18. Marie
18
MARIE
IN THE CAPALDI FAMILY, TRACKERS ARE A LOVE LANGUAGE
I ’ve been living in Nico’s cabin—though it’s more like a beautiful house in the woods—for a week. We haven’t touched, or become more intimate since the first night. I was not myself that night. In reality, I’m not myself now either.
I’ve been hiding. Hiding from my family, from my grief, from the world.
I can’t go on like this. Especially since I’m out of supplies.
Every night I’ve drunk one of my miniatures I hid in my suitcase before going to sleep, except that time when I asked Nico to come for me instead. God, just the memory of his lips parting on a whimper makes me press my thighs together.
On my phone, I save articles after articles speaking about dominance and submission. I didn’t realise it was such a codified world. I’m so out of my depth but every word has me more aroused, all hot and bothered. It’s a nice change to the cold desire for alcohol. It warms me from the inside out.
I imagine Nico on his knees for me, waiting for my every command, willing to please after he tells everything he wants me to do to him. We would need to establish what they call “a scene”, talk about limits and safe words. I’ve never had sex, I’ve never even kissed anyone so this all could be too much but it feels right. The absolute control, the choices of what I could do with someone’s submission—not someone’s, Nico’s. That’s what I crave.
“Are you okay?” Nico asks and I jump, a hand to my heart.
He moves like a wraith, silent and graceful, and I can never anticipate where he will be the next minute. I need to sharpen my senses if I ever want to be anywhere close to his skills. The voice inside my head reminds me that the only thing I truly like is when my senses are dulled and muted by sweet liquid oblivion, but I ignore it.
“You scared me. Don’t scare me like this, Nico.”
He cocks his head to the side and I know I’m about to hear another nugget of truth from the man who can’t seem to know how to lie. I pretend that it annoys me but I’m waiting with bated breath. “But your pupils widen so prettily when you’re scared. You have a similar look when you want to touch me. I like it.”
My cheeks heat and I press my hands to them before standing and moving around the room to prepare Ember’s mid morning bottle. She babbles happily in her cot, yet another item Nico made sure he had on hand before we arrived. My heart softens when I watch her touching the mobile above her head and smiling sweetly.
She’s such an easy child. She rarely cries except when she needs to eat or a change. Grief hasn’t tainted her life, resentment isn’t yet part of the range of emotions she’ll experience. I pray she never will have to, but I fear she’ll become just like me. Grey, full of rage and nowhere to put it, because I chose to raise her, and daughters often become their mother.
As I keep my eyes on my precious daughter, I’m aware of a phone buzzing close by. I turn my head to see Nico pick his phone from his pocket. The corner of his lips lift but I don’t have the luxury of studying him. My phone starts blaring a tune I haven’t changed since I was sixteen.
Giulia’s name shines on the screen and I sigh.
“Don’t even think of not answering, Marie. Giulia’s the most stubborn human I’ve ever met.”
Sometimes I forget that Nico is my cousin’s brother-in-law, now. They must have grown close since she moved here last year. But even in a day, anyone would know Giulia Moretti is the most stubborn Leo they’ll ever meet.
I pick up the phone. “Hello?”
“Hello? Hello?! That’s all you have to say for yourself, Marie Louisa Annabelle? You’ve been here a week and I heard that only today? Dragged it out of my husband’s mouth with my feminine guiles? Explain yourself, ciucciarella .”
“Don’t call me that, I’m not a baby!”
“Then don’t act like one,” she counters but it lacks heat. She’s teasing me but somehow, this is the familiarity I’ve been craving for so long and never managed to touch. I smile and I’m about to answer when she continues, forever the drama queen. “Do I have to come to you or will you deign grace me with your presence, your majesty?”
“Come on, Gigi, don’t be like this.”
“You wound me mortally.”
“Okay, why don’t you come over here? Ember is awake and everything I need is here and I just—I don’t know. I needed a break, you know?” My voice breaks. I’m so tired of shedding the same tears over and over.
“Of course, babe. But you should have told me. I’m right here. I’m always here for you, you know that.”
My entire family has always been there for me, without ever being there. The dichotomy of what they said and what they showed was too hard to sustain, and now, I don’t know if I can trust my cousin, my own blood, to be there for me . Only me. Not snitch to my sister about my whereabouts, though she knows I’m here, of course. Not convince me to go back to Kalliste or give my daughter up.
