11. Welcome to the Firm （Terms and Conditions Apply）
11
Welcome to the Firm (Terms and Conditions Apply)
The Victorian building next to the park in the business district looked exactly like what you’d expect from a place in Amberford’s most expensive real estate: all red brick, ornate cornices, sparkling windows, and gleaming fixtures. You could almost smell the money in the air.
A large brass nameplate beside the impressive front doors read Hawthorne & Associates: Financial Services in elegant script.
What the nameplate didn’t mention was the smaller firm operating from inside it. The one with the innocuous sign reading Audit or Die just beneath it.
I stood on the sidewalk, staring at that sign while my blood pressure steadily rose.
“What’s the matter?” Bo asked warily.
“That’s the firm that audited my old work place,” I ground out.
“Oh,” Bo murmured awkwardly. He scratched his ear. “I guess that explains why Samuel looked weird when you mentioned you’d been fired.”
I scowled. It also explained the guilty expression he’d sported as he’d driven off hastily last night, like the hounds of Hell were on his wolfy tail.
A stylish woman in a designer suit gave Bo a strange look as she passed us. Not because he was talking, but because he was wearing a service dog vest.
“I still can’t believe you made me put this on,” Bo grumbled.
“Would you rather wait in the car? Or better still, spend a day with a stress-baking Ellie?”
“No!” Bo protested quickly. “She’s trying new recipes today. I don’t wanna be poisoned.” His tail drooped. “Still, this vest itches.”
“Consider it training.”
The woman reached the doors just as they opened from inside. A tall man with multiple piercings, vivid purple hair, and an expensive suit held it for her.
“Morning, Dave,” she greeted.
Dave nodded. “Morning, Janet.”
“You off to see a client?”
“Yeah. Count de Ville. He’s claiming fang replacement expenses. Fifth time this month.” Dave grimaced. “Watch out for Kevin. He’s on a rampage about someone stealing his lunch again.”
“That werewolf is an idiot,” Janet said succinctly. She vanished inside the building.
Dave glanced at me and Bo curiously as he headed down the road.
“Didn’t you work with a guy named Kevin?” Bo said.
Motion in an upper window caught my eye before I could answer. The morning sun danced off something beyond the glass. I squinted.
Whatever it was vanished from view.
Bo’s ears flattened. “Were those tentacles?”
I chewed my lip. So I wasn’t the only one who’d seen the tentacles. “It must be our imagination.” I took a deep breath, straightened my shoulders, and headed for the doors. “Okay. Let’s do this.”
Bo didn’t look convinced by my battle cry.
The inside of the building was all marble, potted plants, and strange smells. A security desk that looked like Fort Knox loomed at the far end of the lobby. A guard who could have doubled as a linebacker and a petite, mousy brunette sat behind it.
My steps echoed on the floor as I closed the distance to them, Bo’s nails clicking along in tandem. I was wearing my best suit and heels and had definitely not spent the better part of an hour changing outfits this morning or putting on a thin veneer of makeup that made me look like I was naturally pretty without trying.
The guard gave me a once-over as I approached, like I’d committed a crime by just walking into the building. I got a whiff of a faint sulfurous smell and was wondering who he reminded me of when his expression cooled.
“Dogs aren’t allowed in here.”
“He’s rude,” Bo huffed.
The guard blinked. “He’s a familiar?” The sulfur aroma got stronger. “He doesn’t smell like one.”
The receptionist was talking patiently to someone on the phone. “No, sir, we don’t provide pet insurance for krakens. We don’t deal in any pet insurance whatsoever. We’re a financial firm.”
I looked at Bo, certain I’d heard wrong.
He did a version of a doggy shrug. “Krakens are real. They said so on the Discovery Channel.”
I squinted. “Which Discovery Channel are you watching?”
“The supernatural one. It’s on channel 999.”
The guard was leveling a wary stare at Bo’s vest. “What services does he offer?”
“Sass and free belly rubs,” I said a smidgen darkly.
Bo grinned, tail thumping the floor.
The receptionist’s face had tightened. “I don’t care if your Uncle Norman thinks we provide pet insurance, sir. We do not.” A vein began throbbing in her temple.
The guard looked worried all of a sudden. “Hmm, Charlene, how about you calm down?”
Charlene ignored him. Her knuckles whitened on the phone handle and her expression turned glassy.
The guard dove under the desk and came up with what looked like industrial-grade ear protection.
“Here!” He tossed two sets of noise-canceling headphones at Bo and me. “Put these on! Now!” he said urgently.
I caught them reflexively, confused until I saw the way Charlene’s eyes were glowing with an otherworldly light.
Bo ducked behind me.
I stared in horrified fascination as the receptionist’s hair unwound itself from her top knot and began to lengthen, the tips turning silver as they levitated around her face.
“Sir,” Charlene ground into the receiver, her voice taking on an echoing quality that made the hairs on my neck rise. “For the last time, we do not?—”
Her mouth split to gargantuan proportions.
