Twenty-Six Noah
twenty-six
Noah
Noah closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the door. He could still smell the tiniest bit of Ramin’s cologne. Could still taste Ramin’s lips on his tongue. Could still feel the warmth pooling in his belly, between his legs, as he breathed.
This was… not how he wanted Angela and Jake to find out about him and Ramin.
Him and Ramin. Despite himself, he smiled.
He and Ramin were a thing now. A real thing. Right? That’s what he’d told Angela, at least. He thought Ramin was on the same page.
But maybe that’s what Ramin had meant by processing .
Please let Ramin be on the same page.
And once again, they’d been interrupted before he could actually get his hands on Ramin. Make him feel the way he’d made Noah feel.
Still, even though he hadn’t been able to touch Ramin the way he wanted, it was worth it to see Ramin and Jake together. Sitting on the bed, heads bowed in conversation, two co-conspirators in the making.
Jake was clearly smitten with Ramin. That was one thing he and his son had in common. And thank goodness. Jake might’ve been butting heads with Noah, but at least he got along with Ramin.
Now, if only Angela could be so easily swayed.
Noah straightened up, adjusted himself, and knocked on Angela’s door.
“You didn’t have to make him leave,” she said.
“He needed to get home.” Noah looked around. “Where’s Jake?”
“Bathroom.” She frowned. “I don’t think the food here agrees with him.”
Noah bit his lip. Jake’s stomach had been shakier the last few days, but it wasn’t like he was eating anything he didn’t eat back home.
“So…” Noah began, right as Angela said, “I just—”
Noah nodded. “You go ahead.”
Angela pulled her hair tie off, stuck it between her teeth, and started regathering her ponytail. It had started to curl without the rigorous straightening routine she used back home. It had bounce to it. It reminded Noah of when they first started dating.
“What’re you smiling at?” she mumbled around the elastic.
“Your hair looks nice.”
Angela rolled her eyes, but her cheeks turned pink. She was in a turquoise sundress today, one that hugged her wide hips and the swell of her stomach just right. She looked…
It took Noah a moment to realize she looked relaxed . He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen her looking relaxed.
“Italy agrees with you.”
He didn’t want it to be true. He wanted her to tell him no, it was just the humidity. Or no, it was just her not having time for her hair.
But instead, she finished tying her hair and smiled.
“You remember what Nonna said, about life being slower? I think I needed that. I’ve been going-going-going for years, and I… I can breathe here.”
Noah’s heart couldn’t decide if it wanted to clench or unclench.
Angela was happy here. And Noah was glad for that. He always wanted her to be happy, and he’d always be a little sad he couldn’t make her happy himself.
But he wished she hated it here. He wished she was rethinking everything.
He wished they didn’t even have to have these conversations.
“Anyway.” She took a deep breath. “I was going to say… you’re a grown man. You can make your own choices about who you see and who you sleep with, and I don’t get a say in that anymore. I’m sorry if I came across like I don’t approve or don’t want you to be happy or… whatever’s going on.”
“Thank you.”
“That said, I really don’t think this is the right time for either of us to be embarking on anything new, relationship-wise, not until we get things more sorted out. We’re already asking Jake to accept a lot of change. I don’t know if we should be adding to it.”
Noah swallowed what he wanted to say: You get to change, but I don’t. You get to reinvent yourself, but I don’t.
That wasn’t fair, though. This wasn’t about him. This was about Jake. About what was best for him.
At the end of the day, Noah’s feelings didn’t matter.
Angela took his hand. She hadn’t done that in such a long time. Her hands were practically strangers. He used to know them as well as his own.
“Listen. I am happy that he makes you happy. He does make you happy, right?”
Did Ramin make him happy?
A thousand times yes.
“You’ve seen him. He’s a good man.”
Angela laughed. “I’ve seen him. And I’ve seen the way you look at him. And I’ve seen the way he looks at you.”
Noah covered his face. “You make us sound like lovesick teenagers.”
They were at heart, though. Weren’t they? Maybe they always had been.
“It’s sweet. You used to look at me that way.” She glanced toward the bathroom. The door was still closed, and the fan was still running, and Noah wished he could gather up all of Jake’s pains and take them for himself, so Jake wouldn’t have to feel them. “Jake likes him, too.”
“Better than he likes me these days.”
It escaped his lips before he could stop it.
He hadn’t meant to say it out loud.
“It’ll get better.”
“Yeah.” Or Jake would decide it was too much and move away. Noah’s chest clenched up again. But even so, he couldn’t stop hoping.
“You should’ve seen them, Angie. When I walked back in they looked like they were planning world domination. Either that or Jake was trying to talk him into buying him something.”
Angela smiled. “Probably that Lego set from yesterday.”
“Probably.” Noah sighed. It wasn’t fair. Angela was moving forward with her life. Why couldn’t Noah?
“Listen. I know the timing isn’t the best. I know there’s a lot we need to figure out as a family. But I need to see where this goes.” He swallowed and waited for Angela to argue—she always had a counterpoint to make—but for once, she acquiesced.
“All right.” Angela took a deep breath. And then she smirked. “I guess I can hardly blame you for taking my advice.”
