Chapter 11 #2
“No you fucking can’t,” Saint growled, sitting forward and pinning the three of us with a look. “You cannot kill her. She will not die. Trust me.”
I shook my head at his bullshit. “Even if you could bring her back—”
“It’s not even about that.” He stood up and shook his head. “But what do I know about death? I mean, fuck, I clearly have no conception on how any of that works after a few thousand fucking millenniums of handling souls, so just fucking ignore me—”
“Already am.” Zain flashed a smile.
“Fuck you,” Saint offered, seeming amused at his sarcasm while walking towards where Blackwell and Damian stood, clearly over listening to our shit.
I didn’t blame him, but I also didn’t agree with him.
Even if he could bring her back, I could never forgive myself for hurting her like that.
Maybe the solution was to tell her how I felt, fully, and just explain that nothing could happen physically.
Right, because if by some divine intervention she felt the same and said so, I wouldn’t want to fucking attack her and put my marks all over her, stamping ownership.
The few times that she had told me she loved me, even in a way that I knew she meant fairly innocently, I had all but wanted to pin her against the closest surface and fuck her in just those sexy heels she wore constantly.
I had absolutely no idea why I found them so attractive, just that the image of her in only them and bent over was constantly on display in my head, causing my control to consistently weaken.
Maybe it was because they were just so completely her, and I loved everything about Arabella, without a doubt.
Amun looked over, offering me an arched brow as a rumble broke through my throat.
I should have killed him that first day. Why the hell did he think it was okay to be in her bedroom while we were gone? He was already a threat in terms of being a dangerous nightmare, but then to also include his obvious desire for Arabella?
I had been so fucking annoyed that we’d had to leave tonight. He could have done anything while we were gone. I knew Arabella could hold her own in most situations, but when it came to physical dominance, the woman wasn’t exactly prepared to go up against a nightmare.
The concept of any nightmare attacking her had me moving from the wall and crossing the space to go stand behind her. I didn’t touch her at first, but I did exhale in relief as she leaned back into me, my hand brushing over her waist. At least she would still let me touch her. That was something.
“Five. She is fucking five. This is insane,” Arabella seethed, my gaze following hers down to the small figure tucked into the white and blue medical bed.
She really was very young, even younger looking than five.
Her dark hair was matted with blood and dirt, and angry scars and cuts covered her body.
The healers had been able to correct the broken bones, but it hadn’t been without having to rebreak them since they had begun to heal in the wrong positions.
A massive scar that probably wasn’t ever going to disappear crossed along her neck and up to her jaw, thin and almost whip-like in nature, but angry enough that it was possible it had been done with a knife.
It was clear she had been there for some time, maybe even longer than our intel suggested.
Apparently she had been in MAM captivity for nearly six months but had only been transferred to this base in the past six weeks.
I wasn’t positive I believed that, because many of the scars on her skin seemed older than that.
Additionally, the files that we had been able to find on her showed extensive experimentation that the humans conducted without any end result.
None of them knew what type of terror she was, and while I could feel powerful magic coming off her, I wasn’t able to recognize it either.
It was one of the many reasons that she was currently wearing a small bracelet that would contain her magic if she woke up and freaked out defensively, attempting to destroy those around her.
Something none of us would blame her for, considering her experience with others.
It was also why Arabella needed to be available, because despite hating that she took a risk every time she interacted with a nightmare, no one could deny how much influence she had.
“We are going to keep her under for a bit until she heals so she doesn’t have to experience the pain,” the healer explained, not able to offer anything more than that.
I could tell James was upset, something about the entire situation clearly not sitting well with him, and I wasn’t positive that it was just finding a child nightmare being tortured.
Then again, the man was usually ten steps ahead of everyone, so he could already be far past this moment.
“Okay.” Arabella nodded and smoothed a hand over the girl’s hair.
I found myself wishing her hand was on me, but I knew that was selfish.
I didn’t deserve her soothing touch right now.
I’d had it many times in the past, and today I may have fucked up our relationship more than I knew even how to fix.
There had been only one other time that I remembered her being this directly upset with me.
“Razar.” Arabella’s voice was soft and filled with frustration.
I watched her, sitting with my elbows on my knees, as she paced her bedroom, ignoring the way I sat on her bed, wanting more than anything for her to join me.
I knew she wouldn’t, though. She was not only upset, but not understanding my need to keep her safe.
I didn’t know how to make myself any more clear to her. I understood why she was upset, but she didn’t… she didn’t get it. She didn’t understand why this was such a fucking problem for me, and there was no way I could describe it without sounding insane.
“I can’t do it, Arabella. Don’t make me.”
