Chapter 23
Once we get up to the loft, Sam looks around like he isn’t sure what to do. He watches me as I sit down on the couch, right in the middle. I pat the seat right next to me, and he slowly sits down.
I glare at the space he’s left between us. I’m not sure if this is because he doesn’t want to be that close to me or if it’s because he’s trying to be respectful.
“How am I supposed to cuddle with you when you’re sitting so far away?” I meant to say it in a flirty way, but it comes out wrong.
“You want to cuddle?”
Fuck, the look on his face breaks my heart. It’s the same look he got when he watched Ethan and Mom during small, intimate moments. Like when Mom would brush a stray hair out of Ethan’s face. Or when she would walk by and randomly squeeze Ethan’s shoulders.
Sam looks lost.
Starving for attention, he doesn’t know how to ask for.
Without hesitating, I scoot right next to him, lift his right arm, and put it around my shoulders. I shimmy next to him, getting as close as I can, and then lean my head against his chest.
I feel his body relax and his breathing even out. I love that his body reacts this way to me. It reminds me of the times we would snuggle up on one of our dorm room beds and watch movies together.
The memory makes me want to move away and protect myself, but I know he needs this. He needs human contact. A soft touch. We both do. So, I shove those feelings back down and try to think only of this moment.
Using the remote, I pull up our movie app and start scrolling through the digital movie list. “Action? Horror? Comedy? Roooomance?” I waggle my eyebrows at him. “What sounds good to you, Sammy?”
“I don’t care.” He shrugs and sounds defeated. “Something happy?” His voice is slightly brighter.
“Comedy it is.” I randomly choose an Adam Sandler movie from the list and press play. Before we get through the opening credits, Mom comes up the stairs and tells us they are going to dinner with Dan.
“Pizza?” I give Sam my best, "I’ve been a good girl and deserve pizza," look. Sam grants me a slight chuckle. It doesn’t reach his eyes, but it's progress.
“Only if we can get extra pepperoni.” He winks at me.
“You got it.” I pull out my phone and order from the website, choosing the delivery option. “I got a couple of Diet Cokes, too. It’ll be here in about 20 minutes.” I hear Sam’s stomach grumble. “Which sounds like it couldn’t come soon enough.” I elbow him lightly in the stomach and laugh.
We decide to wait until the pizza comes to start the movie so that we aren’t interrupted. I adjust my position so that I have one leg folded under me, slightly propped on his thigh, while the other dangles off the couch.
I turn towards him, searching his face. “Sam, I’m so incredibly grateful that you survived.
I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you. I’m sorry I was so stuck in my own feelings that I couldn’t stop and be your friend, not only when you needed me, but for all of the times in between and after.
” I look down at my hands in my lap. “I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could go back to that night and stop the words from exiting my mouth.”
He takes my chin in his long fingers and gently raises it, forcing me to look at him.
“Don’t ever apologize for speaking your feelings.
Don’t ever apologize for telling me you love, loved me.
” Oh Sam, I do love you. “I’ve cherished those words.
They’ve given me hope that someday you’ll forgive me and let me be back in your life.
Those words kept me going on some of my toughest days.
” He tightens his arm around my shoulder.
“Ok,” is all I say in response.
He leans into me until his mouth is only inches away from mine. His eyes search mine, and my breath catches at his proximity. I could lean in just a little, and our lips would be touching.
“I want to kiss you, Kat.” His eyes alight with playfulness. “Can I kiss you?”
A breathy “yes” is all that comes out before he closes the short distance, and his lips are on mine.
Oh my god!
Sam is kissing me.
The kiss starts out gentle, a caress. His lips are soft, just like I thought they would be. He swipes his tongue over my lips, and I open for him, allowing him to deepen our kiss.
I’m not sure which one of us turns the kiss frantic. But we can’t seem to get close enough to each other.
Like we’re both drowning, and the other is the air our lungs desperately crave.
I want to mold my body to his.
Sam’s hands are on my back, pulling me into him while my hands explore his neck before running through the soft strands of his hair.
I don’t realize I’ve climbed into his lap until I’m straddling him, his hands moving from my back to my hips. He shifts us onto the couch so that I’m lying down as his body presses gently against mine; his hands are on the couch above my head.
I feel his body press into mine, not enough that it becomes hard to breathe, but enough that I feel his rigid length through my leggings. I can’t stop my hips from moving, trying to create friction for my most sensitive parts.
He breaks our kiss and hisses, “Fuck.” Sam looks at me, eyes searching mine. “Kat,” he groans my name, “I want whatever you’re willing to give me. But I don’t want to do anything you’ll regret later. You set the pace here. You choose which pieces you let me have.”
His cautious gaze ignites something within me, and I grab his shirt in a fist and pull him back into me, crushing my lips to his. He moves his hips in time with mine; our movements create delicious friction, causing my core to tighten.
My hands run up and down his back in slow strokes. God, this feels so good.
I reach up and grab his left hand, placing it on my breast. He immediately starts massaging my breast before circling my nipple through my thin tank top and bra. He removes his mouth from mine and trails kisses along my neck and throat.
He grabs the top of my loose tank top, pulling down slightly, and looks at me, asking permission. With a quick nod of my head, he pulls my shirt and bra down, exposing my breasts.
He gives me a satisfied look before taking one nipple into his mouth. He sucks and nips in the most tantalizing way.
God, I think I’m going to come like this.