“Your advice?”
“Yeah. I told you I was worried you’d be lonely. So here you are. Fixing it.”
That wasn’t what this was. Ramin wasn’t some… some balm to ease him losing Jake.
He didn’t want to lose Jake.
Still. This was progress, at least.
He glanced toward the bathroom. “Jake’s been in there awhile. You mind staying? I’ll go find him some medicine.”
“Grazie,” Noah told the pharmacist. He’d picked up medicine for nausea and for diarrhea to cover all the bases. Well, all the bases he could think of right now.
As he turned his steps back toward the hotel, he passed another one of those condom vending machines, the sun nearly blinding him as it reflected off the glass front.
Noah slowed his steps. Ramin had mentioned not having condoms in Noah’s size.
And Noah hadn’t brought any himself. He hadn’t expected to need them.
Not that he was expecting to now. It just seemed like maybe he should have his own bases covered, too. But this vending machine didn’t have XXLs.
Plus he wasn’t going to buy them on a street corner in broad daylight. He was going to buy them in a store, awkwardly avoiding eye contact with the shopkeeper and praying he didn’t run into anyone he knew, like a proper Midwestern boy.
He went straight at the crosswalk, since his sign was lit, and ended up on a slightly different route back to the hotel.
He passed a bustling coffee shop, a cute clothing boutique, some kind of home goods store, and a fancy butcher shop.
One storefront caught his eye. The windows had blackout curtains on them, all except one, which had a Pride flag instead.
The door was covered in blackout, too, but it had a bright APERTO sign.
The back of his neck prickled. Was this… an adult store?
He’d never actually been in one. Not out of prudishness. He’d simply always gotten what he needed from pharmacies. Or better yet, online shopping, where you didn’t have to avoid eye contact with anyone at all.
When he was a teenager, he’d driven by the Priscilla’s in Gladstone often enough, and his dad had always muttered darkly about it being on a “family street” as he was learning to drive. But he’d never actually stepped inside.
Noah bit his lip and checked his phone to see if Angela had messaged him. Jake was out of the bathroom now, and supposedly feeling better. So Noah had a few minutes. Right?
His curiosity got the best of him. He pulled the door open and was immediately overwhelmed with the scent of leather. His mouth hung open as he looked around.
He wasn’t sure what he expected, honestly. Maybe red lights and dark walls and dirty floors.
This store, though, was more like a Target. Bright lights, clean tile floors, and aisles full of just about everything Noah could imagine, plus plenty of stuff he definitely could not.
One aisle was nothing but lubricants and condoms. Including his size.
Noah’s heart hovered in his throat as he pulled out his phone to try and translate some of the lube packages to make sure they were condom safe.
He wondered if he should text Ramin to check if he was allergic to latex, but that was way too forward, right?
Maybe he wouldn’t even need them. Maybe they wouldn’t get together again like that.
Or maybe they would, but they’d get interrupted again.
Noah nearly snorted a laugh. It had been awful in the moment, and beyond frustrating, but looking back it was kind of funny.
Noah grabbed what he needed and was about to head for the inevitably awkward checkout—made even more awkward by the language barrier—but when he turned down the next aisle he finally figured out why it smelled like leather in here.
Caps. Collars. Pants. Chaps. Some… he’d call them harnesses, he supposed, but all the harnesses he wore for work went around the thighs.
These were thin, and bright red, and displayed across a mannequin’s chest, and the only place he saw to clip in was right in the center of the chest, but it looked more like the ring on a dog collar than a proper D-ring.
Definitely not OSHA-approved, but then, these were clearly not meant for fall arrest.
And opposite all the leather was a bunch of athletic gear. Some tame, like regular jock straps, and some less so, like jock straps that were just… straps. No jock. Just a loop of elastic that went around the whole package.
But there were singlets, too.
Noah’s blood thundered in his veins and crept into his neck and cheeks as he thought about Ramin’s wet dream. Or dreams. Ramin hadn’t been clear on that part, and now Noah was kicking himself for not getting clarification, because it was… kind of hot, honestly.
Exhilarating.
He half-hardened, imagining Ramin’s dream. Imagining he had dragged him into a bathroom stall, pushed him to his knees, made him…
Noah shook himself. Okay, maybe he got why Ramin found it so sexy after all. He’d spent most of his life being cautious, but the thought of throwing caution to the wind, of taking what he wanted… well, it was exhilarating.
But he’d think about that later, when he wasn’t surrounded by leather and spandex.
As long as he was here, though…
Noah reached for one of the singlets, felt the sleek material beneath his fingers. Could he really buy one? No, of course not.
He was being ridiculous. Even if he did want to do something like that, eventually, it would make more sense to buy it at home, where the exchange rate was better.
But then he imagined Ramin’s eyes, green and needy.
His mouth, pink and hungry. Before he could stop himself, he grabbed a blue and silver one—their old high school colors—balled it up, and scurried to the checkout, hoping he wouldn’t see anyone he knew.
Yeah, he was in Italy, so the chances were low, but he’d already run into Ramin.
Thrice. Clearly his luck was all over the place.
The last thing he wanted to do was buy condoms and lube and sex gear in front of his dentist.