Chapter 22 #2
“The easy thing to do in the moment would have been to agree, but I’d had it with us.
Nothing would change. Getting back together with her would’ve just reset the toxic cycle we’d been in from the beginning.
I told her no, that we were over. No second, third, or tenth chance.
” I pinched the bridge of my nose, giving Aspen my attention for the next part.
It was the least I owed her. “She told me that if I didn’t take her back, she was going to kill herself.
That wasn’t the first time she’d threatened suicide, but she’d never followed through, and I believed the same to be true this time.
So, I laughed it off and said I knew she was bluffing, but blackmailing me wouldn’t work this time.
I hung up and passed out. Next morning, I heard the news. ”
Fire lanced through me, turning my already blackened soul to ash. I pulled my eyes from Aspen’s like the coward I was.
“If I’d been sober rather than spaced out on drink and drugs, maybe I’d have dealt with it differently. Called for help. But I didn’t, and she died.”
Silence hung between us, as thick and oppressive as a dense fog in the depths of winter.
“So, now you know.” I got up and trudged to the window.
Eight fucking years I’d carried this weight, and it never got any lighter. Idiotically, I’d dared to hope that telling Aspen a truth I’d buried deep inside me would’ve eased my guilt a fraction.
It hadn’t. If anything, it felt heavier than it had in years.
I didn’t hear her approach, only realizing she’d moved to stand beside me when her warm palm landed on my left shoulder.
“Joz.”
“Hmm.”
“Look at me.”
I turned, peering down at a woman who exuded strength, who was comfortable in her own skin without a man to define her.
I wished Caroline had known Aspen. She’d have benefited from a friend like her.
“What happened to Caroline wasn’t your fault.”
I laughed, the sound brittle and soaked in bitterness. “If I had a quid for every time I’d heard that, but they’re empty words, Aspen. It was my fault.”
“So, you’re saying you should’ve gotten back together with Caroline just so she wouldn’t take her own life? What about your life? Doesn’t that matter?”
“No.” I moved away, forcing her hand to fall to her side.
“Joz, that’s absurd. Of course your life matters. Caroline’s mattered, too, but we cannot be held responsible for the actions of others, no matter what we said or did. Caroline needed professional help, not a reluctant boyfriend who was only with her because she blackmailed him into it.”
“And I could have found that help for her. Instead, when she reached out to me, I turned her away, too busy chasing my own high to care about her crash.”
“You really believe that, don’t you?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I do. After her funeral, I checked into rehab, and I haven’t touched drink or drugs since.
” A flash of lightning lit up the sky, followed by a loud crack of thunder.
Was that Caroline fervently agreeing that what happened to her was my fault?
“She had a kid. He was one when Caroline died. She never told me. I dated the woman for months and never knew she had a kid, and because of me, he’s an orphan. ”
“What about his father?”
“According to Caroline’s mother, he left her after Arthur was born. Couldn’t deal with a Down Syndrome kid, the fuckwit.”
“God, that’s awful.”
“Yeah. His loss. Arthur is fucking amazing.”
A soft smile etched across her face. “You keep in touch?”
“Yeah.” I grabbed my phone and opened the photo album, navigating to a video I’d taken of him not that long ago.
He was helping Kate bake chocolate brownies.
And by helping, I meant getting covered in flour and butter and generally making a holy mess of Kate’s kitchen.
I played it for Aspen, one half of my heart shattered by what I’d stolen from this kid, the other half bursting with love for him.
He wasn’t mine by blood, but he was mine in all the ways that mattered.
“I do what I can, both financially and emotionally, to fill the gap Caroline left because of me.” Aspen’s eyes narrowed, but before she could utter a word, I raised my hand.
“Please don’t. I’ve come to terms with the fact I’ll never get rid of the guilt, and I have to be okay with it.
Being there for Arthur, and for Kate, Caroline’s mother, helps me more than therapy ever did. ”
“He’s a darling.”
“He’s a terror.” I grinned. “But he’s one special kid, and I could not love him more if he was my own.”
“Why did Caroline never tell you she had a child?”
“Not a clue. Kate didn’t know why, either.
Maybe Caroline thought a famous rock star wouldn’t be interested in a young woman who had a special needs kid in tow.
Or perhaps she wanted to forget the responsibilities of single motherhood for a while, and being with me allowed her to do that. We’ll never know for sure.”
“You’re a good man, Joz.”
“No, I’m not. I’m a flawed man. That’s why I walked out on you after we fucked. You deserve better than a man like me.”
“Oh, good Lord.” She rolled her eyes. “Stop wallowing in self-pity. We’re all fucking flawed. Mostly everyone on this planet is just trying to do their best. You’re no different.”
I winced. “Ouch.”
“You’re lucky that was only an emotional punch. Believe me, I’m suppressing an urge to wallop you. How about you let me decide what’s good for me?”
Despite how heavy this conversation had been, I broke out a smile. “I bet you hit hard, too, huh?”
“Keep saying stupid things and you’ll find out.” She wrapped her arms around my neck, combing her fingers through my hair. “Now, shut up and kiss me.”
I clasped her hips, my heart swelling. “You still want me after everything I’ve told you?”
“No. I still want you because of everything you told me.” She rose up on her tiptoes, her lips hovering an inch from mine. “You may not believe in the goodness running through your veins—yet—but I see it. I see you. So, fucking kiss me and take me to bed before I drag you there myself.”
Well, hell. Who was I to argue with a woman giving orders I was only too happy to follow?