to clit. I was too enthralled with pleasure to feel self-conscious as he lapped hungrily at my clit, an orgasm building at my center.
This wasn’t the same as the orgasm I gave myself with my vibrator. That was clinical in comparison, a lever I pulled to get myself off when I needed a physical release.
This was otherworldly, a series of sublime surprises Nolan delivered with his tongue, licking his way through the slit of my opening, sucking and lapping at my clit until I lifted my hips off the bed, desperate to have his face buried in my throbbing cunt.
Everything he did was new and shocking, delicious and sensual. I gasped when he plunged his fingers inside me, his mouth still working my clit.
What he’d done to me at the beach paled in comparison to the heat of his mouth between my thighs as he buried his fingers deep inside me, plunging and sucking.
I tried to hold back the orgasm pushing to the surface of my body, wanting the whole thing to last, but there was no stopping it. The sensations were too overwhelming and the orgasm washed over me all at once, rolling through my body like a seismic event, shaking me to the core.
I cried out into the room, barely recognizing my own voice as I rocked my hips against Nolan’s mouth, beyond any kind of restraint as waves of pleasure washed over me again and again.
For a blissful moment, there was… nothing. No worry, no thought, no obsessive thinking.
I was liberated, flying through space at the speed of light.
I was barely aware of it ending, barely aware of coming back to consciousness. One minute light was exploding behind my eyes, the pleasure so intense it was almost painful as it rocked my body, and the next I was opening my eyes to the glow of the lamp, my breath still coming in shallow pants.
Nolan was stretched over me, reaching for the nightstand. It took me a second to realize he was getting a condom.
He kneeled between my thighs. “Want to keep going?”
“There’s more?”
He laughed like it was a joke. “Do you want there to be more?”
“Is that a rhetorical question?” I asked.
“I just want you to know we can stop anytime,” he said, ripping open the condom. He rolled it onto his shaft.
“I don’t want to stop.”
“I’m pretty fucking happy to hear you say that, sweetheart.”
He ran the head of his dick through my wet folds and another bolt of lust sparked to life at the center of my body. I’d never had more than one orgasm in a session with my vibrator. Was that even possible?
He positioned himself at my entrance and I felt the push of his thick crown against the opening to my cunt. I felt the possibility of it then: the way he could push inside me, filling up the empty space I hadn’t even been aware was there.
Stretching out over my body, he looked down at me, smoothing the hair back from my forehead. I thought he might say something — about what had happened between us before or what this meant for us now — but I was glad when he kissed me instead. I didn’t want to talk about the past. I didn’t want to think about what had happened between us before, didn’t want it to cast a shadow over what was happening now.
It was just physical — there could never be anything more than that between me and the Bastards, not after all that had happened — but still. I just wanted to be here, to experience it and feel it without the burden of what had come before.
He kissed my forehead, his lips gentle and warm, then drove into me hard and fast.
There was a split second of pure bliss, of relief, like I’d been waiting for Nolan to fill me forever. Then a burn, a sting between my thighs as he drove through the resistance that had been there.
He froze. “What the…?” Confusion passed over his features in the moment before he swore, dropping his head to my chest in anguish. “Lilah… why didn’t you tell me you were a virgin?”