Chapter 16
After dinner was over, Alex asked Cryss and Qylar to get the kids ready for bed, leaving him and Kenji alone at the table.
“We haven’t shown you the balcony yet. The view from there is gorgeous,” Alex said. “How about we go sit and prop our feet up?”
“Okay,” Kenji answered, still struggling with his raging thoughts.
Once settled into two comfy chairs with their legs up, Kenji sat back and enjoyed the view. Alex hadn’t been wrong. They could see out far into the ocean—and on occasion, sea creatures that looked similar to whales and dolphins jumped out to make a splash under the two setting suns.
“Do you mind me asking some somewhat personal questions?” Kenji asked.
Alex nodded. “Why do you think I sent the guys away. I sensed you needed to talk.”
“That mindreading shit’s no joke.”
“Not mindreading. Sensing emotions,” Alex corrected.
“Right,” Kenji said.
“What would you like to talk about?”
The word mate kept being tossed around, and Kenji wanted to better understand it.
“Did you feel an almost instant connection to Cryss when you first met? Like… a deep, emotional bond that…” Kenji paused, not sure how to put it.
“Felt like you’re two powerful magnets on a collision course with one another?” Alex asked. “And you couldn’t avoid it, no matter how hard you’d try? If you wanted to try, of course.”
“Something like that.”
Alex chuckled. “Almost the minute we met. I knew we belonged together. I fought it at first because I didn’t understand it—but that bond is something wholly Nefyrian.
The connection they feel with their mate is sacred here.
Because of that, they accept it a little more easily, too.
I was human and had doubts. But it didn’t take long for those doubts to fade away.
” He snickered. “Don’t get me wrong, Cryss fought it a little, too, but nowhere near as much as I did.
And I think his fighting was rooted in fear I’d freak out when I learned he was an alien. ”
“How long before he made his mark on you?”
“You mean the imprint?”
“Yeah,” Kenji said.
Alex pushed up his sleeve, showing off a thick imprint similar to the one Kenji had made on Qylar, only the tentacles were much, much larger. “Cryss made this first one by accident. In his sleep. We hadn’t been together that long at all. Subconsciously, he knew we belonged together.”
Kenji eyed Alex.
“I know you’ve done the same to Qylar. Perhaps deep down, you know it, too.”
Kenji nodded. “Perhaps.”
Alex smiled and pushed back his other sleeve. “This one… was made as a conscious choice. A commitment to one another. In Nefyrian custom, having both means we’re bonded for life.”
“I’ve marked Qylar, but he hasn’t marked me. Before dinner, I asked him if he ever would—and he stiffened up. I felt… rejected.”
“Qylar’s spent a lifetime telling himself he’d never have a mate.” Alex glanced at Kenji. “He believed that down to his bones. I could see that interfering. Making him hesitate.” Alex searched his face. “Do you want him to mark you?”
Yes. “I don’t know.”
A slow smile crossed Alex’s face. “Yes, you do.”
Kenji’s face warmed. “Yes. I do.”
“Then tell him that. Don’t ask him when he’s going to get around to it, shove your arm in his face and tell him to get on with it.”
“I’ll think about that,” Kenji said.
Alex sat up, cringing, his hand going to his stomach. His stomach stretched out a little farther before returning to the size it had been.
Kenji swung his legs over to the side, ready to jump into action. “Are you okay?”
Alex lifted a finger to Kenji. He drew in a deep, slow breath and pushed it out just as slowly before sitting back again.
“I’m okay,” Alex said. “The baby finally turned.”
“Turned?”
“It’s when they move into the headfirst position, before birth. They basically do a somersault in your belly. And this kiddo was late doing it, so he’s a bit bigger than the last two.”
“Shit,” Kenji muttered, wide-eyed.
Alex drew in another deep breath and released it. “I get dizzy and a bit nauseous when it happens, but it passes after a couple of minutes.”
“Does this mean you’re close to giving birth?”
“I’m not due for a few more weeks, but who knows?
Zaadi turned earlier than the other two, and I had almost two full months before she was born.
Aeloran arrived a week after he turned, but he was also a bit of a preemie.
” Alex chuckled. “So, a week to two months is my best guess. It better be sooner.”
“I think I’d want to avoid the pain for as long as possible,” Kenji said.
“I’m ready to have my body back,” Alex said. He smiled. “And to see their little face.”
“Did it hurt more or less than you thought it would?”
“I won’t lie—childbirth is the worst pain I’ve ever experienced,” Alex said.
Kenji cringed. “That doesn’t sell it very well.”
