21. Marie
21
MARIE
SUBTLE VIOLENCE IS A TURN-ON, APPARENTLY
N ico’s pace is urgent as we walk back to his house. He carries the little basket Ember is sleeping in in one hand and holds mine in the other, our fingers threaded together.
For the first time in my life, someone stood up for me and empowered me, made me feel like I was a part of the family. Even more than that, he made me feel like I was part of the business. I clamp my lips shut to avoid smiling like a silly girl, but my cheeks hurt nonetheless.
When we reach the living room, Nico hands me my daughter and I place her on her bed in my bedroom. She doesn’t rouse and I’m grateful she’s such a heavy sleeper. I need time with Nico. Alone.
To do what, I’m unsure. Anticipation and desperate need to show him how grateful I am replaced any anxious energy I felt at dinner.
When I make my way to the living room, legs like jelly, Nico’s seated on a chair, elbows resting on his thighs. The dark tee-shirt he’s wearing leaves the skin of his arms on display, the black and grey tattoos painting a striking picture. The Fallen Angel on one of his forearms, what seems to be the ecstasy of Saint Theresa on the other, mixed with a demon chasing an angel and a murder of crows taking flight on the other side make up a gothic composition within which fits random smaller ones. It’s stunning and mesmerising.
With measured steps, I walk to him until I stand shy of a foot away from his opened legs. I take my time devouring the sight in front of me. His dark hair looks soft to the touch and I bite my lips, thinking of how much I want to run my fingers through his scalp until he purrs under my hands. The metal of his piercings glints in the yellow light of the side lamp. What kind of noise would he make if I pulled on the lip one with my teeth until it hurt?
Curious to know, and turned on for probably the first time in my life—or second if we consider what happened in my bed the other night—I reach forward and gently let my right hand wander from his cheek to the back of his head, gliding my nails down to his nape. Nico shivers underneath my touch. I don’t know how to interpret it.
“Do you want me to stop?” I ask.
“Don’t.” His voice is low, the sound going straight to my already heated core. “ Please. ” He watches me intently, his pupils so large I can barely see the amber I like so much anymore. He looks desperate. And I love it.
I continue my exploration until my hand reaches the column of his throat. The whimper that comes out of his chest threatens to make me come on the spot.
“Oh, baby,” I gently mock.
I might not have much experience but Nico wants me. I dip my eyes down to his crotch and the confirmation stares right back at me. He’s hard underneath the dark jeans. Liquid need fills my veins, more potent than any alcohol I’ve ever tasted.
With a hard shove against his throat, I press his body against the back of the chair and straddle him, lining myself against him. A needy sigh leaves my lips and Nico parts his as though he wants to swallow it.
“I trust you to tell me when it becomes too much, do you understand?” I ask, and Nico nods enthusiastically. The sensation of my smile is foreign but he’s so fucking hot when he can’t speak. “I need you to say it, baby.”
“Yes, Miss Marie. I’ll tell you when I need to stop. Can I touch you? Please ?”
Fuck . He begs so pretty.
I never thought I’d be into it. If I’m honest with myself, I never thought I’d be into any kind of sex. I’ve never found anyone attractive enough to want them, and I’ve always preferred to numb my feelings rather than explore them. Yet, right now, all I want is to stay stone cold sober so I can experience Nico’s sweet pleas over and over again.
“Yes, you can touch me, Nico.”
He doesn’t need to be told twice; his hands land on my thighs, roaming over the expansive flesh until they slow and creep towards my ass. Nico squeezes my curves and groans. It’s the hottest sound I’ve ever heard. The power it sends into my system is electric. It’s a shock. A high. It’s everything.
I place a hand on his shoulder while I keep the other at his throat where his heartbeat erratically thrums underneath my fingers.
“I love to feel your heart right here,” I tell him, my eyes oscillating between his throat, his lips and his eyes. “It reminds me how alive you are, and how you stood up for me. My heart was also beating so fast when you let me be part of tonight’s meeting. I’ve never felt so strong as when you stood at my back.”
The words pour out of me. I wouldn’t be able to remain silent if I tried. After bottling—literally—my feelings for so long, Nico shows up and all I can do is let them free. I might have known him for a short period of time but already, he’s a safe haven, a guardian of my untangled thoughts and hurt little heart.
He remains silent and licks his lips. I want to be the one to do that. “Have you ever kissed anyone, Nico?”
“No. I’ve never wanted anyone to touch me like this.”
I pause on my descent towards his lips.
“Me neither.”
I keep peering into his eyes unhurriedly. He’s meant to be savoured like the delicacy he is, every second to matter. When everything undoubtedly comes crashing down, I’ll have this precious moment to hold onto.
Nico shifts underneath me, his face strained. “I want you to kiss me. Please, Miss Marie. I feel like I’m gonna go mad if you don’t let me taste you.”