She looked at me with frustration. “So you want me to what? Just not help out?”
Didn’t she understand how much danger it put her in? How easily she could be hurt? I mean, fuck, she had only been on this planet for seventeen years, and she wanted to risk it to help some nightmares that I could give a fuck about in comparison to her.
“Of course not! Especially if they pose a threat to you,” I rumbled, feeling like I didn’t know how to handle this. I was stumbling blind when it came to her.
“I am not just going to sit around and do nothing.” She walked towards me, her eyes filling with understanding at my words. “I am sure there are ways we can convince my dad to make it safer, but I owe him and this place everything. I would have never even met you if it wasn’t for being left here.”
A sentiment we both shared.
My arms wrapped around her waist as I buried my head against her neck, loving how delicate and petite she felt against me. Unfortunately, my thoughts on what I wanted to do to her were far from innocent, as usual, and the more she touched me, the worse the thoughts became.
I wanted to give her everything. I wanted to protect her from everything. But I didn’t know how to do so without fucking this up somehow.
I let out a low rumble, realizing this wasn’t a fight I was going to win. I would just have to find a way to protect her better. I would have to be there with her every single day. She already trusted me; I would just have to do everything in my power to maintain that trust.
“Okay, but we talk to your dad about it,” I offered gruffly after a moment.
She let out a small squeal of excitement, pulling back before launching herself at me. I groaned as she rocked against me, her veil of pink hair covering us as she kissed my face and caused a growl to break out. She was gone though, up and walking towards her closet to grab a jacket.
I knew she was set on helping her father, and when she mentioned this plan a few weeks ago, I should have seen the writing on the wall.
Arabella had a talent at soothing those around her. It would be wrong for me to discourage her from doing something she enjoyed. I would just have to do whatever I could to make sure that she could do that safely and in peace.
I watched her with a bit of an obsessive fascination as she flitted around her room.
I don’t know why I ever bothered trying to deny her anything.
It didn’t help that I knew Arabella loved me back.
I questioned a lot about my life. Questioned how that was even possible in the first place when the people who brought me into this world abandoned me so carelessly.
But despite my questioning, she made it very clear that was the case.
Hell, she even had said it before, and I fucking ate that shit up, terrified to actually say it back because I didn’t just love Arabella.
It was so much more than that, and I knew she would be able to hear it in my voice if I said so.
Part of the reason my control had been so lacking tonight was because of how easily she had accepted my terror form.
Although that seemed like a shit excuse, but it was true.
She had surprised me. Without a second thought, she’d run her fingers along my skin affectionately, despite being quite literally most people’s worst fucking nightmare.
I had practically purred as she smoothed her soft fingers over my skin, and it had soothed a part of me that had been authentically worried about her seeing me like that.
Worried that she would view me differently.
I knew she had seen glimpses and felt me every night, but it was different in the light.
But she hadn’t been afraid, and that had inspired a hunger inside of me, wanting her to understand just how much that meant.
“I need to get some air.” Arabella let out an exhale and broke away from me, my urge to follow making me turn towards where she was taking her exit.
“We need to debrief about tonight.” Her father, and someone I considered the closest thing I’d had to a parent, reminded her quietly.
I knew he didn’t know what was going on with Arabella and me exactly, but I was positive he could tell she was upset. The woman was normally calm and collected, so when she did feel something, she didn’t hesitate to express it.
Unfortunately, I also knew that he relied on me to help in debriefing and anything else with the team since he was horrible with communication, so I would have to wait to chase after Arabella.
Hopefully, by the time I found her, she wouldn’t hate me even more.
“I’ll go,” Blackwell offered, turning to follow her before anyone could disagree.
I let out a small grunt and refocused back on the rest of the team that looked somewhat uncomfortable with Arabella’s obvious tense nature.
Her father was now talking quietly to the medical team, so when Damian asked his question, James didn’t hear it, thankfully.
I didn’t mind explaining to her father what was going on here, but we probably needed to talk to Arabella to figure that out in the first place.
“How did she come to that conclusion?” Damian asked, his voice exhausted as he rubbed his neck, where he had a grazing wound that he had managed to hide so far. I wondered briefly who had mentioned the situation to him, but knowing him, he had heard us clearly from across the room. Nosy fucker.
“That would be my fault,” Amun offered and winced. “I thought it was pretty obvious, but clearly I was wrong.”
Motherfucker.
Saint chuckled as I narrowed my eyes at the bastard. I think the only thing worse than Saint wanting to kill Amun was them getting along.
I let out a tired sigh and deflated slightly, trying to figure out a fucking way around this. Because everything told me that I was supposed to be with Arabella. I refused to accept that there were no goddamn options.