44. Marie
44
MARIE
RAINBOW
Mimi, my dear sister, the true love of my life.
I hope I get to give you this at some point, or better yet, tell you all the reasons I love you endlessly. But if I don’t, it means I’m not here anymore.
I’m so sorry Mimi. I’m sorry I made you lie to everyone.
If I can’t give you this letter, well. I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry you have to grieve for me.
I’m sorry you have to raise Ember. But I also know you will be the best mother anyone could ever imagine.
Out of the two of us, you were always the best version. Steady, secure, I know you were hurting some times, too. But you held on, I know you did it for me. You gave me space to be wild, the safe haven to return to after chaotic days.
You will be an excellent mother. I couldn’t have chosen someone better to be Ember’s mamma. I’m also sorry I lied to you. I made arrangements in secrets so if anything happens to me, Ember will go to you. You’re the one I trust most. As much as I love every sister and mamma and babbu of course, I love you most. You’re my soulmate, half of me. The best part of me.
I hope you can forgive me. And forgive yourself.
Take care of Ember.
I love you.
Arcu di sera, tempu di spera.
O n the plane back home, I clutch Lisa’s letter to my chest, repeating the words I now know by heart. Fresh tears glide on my cheeks but I don’t swipe them away. My therapist told me that we all grieve differently and that it’s okay to re-read this letter. She drew the line at once a day, but in exchange, I get to keep the letter tucked into my wallet.
The first time I discovered it, it put me in a dark place. I cried myself to sleep in Nico’s arms. I shared the letter with my family and it did the same to them. But now, I also draw strength from it. On her death bed, Lisa trusted me, she believed in me. And wherever she is now, I know she’s watching with a smile.
“Thank God for silence,” Nico exclaims in an uncharacteristic show of false exasperation as we enter our house after ten days on Kalliste with my family. I know how much they can overwhelm him, but he seemed more at ease this time. I couldn’t keep my eyes off him during Ember’s birthday party. How he observed and smiled and simply took it all in.
I took the gift I have for him with me but there wasn’t any moment I could have given it to him. In the end, it felt wrong to do it under the sun of Kalliste and not the comfort of our home. That’s simply not who we are.
That evening, after putting Ember to sleep, Nico comes back to the living room looking so edible, I can’t wait any longer. He wears his classic dark sweats and a white tee that accentuates his lean muscles and black ink. The barbells on his nipples always show through the fabric and I’d be a liar if I said it leaves me indifferent. I love them and I love the reactions I get out of his body when I tug on them.
“Kneel,” I tell him immediately, eager and needy. He doesn’t hesitate and kneels at my feet, glancing up with adoration and lust mixing into a heady combo. “I have something for you.”
“Is it a new toy, Miss Marie?”
“No, it’s not a new toy, and just Marie will do, for now.”
His brow dips but he nods and I take the small square box from the pocket of my suit jacket I didn’t discard yet. I open it to reveal a thin chain of platinum ending on a platinum lock, the key attached to it. For now.
Nico’s mouth drops open, shock written across his face, before he sets his jaw and swallows thickly. He looks up at me, eyes brimming with a light mist. “May I?”
“Of course.”
He takes the collar from the box with such care, and it sends me back to the first time he held Ember. He’s soft with it, gliding his fingers along the chain before he rests the lock onto his open palm, caressing it with a light touch.
“Marie.” The way he breathes my name undoes me and I land on my knees in front of him.
“I was dead when you found me, Nico. Living death, and I know that’s what you saw in me. I don’t know who I would be if you hadn’t found me and offered me shelter, in your home and in your heart. You made me want to be a better person for myself and for my daughter. You gave me the courage to do something for myself first. I’m so grateful and so in love with you, Nico Capaldi. And I would be honoured to own you, fully. Body and soul. Now and forever.”
His deep honey eyes land on me, the full force of his attention as intoxicating as the first time.
“You already own me, Marie. I’ll wear your collar with pride. You are everything I want in a partner. You’ve never been afraid of me. You’re patient. Kind. Devoted. You taught me what it’s like to love, and you gave me a daughter. I’m forever yours.”
Then, he’s on me. His lips crash onto mine, fingers threading through my hair, the other hand that clasps the necklace is fisted behind my back and draws me closer. I’m not sure I own him at that moment, and I fully let go of any control. I delve my tongue into his mouth and he opens for me, letting me guide where we take this passion. I want to burrow so deep underneath his skin there won’t be a moment I’m not with him.
I consume his lips with mine, mould my body to his, grip his shirt so he can’t escape. Though he would never try. He tastes like hope and my solace. I breathe him in with every nip and lick, never letting up until I have to come up for air, panting.
“Let me own you,” I breathe and he hands me the warm jewellery.
My throat dries as I open the lock. The gentle click sends a shiver up my spine and when I look up at Nico, I know he felt it too. Gliding the metal around his throat, I adjust it so the lock falls perfectly under the hollow of his throat, just above the place where he inked my name. Before I close it into place, I take a few seconds to luxuriate in the view.
Nico is still kneeling dutifully, obedient and pliable, my collar about to close around his throat, never to be open again. The ‘r’ of my name peaks from underneath the collar of his tee-shirt and the entire picture is so alluring, so enticing, I grow slick in my panties. “You look so perfect,” I tell him.
“Please own me, Marie.”
With these three words and my name on his tongue like a sin waiting to be committed, I lock the collar and we shudder at the sound. A slow smile spreads across his lips and I can’t stop mine, my cheeks hurting from the happiness. Laughter bubbles in my throat and I let it out before I collapse into his waiting arms. Nico holds me tight, kissing my hair and neck, anywhere he can reach without letting go of me.
“What do we do with the key?” I ask.
Nico doesn’t answer but lets me go, standing and holding his hand for the key. I give it to him, curious what he will do. He opens the sliding door to the patio and strides across it, flinging his arm in the arm and throwing the key further than my eye can track. It lands somewhere in the field of Scottish Bluebells and with it being so small, I’m sure we won’t find it any time soon.
I join him on the wooden deck and link my arms across his stomach, resting my face on his back. My eyes close and I breathe in the smells of the summer in the forest. Pine and fresh dirt. My favourite.
Home.
“I love you,” I tell him.
Nico turns in my arms and shuffles with his pockets, then kisses my forehead, before dropping down… To only one knee this time.
“And I love you,” he says as he holds a black velvet box.
I slap my mouth shut with both hands to stifle my gasp when he opens it and I take in the beautiful ring inside. On a band of gold stands a stunning marquise cut smoky black diamond. It’s simple and elegant. I’m speechless as Nico glides the ring onto my finger.
“Be mine, Marie Capaldi.”
Words escape me and I nod, letting him swoop me bridal style and carry me to our bed where we spend our first night as future husband and wife.
As we fall asleep in each other’s arms, he absentmindedly caresses the tattoo on my collarbone while my hand rests on the bullet wound at his chest. With him at my side, I’ll weather any storm. He’s my rainbow.