Love Again
Wrenly
I came so close to dumping all my sorrows and regrets on him, but I held back. Traveling down memory lane wasn’t easy, but doable in small doses. The issue I was facing was how much I needed him when I lost my baby. He was weighing heavily on my mind, and I was still aching for Travis to hold me and comfort me through that grief. To take away all my fears and be the person I needed when it happened. I still lived in those moments, and I needed him to reach through the years and pull me into this new future with him in my life. It wasn’t Matt’s fault that he couldn’t give me what I needed. It wasn’t fair to him that he wasn’t the person I cried for that night and every other night that I felt alone and grieved for what I lost. One of the most hurtful parts of my pregnancy was accepting the fact that none of my dreams were ever going to come true. I wouldn’t serve in the military, and I could accept that, but what I couldn’t accept was the loss of my lifelong dreams that included Travis. From the time I was little and able to think about my future, I always dreamed of a beautiful wedding where I would marry Travis then we would have little babies and live happily ever after. Those thoughts made me feel guilty during my pregnancy and then I blamed myself when I lost my son. Maybe if I wouldn’t have grieved over my lost dreams, my baby wouldn’t have been taken from this world.
Once I felt Travis’s arms around me, I knew I could never have that connection with anyone but him. I didn’t notice how strange it was the way we looked at each other when we finally let go. It wasn’t normal to look into someone’s eyes that you hadn’t seen in fifteen years and see yourself in them. Those eyes of his held all my most wonderful childhood memories. Behind them was my first love, all the hope I had as a child, and everything else I have ever needed. I never got it wrong when it came to Travis. I knew then just as I know now that I love him in the biggest way imaginable. He might not have known it, but he was always with me. He was in all my laughs, all my tears, and beside me in every step I ever took. He was with me in that delivery room when they cut my son out of me, and he was holding my hand as we laid my baby boy to rest. He was there for all my military training, every mission, and every single time I held the hand of a wounded Marine. He was in every breath I took, and every beat of my heart. If anyone else would have been in the room and saw the way we just stood there looking into each other’s eyes, they’d probably be creeped out, but to me it was one of the best moments of my life.
It took us a few minutes to shake out of it, and he cleared his throat then stepped back to work on dinner. I gulped down the glass of wine I abandoned a few minutes prior over on the counter before pouring another one.
“I was stationed at Camp Lejeune after boot camp in San Diego. I was sent to the middle east of course, but had missions in Africa and South America. Once upon a time I had a short relationship with another Marine Raider. We didn’t work out because I just wasn’t feeling it. I’m barely in touch with my team. We all went our separate ways. Some had families, and others went dark. After the Marines I went to the FBI as you know, and spent two years undercover with the Scorpions.” I was trying to avoid talking about home, but also trying to answer some questions I thought might have been on his mind. That’s why I gave him the short and quick version of my adult life.
He was placing the chicken in the oven then paused, but put it in and stood back up straight. His reaction told me he had some difficult questions. “You were Stone’s old lady?” He busied himself by wiping down the counter, obviously avoiding eye contact with me.
“Yeah, but not until he was done prospecting. He claimed to have met me at a bar and took me home the first night we met.”
There was a vein on his neck that popped out as he tried to act unaffected. I knew what he was thinking, it was the same question the other agents asked when it was over. I was really testing his patience, and I knew it. I noticed he swallowed hard as he looked down at the counter and not at me.
“I took the assignment thinking I had the upper hand. You and I both spent time in the MC clubhouse with dad and Tony. This was nothing like that place. You should have seen the shock on my face when I stepped into the Scorpions clubhouse. There I was, a girl without all that much experience getting an eye full. I almost blew our cover in the first five minutes. I never saw anything like it in my life. Stone’s face was beet red when he saw my reaction. He tried to prepare me, but I swear it was around the clock drugs and sex.”
I could swear that vein on his neck was pulsating as he waited for me to get to the point. He didn’t say a word, just stood there with his hands on the counter and looking down. He was having the same reaction as my dad when he learned where I was undercover.
