Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
I pulled out my phone, feeling a desperate need to call someone, but who? Tyler? Finn? My father? The last one nagged at me.
Should I call my dad? Should I ask him if my grandmother was a…God! I couldn't even say it. Didn't even want to think it. But wasn't the evidence right in front of my eyes? How could I think anything differently after what I'd just heard?
Before I could change my mind, I punched in my father's number, holding my breath as I waited for him to answer, but he didn't pick up. And his cool voice on the message didn't make me want to leave one. I certainly couldn't ask this question in a voicemail. Nor did I want to text it.
As footsteps came up behind me, I whirled around in alarm, a fear that grew greater as I looked at Ray.
"Everything all right?" he asked.
"Yes," I said shortly.
"Good. Your grandmother is looking for you. She's in her apartment if you want to stop in."
"Of course. Thanks." As he didn't make a move to leave, I said, "Is there something else?"
He gave me a long look, then said, "No, that's it." And then he walked away.
I took a few more deep breaths, debating what I wanted to say to my grandmother, but I hadn't come up with anything by the time I walked into the inn and knocked on her apartment door.
She opened it a moment later, giving me a surprising smile. It didn't reach her eyes, but it did part her lips and surprised me with a warmth I hadn't seen before. But maybe this was part of her plan to handle me.
"Cassidy. Come in. I see Ray found you."
"Yes. I was in the garden. It's beautiful out there."
"I've always loved gardening. There's something about digging my hands in the dirt that's very satisfying."
It was the most personal thing she'd ever told me, and it put me off balance.
"Would you like some tea or perhaps a glass of wine?" she asked, as she motioned me inside.
"No, I'm fine."
"What have you been doing today?" Ellen asked as I sat down on her couch.
I thought about the best way to answer that question and decided that letting her control the conversation was a bad idea. She'd unsettled me. I needed to do the same thing. "Finn introduced me to his parents, John and Katherine."
Her lips tightened. "I see. And you spoke to them about me."
It wasn't a question, but I answered it anyway. "More about my father than you. I was curious to know what he was like as a child, and I didn't think you'd tell me."
"Because…"
"You don't seem to want to talk about him any more than he wanted to talk about you."
She shifted in her seat, and I knew my strategy was working; I just didn't know how long I could keep it up, because Ellen was a formidable woman, and I couldn't deny that I found her intimidating in the same way I found my father intimidating.
Mother and Son certainly knew how to shut people down with just a look.
"I don't like to talk about David," she said finally. "It's painful. You don't have children, so you probably can't imagine what it feels like when the person you spent years protecting turns on you and never wants to see you again."
"There had to be a reason why he did that."
"As I said before, that's something you'll need to hear from him. What did John and Katherine have to say?"
"They told me that my father was in some kind of love triangle with Tom Holloway and a girl named Lily, the same girl who apparently walked into the sea, leaving a suicide note behind, never to be seen again.
" I watched for a shift in her expression, but she wasn't giving anything away.
"A lot of people disappear from this town.
And you and everyone else pretend that that's normal, but it's not. "
Her gaze darkened. "That was a long time ago.
Lily was a troubled girl who had a hard life.
It was terribly sad that she made the choice to take her own life.
I wish I could have helped her more. I tried.
I gave her a job here, hoping the money she made would give her some freedom.
But obviously, it wasn't money that could free her from her pain. "
"My father left soon after that. Did he leave because she died?"
"I think that was a factor," Ellen admitted. "He suffered two losses in a very short period of time, his father and then Lily. I'm sure her death hurt him more than he was willing to share with me, although he never actually told me he was involved with her. I found that out after the fact."
"You don't seem like someone who is easy to share anything with. In fact, you seem like my father in that regard. He has huge walls up. I've never been able to scale them."
"But he was happy with your mother?"
"I think so. He was different with her," I admitted. "He was softer, happier; he smiled more. She could get through his walls, but she seemed to be the only one."
"How did she die?"
"She had cancer. It was pretty fast, less than a year. I was devastated."
"I'm sorry."
