8. Theo
Chapter 8
Theo
It was almost three in the morning when I came home.
Dead tired and buzzed on too much scotch, I walked into my bedroom and rubbed the corner of my eye, feeling the fatigue deep in the muscles of my face. My sleep schedule was all over the place. Sometimes I slept a couple hours during the day, and sometimes I slept the whole night with Astrid beside me. I was young enough to tolerate it, but in a couple years, that might not be true anymore.
I usually showered before bed, but I was too fucking tired tonight. I turned on the lamp on my nightstand and pulled my phone out of my pocket.
She shifted in the bed, the sound stirring her.
I watched her, not expecting her to be there, let alone in lingerie. The sheets were pulled up to her chest, showing the push-up bra that left little to the imagination. She probably tried to stay awake to surprise me when I came home, but once midnight rolled around, she was out like a light.
I took off my watch then undressed, leaving the clothes on the floor for my butler to deal with later. I pulled back the sheets to get into bed, and once my weight disturbed the pressure across the mattress, she woke up.
She blinked a couple times before she looked at me in bed beside her. Once the recognition hit, she gazed at me like I was her favorite person in the world. With affection that lit up every corner of the room. With an enthusiasm that didn’t need to be expressed in words. Astrid didn’t play games like most people. Couldn’t tell a lie to save her life. Wore her heart on her sleeve, when most people didn’t even have a heart. All qualities I loved about her. She had all the qualities of a woman…but the innocence of a child. “What—what time is it?”
“Three.”
She released a sigh. “I didn’t realize you would be home so late.”
“Could have asked.”
“I didn’t want to bother you at work.”
“You never bother me.” Her dark makeup was ruined and smeared on the pillow, but I loved the way it made her look. Like a real woman and not a fake doll. “I already said that.”
“I know, but I don’t want to start bothering you. ”
I wouldn’t mind seeing her messages on my phone. It didn’t matter the time or what I was doing. Even if she just wanted to tell me a joke, not that she ever made jokes. But I didn’t tell her that because she didn’t seem to believe me anyway.
“I hope it’s okay that I’m here.”
“You would already know if it wasn’t.” I circled her waist and brought her closer to me, hooking her leg over my hip and squeezing her ass with my hand.
Her eyes moved down to my chest, where she traced one of my tattoos with her finger. She had the plumpest lips, the kind that made women pump shit into their faces to achieve. Pronounced cheekbones. Bright eyes that were sometimes green and sometimes hazel. She was the same woman, but she changed right before my eyes, becoming more beautiful with every passing day. “You wanted to surprise me. So, surprise me.”
Her cheeks darkened as she blushed, her eyes dropping to my chest again. “Well, I was supposed to be on the bed when you walked inside.”
“Then get on the bed.”
“I was going to be on my hands and knees?—”
“Show me.”
Her confidence waned as her insecurities came to the surface. Maybe it was because her makeup was messed up or because her hair had flattened from sleeping for hours, but she showed the kind of hesitation she’d never had before. “I—I thought we could do that thing you like.”
“I like a lot of things, sweetheart.”
She still wouldn’t look at me. “When I first started coming over here, you said you were into something…something I’ve never done before.”
A flush ran straight through my body, a heat I hadn’t felt with another woman all my life. It was borderline desperate. My dick had been hard when I’d gotten into bed beside her, but now it was a metal pole. “You want me to fuck you in the ass, sweetheart?” My fingers went to her chin and forced her eyes to mine.
“I—I thought I could try it.”
“It’ll hurt,” I said honestly. “A lot. Until you get used to it.”
“I assumed…”
“I’ve wanted to fuck you in the ass since the moment you were in my study in that little pencil skirt.” Every time she turned around, my eyes went straight to her ass, which looked like a goddamn summer peach. Every time I grabbed it, I got hard. Every time I fucked her from behind, I wanted to slide my thumb inside. “But don’t do it for me. I’m very satisfied with what we have. There’s no obligation.”
“You don’t think I can handle it.”
“Most women can’t handle it—at least with me,” I said. “Which is why I usually have to pay for it.”
“Well, you don’t have to pay for it with me.”
