Chapter Twelve
They flew home as soon as Erin was released from the hospital, but she didn’t feel like celebrating. Everything should have been right. Burke’s reputation had been cleared, his prize colt had won the Derby with a track record, and she was safe. So why was it everything was wrong?
She knew Burke could be aloof, that he could be arrogant and hardheaded.
Those were three ridiculous reasons to love a man, but they were reasons none the less.
What she hadn’t known was that he could be both withdrawn and distant.
He never touched her. In fact, as the first few days passed, Erin realized he was going out of his way to avoid any opportunity to touch her.
He came to bed late and rose early. He spent a great deal more time out of the house and away than he spent at home.
She tried to tell herself he was just gearing up for the Preakness—the second jewel of the Triple Crown—but she knew it wasn’t true.
With too much time left to herself to think, she began to remember the words she’d heard on her wedding day. Men are easily charmed, and just as easily bored.
Was that it? Was he bored with her? Trying to find the answer, she took stock of herself. Her face was the same. Maybe she was a little hollow-eyed, but those things came with worry and restless nights. Her body was still firm, though she knew that would change in a matter of weeks.
And what then? she wondered. When she told him about the baby, would he turn away completely? No, she couldn’t believe that of him. Burke would never turn his back on his own child. But on her? If he was tired of her now, how would he feel when she began to round and swell?
She wanted to look forward to the changes in her body, to the signs that her baby was growing and healthy.
But would those same changes push Burke only farther away?
How could they not, if they didn’t reestablish their intimacy?
Since the physical change couldn’t be avoided, Erin decided she’d better do something about seducing her husband now.
She chose the wine herself. That was something she was pleased to have developed a knack for. She wouldn’t do any more than play at drinking it herself, but it was the atmosphere that mattered.
And candles. She set dozens of them around the bedroom, lighting them so that their scent would be as much a part of the mood as the flames.
She chose the same gown she’d worn on her wedding night, the white lace that made her feel like a bride.
He’d thought her lovely once, desirable once.
He would again. She picked the Chopin he’d played on their first night together and wondered if he would remember.
Tonight would be another first, another beginning. When they’d loved each other, when they’d finally come back together as they were meant to be, she would tell him about the baby. Then they would talk about the future.
He’d taken himself to the wire before he climbed the stairs.
Burke found it easiest to wear himself out before he slipped into bed beside her.
That way it wasn’t as difficult to stop himself from pulling her against him.
It wasn’t as difficult to ignore the fact that she was right there next to him, soft and lovely and incredibly sweet.
It wasn’t as difficult to will himself to sleep and pretend he didn’t want her.
But it was all a lie.
It was killing him to be with her and yet not to be with her.
Still, he knew no other way to wean her away, to give her time to make a choice.
She had secrets she was keeping from him.
He could see them in her eyes. There were times he wanted to take her by the shoulders and shake her until she told him.
Then he would remember what she had gone through because of him, and he didn’t touch her at all.
She’d been the perfect wife since they’d come back. Never demanding, never questioning, never arguing. He wanted Erin back.
Then he stepped into the bedroom and his limbs went weak.
“I thought you’d never come up.” She crossed to him, holding out a hand. “You’re working too hard.”
“There’s a lot to be done.”
When he didn’t take her hand, she curled her fingers into her palm but made herself take the final step. “There’s more to living than horses and the next race.”
Involuntarily he reached up to touch her hair. “I thought you’d gone to bed.”
“I’ve been waiting for you.” She brought a hand to his cheek as she rose on her toes to kiss him. “I’ve missed you. Missed being alone with you. Come to bed, Burke. Make love with me.”
“I haven’t finished downstairs.”
“It can wait.” Smiling, she began to unbutton his shirt. She was sure, almost sure, that she felt his response, his need. “We haven’t had an evening alone in a long time.”
It only took the feel of her bandages rubbing against his skin. “I’m sorry. I only came up to see if you were all right. You should get some rest.”
The rejection stung her, and she stepped back even as he did. “You don’t want me anymore, do you?”
Not want her? He was nearly eaten up with wanting. “I want you to take care of yourself, that’s all. You’ve been through a lot of strain.”
