1. Marie
1
MARIE
OMENS AND CHOICES
T he day I find out my twin sister is pregnant is also the day I realise she might die.
Lisa missed her period and if there's one thing we’re really good at, us Moretti twins, it’s being perfectly on time and perfectly in sync. I clock her out after two days. We share a bathroom at our father’s mansion, our bedrooms connecting through the double door space, and Lisa can be quite messy. The absence of blood on the porcelain bowl of the toilet alerts me immediately to her situation. That and the fact that she keeps sneaking around with her new security detail, Hugo. Poor guy is as good as dead now. Lisa knew our father would kill him if they ever got caught but she did it anyway. So did he, for that matter. Maybe Lana, our sister and new Head of the family, will do it. She’s lenient, but not that much. If you take a job protecting the daughter of a retired mafia boss and sister of the current boss, you better know how to keep it in your pants. Hugo, I’m sure, never thought he’d get caught.
I can’t blame Lisa though. She lives for the thrill and it’s the only freedom we really have with being perfect little mafia princesses, born and bred for this life even if we’re raised as if our family is squeaky clean. The thought makes me want to reach for what’s inside my small black purse.
It’s been too long, but I need to wait a little longer.
Where Lisa loses herself with unprotected sex with the man who’s supposed to protect her—and maybe soon, motherhood—I have other outlets.
I refrain and focus on the round clock hanging from the sterile white wall of the doctor’s office waiting room. The hands of the clock tick loudly and I’m painfully aware that my heart is twice as fast. It pounds in my ears, and the back of my neck dampens with a light sheen of sweat despite the November air reaching inside the building. My long black hair sticks to my nape uncomfortably, but at least it hides any traces of my discomfort.
I could always go to the bathroom and get what I need. Lisa wouldn’t notice, she’s too busy chewing on her nails, buzzing with both fear and excitement.
Since we were three or four years-old, Lisa’s always talked about having a big family, with four or more children, ‘just like mamma’.
Our mother had four girls. Angèle is the oldest. Married to the media tycoon of Kalliste island, she lives for her husband and his ambitions, which serve the Morettis well. After all, the small Mediterranean island we live on might have its own government, but in reality, it belongs to my family. Alana—Lana—is the official head of the Morettis, and engaged to our business partner’s son, Lisandru Bartoli. They love each other so much it’s nauseating to be around them but after what she went through during her first marriage, I’m glad she found him.
And then, there’s us. The two misfits. Twenty year-old, and no idea what we’re doing.
At least I don’t.
I have no clue what I want or who I am. Our family has always wanted to keep us safe so we’ve been raised away from any shady dealings and dangerous activities. What they did without realising it, is alienating us from the rest of them. I have everything I could ever want, yet everything scares me so much I have panic attacks. And I’m always alone. Alone with Lisa, but alone all the same. Forgotten and discarded, kept away as too precious, too fragile, too young.
Actually, I know exactly what I want right now and my skin prickles with the need for it.
Before I can make a move, the ob/gyn appears in the threshold of her office, wearing a white coat that does nothing to settle my nerves or Lisa’s.
It took us far too long to come up with an excuse and have our security drive us here but thank God for basic men’s aversion to anything related to period and vulvas—except when it comes to sticking their dicks into them. They didn’t want to hear why we needed to go, and our mother didn’t pry.
We make our way into Dr Olmeto’s office and Lisa clasps my hand in hers, the other one pulling at the threads of her ripped jeans. We’ve only ever counted on each other. I’d never let her go through anything alone. I squeeze her fingers and give her a reassuring smile. Her shoulders drop slightly and she releases a heavy sigh.
After the introduction, Dr Olmeto guides Lisa onto the examination table. The leather creaks as she lays down. She moves the oversized black sweater to reveal her flat pierced belly and I stand at her head, but keep her hand in mine.
“Alright Miss Moretti, take a deep breath and relax for me, please,” she instructs.
Lisa giggles and it takes her a few minutes before she settles, her dark green eyes an exact replica of mine and shining with mischief. She looks at me and I know exactly where her mind went.
“Ew, gross, Lili,” I whisper.
She beams a salacious smile. The moment helps diffuse the tension, and the ob/gyn can start her examination, her lips twitching with amusement.
As the doctor glides the transducer for the ultrasound on Lisa’s lower belly, she frowns and remains silent.
The seconds tick by, but Dr Olmeto’s face doesn’t show the joy you’d expect from someone who’s about to announce your sister is having a baby.
“Congratulations Miss Moretti. You’re pregnant.” Her voice sounds like a dull blade in the silent room. “I’ll print the sonogram and come back in a moment.”
She disappears behind her door. The ominous air suffocates us.
“Do you think there’s something wrong with her?” Lisa asks, more fragile than I’ve ever seen her. Her radiant and glowing olive skin is sullen with unnatural grey under her eyes.
“Her?”
“Yeah, it’s a girl. I know it.”
“Lili, right now, it’s a peanut and not even viable.” I roll my eyes, but Lisa winces and I regret my words. I’d never tell her but I’m already jealous of what’s growing inside her. Despite having everything I could ever ask for, a loving family and protection at all times, Lisa is the only person that never lies to me, never hides from me. She’s the only person that feels like she’s mine. We understand each other without words. She knows when I need her quiet presence or her pink chaos. When I can live vicariously through her as she gets a piercing—which I never had the courage to do—or when I just want to lay my head on her lap while she reads.
We’re deeply entwined. No one gets it. But it’s fine because I have her, and she has me.
“I’m sorry, Lili,” I tell her then kiss her cheek. “What I mean is that you don’t know yet.”
