Chapter Fourteen
IT TURNED OUT that even applying for a marriage license made them both break out in a cold sweat.
At least Shauna wasn’t alone in her fear of holy nooserimony.
The rest of the day passed in a flurry of phone calls and difficult conversations.
They must have called a dozen rehab facilities.
Every conversation carried the weight of hope, guilt—because even though she was doing this to help Brian, doing it behind his back felt like a betrayal—and eventually disappointment.
Shauna had lost hope with each rejection.
They finally got lucky and found a rehab facility that was willing to admit Brian tonight.
It was two hours away, but she’d drive for a whole frigging day if that was what it took to help him.
Zander had spoken to Zeke, and as he’d expected, Brian had drugs in his pocket and had tried to do a hit when he’d woken up.
He’d been furious when Zeke and Blaine had intervened, making sure he only did enough to get him through the next several hours, and he was even angrier that Shauna wasn’t there and the guys weren’t letting him out of their sight.
She had no idea how his brothers handled that, but she was grateful they had.
Zander was right. If she’d been there, she would never have been able to focus on finding a rehab center.
Now they were on their way to talk to Brian, and she was a nervous wreck, fidgeting with a rip in her jeans. Unable to focus past her worries, her gaze darted between the world speeding by and Zander behind the wheel. “I don’t want Brian to know you’re lending me the money for rehab.”
“Then he won’t,” he said with a small smile.
She gazed out the window again, worrying for the millionth time that she was asking too much of Zander.
He’d been incredibly supportive, making calls, reassuring her that they wouldn’t give up, and telling her she was doing the right thing when the guilt pressed in.
They’d gone over a hundred different ways the conversation could go with Brian, and he’d even made her lunch when she said she didn’t want anything.
How he’d known she needed sustenance was beyond her, because she hadn’t even realized she was hungry until he’d asked her to take a bite for him, and then she couldn’t stop.
He turned down her street and reached across the cab of his truck to take her hand, drawing her eyes to him as he pulled over at the end of the street. “Are you sure you’re up for this?”
“Yeah. I’m good,” she lied as convincingly as she could.
“You were humming your strength song just now. Do you want to talk some more about what you’re going to say or how he might respond? Or take a few minutes before we see him?”
She hadn’t realized she was humming and was surprised he’d remembered what she’d said about that song. “I’d like to skip this part altogether and have him miraculously be sober and off drugs and past the hard parts, but that’s not going to happen.”
“I can talk to him so you don’t have to,” Zander offered for the dozenth time.
“Thanks, but you know it has to be me. Let’s get it over with.”
He kept hold of her hand as they drove the rest of the way down the road to the cottage. When he cut the engine, he said, “I don’t want you alone with him. I don’t trust him not to get violent again.”
She didn’t either, but she knew if Zander was in the room, she’d never get through to Brian. “He’s not going to open up to me with you or your brothers in the room.”
“My brothers are taking off after we get there, but I’m not leaving you alone with him.”
“Then he won’t talk to me,” she said, frustrated. “I know you’re worried, and I appreciate that more than you can imagine, but can’t you wait on the porch or something?”
His jaw clenched. “Fine, but only if the door stays open so I can hear if there’s trouble.”
A thread of relief wound through her, but hell if it wasn’t chased by guilt. “Okay.”
He tightened his grip on her hand, leaning closer.
“This is going to suck. It’ll probably be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done, but you’re doing the right thing by helping him.
That said, if it gets to be too much or you feel unsafe, you get the fuck out of there or just say my name, and I’ll be inside before you take your next breath. Got it?”
A lump formed in her throat. She didn’t even want to think about that happening, but she knew she had to, and she nodded.
He climbed out of the truck and was opening her door to help her out before she could do it herself. As they headed up the walk, the front door flew open and Brian charged out hollering, “Finally! Where the hell have you been?”
Zeke and Blaine were on his heels, and as they grabbed his arms, Zander stepped in front of Shauna, an immovable barrier, shoulders back, chest out. As Brian shouted and cursed, Zander said, “Let ’im go.”
Blaine and Zeke shot Zander dark looks that said, Are you fucking crazy? Shauna was wondering the same thing.
Zander nodded curtly, staring down Brian as they released him. Brian hollered at them about never touching him again, and Zander spoke over him in a voice so lethally calm, it gave Shauna shivers. “If you want to speak to Shauna, you’ll shut your mouth and listen to what I have to say.”
“The fuck I—”
Zander’s hand flew out like a snake striking, snagging the front of Brian’s shirt and lifting him off his feet. “If I have to tell you to listen one more time, Shauna leaves. Got it?”
Shauna held her breath.
Brian looked at her. The desperation in his eyes was palpable, bringing rise to more strangulating guilt. But she and Zander had talked about this. She knew the only way to get Brian to agree to go to rehab was if he believed he’d lose the thing he cared about most. Her.
“I will leave,” she said, fighting the urge to add, I’m sorry.
“Here’s how this is going to work,” Zander said as he lowered Brian to his feet, still clutching his shirt. “You two are going to talk—”
“Alone,” Brian demanded.
“That’s up to Shauna. If she feels like she can trust you, you’ll have a chance to talk with her alone.” Zander hauled him forward, speaking through gritted teeth. “If you lay one finger on her, it will be the last thing you ever do. Do you understand?”
“Whatever, man,” Brian sneered.
“That’s not good enough. I want your word that you will not touch her, so if you do, she’ll know never to trust you again.”
“I won’t fucking touch her,” Brian barked.