“Aye, and you. That’s why we need some time together.”
He touched his fingers lightly to her cheek. “Get some sleep.”
She stared at the closed door before turning away blindly to blow out the candles.
Erin closed herself in the office and buried herself in columns of figures. Those, at least, she could understand. With numbers, when you added two and two, you could be assured of a logical answer. Life, she’d discovered, and Burke in particular, wasn’t quite that simple.
When the call came from Travis that Dee was in labor, she found herself not only pleased for her cousin but for herself and the diversion. Scribbling a hasty note, she left it on her desk. If Burke bothered to look for her, he’d find it. If he didn’t... then it didn’t matter where she was.
She’d learned something else about marriage.
Both husband and wife should stand on their own.
In the best of worlds this was offset by an interdependence—a sharing, a love of each other and a contentment in each other’s company.
In the not-so-best, it simply meant survival. She was and always had been a survivor.
Still, she watched the house retreat as she drove toward the main road.
Such a special place it was, the kind she’d always dreamed of living in.
The grass was green now, and the flowers were in bloom.
It was hard to believe she could finally have something so beautiful and still be unhappy.
But it could be so much more than a place to live, she thought, just as her marriage could be so much more than an agreement between two logical adults.
In time, Burke would have to decide how much more he would permit it to be.
He was dealing with his own devils when he came into the house.
All morning and half the afternoon he’d been unable to erase from his mind how lovely Erin had looked the night before, how hard it had been to walk away from her and from his own feelings.
He was no longer sure he was doing her a favor, and he knew for a fact he was killing himself.
Maybe the time had come for them to talk.
Plain words, plain thinking. He didn’t believe himself capable of much else.
It hadn’t taken him long to realize he was useless without her.
How that had come to be, and why, didn’t seem to matter.
It simply was. But nagging at him, gnawing at him, was the question of what she would be without him.
He’d never given her a chance to find out.
So they’d face off. That was something he understood. Now was as good a time as any.
He glanced in her office and, finding it empty, passed it by. In the atrium, Rosa was watering geraniums. He paused there, wishing he didn’t continually find himself uncomfortable when he caught her going about her household duties.
“Rosa, is Erin upstairs?”
Rosa glanced up but continued her watering. “The senora went out a few hours ago.”
“Out?” The panic was absurd. So he told himself even as it choked him. “Where?”
“She didn’t tell me.”
“Did she take her car?”
“I believe so.” When he swore and turned away, Rosa moved to a pot of asters. “Burke?”
“Yes?”
She smiled a little and set down her watering can. “You have little more patience now than you did when you were ten.”
“I don’t want her left alone.”
“Yet you do so continually.” She lifted her brow at his look. “It’s difficult to pretend not to see what’s under my nose. Your wife’s unhappy. So are you.”
“Erin’s fine. And so am I.”
“You would say the same when you came home with a black eye.”
“That was a long time ago.”
“It’s foolish to think either of us have forgotten. To have a future, it’s necessary to face the past.”
“What’s the point in this, Rosa?”
She did something she hadn’t done since they’d been children. Crossing to him, she touched a hand to his face. “She’s stronger than you think, my brother. And you, you aren’t nearly as tough.”
“I’m not ten anymore, Rosa.”
“No, but in some ways you were easier then.”
“I was never easy.”
“It was the life that wasn’t easy. You’ve changed that.”
“Maybe.”
“Your mother would be proud of you. She would,” Rosa insisted when he started to back away.
“She never had a chance.”
“No, but you do. And you gave one to me.”
He made a quick gesture of dismissal. “I gave you a job.”
“And the first decent home I’ve ever known,” Rosa added. “Before you go, answer one question. Why do you let me stay? The truth, Burke.”
He didn’t want to answer, but she’d always had a way of looking straight and waiting for as long as it took. Maybe he owed her the truth. Maybe he owed it to himself. “Because she cared about you. And so do I.”
She smiled, then went back to watering. “Your wife won’t wait as long for an answer. She’s impatient, like you.”
“Rosa, why do you stay?”