“I do, Mimi,” she says, my nickname making me wince. She’s the only one who uses it. She’s the only one allowed to use it. It’s horrendous. But nothing she does or says can ever be wrong.
Dr Olmeto comes back into the room and rolls a new echogram machine by Lisa’s bedside.
“Miss Moretti, while doing the echo just now, there was some feedback on the screen that I’d like to check more precisely. This,—” She shows a prong with a blunt head that looks like a dildo but with a very thin body. “Is going to allow me to take better images of your vagina, cervix and uterus. Are you okay with that?”
With a nervous nod, Lisa agrees.
“You can remove your jeans and underwear behind this curtain.”
Dr Olmeto motions to the small changing space with her hand and remains turned towards the screen of the beeping machine. I turn around as well as my sister removes her clothes then sits back on the examination table. A sheet is placed over her body and I keep myself angled towards the monitor to give her privacy.
When Dr Olmeto sets out to do her task, the images on this machine are way clearer than the other one but I’m still not sure what she’s looking for.
She shows us the embryo on the screen and Lisa sobs, squeezing my hand. I find myself smiling at the screen. After all, maybe having a little extra piece of my sister is exactly what I need in my life.
I tilt my head to the side. It’s so small.
“I also see a mass and I don’t like the look of it. I’d like to do a biopsy, to make sure nothing’s amiss,” the doctor says.
She sends us home after collecting cells from Lisa’s cervix and endometrial tissue, and prescribing me with the pill. Not that I’ll make use of it but it makes me feel better. I’ll have to make sure not to make myself sick. It hasn’t happened in a while, and won’t matter much if I vomit it into the toilet since I’m a virgin and not planning to fuck anyone, but you never know.
Maybe I’ll meet someone who isn’t in the mafia and Lana will allow me to marry them. One can only dream of escaping their destiny.
The following week, December brings cold winds from the sea as we make our way back to Dr Olmeto’s office. The white walls and stainless steel appliances give me the creeps. I unconsciously shake my right leg, bouncing on the ball of my foot, then trace my fingers over the shape inside the clutch I carry. I’ll get to that soon, thankfully.
“Thank you for coming back, Miss Moretti. Have a seat,” the doctor says, addressing my sister who sits next to me, the portrait of grunge rock fun with her leopard print legging, Dr Martens boots and an oversized flannel shirt draped over a plain white tee-shirt with a massive fuck in the middle. Where I decided to blend in and dress in a conventional black wool dress that accentuates the curves of my body subtly, she sticks out like a sore thumb in the middle of all of the posh high society Sant Armellu women, but she’s still beaming with joy.
Being pregnant looks good on her, I guess.
“The biopsy results came in last night.” Dr Olmeto takes a deep breath in and I brace for what’s next.
I already know.
I didn’t want to believe it.
I let myself get swept up by Lisa’s joy, by covering for her so our family doesn’t discover her secret until she’s ready.
But deep down, I know.
I’m going to lose her.
“You have Stage Two uterine cancer.”
Lisa slaps her hand over her mouth, a mournful sob escaping her.
I’m frozen. My limbs become numb as I listen to Dr Olmeto’s professional voice. “About three percent of all people assigned female at birth that are diagnosed with uterine cancer have what’s called a sarcoma. It’s a rare type of cancer that forms in the muscles or tissues of your uterus.”
She shows us pictures on her desktop but all I can think about is how do we get rid of it.
“Is it operable?” I ask, hearing my own voice as if through a fishbowl.
“Yes, we can operate next week and remove your uterus, Lisa. Because you’re in stage two and the cancer has spread, we’ll also remove the cervix.”
“No.”
I look at my sister. Her eyes are full of tears that won’t fall but her shoulders are set and she has this fierce aura that I know and love about her. Right now, I hate it with all that I am. I hate her resolve so much I want to shake her so she sees reason. I want to slap her, yell at her.
And I do nothing.
I just watch as Dr Olmeto explains the risk of going through with the pregnancy and her chance of survival after.
I finally find my voice. “Lili, you can’t be serious.”
“I’m very serious, Mimi. Having a child is all I’ve ever wanted,” she argues. “I’m not giving her up. There’s a ninety percent chance of survival.”
“The first year! What about five years from now? How much then?” I yell and turn my gaze to the doctor who grimaces but answers, “Seventy-five percent”.
“That’s a twenty-five percent chance of dying. For what? An embryo? You can adopt. You can live.”
I stand and pace back and forth in the tiny office space, crawling out of my skin. Anger rises in my veins and I have nowhere to fucking put it.
“I know, Mimi, but that's not what I want,” my sister says, her voice way too compassionate, too placating. “This is my only chance to be pregnant. I’m taking it and I don’t care what you think. I love you more than anything in this world, but this is for me.” She turns to her ob/gyn. “I’ll be in touch.” Then she says to me, “Don’t follow me, I can’t be close to you right now.”
I watch her back, her long black hair swaying side to side as she leaves.
I sit back down and press my hands to my eyes, hoping to pierce them until I reach my brain and get it out of my head. My heart breaks into shards that lay at my feet in a bloody display of pain and exhaustion.
Dr Olmeto hands me a card. “This is a colleague of mine. They’re a psychiatrist. Think about it.”
I take the card and nod, my vision blurred with tears. I have no plans of using it and throw it in the trash on my way out.
I don’t tell the good doctor that it doesn’t matter that Lisa lives right now. I can already see the sombre shadow surrounding her and I bet when I’ll reach for the bottle in my bag and find myself at the bottom of it later tonight, it’ll have magnified to encompass her entire being. I’m gonna lose her and all I can do is watch as she destroys herself for a life that isn’t even born.