Jesus, I will never be able to resist him if he keeps saying ‘please’ like that .
His words ignite an inferno inside me, spreading from where his breath skims across my lips down to my throat and my stomach to settle deep into my core.
Pressing the side of his throat slightly, I let my mouth descend on his.
And the moment we touch, my world shifts.
Nico cradles my body deeper against his, my hands wander to clasp his shirt into a desperate grip. The metal of his bottom lip warms quickly between us as we press into each other harder. My soft mouth yields to his just as much as Nico gives himself to me.
I tilt my head and our angle changes. Instinct takes over, and I open my mouth to take my first real taste of Nico Capaldi. I sigh into his mouth as he opens for me, letting me control our rhythm with my tongue. We glide against each other, making me want him even more.
I’m barely conscious that I’m rolling my hips, searching for friction that won’t ever be enough as I devour him. Nico’s groans spur me on and I keep going, kissing his perfect lips like it won’t ever be enough. I’ve never felt such a rush before. Euphoria rises under my skin, going straight to my head.
The world around us vanishes and we lose each other into our kiss.
I come up for air for a second and open my eyes. Nico’s are already on me, pupils blown, his body trembling with restraint. My eyes dip to his lip and like I’ve wanted, I pull on it with my teeth until he bleeds.
I can only describe the sound that escapes from him as pure masculine need. Possessed, I lick his blood and he does it again, making me moan. “You like the pain?”
“Yes,” he breathes. “Hurt me.”
I kiss him harder, the copper taste of him hitting my tongue again in a flash. Before I can fully savour it, it’s gone. My body isn’t fully my own as I bite him again, until I can luxuriate in the tang of his blood. Tangling my tongue with his, we feed off each other again. Nico’s hands twist into my hair and press against my back to keep me nestled against him.
The world could be on fire and I wouldn’t care as long as I’d get to kiss him like this.
Urgency ebbs away but we don’t part for another long moment, our dance becoming one of simple enjoyment.
It hits me then, that neither of us ever kissed anyone before. Nico is twenty-six but he also doesn’t like anyone to touch him. This must be a lot for him. Hell, it was a lot for me. I fear I’m ruined for anyone else. How could anyone ever measure up to the feeling of Nico’s lips on mine, his body against mine, of the ownership he gave me over his entire being? Of the power and trust he confided in me when he allowed me to not only touch him but be so intimate?
The responsibility has me breaking away from him. We’re both breathing hard, and his eyes have a shine to them I’ve never seen. He’s breath-taking. I could look into them forever. But I don’t get to keep anyone.
“Are you okay?” I ask. “Tell me how you’re feeling.”
“I’ll never lie to you, Marie. It was a lot.” He swallows, then frowns. “I think I need to walk for a bit.”
My heart breaks a little, and my shoulders sag. They shouldn’t. It was only a kiss, it doesn’t mean anything.
I nod and move to step back but his hands clasp on my thighs above my jeans. “I’ve never kissed anyone before, Marie. It was… incredible. I’m not good with words but I want you to know it was everything I could have wished for. But now, I’m starting to itch and I need to… expel the energy, I guess. I’m also incredibly turned on and that usually only happens when I get physically hurt, and I don’t think I want to take it further right now.”
“That’s okay,” I tell him, putting a chirp to my tone that rings false even to my own ears. I have two miniatures left in my suitcase and they would be perfect right now to swallow the shame and rejection I feel. “What do you need from me?”
After a featherlight touch to my lips again, Nico braces his forehead against mine. “I need you to believe me when I say that I’ll be back for you. I just need time to process.”
“Of course.” I stand on wobbly legs, running my sweaty palms against my legs. I turn around to hide the tremble in my chin and the tears rising in my eyes. “Good night, Nico.”
Without waiting for an answer, I power-walk to my room and close the door behind me, crashing against it until I bury my face into my knees. How I went from the best night of my life to the most humiliating will remain one for the records. On hands and knees, I dive into my suitcase. I pull all the clothes in there. The underwear. A book I brought and never read. I unzip the inner lining but they’re not here. There’s nothing left hidden in there. When I hear the door, I race to the kitchen and pull all the cupboards and drawers open.
Still nothing.
Frustration tastes acrid at the back of my throat and I pull at my hair before I discard my clothes and let the covers on the bed swallow me, hoping the night will make me forget that I almost had something I wished for.
Lisa’s spectre watches me from the corner of the room and my throat clogs with fresh tears. My cheeks are wet with them in minutes while I sob silently, hoping I won’t wake Ember up. It’s not fair for her to wake up to the sound of my tears. Even if I get to raise her, I’ll lose her too. She’ll resent me for all the times I wasn’t enough.
And Nico? I haven’t even had him yet, but I’ll lose him too. It’s obvious I’m not worth his time or care.