39. Teddy
Teddy
“ T eddy? You home, man?” Footsteps come down the hallway. “Sorry to barge in on you. Lottie wanted me to check on you.” He pauses. “I’ll understand if you don’t feel like talking, but call out if you’re home.” More footsteps echo around my house as Noah searches to find me.
He won’t. No one has ever found me here.
I remain silent. I can’t talk to him. Or anyone, for that matter.
“His truck is parked outside, but he’s not here.” Pause. “Yes, I walked through the house.” Pause. “Okay, I’m going back to the park in case he’s still at the fair.”
My front door closes, and the tension in my shoulders releases.
Meow.
I scratch Loki’s head. He’s stayed in our hiding spot with me since I got home.
I’d probably still be catatonic if it wasn’t for him.
I was moving on autopilot for a while. My movements from the fair to home are a blur.
It was as if my brain told me to find safety at all costs. That’s how I ended up here.
Now that I’m a little more aware, my memories keep bouncing from tonight to the roadside IED.
When that firework went off, my brain went straight back to when the first car exploded.
I threw myself at Lottie, prepared for the next explosion, but it never came.
When I realized what I’d done, her family had already gathered around us.
Lottie wasn’t moving, and I knew if I didn’t get out of there, something worse would happen.
I put Lottie in danger tonight. She got hurt because of me. How many more people are going to suffer at my hands?
I need to leave. I have to get out of here before I hurt anyone else.
Everything inside me is screaming to start packing a bag and go, but my body is still frozen. I can’t move. If I leave this spot, a wake of destruction will follow. I’ve got plenty of proof of that. Why would I risk it?
Loki shoves his face into my neck. He’s curled up on the floor next to where I’m lying. The carpet is disgusting, yet I can’t get myself to sit up. I’m pathetic, a waste of space who can’t even protect himself from his own mind.
I close my eyes against the thoughts. They’re in my mom’s voice. The same tone she used to get when she berated me for not buying the alcohol we didn’t have money for. It never mattered to her that I wasn’t old enough to buy it, let alone too starving to think of anything other than food.
How did I ever believe I could be the man for Lottie?
A noise makes me freeze.
Then her citrus smell envelops the small closet in my bedroom. She doesn’t say anything, just sits down by my head. Loki walks over to her for a cuddle, making himself at home in her lap.
I close my eyes against the self-loathing. I refuse to see her face. Seeing any amount of pity in her eyes would shatter me into irreparable pieces .
“Caroline used to get these awful night terrors when she was little. Usually, they were about one of us dying. She’d describe these terrifyingly graphic accidents that threatened to give me nightmares, as well.
We shared a Jack and Jill bathroom, so she’d burst through my door in the middle of the night and jump into my bed.
Always scared the shit out of me until I realized it was Caro.
” Lottie breathes out a laugh. Her voice is soothing my frayed nerves.
“She’d squeeze me as tight as possible until her shaking subsided.
Then she’d tell me what she dreamed about.
It took everything I had not to react. I couldn’t show any emotion while she described the scenes.
If I did, she would cry even harder and ask what was wrong with her.
I learned to lock down my expressions when she’d describe what she saw.
“I hated that she thought something was wrong with her, so I’d always say her brain was wired to play movies while she slept.
Sometimes, they were horror movies. Then I’d say, ‘The good news is you can watch scary movies in the daytime without blinking.’ She’s obsessed with them now.
My plan backfired. She somehow manages to rope me into watching them with her. ”
That makes my mouth twitch. I’m not surprised in the slightest that Caro would find a way to conquer her terror. With Lottie by her side, she had everything she needed to succeed.
The point of Lottie’s story hits me like a sledgehammer. She’s not afraid to battle the darkness with me just as she did for Caroline.
“My dreams are about real events.” It’s not a great protest, but I can’t let her think this will be the same.
“True. And they’re not just affecting you when you sleep, either. Doesn’t change the fact that I can still remind you that nothing is wrong with you. ”
“Look at me, Lottie. I’m lying on the floor of my closet because I got triggered by fucking fireworks.”
“And?”
