18. Isabella
18
ISABELLA
W hen I got home last night, I intended to go right to bed—which I did—but sleep didn’t come as quickly as I’d hoped. In fact, it never came.
I spent all night tossing and turning, unable to get Nicco’s words out of my head.
“I haven’t stopped thinking about you once.”
Why did he have to come back to NYC?
What happened between him and his fiancée ?
Why did he have to speak to me?
Why couldn’t he just leave me alone for the rest of my life like he told me to do with him?
I listened to him. Why can’t he listen to me? I don’t want to speak to him, and I don’t want to hear anything he has to say.
Pulling myself out of bed, I make my way to the kitchen. I hear quiet voices and already know who to expect when I round the corner. Lux stands on one side of the island pouring two cups of coffee while Teo sits on a barstool on the opposite side.
“Good morning, Izzy,” Lux says cheerfully, but I detect the strain in her voice which makes me think she and Teo were talking about me.
“Good morning to you both,” I mumble, my voice hoarse as it gets acclimated to the start of the day.
“Would you like some coffee?” she asks.
“I’m okay, thanks though. I need something a little stronger than that,” I say as I head toward the espresso machine.
The tension in the air is palpable, and I feel Teo watching my every move. After I press start on the espresso machine, I turn to face him, leaning my hip against the counter and folding my arms in front of me.
“I guess we should talk,” I say.
Teo glances at Lux, who gives him an encouraging look, before settling his gaze back on mine. He lets out a sigh and says, “Only if you want to,” which takes me by surprise.
Teo doesn’t usually give people the option to tell him information he wants to know, and after seeing Nicco and me at the gala last night, I’m sure he has several questions flying through his head. Angry questions.
“Well, if I’m being honest, I’d rather not talk about it…” I glance at Lux whose eyes widen in a plea for help.
“But I know it’s something I should probably tell you… so… here goes…”
The buzzing of the espresso machine stops, letting me know my drink is done. I ignore it as my heart rate picks up and my cheeks flush with heat while I prepare to tell Teo the secret I kept for years.
“Niccolò Silvestri and I have—” I swallow deeply. “A past.”
“Good morning, oh sweet family of mine,” Enzo interrupts as he walks into the kitchen and heads straight for the cup of coffee Lux made for Teo.
“Aww, Lux, you didn’t have to make me any coffee,” he says, picking up the cup and taking a sip from it. He lets out a satisfied “Ahh…” before saying, “you’ve really become a master of the French press, huh?”
Giving her a wink, he brings his attention back to the rest of us, finally reading the room. “Did I miss something?”
“Well, first of all, that coffee you’re drinking is mine that my wife made for me,” Teo says. “And secondly, yes, you did miss something. We both fucking missed something apparently.”
Teo snaps his gaze back to mine. “Continue, Isabella,” he says through gritted teeth, the reaction I expected earlier now shining through. “You and Niccolò Silvestri have… a past. What kind of past are we talking about here?”
“Wait, you have a past with Niccolò Silvestri?” Enzo asks, his jaw dropping, then takes another sip of Teo’s coffee. “You know, I fucking knew something was up when he told you to have a good birthday.”
“What kind of past are we talking about here, Isabella,” Teo asks, the patience in his voice wearing thin.
“We met my freshman year at CU and dated for a year and a half,” I spill before murmuring, “a few months before Mom and Dad…”
The room is quiet except for Lux who’s busy making another coffee for Teo. She keeps glancing up between the three of us with wide eyes, like the anticipation of how this conversation will go is making her anxious.
“You dated Niccolò Silvestri for a year and a half and never told us? Never told Mom or Dad?” Teo asks.
I shake my head. “Mom knew, but that’s only because she surprised me one night when she came to visit me, and Nicco was there.”
Teo points at Enzo. “You and Niccolò were both seniors while Isabella was a freshman. You never noticed anything around campus between the two of them?” Teo comes off accusatory.
“No, never. I’m just as surprised as you are,” he says.
Teo rests his elbows on the counter and drops his head in his hands, rubbing his temples. Bringing his head back up, he rests his chin on his hands. “Why wouldn’t you tell us? Why didn’t Mom ever say anything?”
Shifting my body so my back is now resting against the counter, I tell him how Nicco wanted to keep us a secret because of his dad and how we convinced Mom not to tell anyone until we had a solid plan of how to be together.
“You knew about this last night,” Teo says to Lux who’s in the process of pouring his new cup of coffee. “How long have you known?” She glances up, eyes wide.
“She’s only known since my birthday. She would’ve told you, but I asked her to give me a little time before doing so,” I answer for her, not wanting to cause a fight between them. “She was just trying to be a good friend to me, Teo.” I’m instantly relieved when a look of understanding washes over his face.
“I was worried about what you guys would think of me. I’m sorry I never told you. I just… I really don’t have a good excuse. It was just better for us to keep our relationship a secret.”