That was sexy as hell, but I didn’t tell her that, not when it would make her feel obligated. “Like I said, I’m satisfied with what we have.”
“But I know you like this.”
“I’m a man, sweetheart. I like all sex.” I had more crass things to say, but I kept the locker-room talk to myself. “I can tell you feel obligated, and I don’t want you to feel obligated to do anything?—”
“Of course I feel obligated,” she said. “I want to be your woman.”
My eyes hadn’t strayed from hers, the two of us sharing a pillow, her thigh hiked over my hip. “You are my woman, sweetheart.” Maybe she thought I called all women sweetheart, but I didn’t. Never called anyone that in my life except her. I’d become monogamous without her asking. I had been faithful to her even when she’d gone home to her husband, before she left him. I didn’t know how it happened, how the fuck I got into the very position I didn’t want to be in, but I was here. I’d rather be a man and face it than run like a coward.
Affection burned bright like a forest fire in her eyes. I could see the way my words traveled from the surface of her eyes all the way down to her soul. She latched on to them, tucked them into her heart to keep forever. “Then I really want to do this with you—and not because I feel obligated.”
Aldo let me into the house and escorted me to the study. The room seemed empty, given its lack of use. Before Axel retired, he used to do his paperwork in here, have meetings. But now, it was just a room to drink and smoke.
I looked at one of the paintings on the way, probably something from the museum his family owned. For a man with such deep aristocratic ties to royal society, he didn’t seem to care about art or culture or wine…or whatever else snobs lived for.
That was probably why we got along so well.
Axel walked in a moment later, just in his sweatpants like he’d been in bed when Aldo notified him of my visit.
“It’s nine.”
He dropped into the armchair and poured a glass of scotch from the decanter that Aldo had placed on the coffee table. “I wasn’t sleeping, asshole.” He set the glass down on the table beside him. “What brings you here?”
“Do I need a reason?”
“You and Astrid were just here a couple days ago. Figured you’d be sick of me by now. Unless you’re here for my wife’s cooking?” He grabbed a cigar and lit up. “She made pot roast and rice pudding. That shit was good.”
“Do you ever think about anything else?”
“Besides food?” he asked. “Other than my wife’s tidbits and my children, no, not really.” He puffed on the cigar and leaned his head back as he enjoyed the smoke in his mouth. He held it there a long time before he let it out as a slow puff. “God, I miss these.”
“I don’t think I could give them up for anything.”
“When you have something to live for, you can.” He straightened his head again and let the cigar rest between his fingertips. “I heard Astrid told you she loves you.”
I wanted to sigh in annoyance, but I kept a straight face. “And where did you hear that?”
“Girls talk, man.”
“Are you a girl?”
“Asshole, why am I hearing about this from my wife instead of you?”
I grabbed my own cigar and lit up just to drain the clock. To find something to end this ridiculous conversation. “I’m not doing this.”
“Doing what?”
“This,” I grumbled. “I feel like two girls at brunch. ”
“Damn, I love brunch. You can have a burger and pancakes. It’s genius.”
I didn’t say a word, but my eyes did all the talking.
“Come on, Theo. You need to loosen up, man. I talked to you about Scarlett.”
“But not because I pulled it out of you.”
“Well, I think you need me to pull it out of you,” he snapped. “It’s not good to keep everything bottled up inside. You know what happens when you do? The cap pops off, and shit gets all over the walls.”
I let the cigar sit for a while, the smoke slowly drifting into my mouth.
“If you aren’t here to talk about that, then what are you here to talk about?”
“A favor.”
“You need a favor from me?” he asked. “Come on, man. You don’t even need to ask. What is it?”
“Well, I do need to ask…because it’s quite the favor.”
“There’s no favor too big, Theo.”
“You’re really digging yourself a hole here, Axel.”
“Shut up and tell me.”
I pulled the smoke into my mouth, let it swirl for a while, and then blew it out again. “I’m leaving tomorrow for Rome.”
He gave a slight nod in understanding. “You want me to come with you.”
“No.”
His eyes narrowed in surprise.
