Chapter 40
forty
GRAY
No matter how many times Gray told herself, her family, or her friends that she was ready to move on from Ciar, until she said the words to him, “I’m pregnant,” she hadn’t realized just how furious she was at him. She hadn’t moved on at all.
It was irrational to blame him. He hadn’t known, but rational thought had no place where the man who threw her away stood.
His confusion only pissed her off more. He’d been so busy keeping his secrets and taking care of his daughter that he’d never considered what her life looked like now.
Gray knew he wouldn’t have abandoned her had he known about their baby, but she didn’t want a man who was only doing the right thing.
Ciar claimed he’d been hoping for reconciliation, but as the months passed, her hope dimmed, and she became ashamedly bitter. His daughter had his love and attention, which she should, of course, but what of the baby’s mother? Did she have his attention as well?
Was there any room left in his life for another baby? And the more selfish question, was there any room for her?
Loving a man who gave nothing in return was a lonely and painful road. He wanted her to explain what exactly? How she got pregnant? Surely he remembered. They were both involved.
“What do you want me to explain, Ciar?”
He opened and closed his mouth several times, and finally settled for, “Whose baby is it?”
Dumfounded. Flabbergasted. Stupefied. Thunderstruck. Dazed. Stunned. Pick any or all of them. She felt them all.
He thought she’d had a child with another man. What? Simply because he did, she chose to as well? Disgusting.
Clamping her teeth together until they hurt, Gray forced herself to swallow her hurt and tears, scooted back her chair, retrieved her purse from the floor at her feet, and stood. Her coat was in the cloak room. She’d need to grab that on her way out.
She chanced a last look at Ciar, who was staring wide-eyed at her belly. Maybe that answered who the father was. Asshole.
“Please pay for lunch, Ciar. I’ve an appointment to get to.” She was wearing a flowy, light wool dress, and, feeling petty, cupped her hand under her belly to emphasize the size.
One of the hosts saw her coming and fetched her coat. “Thank you,” she murmured, slinging it around her shoulders as quickly as she could. The Fitzwilliam Hotel always had cars for hire. She would flag one down the moment she stepped outside.
Ciar wouldn’t stay stunned and silent for long. Not nearly long enough, as she heard him yell her name the moment he rounded the corner. She walked through the automatic glass doors right as Ciar pulled her back into the warmth of the hotel’s lobby.
“Gray, please. Please, for fuck’s sake, talk to me.” He spun her around until they faced one another. “I was shocked, but I never should have questioned who the father is.”
He took her hand and led her to a semi-secluded seating area near the front. Numbly, she sat next to him on a small sofa, the realization that the time for hiding was over, sinking in.
“No. You shouldn’t have. I haven’t been with anyone since you left.” He hated her bringing up when he left her, which is why she kept doing it.
“How, though? I mean, I know how, I just thought we were protected.”
“I don’t know if you remember, but right before the Colorado trip, I got so sick and stayed in Scotland to recover. Mom said I probably threw up some of my birth control pills. I never thought…” her voice tapered off.
“We never thought, Gray. We,” Ciar corrected.
They were turned into each other, knees touching, both of them probably wishing they could have this conversation somewhere more private.
He held his hands palms up between them. “Can I?”
When she nodded her consent, he placed his hands almost reverently on either side of her belly. The look of wonder on his face was beautiful.
“When are you due?”
“End of April. Mom was usually right around thirty-six weeks. You probably know this,” Gray tried to keep the sadness from her voice, “but if you push my belly a bit, he’ll likely give you a kick.”
Ciar glanced up sharply. “I’ve never touched a woman’s pregnant belly before.”
How was she to know? He went back to studying her tummy and did as she suggested. He pressed too lightly, so she covered his hands with hers and pressed and manipulated her stomach from side to side.
Bingo. His shocked gasp made her smile. “That’s our son. Gray, can you believe that? We did that. My God. I’m still so…I’m blown away.”
“I’m excited to meet him,” she said, dropping her hands from his. He didn’t let go immediately but hesitantly massaged his big hands over the mound. The gentle circles felt wonderful against her tight skin.
“I have so many questions. Like, have you thought of a name? Do you have his room decorated? Do you have all the baby stuff bought? Or did you have a baby shower?” The last made him pause, and his hands stilled.
“Everyone’s known. This whole time, and they’ve not told me. Daniel and Jonathan?”
She didn’t like how hurt he sounded and tried to explain. “I only found out six weeks ago—this bump grew overnight. I wasn’t showing before that.
“I wanted to be the one to tell you, so I asked everyone to keep quiet. I did try that night at your house, but you didn’t have the time to listen. I decided that it would be easier if I just let you know after the birth.
“I think that when the boys paid you a visit, and you somehow all managed to beat each other up, it was their way of getting you to come home, or admit to, you know, feelings for me or whatever.
“You did move home, I guess. They managed that much,” Gray shrugged.
“I admitted I had feelings for you too,” he let his hands fall from her bump to place them on her knees.
It was odd to have him touching her body. Wonderful, but weird after so long.
“In answer to your other questions, I haven’t picked out any names. I refused a shower until I decide where he and I would be living, Dublin or Inverness, which means I don’t have a room decorated, as much as it’s upsetting my mother, and I don’t have a single thing purchased.
“I moved out of the townhouse and live with my parents since I’m doing these last months of uni online. I only have one major project left and a few papers to finish. I figured I could get everything figured out before he comes.”
He clasped her hands in his. “I’m gutted, Gray. Fucking gutted that you’ve been doing this alone. Please tell me that you want me to be a part of his life. I want to be.”
And there it was. Ciar wanted to be a part of their child’s life. No mention of being a part of hers. She expected it. Truly, she did, it was different thinking it versus hearing it, though.
“Of course. I will have my family’s solicitor contact yours. I want to be fair with you, as I hope you do with me.”
He looked so taken aback, Gray was instantly confused. She handed him precisely what he wanted. Shared custody unencumbered by the child’s mother.
“That isn’t what I want at all, Gray, and you know that damn well. There’s been no one for me since our first kiss, and there won’t be either. Can’t we be a family?”
Can’t we be a family? It’s what she wanted more than anything, except… “I want that, Ciar, but not with a man who doesn’t trust me. One who lies to me and leaves me with no explanation. No. I don’t want that.”
Even though he looked devastated, she couldn’t cave in. Their future, if they were to have one other than that of coparents, meant starting the way you wanted to continue.
And she wanted the truth. He was hiding, from what, she hadn’t a clue.
To soften the blow, she touched his knee. “I’m relieved you know.” She checked her phone and realized she had only fifteen minutes before her doctor’s appointment.
She stood quickly. “I’ve got to go. I have an appointment with the baby’s doctor. We’ll talk soon.”
Ciar caught her arm. “Can I come with you?”
He looked so hopeful, despite everything between them, she couldn’t tell him no. “Fine. Get us a car.”