Dropping my gaze down to the marble floor, my mind gets lost in the gray veins before Teo speaks again.
“You know nothing can happen between the two of you, right? I won’t allow it after what his dad did to ours.”
“I know, Teo. And you don’t have to worry. I don’t want anything to do with him either.”
That seems to relieve some of the tension in his shoulders.
“Okay, okay,” Lux says as she hands him a fresh cup of coffee. “Why don’t you two go and do whatever it is you guys do while Izzy and I go and have some girl talk.”
“Why can’t we be part of the girl talk?” Enzo asks. “I want to know how the fuck I missed Izzy and Niccolò when we went to the same school for an entire year.”
Lux rolls her eyes and waves him off with a flick of her wrist and then gives Teo a kiss on the cheek.
I finish the rest of my espresso, then she walks over to me and grabs a hold of my wrist. “Come on, let’s go,” she says before pulling me back toward my room.
Once we’re back in my room, I head straight to the couch and lie down while Lux lies on the loveseat across from me.
“So…” she says, leaving the space open for me to fill in.
“So…” I repeat, not even knowing where to begin.
“You said he broke up with you , right?”
“That’s correct.”
“Well, the way he marched after you last night did not look like a man who broke things off with you. Every step he took was with pure determination.”
I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter.”
She narrows her gaze on mine as if she’s trying to figure out if she believes me. “So, what happened when he followed you off the dance floor?”
“He said he wanted to talk.”
“Talk about…”
“Us. He said he hasn’t stopped thinking about me, but it doesn’t matter. I don’t need to hear anything he has to say.”
I’m still so frustrated with Nicco and how he thinks he can come back into my life and demand I speak to him.
“Are you sure you don’t want to talk to him, Izzy?”
I push myself up to a seated position and pull my legs up to sit cross-legged. Grabbing a pillow, I prop it on my lap and run my hand over its beaded embellishment.
“I’m angry,” I admit to Lux. “I’m angry that he left me. I’m angry that he’s back. And I’m angry that he thinks he can barge into my life and demand I speak to him as if I’m the one who cut him out of my life completely.” I’m panting by the end, struggling to find the oxygen I need in my lungs while the frustration boils inside of me.
“Did you ever think that maybe you might need this?” Lux suggests softly. “Maybe this is the closure that’s needed from your guys’ relationship.”
I shake my head once more, not wanting to listen to any voice of reason when it comes to Nicco. “I don’t want to give him the satisfaction.”
“What if it’s not for him? What if this is for you? You’re the one who needs that closure. Maybe speaking to him will finally get that for you.”
I mull over those words for a moment because she’s right. As much as I hate to admit it, Nicco left me broken and with questions. He acted as if our entire relationship was nothing to him, and that freaking hurts. What if hearing what he has to say can help me to understand what our relationship was? Help me to move on?
Then again, what if it’s not? What Lux is saying is rational. This could give me the closure I need, but Nicco doesn’t deserve that. He doesn’t deserve my attention. He doesn’t deserve for me to give him the time of day.
* * *
SOPHOMORE YEAR AT CENTENNIAL UNIVERSITY
A soft knock sounds at my door while I lie in bed curled up in a ball, holding my pillow to my chest like it’s the only lifeline I have. The only thing keeping me from shutting myself off to the world and spiraling until there’s nothing left of me.
Ignoring the knock, I continue to cry as quietly as I can, but it’s no use. I’ve been in here for the past thirty minutes wallowing in self-pity, and the shudders quaking through me are beginning to be too much.
I’m trying to figure out where I went wrong.
Where we went wrong.
And I just don’t understand.
Another knock comes through, except this time accompanied with Liana’s voice and the sound of my door opening. “Izzy?”
Shifting my gaze up to the door, I make eye contact with my cousin. Her gaze widens before she pushes her way into my room.
“Oh my gosh, Izzy. What’s wrong?” She rushes to the side of my bed. “What happened?”
I shake my head, and just when I thought the sobs had slowed, they come back full force as if I’m reliving that terrible phone call all over again.
It’s as if Liana witnessing me like this makes what happened so much more real.
Climbing onto my bed, Liana takes me into her arms and cradles me. She does so for who knows how long while I sob into her shoulder, letting the dark emotions pour out of me.
“Izzy, talk to me.” Concern seeps through her words. “I’m worried. Please tell me what’s going on.”
I whisper the nearly unintelligible words. “Nicco broke up with me.”
Liana tenses before pulling away to look at me. “What?” she asks, confusion masking the concern.
Sitting up so my back is resting on the pillows propped against my headboard, I wipe the tears from my cheeks with the sleeve of my sweatshirt and sniffle.
“I came in here to take that call from Nicco. I thought he was going to tell me he was coming over.” I sniffle again. “H-he said he wanted to break up. That his dad found someone for him to marry in Italy and that he’s going there to meet her family.”