“I trust my guys as much as I can, but I’ll never trust them the way I trust you. There’s no real way to know if Bolton has gotten to some of them. Bribed them or inspired them to stage a coup so someone else can take my place. I don’t just pay my guys well, I give them a cut of the pie. That might encourage loyalty?—”
“Or greed.”
“Exactly.”
“Still not sure what that has to do with me.”
“I’ve given my men no warning this is happening. Was going to spring it on them tomorrow, so there’s less chance that Bolton will know about it. Astrid is safe in my villa, but she’s not invulnerable. Bolton has gotten in there before. No reason he can’t do it again.”
Axel gave another nod once he understood the request. “I understand now.”
“I would transfer her in secret. Wouldn’t even tell my butler she’s not at home. Anyone who wants her will assume that’s where she is. Since you’re retired and we rarely meet in public, this is the last place Bolton would look for her.”
He continued to stare at me, the cigar burning between his fingertips.
“You’re the only person I can trust not to double-cross me.” He wouldn’t blink over money. He wouldn’t want Astrid for himself. “And if something happens to me…I know you’ll be there.”
He stared at me so hard he didn’t even blink.
“You can say no, Axel. I would completely understand?—”
“Why didn’t you say it back?”
I stilled at the question, having no idea what he meant.
“She said she loved you, and you didn’t say it back. Why?”
“If you don’t want to do it, just say so. Don’t change the subject?—”
“It is the same subject,” he snapped. “Theo, you would never ask me to do something like this unless this woman meant the fucking world to you. She tells you she loves you, and you just sit there and say nothing back?” He stabbed his cigar into the ashtray to put out the flame. “You sound like a coward.”
I ground my teeth at the insult, dragging my fingers across my jawline as I paused to control my temper. “I’m not a coward?—”
“Then tell her.”
“Stay the fuck out of my relationship, Axel.”
“I told Scarlett I loved her. Said it to her face like a fucking man. Said it even when I knew she wouldn’t say it back. Astrid’s got bigger balls than you do.”
I’d never wanted to hit him before, but now, my knuckles wanted to knock his fucking teeth out. “You were divorced, Axel. Not widowed.”
“It was ten years ago?—”
“I’ll make sure to say the same to you when you watch Scarlett die,” I snapped. “When she’s bald and can’t get out of bed and she’s already so dead she barely looks alive. When you bury her, and the second you turn your goddamn back, the gravediggers show up and cover her in six feet of dirt when her coffin is still warm from the sun?—”
“Stop.” He abruptly left the couch and walked to the window, turning his back on me as he crossed his arms over his chest.
“It stops for you, but it never stops for me.” I got to my feet, too angry to sit still. “Don’t tell me ten years has been long enough to get over it when you don’t get over shit like that. I’ve shot men between the eyes and stuffed them in oil drums, but she was innocent…and good…and she didn’t fucking deserve that.” I smashed my cigar into the ashtray before I stormed out, eager to get the fuck out of that house and back to the garage. Losing my wife had been harder than losing Killian, not because I loved her more, but because I didn’t have to watch him die. I didn’t have to see it…listen to it…and want it to be over just so I didn’t have to suffer anymore, even though I wasn’t the one who’d had to die.
“Theo.”
I crossed the foyer and reached the elevator before I smashed my finger into the button so hard I almost snapped it in half.
“Theo.”
I kept my back to him and waited for the elevator. I didn’t know why it wasn’t on my floor since I’d just gotten out of it twenty minutes ago.
“I’m sorry?—”
“I need to be brave?” I spun around and faced him, not the least bit deterred by the remorse in his eyes. “I watched the woman I loved turn to fucking bones right before my eyes. Held her fucking hand and brought her flowers and talked to her like we had the rest of our lives, even when we only had days. But I’m a coward?” I didn’t feel the tears until they were heavy, until they overflowed like a river and streaked down my cheeks. Then I slammed both hands into my chest. “But I’m a fucking coward?”
He held my stare with growing remorse, his blue eyes the most vulnerable I’d ever seen them. “I—I didn’t know you were carrying all of this?— ”
“Because you don’t have a clue what I lost. Be grateful every fucking day that you don’t, asshole.” I sniffed and quickly wiped away the tears, bringing myself back to calm within my next breath.