"The worst part of it was that I couldn't grieve with my dad. He shut me out. We were like two islands of pain. It was awful."
"He was never comfortable with his emotions. I assume you had family support on your mother's side?"
"Not really. She had family in Oregon, but we didn't see them much. They came out when she first got sick and then again for the funeral."
"Has your father dated anyone since then?"
"I'm sure he has, but he doesn’t talk to me about it, and I haven't lived near him in a few years." I paused. "I thought coming here might help me understand him."
"I thought you came here because of your podcast."
"It was always about both. When I saw that Natalie had disappeared from your inn, it seemed like fate was telling me that this was the case I needed to look into. Because it gave me a reason to come here, to meet you."
"Why didn't you tell me who you were when you arrived?" she asked curiously.
"I was afraid you wouldn't let me stay. I didn't know if you knew about me. I also didn't know if you'd recognize me."
"You don't look like your father, but now that I know, maybe I do see some of him in you. I'm not sure. It's been so long since I've seen him."
"I still can't believe you never looked him up."
"As I said, he always knew where I was. He could have reached out if he wanted to. Obviously, he didn't want to."
"You both have a lot of pride. Probably too much."
"That's a possibility," she conceded. "And I think it may be time for you to leave. I can't tell you what happened with your dad and me. Even if I could, it wouldn't matter. What's done is done."
"The past isn't everything. There's the present. There's the future."
"Not a future we can share."
"Why not? I'm not my dad."
"Your father wouldn't allow that."
"I'm twenty-eight years old. I don’t need his permission to know my grandmother."
"It would end your relationship. He would think you made a choice. And then he would make one." Ellen cocked her head to the side, her gaze sharp on my face. "Do you really want to choose me over him?"
I didn't answer right away because her question had cut through the polite bullshit we had going on. "I can't choose you, because I don't trust you."
Ellen stiffened. "Well, I appreciate your honesty."
"No, you don't. You don't want me to be honest. You want me to leave and never think about this place again. But I don't understand why, and maybe that's the reason I can't go yet."
"You have a life in New York. That's where you should be.
You're young. You have years ahead of you to be whoever you want to be.
I don't want to see your life defined by what has happened between your father and me, or what you think might be going on in this town.
Go home, Cassidy. Find love, make a new family, and forget about this place. "
There was a passion in my grandmother's voice that made me feel like she was speaking from her heart, like she wanted me to leave for my own sake, but was she really just protecting herself?
A knock came at her door. She hesitated, then got up to answer it. "Excuse me."
When she opened the door, I saw Moira. "I'm sorry to bother you," she said. "But Dr. Garrett is here, and she needs to speak to you."
"Have her wait in my office; I'll be right there." Ellen shut the door, then said, "I have to go."
"I heard," I said as I got to my feet.
"Think about what I said, Cassidy."
"I will. But I'm not leaving tonight."
"We'll talk again tomorrow." She ushered me out the door, then followed me.
When we got to the lobby, she went into her office, and I moved into the dining room where the servers had set out finger sandwiches along with other snacks. I made a plate, grabbed a glass of wine, and then headed upstairs to my room.
Once inside, I locked the door, then shoved the dresser back in front of it, feeling better with the added protection. Even though my grandmother had been relatively nice to me, I couldn’t forget how she'd told Ray she would handle me.
That had probably meant convincing me to go home. At least, that's what I hoped it meant. Until I could figure that out, I was going to keep asking questions, taking steps forward, and hope that I could find the truth before someone found a way to stop me.
I set up my equipment and recorded a shorter podcast, ignoring my grandmother’s request not to film from my room.
I’d deal with her issues later. I related the new information about Nathan's overdose and how that might impact Jessica's case.
I also said that the podcast was forcing people to listen to us, to ask questions on their own, to force the police to keep investigating, and we were going to keep at it as long as possible.
I didn't mention overhearing Ellen's conversation with Ray.
It was too personal. And it would put too much attention on Ellen and Ray, something I couldn't afford while I was staying at the inn.
I was trying to be brave, but I was not that brave.