“I’ll bring wine,” Giulia says and my ribcage becomes too tight. My fingers itch with the need to raise a glass to my lips. I turn my gaze to Nico but he didn’t hear. I don’t want him to see me drink. He’s the only one who knows but he’s also the only one I want to impress. With my family, hiding my little problem is more a case of not wanting them to scold me and berate me, treat me more like a child than they already do. With Nico, everything is different. New and not yet spoiled by years of resentment, lies by omission and abandon.
“Sure, I’m not doing anything special today,” I tell her and we hang up quickly.
I haven’t seen Giulia since the funeral and, maybe because she isn’t one of my sisters, or because she has a new family now and isn’t the epitome of loyalty to the Morettis only, she’s less pressure for me. And she’s bringing what I need.
Nico disappears into his bedroom and reappears seconds later with an object in his hands. Without a word, he sits next to me on his comfortable couch, facing the bay window overlooking the dark green forest surrounding his house. The view is breathtaking and so peaceful, so different from the turquoise and cyan of the Mediterranean Sea from my window on Kalliste. The field of Scottish Bluebells is the only pop of colour but somehow, they don’t trigger me.
He opens his hand to reveal a thin gold bangle. It’s an elegant piece, finer than any jewellery I’ve ever allowed myself to get or wear. My mother always offered for me to borrow some of her precious golden ornaments but I never dared, I never thought it would do anything for me. And with my formal clothes, I always looked too serious anyway, I didn’t want to add the bracelets and necklaces to it. But I never dared to wear any of the grunge chains and metal Lisa would buy either. Always stuck in between.
“It’s beautiful, Nico. Is it for Giulia? She’ll love it,” I tell him. I almost dismiss this entire moment but he frowns again and I do a double take.
“Marie, this is not for Giulia. This is for you.” He says it like it’s obvious. There’s nothing obvious about being offered a beautiful bracelet by a man who makes my heart pound and my core heat. There’s nothing casual about this moment while my daughter looks on with little stars in her shiny green eyes.
“Why?” I ask, unsure. I don’t deserve it.
“It’s a tracker.”
“What?” I jump back. “Are you mad?” I’m close to losing my shit but Nico shrugs.
“Everyone I care about has one. Giulia in her wedding ring, Andrea around his neck, my mother, in earrings she never removes even for sleeping. I need to get to work this afternoon.” His eyes harden and I don’t need to ask what work means. Nico and Andrea are both in on Lana’s war against Moscow and even without the threat on the horizon, Nico kills for a living. He hasn’t said it but it’s an inner knowing I can sense in my bones when I look at him. Especially when the warm honey of his eyes disappear in dark pools of bloodlust like now. “I need you to wear this so I can know you’re safe.”
“I’m only going to be with Giulia, I’m safe.” I try to reason with him but his resolve is solid as steel. He stands and walks in front of me.
“I’m not leaving until you put it on, Marie. I’m not taking risks with your safety. We did with Giulia, and—” He stops himself mid-sentence and my hackles rise. I never heard about anything happening to Giulia.
“What happened to Giulia?” I ask, taking on my commanding tone I know he didn’t resist before. It’s no use.
“That’s not for me to tell.” Ember babbles at our feet and he glances down, his eyes softening, before he looks up to me again. “Please, Marie. Wear this. There’s a hidden lock, here.” He shows me how to close the bracelet and gently open it again in a hidden mechanism. “It’s important to me. The tracker is linked to my phone. I need to know you’re safe,” he repeats.
My shoulders sag and I nod, holding my wrist so he can lock the bangle around it. When the lock clicks into place, butterflies take flight in my stomach. I must be losing my mind.
“What about my daughter?” I ask, because I can’t bear to think Nico wouldn’t include her in the people he cares about.
His lips curve and his smile broadens until he gets a small box from the coffee table I hadn’t noticed before. I can’t blame myself, it’s not every day that I get offered a tracker. Even my father never suggested it—though maybe he should have, considering there have been two kidnapping attempts against Angèle and Lana, and one against Lisa and I.
He opens the little carton box and takes the cutest blue little baby shoes from it, Mary-Janes, holding them proudly, and showing the tracker inside the small buckle.