“I am.” He spoke with a quiet voice. “You know I’ll protect Astrid with my life, Theo. Maybe you aren’t ready to say it, but I know how you feel about her.” His eyes shifted back and forth between mine. “I know she’ll wait forever to hear you say it back.”
I turned back to the elevator because the doors finally opened. “Do me a favor and keep this to yourself. If you’re fucking capable of that.” I stepped into the elevator and hit the button again, desperate to get the fuck out of there.
Axel put his hand on the door to stop it from closing.
“Axel, I’ve never hit you before, so don’t make me start now.”
His arm stayed on the door, and he stared me down.
“I mean it.”
He finally released the door and stepped back.
The doors shut, and the elevator began its slow descent to the garage. I focused on the metal door before I slammed my fist into it and dented it right in the center.
I was the only one in the Underground .
The last bartender had tried to fuck me before she left, as if pussy would cure the blues.
I ignored her and poured my own drinks. Didn’t realize the time until Astrid texted me. Are you okay? It was almost eleven in the morning. I’d been out all night and had no idea the day had already started because there were no windows down here.
I didn’t go home because I didn’t want to deal with her.
I didn’t want to deal with her now.
I ignored her, my mind fuzzy from the lack of sleep and the quantity of booze. I’d been awake for over a day, and I’d probably collapse on the bar top at some point.
She called me next.
I ignored it. I felt like an asshole for doing it, but I knew she was okay. It was in her best interest not to talk to me because I would just ruin her whole fucking day. Would say shit I didn’t mean. Sabotage the first good thing I’d had in my life for a long time.
Minutes passed, and my phone was quiet.
Then I get a text from Axel. Call Astrid.
I sighed in annoyance, irritated that she’d run to Scarlett in a panic.
And tell me you’re alright.
Fuck off.
Thank you.
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly before I texted Astrid. I’ll be home in a couple hours.
Her dots immediately appeared. You’re okay?
Yes . Now leave me the fuck alone.
She must have sensed my mood even over text because she didn’t message me again.
I couldn’t drive, and I couldn’t ask my guys for help. Looking weak in front of the men who followed my lead was career suicide. I finally left the Underground before the others started to arrive again. Went through the door of the restaurant, and all the workers stopped what they were doing to stare. They’d never seen the door open before because it was locked during business hours. And I’d been there before the manager unlocked the restaurant doors, so they must have realized I’d been there for hours. “Carry on.”
I left the restaurant and walked to my Range Rover parked on the street.
Axel was leaning against the door, sunglasses on the bridge of his nose, arms crossed over his chest. “Thought you might need a ride, like last time. ”
I wanted to punch him in the jaw, but I was too drunk to swing. “I can get a lift, asshole.”
“Then you’ll have to come back and get your car?—”
“That’s my butler’s problem, not mine.” I pulled out my phone to order a ride, but I’d been out so long that my phone was practically dead. Probably wouldn’t even last the ride home.
“Come on.” I was close enough for him to unlock the car by gripping the handle. He opened the passenger door like some kind of chauffeur.
“You’re the last person I want to talk to right now.”
“Then we don’t have to talk. Just let me get you home.”
“Deal.” I got into the passenger seat and yanked the door out of his hand to slam it shut.
Axel got behind the wheel and began the drive home, the sun dead center in the sky because it was high noon. He didn’t say a word as he drove through traffic. Didn’t make small talk when we stopped at the red lights. Kept his word and didn’t ambush me with a conversation I wasn’t ready to have.
Fuck, I was so drunk. My vision was blurred, and I could barely think straight. If someone came at me in that moment, I wasn’t sure if I could even aim my gun at their head. I’d just waste bullets missing my target .
It took forever to get home. Axel pulled through the gates onto my property and parked the Range Rover next to Astrid’s car.
“You need help?—”
“Fuck off.” I got out of the passenger side and slammed the door shut before I walked to the side door. The world was spinning, and a migraine was coming. I should probably go to the hospital and get my stomach pumped, but I was too proud for that.
I’d rather die.
Axel followed me inside.
“What the fuck are you doing?” I turned back around.