His hips continue moving with mine when I reach my hands down, gripping his toned ass, and pull his hips into me harder.
“Sam,” I moan. “Sam, I… I think I’m going to… fuck… I don’t want you to stop.” I can’t form the words as my brain short-circuits at the feeling of his body against mine.
He adjusts his position, creating space between us, and I groan at the loss. “Do you want to keep going like this, or do you want my fingers?” he says, breathily.
Not even a heartbeat later, I enthusiastically respond, “Fingers.”
He gives me a wicked grin and moves his hand into my leggings.
“No panties?” He looks at me in surprise.
I shake my head. “I don’t like them.” I let my knees fall open more, giving him better access.
“Fuck,” he groans as he crashes his mouth to mine, his thumb finding and circling my clit.
He slips one finger inside of me, and I moan at the contact.
He moves his finger in and out a couple of times before adding another, curling them to hit that perfect spot.
The tension continues to build in my core, and my body clenches. “That’s it, I want to see you come on my fingers,” he breathes into my neck.
He takes my nipple into his mouth again. The sensation of his fingers stroking in and out of me, his palm rubbing against my clit, and his very skilled tongue on my nipple has me writhing under him.
“Come for me, Kitty Kat.”
That stupid nickname is my undoing. My release barrels through me, and I call out his name; his mouth is on mine again, capturing my scream. He continues sliding his fingers inside of me, dragging out my orgasm.
Once I come down from my high, he drops his head to my shoulder. “That was….” I’m a little breathless. I chuckle slightly and move my hand to cup his length through his jeans.
He slowly lifts his head from my shoulder and smirks. He gives me a quick and chaste kiss. “I don’t expect anything, Kat. Watching you come undone at my touch, that was enough for me.”
I smile at him, grip his T-shirt, and start tugging at it so I can remove it. But he grips my hand and shakes his head.
He looks at me in horror, but it’s gone in a flash.
I don’t understand what just happened.
What did I do wrong?
I don’t get the chance to ask him because the doorbell rings, announcing the arrival of the pizza.
“I’ll get that,” he says too quickly as he kneels above me, creating distance between our bodies that I don’t want. He adjusts my bra and shirt, covering me, and leans over to place a soft kiss on my lips.
Without another word, Sam heads downstairs to greet the delivery person.
I don’t even know where to start with what just happened. I never meant to… I never meant for any of that to happen. But Sam, shit.
I can still taste his lips on mine. Feel his mouth on my nipples. God, I feel the ghost of his hands on me, in me.
But why did he stop me, and why did he look terrified?
I’m still in stunned silence when Sam comes back upstairs—pizza, plates, and our sodas in hand.
“You ok, Kat?” His voice is laced with concern.
“Sam, I… I don’t know what to say.” I feel embarrassment flush across my cheeks. Looking down at my hands, I start picking at one of my nails.
“Do you regret what just happened?” His question surprises me, and I look into his eyes. They are wide, and he seems nervous about my answer.
“No.” It comes out small. “Not at all. I—it’s just, you seemed upset when I was taking off your shirt. I don’t want you to feel like I took advantage of you.” I shrug.
He barks out a laugh. “You take advantage of me?” He sets the food on the coffee table in front of the couch.
He sobers as he sits next to me. “I meant it when I said I want whatever you are willing to give me.” He takes my face in both of his hands and places a gentle kiss on my lips. “Kat, I wasn’t upset with you.”
He runs his hand through his hair and looks towards the TV hanging on the wall. When he finally looks at me again, I see the vulnerability in his expression.
“I haven’t exactly shown anyone my scars. Ethan and my dad have seen them, and the doctors and nurses, and my tattoo artist.” He adds the last part almost as an afterthought. “But, that’s it.” He reaches for my hand, interlacing his fingers with mine.
No one else? No friends or girlfriends? The thought surprises me. That trip was years ago. But now that he mentions it, I don’t think I’ve seen him in a tank top recently, and certainly haven’t seen him without a shirt.
I look down at our interlocked fingers and I’m in awe at how strong this man is in front of me. And yet, he’s shown me so many pieces of himself over the last few days. Vulnerable and emotional pieces. It makes me love him even more.
The thought terrifies me.
Sam’s voice breaks through my thoughts. “So, I wasn’t upset. I guess I’m just nervous about it. I—” he takes in a long breath and blows it out, “I don’t want you to see my scars and pity me or turn away from me.”
I cup his cheek with my free hand; my heart warms as he leans into it. “Sam, I will not pity you or turn away. But I also won’t push you to do something you aren’t comfortable with. I’m here when you’re ready.”
He sighs and turns his head, placing a kiss on my palm.
I drop my hand to my lap and look down at our interlocked fingers again. “Do you, um… do you want to continue what we started? I promise to leave your shirt alone.”
I keep my gaze averted from his face. Not because I’m ashamed, but because I don’t want to see his expression if he rejects me. I couldn’t take it after what we just did.
He gently lifts my chin with his index finger and searches my eyes before speaking, “Don’t think for a second that I don’t want you.
I do. I want all of you. I want to take my time with you.
I want to taste every inch of you.” He runs his thumb along my lips before placing his hand on the back of the couch.
“I don’t want to fuck this up again. So, I want to go slow, if that’s ok with you. ”
I give him a slight nod in agreement.
“Next time, Kitty Kat, I’m going to take my time memorizing every curve of your body.” He kisses me softly. “For now, let’s eat and watch that movie. You owe me some cuddling time.”