“ Put your headphones on! ” the guard yelled, already wearing his own pair.
I slipped my headphones on and barely got Bo’s on him before Charlene lost it completely.
Her shriek shattered every piece of glass in the lobby. The security desk cracked down the middle. Three ceramic planters exploded, showering dirt across the marble floor. Even with the ear protection, the sound made my teeth vibrate and Bo whimper.
The echoes finally died down. The security guard removed his headphones, his expression weary. I hesitated before slowly taking mine and Bo’s off.
Charlene looked mortified.
“I am so sorry,” she said in a normal voice. She hung up the phone. “That’s the fifth time this week someone’s called about kraken insurance.” Her hair was coiling back into a bun and her eyes had stopped glowing.
“It’s probably just a prank, Charlene.” The guard picked up another phone and dialed a number. “Hi, Janet? Yeah, we need someone from Risk Assessment down here. Charlene had another moment.” He paused. “No, no windows this time, just the glassware, some planters, and the desk. Thanks.”
Bo was staring wide-eyed at Charlene. “This is my first time seeing a real-life banshee.”
“Banshees exist?” I asked warily.
“It’s about time you came to terms with your supernatural life,” he huffed.
Charlene pretended she hadn’t heard any of this, cleared her throat, and pasted a professional smile across her face. “How may I help you?”
“I’m Abigail West. I’m here to see Samuel Haw?—”
A sudden change came over Charlene and the guard.
They stared at me with dawning awe and respect.
I looked over my shoulder just in case someone else had walked into the building. Like Pearl or Victoria.
Charlene beamed. “You are the new Hawthorne luna. Everyone is excited to meet you.”
The guard nodded shyly.
I wrinkled my brow. “Samuel told you guys about me?”
“Hugh Hawthorne did,” the guard said.
My mouth pressed to a thin line. Figures.
Bo looked at me. “Your future brother-in-law is a liability.”
“I’m Charlene Armstrong, reception and front desk security,” Charlene said. “I’m a banshee.”
“I’m Fred,” the guard said with a friendly nod. “I’m half demon.”
That explained the brimstone smell.
I was surprised that I was not more surprised by this. Maybe I was coming to terms with my weird new reality after all. Or maybe my sanity had fled the building.
I hesitated as I studied Fred. “Any relation to Ted, the security guy at Pennington & Graves?”
Fred blinked. “Good guess. He’s my cousin.”
Of course he was. “Is Ted also a?—?”
“Nope, he’s totally human,” Fred said cheerfully.
Charlene handed me a security pass. “Mr. Hawthorne is expecting you. Take the express elevator to the fifth floor.”
I stared at the pass. It already had my photo on it.
I sighed and headed in the direction Charlene had indicated with Bo, the receptionist’s and the guard’s stares boring into my neck.
“Bo?”
“Yeah?”
“Demons are real?”
“Yeah.”
I grimaced. “How?”
“Ouija boards and summoning circles, mostly,” Bo replied. “Humans do the craziest things.”
The express elevator was hidden behind a panel of Brazilian rosewood. I accessed it with the pass and stared at the flashy interior.
It was all chrome and gold.
The mirrors made me uncomfortably aware of how nervous I looked all of a sudden.
“You smell like daffodils and stress,” Bo commented as it rose smoothly.
“Thanks for that insight.”
He perked up. “Want to rub my belly?”
“No.”
The doors opened on the fifth floor. We stepped out of the elevator, stopped, and stared.
The scene in front of us could only be described as organized chaos.
The stylish woman in the designer suit we’d seen outside the building was cursing and chasing what appeared to be floating papers down a corridor, her polished look a thing of the past and her eyes glowing yellow. A man who looked suspiciously like Kevin from my old job was arguing with someone I couldn’t see inside a break room. The carriage of a vintage typewriter moved ponderously on a desk in the open office ahead, keys click-clacking slowly under the hands of a pale figure with sharp canines, a suit that looked like it belonged in a museum, and a two-finger typist attitude. A woman with a pointy hat scowled and muttered under her breath while she color-coded a file with vicious swipes of her highlighters, a slick broomstick that looked like it could break the speed of sound floating next to her. A guy with horns and smoke curling out of his nostrils was rearranging the tiny fire extinguishers on his desk while he spoke with someone on the phone, reptilian tail swinging slowly where it poked out of his trousers.
“This place is a supernatural zoo,” I said leadenly.
“Better get used to it,” Bo contributed unhelpfully.
“Welcome to Hawthorne & Associates,” someone drawled to my right.
I turned to find Hugh looking surprisingly professional in a suit.
“You work here?” I asked incredulously.
“Yeah.” He grinned. “When I’m not high on werewolf nip.”
A cold voice reached us then.
“I thought I told you not to come in today.”
Hugh stiffened and stared past my shoulder, his smile fading.