“And?” I sit up from the floor. Her expression remains neutral in the face of my anger. “And how much more pathetic could I be? I’m a fucking grown-ass man hiding from my demons.”
“Who wouldn’t want to hide from their demons?”
“Normal people.”
“There’s no such thing as normal. Everyone is battling something, Teddy. Some battles might be a little more violent than others, but it doesn’t negate the fight.”
Leaning against the wall, I sit with that for a minute. It’s only then I realize she managed to get me to move from lying flat on the floor to sitting up, when a few minutes ago I couldn’t even lift my head.
Lottie sighs. “One man can’t win a war on his own, Teddy. He needs people to join his army if he has any hope of succeeding. How many deployments would you have died in if you were alone?”
All of them.
Lottie reaches out for my hand. The contact brings me back from the edge more than any words ever could. “Will you let us be your army?”
I finally make eye contact with her. “I hurt you tonight, Lottie. Fuck, I didn’t even ask if you were okay. How can you even look at me?”
Lottie shrugs. “I love you. I’m fine, by the way. Tiny bump on the side of my head from the cooler, but no concussion or anything.”
My stomach turns. Her declaration of love is given without inflection. She’s not saying it in response to what happened; she’s saying she loves me even though it did. “You could’ve had a fucking concussion? ”
“But I didn’t. And if you’d have stuck around, you’d have known that.” She gives me a look that says she’s not happy with my runaway act.
“I couldn’t stay, Sparkles. I couldn’t look your father in the eye when it was my fault I hurt his daughter.”
“Did you know you’d get triggered by the fireworks?”
I frown. “No. Jackson tested my reactions to a few different loud booms. I didn’t have a problem.”
“What was your thought when you covered my body with yours?”
“You mean when I tackled you? Let’s be honest here.”
“What were you thinking?” she presses.
“That I had to protect you.”
Lottie raises her eyebrows.
“That’s beside the point.”
“Not to me. You thought a bomb went off, and your first thought was to cover my body with yours so I wouldn’t get hurt.”
“Yet you were injured anyway,” I say petulantly.
“I was. I also cut my finger when you distracted me while we were cooking dinner the other night. You gonna take the blame for that, too?”
“Maybe.”
Lottie chuckles. “I love every single piece of your cracked soul, Teddy. I don’t care if we have to lie in your dirty closet for two hours.
If it’s going to make you feel better, I’ll do it.
If we have to go to couples therapy for the next twenty years to keep this relationship from fraying to pieces, I’ll go.
I’ll do whatever it takes to stand by your side for the rest of my life.
But you have to let me do that. You can’t run every time something goes sideways. ”
“I’ve never had unconditional love, Lottie. I don’t know what to do with it. I love you more than any words could ever describe, but I don’t know how to show you that. It doesn’t come naturally to me.”
“I disagree.”
“Of course you do,” I scoff.
Lottie grins at me. “Every single thing you’ve done since you decided I was yours has shown me exactly how you feel.
I’ve never doubted it for a second. I don’t need flowery words or to be love-bombed.
I need someone to show up for me every single day.
I want a partner to turn to when I need help or support.
And maybe a little surprise now and then to show me you were thinking about me.
If the man I love gives me that, I’ll return it tenfold. It’s that simple.”
As Lottie’s words sink in, our future begins to slot into place. Our relationship isn’t one-sided. It’s reciprocal. By giving her the support and care she needs, she’ll give it back to me when I need it. We’ll share the load when it becomes too heavy for either of us.
Reaching over, I scoop Lottie into my arms, making her squeak. Loki startles off Lottie’s lap and races out of the closet. It’s better this way. Now, I can kiss Lottie without worrying about smashing the little guy.
I never imagined this would be the direction my life would take. I always figured I’d live a pretty solitary life with a menial job that paid the bills, and that’s about it.
With the weight of Lottie on my lap pinning me to the floor, I’m finally grounded back into reality. I’ll need to do something about my flashbacks. I can’t keep ignoring them and expecting them to go away.
But for right now, my girl brought me back from the brink of disaster. I plan to show her exactly how grateful I am.