Epilogue
Three Years Later
Sam –
Ihaven’t been able to sleep all night. Instead, I’ve been staring at my gorgeous wife and our adorable son.
He’s perfect—ten fingers, ten toes, and a head full of blonde hair.
When the nurses offered to take him for the night, I insisted that he needed to sleep with me. So here I am, sitting on this god-awful hospital chair, with this perfect, tiny human on my chest.
Despite the uncomfortable seating options, I can’t resist smiling at my baby boy.
A few weeks ago, I read that newborns like to be skin-to-skin. Kat laughed when I tugged my shirt off earlier, but he seemed pretty comfortable to me, so we spent almost the entire night with his tiny bare body against my naked chest—a blanket covering his back, so he doesn’t get cold.
I finally put my shirt back on and put on his blue and white checkered sleeper onesie when the temperature in the room dropped.
I don’t hold back my smile as I look over at Kat, fast asleep. Watching her bring our son into this world was the most fascinating and terrifying experience. I wanted to take her pain away. But she’s strong. Never gives up.
And I still can’t believe she’s mine.
It took us a long time to reach this point. I know what my life was like without her, and it isn’t something I want to experience ever again.
My son stirs in my arms; I want Kat to keep resting, so I stand up and walk out of the room, quietly closing the door behind me.
I walk the hallways with my perfect boy in my arms, memories of the last couple of years with Kat drifting through my mind.
We still live in the same condo, but I’ve spent the last couple of months turning the spare room into a nursery.
I painted the walls green, and once the paint was dry and the fumes were aired out, Kat put up large dinosaur stickers on the walls as I assembled baby furniture and hung Ethan's skateboard on one wall.
I read that the paint fumes aren’t good for pregnancy, so I wouldn’t let her into the room until I knew enough time had passed. Kat was mad at me, especially toward the end. But there was no way I was putting her or our child at risk. I eased the tension with foot rubs and midnight ice cream runs.
I lean my head down and place a soft kiss on my son's tiny head, breathing in his baby scent. Choosing his name was one of the fastest agreements we’ve ever had.
I just wish his namesake were here.
Fuck, I miss him.
I never imagined walking down the aisle without my best friend, my brother, in many ways. I always pictured him standing by my side, waiting with me, encouraging me through it all.
It was hard on Kat, too.
A couple of days before the wedding, she had a major meltdown. She drove to Columbia without telling anyone. I kept calling her, but she wouldn’t answer. Finally, Talia called to tell me Kat was safe and sleeping at their place.
Kat called me an hour later, apologizing for leaving like she did. I wasn’t mad that she left. I know there are times she just needs her best friend. Losing Ethan has been one of the hardest things we’ve been through.
We got married a little over two years ago. Our friends thought we were crazy for wanting to get married only six months after I asked her to be my wife. But we had spent enough time apart that we didn’t want to delay.
As an early wedding gift to Kat, I finally relented and showed her a picture of my I’m a Slave 4 U Britney Spears costume—I wore tiny shorts, a pushup bra, and even had a yellow rubber python around my neck. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her laugh so hard.
I can still vividly picture that day—me standing at the end of the aisle waiting for her. I was so anxious. I wasn't worried about getting married. No, I was concerned that Kat might change her mind.
It feels ridiculous now to think back and remember being nervous. Of course, she wouldn’t change her mind. I smile at the memory.
I stood there fidgeting with my tuxedo coat, waiting for her. I kept looking at my groomsmen standing next to me and felt the gaping hole left by Ethan’s absence.
But I finally saw her, Kat’s dad walking with her, and my heart stopped.
I’ve always thought Kat was beautiful. But seeing her in her wedding dress? Fuck. She took my breath away.
Her dress was simple, with lace on the top and a flowing skirt.
Her hair was pulled back into a simple bun.
She didn’t wear a veil; instead, she had daisies intertwined in her hair.
I didn’t know she was going to do that, and when I saw her inclusion of my mom, it reminded me why I love Kat so much.
She slowly walked up the aisle towards me, and it took everything in me not to run to her, pick her up, and kiss her before the ceremony even started. But somehow, my feet stayed planted in place. My eyes never left her.
By the time we got to the reception hall, all I wanted to do was take my beautiful wife back to our hotel room. Instead, I stood in the reception line, greeting our guests, barely able to keep my eyes and hands off Kat.
I smile at the thought as I take baby Ethan’s tiny hand in mine, bring it to my mouth, and place a light kiss on it.
When everyone was finished eating dinner, it was time for our first dance. I was so nervous having everyone’s attention on me. “Just keep your eyes on mine, Sammy,” Kat said quietly to me as we walked onto the dance floor.
“That won’t be a problem, my love.” I took one of Kat’s hands in mine, placing the other on the small of her back.
