27. Marie
27
MARIE
SOMETIMES, A MOTHER DOESN’T KNOW
I ’m having lunch downtown West Hill with Giulia and Catalina when my phone buzzes. I’m not quick enough to hide the caller ID and Giulia takes a peek before clicking her tongue.
“How many times has zia called you over the past six weeks?” she asks, and I know she’s well intentioned but the reproach in her voice is unmistakable.
“A few times a day. I texted her that I was okay,” I answer weakly.
The phone screen switches off again, a voicemail notification lightening it up a few seconds later. My mother has left me a message every single time she’s called. I haven’t listened to any of them. I wonder how many she can leave until my inbox says “full”. Guilt burns a path down my throat before considering leaving them unanswered forever.
“Giulia,” Catalina calls, pretending she didn’t hear everything my cousin just said to me. “I need to check a new set of jewellery before the charity gala at the hospital next weekend. I’d love your opinion. Marie, I can take Ember and give you some time alone.”
She smiles at me and it’s so genuine and devoid of expectation, tears fill my eyes.
“Of course, I’ll join you in a moment.”
Her hand lands on mine, a kind smile spreading on her elegant face. “Take your time, carina . You, Missie, are coming with me.”
Ember laughs freely as Catalina takes her into her arms and sets her on her chest with my sling. It’s the picture of grandmotherly love. Something I’ve refused my own mother ever since she was born, too afraid she would take Ember from me. It’s not guilt I taste in the back of my throat anymore. It’s shame. I’m such a waste of love. My mother doesn’t deserve how I’ve treated her.
When Giulia and Catalina disappear on the corner of the street, I pick up the phone and dial my mother’s number.
“ Picculina ,” my mother cries. “Oh baby, I’ve missed you so much. Are you okay? Is Ember okay?”
Of course, this would be about Ember.
“She’s okay, mum. I can take care of her.” My tone is petulant and dismissive. I want to fight. I want to push her away. There’s no point in delaying the inevitable. One day or another, my mother will notice the wrong twin died and she’ll hate me for it, if she doesn’t already. Angèle was right. I should spare myself the pain and the rejection and severe our connection already. God, I need a stiff drink. I need to burn that pain away with my favourite liquor. Now that both Giulia and Catalina are gone, it’s the perfect moment to shop for what I need most.
I barely hear my mother as my half-baked plan comes into fruition when I step foot into the small supermarket across the road from the cafe I was just seated at.
“You know, I think it’s time for you to come back home but if you prefer, we can also come visit the Capaldis. It’s been so long since your dad and I traveled. And with Lana at the head of the family, we have time.”
“Uh uh, I’ll just be another few weeks. It’s been good for me to be away from Kalliste for a little while,” I say as I scan the articles at the self checkout and pay for my vice.
“So, you’re coming back?” my mother asks and there’s no hiding the hope in her voice. The voice that used to bring me comfort and that turned into an accusation ever since Lisa died. Or at least that’s how it feels to me.
“When I’m ready, Mamma. I’m not ready yet.”
I don’t want to tell her that every single second in our house is a second closer to the death of my soul. That being away from where Lisa left me all alone to deal with the demons in my head has healed more in me than the years of therapy I’m sure my parents would have sent me to if only they knew the depths of my addiction. How do I tell my own mother that I can’t look at her without resenting her for trying to separate me from what gave me a new life?
“Okay, baby. Remember that a child needs stability. Do you have any plans for your future?”
And there it is again. I’m not jealous of my own daughter. Of course, my mother would have questions and concerns about her. But the pangs of sadness that takes hold of me sure feel like someone ripped my heart and stomped on it. My future is my child and I tell my mother as much before we quickly hang up. She doesn’t voice her disagreement but she doesn’t need to. She wanted more for me than the life of a mother. She wanted me to be more like Lana, and go to university and do something with my life. I know that’s why everyone has kept me away from mafia life and now I left them to live with the epitome of it.
I never thought I’d be a stay-at-home mum. I didn’t think I’d be a mum at all, but now that I’ve been living this life for a few weeks, I like it. It’s quiet and comfortable. I get to spend time outside, walking through a gloomy forest that appeals to me more than the Mediterranean landscapes does, if I’m being honest. I get to read and watch Ember grow. It’s all a privilege that I don’t want to squander by trying to be anything else.
And then, there’s Nico. My cheeks heat, images of what I did to him filling my mind until the ghost of his touch heats my blood.
I let out a umph as a strong shoulder bump into mine as I exit the supermarket with my new supplies of liquid shame inside my purse.
“I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you there,” the stranger says and when I lift my gaze, a familiar face stares back at me. “Oh hi. Marie, is it? You’re Giulia’s cousin? We briefly met the other night.”
“Yes. Hi. Luca, right? You’re Andrea’s lawyer?” I ask politely and he smiles awkwardly at me.
“That’s right. I was on my way to my office.” He points to the building across the street, then excuses himself and says goodbye before disappearing behind the revolving door.
Giulia explained that his new wife is her lawyer and I park the information inside my brain, in a neat little box called ‘just in case’.