“Your butler is like a million years old, and Astrid weighs a hundred pounds?—”
“You aren’t welcome in my house. Now, get out.”
“Just let me get you upstairs?—”
“Fuck. Off.” I turned to the staircase and stilled when I saw Astrid on the bottom step, her expression timid like she knew she’d walked into something she shouldn’t have.
I ignored her and walked past her, gripping the banister for the first time ever and making my way upstairs. I was sick, so sick I’d probably hurl the second I arrived in my bedroom. My body was pure strength and muscle, but I’d never felt so weak .
Astrid’s voice was quiet down below. “What’s going on?”
“Theo and I…had an argument.”
“Is he okay?”
“He’s fine,” Axel said quickly. “Give him some space until tomorrow.”
“What happened?”
Axel was quiet for a long time. “I was an insensitive jerk and said some shit I shouldn’t have.”
“Oh.”
“Text me when he’s doing better. I’ll come by to talk to him.”
“Okay. Thanks for bringing him home.”
“I always have his back.”
I felt like shit when I woke up the next morning.
But at least I felt like me.
When I looked at my phone, I saw dozens of messages I’d missed because I’d been knocked out cold for almost an entire day. There were even more missed calls from my guys because they were afraid I was dead.
I showered then sent off quick messages to everyone to let them know I was alive and well.
Well, alive at least…
A message from Astrid popped up on my phone, like she could somehow hear me move around through the walls. Are you awake?
It was one of the rare days when I ditched my daily gym session. Didn’t have the discipline for it today. Yes .
Her dots were instant. Can I come see you?
I appreciated that she asked instead of barging inside. I wasn’t in the mood to talk or explain what happened, but I couldn’t avoid the situation. Yes . I tossed the phone aside then looked at myself in the mirror, seeing how thin I looked after skipping protein and liquids for an entire day. My muscles weren’t swollen like usual. If I stepped on a scale right now, I’d probably be ten pounds lighter.
She came in a moment later, wearing a summer dress cut low in the front. She should be at work right now, but she seemed to have blown it off so she could wait for me to wake up. She was barefoot as she stepped onto my plush rug, her eyes guarded like she didn’t know if she was walking straight into a hurricane. She kept her distance, like I was a bear that might maul her face. “How are you feeling?”
All I could do was stare at her, admire the way the blue color of her dress complemented her so well. Her hair was straight and brushed back away from her beautiful face, showing the contours of her high cheekbones, the fullness of her lips. “Better. ”
She didn’t fire off questions. She just stared at me with concern. “I’m sorry you had such a rough night. I’m here if you want to talk…but no pressure.”
I’d expected her to storm in here and scold me for being out all night and then rip me apart for drinking like a madman, but she didn’t do either. And she didn’t interrogate me either. It made me want to pull her close rather than push her away. “I’m sorry I made you worry.”
Her kind eyes looked at me with all the love she didn’t have to voice. It was written on her face, every day, long before she’d told me how she felt. “I’m just happy you’re okay.” She forced a smile onto her lips, but it made her eyes emotional, like she really had been worried.
Like a magnet to steel, I closed the gap between us and moved into her. My arm slid across the small of her back, and I pulled her to me, my other hand automatically sliding into her hair as my lips rested against her hairline.
She physically sank into me, and she released a sigh of relief.
I held her like that for a long time, her touch chasing away all my sorrow like a sheepdog that chased away the wolves. My heart rate started to slow, my body relaxed. Peace came to me like a fog that slowly rolled in over the city.
After a while, she tilted her head back to look at me, her small hand cupping my face as she looked at me, really looked at me. Looked at me in a way no one ever had before. “I love you.” She rose on her tiptoes to kiss me before I had a chance to say anything back, like she didn’t expect me to say anything back.
She just wanted me to know how she felt. Said what was in her heart the moment she felt it. Put herself out there even though another rejection would hurt. It was the most selfless thing I’d seen anyone do.
To love someone without expecting to be loved in return.
She never asked me what happened with Axel.
Two days went by, and we spent many of those hours in bed. I took her out to dinner in the evenings, but we spent most of that time staring at each other across the table without saying a word.