“So anyway, it was definitely a culture shock. What about you, ever been to a clubhouse? Like a real one, maybe Club X?” Yep, I was testing him.
“Fuck no.” He shook his head as he continued to look down. “I mean, I’ve never been to Club X after dark. I have witnessed what you did, but never participated.” He swallowed hard again. “I saw things…Jesus I saw things I never ever wanted to see.” That vein only grew, and a new one popped out on his head. “Those women…and the guys…fuck no.” He shook his head again.
I giggled. “Who would have thought out of the two of us, you’d be the most shy about such things.”
His face slowly grew redder, and those veins became even more prominent. He was pissed and probably feeling a little sick.
“Thank God it was perfectly acceptable for bikers to be protective of their old ladies. All of our fake shenanigans happened behind closed doors, and I never had to participate. I shared a bedroom with Stone for two years and never once did he disrespect me by touching me. He played his part well as a cheating bastard. I was the understanding and open minded old lady. Stone was tough and kicked the shit out of anyone that ever tried anything on me. Not that I couldn’t have done it myself, but it was part of our cover. After a while I earned respect, and nobody messed with me again. They knew I was Stone’s old lady and didn’t dare try anything. Unfortunately, I witnessed what Stone did with those women, but I was just thankful I didn’t have to do the same. Not even with Stone.” If he was thinking I went without sex for those two years, he would have been right.
He let out a breath I presumed he was holding then rounded the island before he pulled me into his arms. “Thank God, I was afraid to ask, but knew you’d eventually tell me.” He kissed the top of my head. I closed my eyes and took in his distinct scent and that safe warm feeling of finally being home. With anyone else, I wouldn’t have had that conversation. It wasn’t their business, but the closeness between us made it his business.
“Like I said before, I never had to face the kind of evil your team did on that mission. Not in the Marines and not in the FBI. Stone did a great job of protecting me with our covers. If he didn’t, I would have blown our cover when I took the evil out myself.”
He squeezed me a little tighter. “Remind me to thank Stone.”
The longer he held me, the more something inside me changed. I hadn’t been my true self since he left. It always felt like I was taking the wrong path in life, no matter how many different paths were presented to me. Instead of being rigid in his arms, pushing away so I didn’t have to face my fears, I wanted to be absorbed by him. His strong arms, distinct scent, and his comforting touch melted away every promise I made to myself. I wasn’t being held by that boy I once knew. I was being held by a man with every quality I knew he would possess once he forgave himself for things that were out of his control. I wanted his lips on mine, his bare chest pressed against me, his hands softly roaming my body and studying every curve. As I stayed in those arms I imagined those lips trailing down my neck, then toward my breasts. The little boy who once welcomed me into his arms when I was returned to my father was suddenly a grown man. A man with enough power and grace to change the world. He was no longer that little boy that wore Transformers underwear and was as skinny as a rail. He was a tall, broad, and muscular man who had the power of drenching my panties with just one look. Even his voice was deep and powerful when he spoke. Then came his touch and stirred a physical reaction in me that made my skin tight with goosebumps. My body didn’t just desire to be entangled with his, my heart, mind and soul were all screaming for us to become one. I had to control those needs because I was always twenty steps further than him with both my feelings and my dreams. For God sakes, I was barely a preteen girl the first time I told him I was in love with him. Any other boy probably would have made fun of me then run away. Not Travis, no instead of embarrassing me, he hugged me and kissed the top of my head then said I was adorable.
I didn’t just want to be in his bed. I wanted that friendship back. I wanted him to come to me and find comfort when his heart was breaking. I wanted him to hold my hand and encourage me to always do my best. I wanted to experience all of his adventures and laugh with him late into the night. I wanted to see his messy hair in the mornings and spend relaxing evenings curled up on the couch in front of the television. I also wanted to see him in action. Be there as he commanded missions and learn how that mind of his worked. I wanted all of him, from his crooked pinky toes to that funny looking birth mark on his shoulder. I just hoped I was enough for him, because I couldn’t give him more than the woman I already was.