“It took me a few days to think of it because I read a lot about babies and jewellery and it’s not recommended for little ones younger than three to have them. Some have their ears pierced but I noticed when you arrived that Ember doesn’t and I didn’t want to suggest something you wouldn’t be comfortable with. So shoes seemed like a good idea.” He holds them to me and pink rises on his cheeks like he’s proud and shy all at once. He’s so goddamn cute, my eyes water.
A sob escapes me and his face falls. “You don’t think they’re good enough,” he says and it sounds like a question.
“No, I love them, Nico. Thank you. That’s… so very strange and also thoughtful.”
“Then, why are you crying?”
“Because I don’t think anyone has gone through so much trouble for me,” I choke on the words, tears wetting my cheeks on their way down the floor. My shoulders shake with the force of my emotions and I put my face in my hands, hiding the shame of feeling so much.
“What do you need?” Nico’s rough voice filters through my meltdown. Eyes puffy and lips wet with salt, I say, “Nothing you can give me, but that’s okay.”
“You want me to touch you?”
His face is so open, genuine concern shines on his striking features. He worries the piercing on his lip and I dare to ask. With him, it always seems easy. “Can you just hug me? It doesn’t have to be long.”
Straightening up, Nico nods. Awkwardly, he wraps his arms around me, making me laugh in between sobs. My head lands on his chest, his heartbeat under my ear, soothing the ma?lstrom of hurt in my soul. His posture is stiff but he doesn’t let go, giving me what I need yet again. When will I learn to give back? I’m selfish, demanding to be held when I know he doesn’t like to be touched.
“Can I touch your hair?” he asks, his lips above my ear, his cheek resting on top of my head.
I nod again and before long, Nico caresses my dark locks from my skull to my neck.
“It’s so soft,” he says but I’m not sure he’s talking to me.
With his touch, my eyes close and I breathe again, the sobs ceasing and disappearing like dust in the wind.
“Can I put my hands on your back?” I ask, eyes closed and taking in his dark scent, bitter chocolate and leather mixed with a hint of paint. It makes my mouth water.
“Yes.”
Softly, I let my hands rest on his back, trying not to move too much and letting him adjust to me this time, to the feeling of being touched by me. He squeezes me against him and I take it as a sign to do the same. His breath itches and I smile against his torso.
I’m about to glide my hands up and down his back when a loud bang echoes against the glass wall. We step apart to watch a curvy red-haired woman raising a bottle of wine in one hand and slapping the glass with the other again. Her eyes are wide and shocked. I’m pretty sure Nico has never allowed anyone to touch him like I just did. I’m greedy for more, and a little giddy that he let me.
“Open the door, assholes,” Giulia mouths before rolling her eyes and going for the door again, which Nico opens for her.
She storms in with flourish and embraces me in a warm hug that smells of home, but also of something new.
“I’ll be back, tonight,” Nico says before his eyes dip into the bottle and back to me. There’s no judgement in them but I know he knows I’ll be buzzed when he gets back. There’s no avoiding it. He won’t be there to distract me, and the temptation is too good.
“Yeah, yeah, we’ll be good,” Giulia says with a shake of her hand, dismissing him in his own home. I snicker as Nico shakes his head and takes off. “I swear to you, Marie, if you don’t fuck him I’m gonna lose so much money.”
I cough up at her straightforwardness.
“What?”
“Come on, babe. I have eyes. I don’t know what I walked in on, but you two are going to fuck, like I told Andrea you would. Nico hates to be touched yet he was hugging you like he couldn’t bear to let you go.” She keeps talking as she goes to the kitchen and pulls the drawers until she finds the bottle opener and takes two glasses out of the cabinet like she knows exactly where everything is. I shouldn’t be jealous but I am. Her and Nico are close and the three of them—with Andrea—are a unit I have no part in. “I bet him twenty grands that you’d fuck within a month.”
Wide-eyed and both embarrassed and excited, I ask, “What did he say?”
“That it would take six,” she laughs and hands me a glass before going to her haunches and cooing at Ember. “Who’s my favourite girl?”
All I wanted when I left Kalliste was to be away from my family, as far as I could and left alone to grieve and be with my wretched self. But Giulia won’t leave me alone, of that I’m sure. And I don’t think I mind that much.