She didn’t tell me she loved me again, but it was always written on her face. Every moment she looked at me. Every moment we were together. She and Axel looked nothing alike, but they looked exactly the same when they wore that look. It was the same expression he showed whenever Scarlett walked into the room, whenever he spoke about her and she wasn’t around.
But I still couldn’t say it.
We were on the couch with the game on, her body snuggled into mine under the blanket as she slept against my arm. The ice in my drink had melted a long time ago on the coffee table because I was unable to reach for it without waking her up. But that was fine with me.
My phone vibrated in my pocket with a text message, so I fished it out to look at the screen.
I’m downstairs if you’re ready to talk.
I sighed as I looked at Axel’s message, not ready for the conversation but understanding it was inevitable. I gently laid Astrid down on the couch, drank the watered-down scotch, and then headed downstairs.
I walked into the study and found him standing in front of the hearth, arms crossed over his chest, wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt like he’d left the house just to come here.
He stared at me, his blue eyes trying to gauge my mood.
I moved to the sitting area and stood in front of the couch but didn’t sit down. The coffee table was between us.
Axel was the one who’d decided to come, but he didn’t appear to have anything to say.
I didn’t know where to start.
“I’m sorry for what I said.” His voice was quiet and somber. His typical grin and smartass attitude had been left in the car. “Really.”
“I know.”
A slow grin moved over his lips. “This is going a lot better than I expected it to. ”
“I know you meant well. You always mean well.” He shouldn’t have said a lot of the shit that came out of his mouth, but I also shouldn’t have reacted so harshly. “I only have one button, and you pushed it.”
The smile disappeared. “I’ll never press that button again, Theo.”
“I appreciate that.”
He looked down at the coffee table between us for a while. “I know it’s not my place to say this, but…have you ever considered talking to someone?”
All I did was stare.
“It might help…is all I’m saying.”
“I can talk to someone for the rest of my life and it’s not going to help, Axel.”
He gave a nod. “Fair enough.” He looked at me again. “But maybe you should talk to Astrid about it.”
“She knows what happened to Shayla.”
“But maybe tell her how much it’s affecting your relationship with her.”
This was one of those moments where I wanted to lash out, but I kept the bullet in the chamber. “I know you mean well, Axel. But let me handle my relationship.”
Axel stared at the big red button but didn’t press it. “She’s welcome to stay with us while you’re gone. Just let me know when, and I’ll be ready.”
Now I felt guilty for snapping at him when he was the only guy in the world I could trust. I would never leave Astrid with anyone else. “I appreciate that.”
His eyes flicked to the door and stayed there.
I turned my head to see that Astrid had walked inside, wearing one of my t-shirts and my sweatpants, the clothing ridiculously big on her petite frame. But she looked so fucking cute in my clothes, so unquestionably mine.
“I’m sorry,” she said quickly. “I didn’t know where you’d gone?—”
“You’re fine, sweetheart.” She clearly still remembered the way I’d screamed at her for helping herself to my bedroom, because she was always afraid of crossing a line she couldn’t see. “You’re staying with Axel tomorrow night.”
She glanced at him before she looked at me again. But she didn’t ask any questions, like she already knew why. “I’m glad you two made up.”
“We’ll always make up,” Axel said, giving me his signature smirk.
She came closer to me, her face free of makeup, her eyes still tired from the nap she’d just taken. “How long will you be gone? ”
My arm circled her waist, feeling the curtain of clothing that surrounded her little frame. “A day…if it all goes well.” Her things were still in her bedroom, but she slept with me every night so she pretty much had moved in. If I killed Bolton, I wouldn’t ask her to leave. She could stay as long as she wanted to…or never leave.
“I’ve been dreading this.”
“Imagine how good you’ll feel when it’s over,” Axel said. “When you can live your life freely.”
“But that freedom comes at a cost, risking the man I love.”
Axel’s gaze shifted to me and stayed put.
I held his gaze but said nothing.
There were words packed in his silence, but he didn’t speak them. He looked at Astrid again. “Theo is the most capable man I’ve ever met. Your scrawny little ex-husband doesn’t stand a chance.”