Even as I speak the words it doesn’t make sense. How can someone who’s been such a constant in my life for the past year and a half just break up with me over the phone like that? There were no signs. Nothing.
“This doesn’t make sense, Izzy,” Liana says.
I throw my hands up. “I know, but that’s what he said.” My shallow breaths make an appearance again, and the stinging behind my eyes starts up once more as the tears threaten to spill again.
“Okay,” Liana soothes as she places a hand on mine. “Take a few deep breaths with me.” I oblige as we do so in sync, trying to calm my racing heart and mind.
“Now, start from the beginning. Tell me exactly what happened.” And I do so, spending the next few minutes going through everything Nicco said to me, and by the end, Liana is just as confused as I am, making this all the more difficult.
“Have you tried calling him again?”
“I did, but he won’t answer my calls, and he won’t answer my texts.” I let out a pathetic scoff. “He’s probably too busy fucking that girl I heard on the other line.” I can’t bring myself to say the word fiancée.
“I know it doesn’t sound good that he had someone else there calling him babe, but it just doesn’t make any sense, Izzy. I’ve seen the two of you together from the start, and this does not sound like Nicco. He loves you. He’s freaking obsessed with you.” She shakes her head, not believing this just as much as me. “There has to be an explanation.”
Grabbing my phone from between us, she holds it out to me. “Try him again.”
I shake my head, not wanting to deal with this anymore tonight.
Pushing my phone closer so it’s practically in my hand, she says, “Just one more time. There has to be a good explanation for this. Maybe something did happen with his dad like you said. FaceTime him. See if there’s any kind of tell.”
“I really don’t want to, Liana.”
“Please, Izzy. You need to get some answers. He owes you that.”
I reluctantly take my phone out of her hand and press the FaceTime icon next to Nicco’s name. The ringing takes over the speaker, and my heart threatens to jump out of my chest as I wait. Just when I think he’s not going to answer, Nicco’s face takes over my screen.
He’s in bed, no shirt, and hair tousled. His lids are heavy as if he just woke up, but it’s not that late. I know he wasn’t sleeping.
“What’s up?” he asks, his voice scratchy and distant.
“I-I just—” I swallow deeply, my voice hoarse from all the crying. “I wanted to talk to you.”
At that moment, when I thought the pain in my heart couldn’t get any worse, it feels like shards of glass are piercing it from all sides, debilitating it so it’s no longer rendered useful.
“What’re you doing?” comes the high-pitched voice of a female, then a mass of dark hair comes into the frame and a woman wraps her arms around Nicco and drops a small kiss along his jawline.
I freeze, not knowing what to do. How to react. It’s like a car crash. I shouldn’t watch, but I can’t seem to tear my eyes off of it.
She’s tan.
Dark hair.
She’s beautiful, even though I only get a glimpse of the side of her face as she lies on Nicco like I’ve lain on him so many times before.
And Nicco looks so… happy.
He smiles wide at her, showing his teeth as she presses butterfly kisses down his neck, and then finally brings his attention back to me. It’s like he forgot I was even here.
“What do you need, Isabella?”
“I-I?—”
“Listen, I’m sorry, but I’m a little busy right now,” he says, dismissing me. “If you still need me tomorrow, just text me or something.” His flagrant disregard cuts me deep.
He makes eye contact with me, and for a second, I swear I see a glimpse of my Nicco. As if there’s actually someone behind this facade who cares about me.
“Can I give you some advice?”
He continues speaking with the girl resting on his bare chest.
“I’m not trying to be a dick, Isabella, but you need to stop contacting me.”
And like that, my Nicco disappears and is replaced with this heartless monster I don’t recognize.
“I can see you’re upset by this, so I’m trying to help make this less difficult for you. You need to move on.”
“I don’t believe this, Nicco. This isn’t you. Please just talk to me.”
“You’re coming off as desperate, Isabella. I’ve never known you to act like this. It’s not a good look on you.”
“Maybe I should give you two a minute,” says the girl resting on his chest. Even though I can only see the top of her head in the frame, I can tell she goes to pull away, but Nicco holds her to him and mumbles, “It’s fine.”
Bringing his attention back to me he says, “You’ll find someone one day. I think you and I both know we weren’t each other’s endgames. The secrets we had to keep from our families? That’s no way to live, and you know it. This is the best decision for both of us.”
A tear escapes me, and I rush to wipe it away.
“See ya, Isabella,” Nicco whispers, then hangs up on me. I hold my phone out, but instead of breaking down, I sit there staring at it.
The mattress dips as Liana scoots closer. She says something, but the words bypass me as I continue to watch my blank phone screen.
All I can feel is her wrapping her arms around me once more, but this time I don’t know what to do.
Don’t know how to react.
So I sit here.
Frozen.
As if the rug wasn’t just pulled out from right underneath me.
* * *