Chapter 4 #2
I wince because, damn my brain that was, unbeknownst to me, keeping track of the number of messages I’ve traded back and forth with this non-asshole stranger.
I usually try to keep my extremely bizarre and often inconvenient eidetic memory on the down low because, real talk, it’s really fucking weird and a little creepy to people who don’t know me.
But it’s also as much a part of me as the color of my eyes or the fact that my curls refuse to be tamed, so it sometimes surfaces in unanticipated ways.
Grabbing another handful of jelly beans, I decide it doesn’t matter. The chance my relationship with this stranger lasts more than the length of this conversation is minimal, so do I really care if he learns prematurely that I’m basically a human computer?
I do not.
Swallowing the candy, I turn back to my phone.
ChaosQueen
Something like that.
RenegadeRush
So about that competition…
ChaosQueen
I haven’t even decided if I like you yet and you’re already worried about competition?
RenegadeRush
Worried? You misunderstand me. I’m not worried. I live for a competition because I always win.
ChaosQueen
And in this case, would you be winning…me? That seems a little presumptuous, doesn’t it?
RenegadeRush
I think you misspelled confident.
ChaosQueen
I don’t misspell. I said what I said.
RenegadeRush
Well, what I’m saying is, I’ve been on this app for two weeks now, and this is already the best conversation I’ve had. So, if you’re up for it, I would really like to keep talking to you.
I mean that in the least “u up” way possible, I swear.
ChaosQueen
Well, you haven’t asked for a picture of my feet yet, so I guess I wouldn’t mind talking to you either.
RenegadeRush
There is no way that actually happened.
ChaosQueen
You really have no idea what it’s like to be a woman on the internet. Or in the world in general.
RenegadeRush
Apparently not.
I feel like I didn’t make that apology for all men effusive enough.
ChaosQueen
There is no apology effusive enough.
RenegadeRush
No, I really don’t think there is.
I assume you said no to the foot picture.
ChaosQueen
I actually searched the internet for pictures of the world’s grossest feet to send because, serves him right, right?
RenegadeRush
One hundred percent yes. So what picture did you send?
ChaosQueen
I almost sent this one.
[pic of gross feet]
RenegadeRush
Holy fucking fuck. I literally recoiled. I think I have whatever the opposite of a foot fetish is. That picture is going to haunt my dreams.
ChaosQueen
Right? Like, you can’t unsee it.
RenegadeRush
You said “almost.” So why didn’t you send it?
ChaosQueen
I realized just in time there was a non-zero chance this motherfucker would be turned on or whatever by the picture, and I fear I would never recover from the horror of living with that particular reality.
So, I did the mature thing and ignored the message.
RenegadeRush
Probably a smart decision all around.
ChaosQueen
I tend to make them from time to time, although almost always in a work-related setting. My personal life decisions are generally less intelligent.
RenegadeRush
So what kind of work do you do?
Sitting back in my chair, I consider his question.
It’s only occurring to me now that I should probably think about what kinds of boundaries I want to set on this whole thing where I talk to strangers on the internet.
Probably not telling an unknown man where I work and what I do is a reasonable first step.
ChaosQueen
Now that doesn’t really seem like first conversation information, does it?
RenegadeRush
I don’t know. Is a first conversation kind of like a first date? On a first date I would definitely ask you what you do, and I’m pretty sure you would probably tell me.
ChaosQueen
I feel like if you’re asking me what I do on a first date, then maybe the first date is already boring.
RenegadeRush
It feels pretty standard to me. What else would I ask you?
ChaosQueen
Get creative football guy. I can think of at least ten things right offhand.
RenegadeRush
Hit me with your best one.
ChaosQueen
How many pennies do you think would fit in a car?
RenegadeRush
Interesting. Are follow up questions allowed?
ChaosQueen
Sure, why not?
RenegadeRush
What kind of car? Are we talking a Mini Cooper size or a Hummer? Are the pennies going in the trunk too? The glove compartment? Do they go in the center console? There are a lot of variables to consider.
ChaosQueen
Assume pennies will go in all available interior space. And since a Hummer’s trunk is interior space, that counts too.
RenegadeRush
It has to be like 5 or 6 million, but there’s a flaw in the question.
ChaosQueen
What’s that?
RenegadeRush
Well, if you consider that one penny weighs about 2.5 grams, and I’m right about the capacity, five million pennies would weigh something like 27,500 pounds.
That’s got to far exceed the maximum payload capacity of a consumer Hummer, which means you would probably break the suspension long before the car was full. I would be willing to complete the experiment for you, but it would be a waste of a really good car.
I bark out a laugh at his response. I’m relatively certain I’m not supposed to find internet strangers funny, but there’s something about the seriousness with which he took the question that amuses the shit out of me.
ChaosQueen:
I’m flattered you think I’m worth tanking a 100,000 dollar car for.
RenegadeRush
I’m pretty sure you’re worth a whole lot more than that, but I’ll be needing you to ask me some more first date questions to be sure. That was a good one, but how do I know you’re not a one-hit wonder?
ChaosQueen
My brain is a wild place. I promise you there’s more where that came from.
RenegadeRush
Okay, well, if that’s true, then I propose a little game.
ChaosQueen
What kind of game?
RenegadeRush
One first date question per day, per person.
ChaosQueen
Just one?
RenegadeRush
One from each of us.
ChaosQueen
Why not just ask a whole bunch of questions now?
RenegadeRush
Sometimes good things are worth waiting for. Besides, if we ask each other all our questions now, there might not be any reason for you to talk to me tomorrow, and I really like talking to you.
I read his last message over and over again, coming to realize I really like talking to him too. This is…not how I expected my day to go, but I’m rolling with it.
ChaosQueen
I guess you’re okay, but I’m really an instant gratification kind of girl. I’m not sure I want to wait until tomorrow.
RenegadeRush
Patience, ChaosQueen. I promise I’ll make it worth your while. And tomorrow, I get to ask the first question.
ChaosQueen
That presupposes you asked the second question today, but I don’t remember that happening.
RenegadeRush
When you’re right, you’re right.
If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, what would it be?
ChaosQueen
Shots fired, football guy.
That question is a huge problem for me.
RenegadeRush
Why is that?
ChaosQueen
Because I contain multitudes and I can’t pick one favorite of almost anything. I need different songs for different moods.
Am I happy? I need “Don’t Stop Me Now” by Queen.
Am I mad at the world? I need Alanis Morissette's “You Oughta Know” or The Chicks “Not Ready to Make Nice.”
Do I hate men today? “Goodbye Earl” and “You Don’t Own Me” are my jams.
Am I doing all-time favorite Broadway song? It’s gotta be “One Last Time” from the original Hamilton cast recording because Christopher Jackson rips that last note like no other and I could listen to it 78908779098668 times in a row and never get bored.
RenegadeRush
So, what you’re saying is, your username is extremely accurate.
ChaosQueen
Sure is.
RenegadeRush
I dig it. So, same time tomorrow?
ChaosQueen
I’ll have my question ready.
RenegadeRush
It’s been a pleasure, ChaosQueen.
ChaosQueen
Same goes, football guy.
I click off my phone and toss it on my desk, then pick up my Dr Pepper and take a long sip, surprised to find I’m smiling.
I definitely didn’t have stranger on the internet amuses me on my bingo card today.
It may be a weirdly unconventional way to meet someone, but I don’t hate it. I don’t hate it one bit.
And as I get my shit together and dig into the rest of my work for the day, part of my mind stays right on my internet stranger, and what kind of question he might have for me tomorrow.