Chapter 6
CHAPTER SIX
JENSEN
TWO YEARS LATER
There’s a chill in the air, the first one of the season.
I’ve been up since four with Landis, making sure everything is ready for the final harvest. The sky overhead is spotless blue.
The fields wave in a warm wind that promises to turn hot by late afternoon.
I’m on a horse, standing at the edge of the front fenceline of the western pasture, Landis loitering beside me, astride his gelding.
“Better get in and get breakfast,” I say.
He nods, eyes lowered. There’s something about the threat of winter every year that gets him quiet.
“You good?” I ask, shifting my weight to turn my horse.
He jerks his head. His jaw is set, curly dark hair wet with sweat already.
Once again, I’m struck by how little he looks like me.
His mannerisms are mine. He was always my shadow growing up, imitating me down to the way I stand and the cadence of my speech.
But now that he’s a man, I see so much more in everything he does.
They all lead back to the empty space, the questions that can’t be answered by me or his mother.
“Is this what you wanted?” he says abruptly.
“Huh?”
He gestures at the pastures, the house. “You wanted to be a rancher out west?”
He’s not talking about career choices. He’s talking about the past. I stack my hands on the saddlehorn. “Yeah, I did. It was a fuckload better than being what I was.”
“But you got to choose,” he says, voice careful.
“Don’t make your life harder than it needs to be,” I say.
His mouth thins. I squeeze my horse's sides, and he starts moving toward the house. I can hear Landis behind me, following at a distance. Things have changed a little between him and I the last few years. Not for the worse, just different. He’s a lot quieter, and I can tell his heart’s not in his work the way it used to be.
I should take him out, sit at the bar, and let him talk, but God, I am terrified at the thought of him leaving.
We put the horses away without speaking.
Landis comes to the main house, going ahead to the kitchen.
I hear him talking to Della while I put my things away, and I give them space.
Maybe I should take Della out first and talk about this with her.
When we discussed it the last time, I honestly thought that was the end of it.
I enter the kitchen to find Julie-Mae and Gage at the table.
She still works at the county clerk’s office, and he comes by every morning he’s able to drive her into work.
It turns out, Della’s instinct with Gage was right—he’s a solid guy, and he’s got more Freya in him than I thought. It evens out all the Deacon.
“Julie-Mae’s gonna have a late day,” Della says, hand on my side. “Apparently, the clerk’s office got wrecked by fireworks.”
“Excuse me?” I turn on her.
“Accident,” she says. “Hyde, the guy who owns the pawn shop, rode in with a bunch of fireworks and tried to show the sheriff they were duds. He wanted to sue the guy who sold them, but they weren’t duds.”
“Was anybody in there?”
She shakes her head. “The sheriff grabbed Hyde by the back of the neck and yanked him out. Shut the door up tight, but the whole front room is wrecked.”
“Jesus,” I say. “Some people.”
“Bless his heart, Hyde just can’t catch a break,” says Della. “But he does try, and that’s what’s important.”
“Well, they don’t give out awards for trying,” I say. “But they do hand out jail time for failing.”
Della rolls her eyes, crossing the room to turn the stove off.
She’s in a blouse and jeans this morning, and they hug her ass perfectly, which leads me to believe she’s probably going to ask me for something.
That’s alright. It’s a small price to pay.
I go up behind her, leaning in like I’m looking at what she’s cooking.
“Nice ass, baby,” I whisper.
“You hush,” she says, lips barely moving. “After breakfast, I want you to take me to Knifely.”
“The home goods store?”
“Yep, that’s the one.”
“You renovating something again?”
She turns, looking up at me. Her blouse is one of those thin little cotton things that ties over her breasts, showing a hint of cleavage.
Della is pretty lean, but she’s got curves, and I eat up the sight like I haven’t been laid in weeks.
I, in fact, got laid last night, but I can’t help it if I have the prettiest wife in the whole damn world.
“I’m still working on Delia’s old room.”
She’s redone it five times since Toby was born. Stealthily, I slap her ass. “Whatever you want.”
We have breakfast together. I’m relieved when Landis perks up, telling Della about how he’s heading out with Deacon’s oldest son for a quick trip to the city next weekend.