Zander glanced at Shauna. “Do you trust his word on that?”
“Yes. I know he doesn’t want to hurt me,” she said, hoping it was true.
“Don’t disappoint her,” Zander warned. “She’s all you’ve got left.”
When he released Brian, Brian didn’t give him a second glance.
Instead, his pleading eyes locked on Shauna, tugging at the heartstrings that formed from years of being each other’s lifeline.
She struggled to keep from running over and hugging him, telling him everything would be okay if he’d just go to rehab.
She had to be stronger than the urge to comfort him.
Not only because he needed to believe he’d lose her, but because he truly would if he didn’t agree to get help.
Brian’s future, and their friendship, hung in the balance of their next conversation.
That reality filled her with determination and courage. Acutely aware of Zander and his brothers watching Brian’s every move, she said, “Do you want to talk inside?”
“Yeah,” Brian grumbled.
She ushered him into the cottage, leaving the door open. When Brian reached for it, she stopped him. “Leave it open. I don’t feel safe with you.”
“Shauna, I’m not going to—”
She held up her hand, silencing him. “I’m not taking any chances.”
“What the hell,” he said under his breath, skulking into the living room. “You don’t trust me anymore, but you trust a stranger?” He paced like a caged tiger.
She wanted to tell him that Zander was less of a stranger than he was at this point, but she knew better than to say anything inflammatory. “This isn’t about him. This is about us, Brian. You and me.”
“Then why is he even here? Why are you staying at his house and not here with me?”
“Because I let my guard down, and I let you down. I should’ve been there in a bigger way when you were complaining about work and when you stopped going to the gym and stopped going to meetings—”
His nostrils flared. “Don’t start this again. Don’t get on my ass about shit. Can’t you just come back home, and we’ll figure this out?”
“No, I can’t. I love you, Brian, but I can’t watch you kill yourself. I almost lost you once, remember?” She saw it then, a slight lowering of his shoulders, the memory taking form behind his bloodshot eyes. “I don’t want to lose you. I can’t go through that again.”
“That’s not going to happen. I’m fine.”
His insistence was rough, but she heard a fissure in it and softened her tone. “We both know you’re not fine, and I know it’s the drugs speaking.”
“Then why are you giving me shit?” He continued pacing.
“Because I want to help you, but if you won’t let me, then I can’t be around you anymore.”
He stilled, breathing harder as he turned and met her gaze. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying this is the last time you’ll see me if you don’t get help.”
“Then help me,” he pleaded. “Move back in, and we’ll do it together, like before.”
Her throat thickened painfully as she shook her head. “I can’t. This isn’t like before. You’re using all the time. I can’t live like this. I’m terrified that you owe people money, and they’re going to come looking for you—”
“I don’t owe anyone money. I’m not fucking stupid. I’d never put you in danger like that!”
“That’s a relief, but I’m still in danger from you, Brian. You physically hurt me. Whether you meant to or not, it happened. We promised we’d never turn into our parents, and I’m trying to help you help yourself. I found a rehab center—”
“I don’t want to go to fucking rehab,” he hollered. “I’m not some goddamn junkie.”
She caught sight of Zander watching them from the doorway but didn’t let it slow her down.
“You’re right. You’re not. You’re my best friend, my anchor, but right now you’re pulling me into the worst kind of storm.
I don’t want to drown, Brian, and I sure as hell don’t want you to.
” Tears threatened, but she managed to keep them at bay as she said, “I’m only going to ask you one more time, and if you tell me no, then I’m going to take my stuff and walk out of your life for good. ”
“Shauna—” His voice cracked.
“Don’t,” she said firmly. “I found a rehab center that will take you right now, and if you care at all about yourself and all those promises we made to each other, you’ll let me take you there so you can heal.
And when you get out, I’ll be there to help you get back on your feet.
We’ll go to meetings together just like before.
But if you won’t go, then you’re choosing to ride this reckless tide alone, and I won’t go down with your ship. ”
His gaze darted frantically around the room, and he paced again. “You’d walk out on me?”
“If you choose drugs over your well-being, yes. I have to. You know that deep down in your heart. If you didn’t have drugs in your system, you would want me to walk away for my own safety.”
He stopped pacing again, staring down at the floor, opening and closing his hands.
“Please look at me.” She waited until he did. “You’re not alone in this. I’m right here, ready to help.”
His shoulders dropped, the tension around his jaw and eyes draining like she’d pulled a plug. “I can’t do this without you.”
“You don’t have to,” she said softly, hope rising inside her. “Just say you’ll go to rehab, and we’ll pack your things and leave right now.”
He blinked several times, his eyes glassy. “I don’t want you to see me in there. Not like that.”
She wanted to tell him that she loved him and he didn’t need to feel ashamed, that seeing her might help ground him while he was going through rehab. But he was on the verge of agreeing to get help, so she gave in. “Then I won’t visit you. Just please let me help you.”
The fear and reluctance on his face were palpable. “You’ll be here when I get out?”
“Yes. I promise. Every step of the way. Just like before.”
He was quiet for so long, she feared she was losing ground.
“Okay,” he relented, full of defeat. “I’ll go.”
Tears spilled from her eyes. “Thank you.” She wrapped her arms around him. “I love you.”
Over Brian’s shoulder, she saw Zander watching them, his jaw clenched so tight, it had to hurt, but he was nodding, as if to say she’d done good. She held on to that encouragement like a brass ring, needing it as much as she needed Brian’s embrace.