“That pain gave me my greatest joys, too. You can’t really understand parenthood until you hold your baby in your arms the first time and suddenly you have this little life that’s more important than your own.
” Alex smiled. “I’ve gotten a chance to live again through them.
I see the universe and its wonders through their eyes.
There are times it’s felt like I’m experiencing something for the first time, too, because of them.
Awe in the simple things I’ve taken for granted most of my life.
” Alex’s eyes shone with tears. “They are my heart and soul… with Cryss’s smile. ”
“I wish I’d had a parent like you,” Kenji whispered, holding back tears of his own. “Instead of what I got. I spent my young life bouncing between foster homes and centers.”
“I’m so sorry,” Alex said. “I didn’t know.”
“If she’d realized she wasn’t in any condition to have a kid, she should’ve made the same decision I am.”
“Do you fear repeating her mistakes with your own children?”
Kenji’s gaze whipped to Alex’s. “I suppose.”
Was that why he feared having Qylar’s eggs? Fear of not being able to be there for his kids—just as his mom hadn’t been there for him?
“My mom’s nowhere near perfect,” Alex said. “We’ve had our ins and outs over the years, mostly due to her lackluster support of my homosexuality when I was growing up. One of my biggest fears is unconsciously turning into her and hurting them like she hurt me.”
Kenji winced. “I can understand that fear.”
“But then I remind myself that I already know exactly what not to do thanks to her,” Alex said. “When I face big things with them, I’m going to imagine how she might’ve responded—and then do the exact opposite.”
Kenji laughed. “That’s a good plan.”
“We can use our pain to prevent it in others instead of letting the cycle repeat. It just needs to be a conscious choice to try and be better every day. I’ve committed myself to trying.
” Alex chuckled. “And I remind myself that I’m not perfect either.
I’m going to fuck up on occasion—and as long as I own up to it and apologize, I deserve a little grace. ”
“But what if we fuck up too many times, no matter how hard we try? I’ve never really had a mom or dad, only a series of people who did the bare minimum for the paycheck. It’s one thing to try and be better, but when you’re starting from the basement, your best still might not be enough.”
“For some, it can be instinctual. Like Qylar. His parents were monsters yet look at him with Ael and Zaadi. They’re not even his and he treats them like gold. When he gets his own? They’ll get even better.”
“And what if it isn’t instinctual? What if he’s the perfect parent and I’m the shit one?”
“I sense that won’t happen,” Alex said. “Now that you’re living next door, you’ll soon have three little ones to practice with.
After a while maybe that’ll make you more confident and help you decide when you might be ready to start a family.
Or not. Not everyone in the world wants to be a parent.
Choosing not to have kids is as valid a choice as any other. ”
“But Qylar wants children. It wouldn’t be fair for him to stick around if I didn’t want to have any.”
Alex sighed softly. “That’s a decision you’ll have to decide together. After you’ve had time to think about it.”
Kenji drew in a deep breath and released it. A calm, comfortable breeze off the ocean ruffled his hair.
“I don’t know if I want to go to the appointment tomorrow,” Kenji said after a few seconds of sitting in silence.
Alex met his gaze but didn’t say anything.
“There’s this voice inside my head saying to keep the pregnancy, but I don’t know if it’s because Qylar wants it so much—or I want it.”
“Have you told him this?” Alex asked.
“I asked him if I was making the right decision. He told me he couldn’t make it for me. Only I knew what was right for me. The problem is, I don’t know what’s right.”
Alex stared out into the ocean for a few seconds before turning back to Kenji.
“He’s right, though. You’re the only one who can decide, Kenji.
Either choice you make, I know Qylar will be there to support you in every way he can.
We will, too. I know you’ve just met Cryss and I—and that might not mean much now—but whatever you need, Kenji.
I’ll even go with you tomorrow and hold your hand if you want the extra company. ”
“Thank you,” Kenji said, fighting back the sting of tears.
“Just let me know in enough time that I can waddle there,” Alex whispered.
Kenji chuckled, wiping away a little bit of moisture that escaped under his eye. “If you don’t mind, I’m going to go find Qylar.”
“Not at all.”
Kenji swung his legs around. “Do you want help? I don’t want to leave you someplace where you can’t get up.”
“I’m good right here for now, but if you don’t mind letting Cryss know where I am?”
“Will do,” Kenji said. “And thanks again.”
“No problem,” Alex replied, smiling warmly. “Just be honest with Q, hmm? Don’t hold back something because you’re scared to say it. This is too important to hold stuff back.”
Kenji nodded. “Yeah. You’re right.”
Alex grasped his hand. “Good luck.”