Julie-Mae and Gage chatter to themselves—he listens while she talks about work mostly.
I sit back and think more than I’d like to be thinking.
Della and I are on the road, halfway to Knifely, when I finally decide to say something about Landis. I glance at her, watching the faint breeze from the cracked window tousle her braided hair. My hand is on her thigh, holding tight.
“I was talking to Landis this morning,” I say lightly.
She looks over, a faint crease appearing between her brows. “What about?”
I run my hand to her knee, tracing it with my thumb. Ever since that conversation I had with her about not wanting to encourage Landis to go east, I’ve tried to let sleeping dogs lie. But I don’t think this situation is going to be that easy to dismiss.
“I kinda think Landis wants to leave,” I say finally.
Her head dips. There’s a short silence, and then she sniffs.
“I know,” she says finally.
I slide my hand into hers. “I don’t think he means to leave forever. But as much as I hate the idea, he might need to go out and find himself.”
“I know that too,” she whispers.
“You sound resigned.”
She holds my hand tight, face turned to the window. “I think I’ve known since he first asked me about home. He was going to need to go back and figure some things out. I just hope he doesn’t figure everything out.”
“Well, nobody knows what you did,” I assure her.
She sniffs again, turning to give me a weak smile. “That’s true. I just…want to keep him safe.”
“I do too,” I say. “But we might need to let him go for a bit. He’ll be back in the end.”
There’s so much sadness in her eyes, but it’s coupled with peace. Maybe we always knew we’d end up here. The mountains run in our blood, and no amount of space between them changes that. They’re in Landis’ veins, making him restless for a place he’s never known.
“Let’s get you a cup of coffee,” I say.
She doesn’t protest. I keep my hand on her thigh all the way into town, helping her out of the truck when we park.
It cheers her up a lot to see Freya. I run into one of the guys from the stockyard outside, and we get to talking for a while, so that gives them time to have coffee together.
Then, I take her out to the home improvement store and hand her the credit card. That always improves her mood.
We talk about lighter things on the drive back, but my head is still stuck on our conversation about Landis.
After dinner that night, I step out onto the porch.
It’s cool, a little bite to the air. The sun is down, but the moon is full tonight.
I can see all the way down the hill to the lower pastures, the cattle dark spots against the grass.
There’s a shape leaning on the fence, a cherry cigarette tip glittering.
I don’t have to look twice to know it’s Landis.
I walk over, leaning my elbows on the rail. “Don’t let your mom see you smoke.”
“I never do.” He exhales, head back. The stars are a heavy net over us.
We’re both quiet. I clear my throat.
“This morning, you were trying to talk to me about something,” I say.
He nods.
“And I kinda shut you down. Why don’t you say what’s on your mind?”
He’s quiet, and then he shrugs. “I know Mom talked to you after I had this conversation a while back. I’ve been thinking about going east, to the mountains, maybe getting a chance to…do something. I don’t know what yet.”
This time, I think back to where I was at his age. I was hungry to find a place to call home, and I wasted nineteen years to avoidance and doubt. I should have been honest with myself and faced all my baggage. As uncomfortable as it is, I think Landis might be thinking about doing just that.
“Alright,” I say.
He freezes, glancing sideways. “What?”
“Alright,” I repeat. “If you feel like you need to go there to figure shit out, I’ll support you. I don’t love the idea, but I won’t stand in your way.”
He looks at me for a long time. Finally, he clears his throat.
“Thanks,” he says gruffly. “Not just for this. For being there and getting it.”
Neither of us talk for a while. We just stand by the fence.
Raising Landis was a privilege. It healed a part of me that, no matter how hard I tried elsewhere, I couldn’t fix for myself.
He taught me patience, how to be gentler, to have confidence in myself as a father.
It’s going to be hard to close that chapter, but I want him to have a good life more than I care about what I feel.
“Reckon we should go in,” he says finally.
We start walking up the hill.
“There’s just a few things you’ll need to know to survive out there,” I say. “First, take your gun with you if you go east, because there’s places the law don’t touch.”
“What’s the rest?”
“Anybody asks you about sports, you tell them Go Cats and leave it at that. And all bourbon comes from Kentucky. Everything else is just whiskey.”