I pulled her close to me and felt my body relax as she leaned into me, her head on my chest. “I love you more than words can describe,” I whispered into her hair.
“I will always love you, Sammy. She smiled up at me. That smile was all it took for me to forget that we were dancing in front of hundreds of people.
It was just the two of us as the room melted away.
“Is there something I can get you, Mr. Harris?” A nurse interrupts my thoughts.
“No,” I look down at Ethan in my arms and then back up to her, “we’re just going for a walk while my wife sleeps. Thank you.”
She nods to me in acknowledgment, and Ethan and I continue our slow walk.
With Ethan joining our little family, I couldn’t be happier. I was nervous when Kat said she wanted to try for a baby.
Of course, I was ecstatic about the trying part. But the baby part? I was terrified. Still am.
I’ve always known Kat would be a great mom. She’s compassionate and kind. She seems to always know what others need.
But me? Fuck, I’m terrified I won’t live up to Kat’s—really my—expectations of me. But I’ll do anything to make her, and this perfect boy in my arms, happy.
Ethan starts fussing, and I know I can’t delay any longer. “Ok, baby boy. Let’s go find Mama so you can eat.” I raise his tiny body up, kiss his head, and start walking in the opposite direction, back towards the room where we’re staying.
The only time I’ve left Kat’s side has been to take Ethan on walks so she can rest or to talk to the nurses if Kat or Ethan needed something.
Ethan’s been in either my arms or Kat’s since our parents left after visiting hours yesterday evening. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Putting him down and leaving him by himself is unfathomable to me—even if he’s in the same room. I know I’ll have to do it eventually, but that can wait.
As I walk back into the room, I see that Kat is awake.
“Hey, where’d you go?” She still looks tired, and I wish I could do anything to let her get more sleep.
The nurses coming in all throughout the night made it tough for her to rest while Ethan slept, and then, of course, she was up when Ethan needed to eat. I was, too. If Kat was awake, I would be too. I don’t want her to feel like she’s in this by herself.
“Hey, my love. We just went for a walk so you could rest. Isn’t that right, baby boy?” I say the last part to Ethan. “We were just coming back because little Ethan is getting hungry.”
Kat holds her arms out to me so she can take our son.
“Let me change his diaper first, and then he’ll be ready for you.” I make my way over to the changing table and get to work.
“You know you don’t have to change all of the diapers.”
I smile down at Ethan. “You carried him for nine months, and I can’t feed him; changing diapers is the least I can do, my love. Isn’t that right, baby boy? Mama can’t do all the work.” I coo at Ethan.
Kat chuckles behind me, and I can’t resist looking at her over my shoulder. She’s lying back on the hospital bed with her eyes closed. I wish I could take her home so she can rest more easily. Hopefully, a few more hours until the doctor gets in.
We could stay at the hospital for a couple of days, but Kat asked to be released as soon as possible.
I want to think it’s that she just wants the comfort of her own space, but part of me worries that she’s stressed out from the last time she was in a hospital—the night her brother, my best friend, died.
When Ethan is cleaned up, I walk slowly over to my stunning wife. I kiss my son’s head before gently transferring him to Kat’s waiting arms. She gets settled with him, and the sight of my beautiful wife and perfect son takes my breath away.
I didn’t know I could love this woman more, but seeing her with our son? I don’t doubt that my heart was the size of the Grinch’s before this.
A few months ago, I told my dad how nervous I was about being a dad. “I don’t know how to share my heart with him when Kat owns it,” I said to him.
“Son, it’s hard to describe, but that little boy will own your heart, too. There’s room for both of them.”
I couldn’t imagine it then, but he’s right. I would do anything for this little guy and the woman holding him.
I gently sit on the edge of Kat’s hospital bed, not wanting to be far from the two people who share my heart. Leaning over, I place a soft kiss on Kat’s forehead.
She looks up at me, her green eyes crinkling at the corners from her big smile. “He’s perfect, right? How did we make such a perfect baby?”
“My love, did you forget how we made him?” I laugh quietly. “I can remind you, if you need me to.” I beam at her, waiting for her response.
Her shoulders rise up and down as she laughs silently. “Sorry, Harris, you’ll have to wait several weeks before you can remind me.” Kat winks at me before kissing Ethan’s tiny hand.
I stand up, wanting to give Kat more room, and make my way back to the uncomfortable chair. I don’t want to be far from them, so I pick it up and move it right next to the bed.
Sitting down, I take Kat’s hand in mine and bring it to my lips. “All that means is that I have several weeks to think of how I’m going to make sure your legs are shaking by the time I’m through with you.” I wink at her and watch as the blush rises on her cheeks.
The sight is breathtaking.
“God, I love you,” she laughs out.
“I will always love you, Kat.” I kiss her hand again and lean back in the chair, watching my beautiful wife and our son.