Chapter 5
Nine years old.
“Should we watch Beauty and the Beast or Cinderella?” I ask my friends.
“Definitely Beauty and the Beast.” Sophie’s voice is sure and confident in her decision. “I love Belle!”
Everyone says, “Yes!” in unison.
It’s my birthday, and I really wanted to have a sleepover and movie night with my closest friends.
We started the evening off by eating pizza and drinking chocolate milk. Once we finished eating, we played Uno, and then Mom brought out the cake.
Mom owns a bakery and bakes the best cakes! The chocolate with strawberry filled cake had pink frosting with purple and blue pansy flowers decorated on it. Pansies are my favorite flowers because they have cute little faces on them.
Next, I opened up presents from my friends.
Liv gave me some barrettes and a makeup kit; Sophie and Kristen gave me Barbies; and Sam gave me this cool keychain with a cat on it.
He’s called me Kitty Kat for as long as I can remember.
Ethan gave me some X-Men comic books, and my parents gave me a new bike that I can’t wait to try out.
After we finished our cake, we all helped my parents clean up and then went up to the third floor to watch movies.
Sam and Ethan went to Ethan’s room and stayed there the rest of the night. I guess they are too cool to hang out with “a bunch of girls.” Whatever, it’s better this way.
Settling into the loft between Ethan’s and my rooms, I see that Mom made each of us a movie tray with a bowl of popcorn and a box of our favorite candy. Liv and I both have red licorice; Sophie has Skittles; and Kristen has M I’m back to staring at his muscular arms.
It takes me a moment to remember the text I sent him before I drove to Charleston.
Yesterday seems like a lifetime ago.
“I’m so sorry, Kat.” I finally look at his face again. He takes a step forward but stops when I take a step back.
It isn’t that I don’t want him to be near me—quite the opposite. No matter how much time has passed, I can’t stop thinking about Sam. I can’t seem to stop pining after him.
It’s better that I just stay away.
“I… I forgot I messaged you.” I rub my eyes in an attempt to stop the tears I feel prickling at the corners.
He runs a hand across his face like he’s trying to wipe away this situation. I wish it worked that easily. “My flight landed a couple of hours ago, and my dad asked if I could help out here. He’s helping your parents with…” Sam clears his throat, “the arrangements.”
I wince at his words. We aren’t all here to set up another one of my parents’ parties. I follow the movement of his hand as he drags it through his hair. He used to do this when he was nervous, and I briefly wonder if the gesture still means the same thing to him now.
Sam clears his throat again and looks around the room.
“I saw your mom downstairs, and she asked if I would check on you. I went to your room first. You weren’t there.
” He looks a little sheepish. “I haven’t been in Ethan’s room in a while and thought I would take a look before heading back downstairs. ” He shrugs, like that explains it.
Turning toward the bed, I fold the gray fuzzy blanket someone covered me with and place it at the foot of the bed. “How long are you in town for?” I try to speak evenly, but even I can tell my voice is shaky. I hate asking this, but I need to know the answer. How long do I have to navigate him?
“I’m not sure yet. A week, probably.” Turning back toward him, I look at him; his gaze burns into me.
All of a sudden, the emotions coursing through me are too much, and I feel my heart breaking. Not just for the loss of my brother, but also the loss of this man I’ve loved almost my entire life, standing in front of me.
“I can’t believe he’s gone.” My voice is no louder than a whisper.
Sam drops his arms to his sides and steps toward me again, hesitant at first. I don’t move and don’t remove my gaze from him, hoping he comes closer but trying to will him to stay where he is.
As much as I know I need to keep my distance from Sam, I don’t think I have the strength to deny his comfort right now.
When I don’t move away from him again, he quickly closes the gap and wraps me in his arms.
Sam is several inches taller than me, the same height as Ethan. I feel him trying to take the pain away with his contact alone, and I can’t stop my body from melting into his embrace. He feels warm, strong, and comfortable.
“Me too, Kat. Me too." His tone is choked with emotion.
I want to stay with him like this forever.
The smell of his cologne hits me; it’s the same one he always wore, a little like pines and the salty sea air. It takes all my strength not to bury my face in his chest so I can soak up his scent.
But I can’t stay here. I can’t let myself fall back into his orbit, pining after someone I can’t have. It would crush me. Again. And this time, I don’t think I would survive it.
Slowly, I pull away and wipe the remaining tears from my cheeks. Glancing at his shirt, I see I’ve left it wet with tear stains. “Sorry for ruining your shirt.” I offer a small smile, embarrassed, before stepping away fully. He looks down, smiles, and responds with a shrug.
“He used to love that jacket.” Sam reaches out and pulls lightly on one edge of the jacket I’m still wearing.
“I never told you this, but I was always grateful that you and your parents were there to support Ethan and me at our track meets. Dad couldn’t always be there, but I knew I would find you in the crowd and knew you would be cheering me on.
” He shifts his focus down to his hands, “Thanks for that.”
God, I used to love watching Ethan glide over the hurdles. Given his height, I never understood how he looked so graceful. But there he was, always at the front of the pack.
They made it to Districts in their freshman year and went on to State every year after that. Track was the only sport Ethan participated in, and he loved every minute of it. He would work out during the off-season so he could “have the best season ever!”
When I started high school, Ethan tried to convince me to participate in track with him.
He never stopped trying to persuade me, even after he graduated.
Unlike Ethan, I didn’t play sports in high school—a decision I’ve never regretted.
I’m just not coordinated that way. I joined the high school choir instead.
Did I say I love you?
“I loved watching you both compete. I was sad when you decided to stop pole vaulting after freshman year. You were so good at it. I never understood why you hated it so much.”
A shrug is his only response. I don’t push him to say more.
Sam and Ethan both tried each event out that first year.
After that, they both chose to participate in a couple of events.
Sam chose the long-distance running events.
Ethan decided to continue hurdling and sprints, leaving behind the field events altogether.
I’m feeling awkward and don’t want to be in this room with Sam anymore. It feels too small with him in it. Like I can’t breathe unless I am breathing him in. I don’t want to reminisce with him. I need to get away. “I'd better go get cleaned up. I guess I’ll see you downstairs.”
“Ok. I’ll see you down there.” He looks like he wants to say more, but I avert my gaze and move towards the door before he can.
I can’t stop myself from looking over my shoulder at him. He’s watching me with an expression that I can’t place. His eyes have darkened—with longing?
Before I go down that rabbit hole with no return, I take off Ethan’s jacket, hang it on the hook by the door, and walk out of the room.
My legs feel like Jello but somehow, I keep myself upright as I make my way over to my room, quickly grabbing the bags I left at the top of the stairs last night.
Once in my room, I quietly shut my bedroom door behind me and lean against it, staring at the pink princess hat I got at Disneyland when I was a kid.
I stand there for several moments, just breathing.