“I don’t think that’s true.”
“It is. Bourbon from outside Kentucky is fake bourbon. Anybody’ll tell you that. And mint juleps are for tourists and Derby day only. Most importantly, stay the fuck out of the organized crime. And the unorganized crime too.”
His throat bobs, like he’s overthinking.
“You trying to talk me out of it?” he asks.
“No, I’m trying to make you respect it,” I say. “I’ll support you if you decide to go, but I still want you coming back in one piece.”
His eyes soften. “I will, Dad. Promise.”
We’re almost to the porch when I notice Jon’s truck and Gage’s work vehicle are parked outside. The lights are on in the house, and I can see movement through the open front door.
“Kinda strange,” Landis says, checking his watch.
“Just another turn in the wheel of time,” I say, opening the door and heading inside.
Everybody is in the kitchen, and I can hear Delia and Julie-Mae talking a mile a minute over the sound of Toby yelling happily.
I’ve got a pretty good idea what’s going on, because the day before yesterday, I was leaving Ryder Ranch after shooting the shit with Deacon, and I got the question I knew was coming.
My truck was halfway down the drive when I saw Gage waving his arm from where he sat on the gate, waiting for me to drive out.
He was lying in wait, fixing to ask me about marrying Julie-Mae.
“Why’re you asking me? Ask Julie-Mae,” I said.
“I will. I was just hoping you, her parents, would kinda give me approval. I’m not saying Julie can’t make her own choice, that’s not what I’m saying,” he said. “I’m just saying I think she’d feel like I wasn’t doing this right if I didn’t ask you first.”
I thought about giving him shit, but damn, he was sweating bullets.
“What you got for her?” I asked.
He squinted up the hill, rocking on his heel. “I got the manager’s house, I got my job running the ranch. And I got a ring.”
“Not bad. Let’s see it.”
“I mean, it’s not on me. I was fixing the fence.”
“How big is it?” I was having trouble keeping a straight face.
“Like a carat,” he faltered.
“Huh,” I said.
His face fell, and I started laughing, unable to keep it together. His shoulders sank in relief.
“You go on and ask her,” I said. “Good luck.”
“Thanks,” he breathed. “And don’t tell anybody, please.”
I drove all the way home, thinking about how damn good those kids have it, and that’s by design.
I was expecting an engagement announcement at any point, but clearly Gage wasted no time.
They’re all in the kitchen, Della blowing her nose and dabbing her eyes.
Coffee bubbles, forgotten on the stove. We walk in, and Julie-Mae goes to show Landis her ring.
Toby is playing on the floor, but he jumps up when he sees me, running hard. I scoop him up.
“Show your dad the rock,” says Della, appearing at my side. She takes Toby from my arms, bouncing him on her hip.
Julie-Mae leans over the table, holding out her hand. It’s a pretty nice ring, yellow gold with a large diamond in the center. Bigger than a carat, but I wouldn’t expect Gage to know. The only reason I have any idea is basing it off the ring I bought for Della.
I glance up, meeting Gage’s eyes. “You did good.”
Julie-Mae giggles, wrapping her arm through his. They’re both glowing, more nervous than I’ve ever seen them.
This is it. This is what I wanted.
Maybe Landis will go east and have his own adventure, find himself the way I did. He’s turned out a lot like me, and that’s something I can be proud of. Or maybe he’ll stay put and figure things out another way.
That’s for him to decide. But for right now, I’ve got everybody right here, in this kitchen. Things will change, my kids will build their own lives and move on, but at the end of it, I’ll have exactly what I started with and then some.
I sit down, soaking it all in, and my eyes go to the brightest light in the room. Della’s in the prettiest dress with purple flowers, not unlike the one she married me in. Her hair falls down her back, a few strands of gray glittering in it. She’s moving, swaying with her grandbaby in her arms.
I feel love like an ache in my chest.
She looks up and sees me watching her, and I’m back in the stockyards all those years ago, seeing her for the first time. The whole world is quiet, and she’s at the center of it, shining brighter than the sun.
She reaches out with her free hand. I take it, bringing it to my lips.
“Hell or high water, baby,” I murmur.
THE END