Thirty Noah
thirty
Noah
Noah had forgotten it could be this way.
The ease of walking side by side with someone. The little smiles as you thought of each other. The unbridled joy when a new text came in.
It had been that way with Angela, for a long time. Before they drifted apart. Before they fell out of love.
Falling out of love had been its own strange ache. Noah hadn’t realized how long he’d carried it around.
But now his chest was light. His heart was full. He couldn’t stop smiling.
He really liked Ramin.
He really, really, really liked Ramin.
After their day together—and after Angela’s meeting with the lawyers—the Death March of Fun had resumed, so Noah had been limited to hurried texts, late night calls, or once, a quick breakfast together.
He couldn’t get enough.
Still, just knowing Ramin was thinking of him made it better.
Angela took them to museums, and parks, and famous landmarks. She took them to lunch spots she’d found on Google, pasticcerias Nonno and Nonna had recommended, a Michelin-starred restaurant she’d booked them reservations for even before she bought their plane tickets.
Noah loved every minute of it, even if he wished Ramin was there, too.
Jake seemed to wish the same. He kept asking Noah to text Ramin on his behalf. (Noah and Angela both agreed: no phone until Jake hit middle school.)
Angela covered her annoyance as best she could, but Noah could tell she was frustrated.
He couldn’t help it if Jake liked Ramin, though. Noah was on his best behavior, not texting Ramin at the table, not calling him, being focused and present during the day.
Nights were another story. He and Ramin would stay up way too late talking. Ramin would tell him about whatever remote work he was doing, what he’d seen in the city, what he’d eaten. They’d talk about nothing until it was Jake’s bedtime.
Then Noah would retreat to the bathroom with his phone and a private browser to do some research.
He knew Ramin had more experience, but that didn’t mean he was a babe in the woods.
He might not’ve had much sex with other men, but he had a data plan, some mental notes about what Ramin liked, and an anonymous account lurking on the r/kink subreddit, just to be sure.
He had a right hand for when his research got a little too stimulating, too.
Twenty Years Ago
“What’re you working on?”
Noah looked up from the charcoal portrait of Stacy he’d been drawing for the last week. Her birthday was coming up soon, and he thought it’d be a nice gift. More personal than another pair of earrings from Claire’s, at least.
“Just a sketch,” Noah said, suddenly shy.
He didn’t know why the thought of Ramin looking at his art made him so nervous.
They swapped notes all the time. Ramin helped him with his homework.
He filled Ramin in when he missed a class for one of his mom’s appointments, which seemed to be growing in frequency.
“All right, you don’t have to show me.” Ramin said it lightly, but there was something under the surface, some lingering hurt. Noah didn’t want to hurt Ramin. Life was doing that enough as it was. His mom wasn’t getting better.
Noah would’ve done anything to change things.
“I don’t mind,” he said. “Here.”
He slid his sketchbook over. Ramin studied it for a long time, so long Noah’s heart started racing. He’d never been a nail biter, but all of a sudden, he wondered what his cuticles tasted like.
“Wow,” Ramin said. “You must really love her.”
“Huh?”
“You put so much care into this. It’s beautiful. She’s lucky.”
Fire crept up the sides of Noah’s neck, trailed along the shells of his ears, blotted his cheeks.
“Thanks,” he muttered.
“You should be an artist,” Ramin said.
“Huh?”
“For a job. You could draw stuff.”
“Nah. It’s not practical,” Noah said automatically. His dad had made it quite clear this wasn’t a career. Just a hobby.
“So? If you like it, that should be all that matters. What do you want to do?”
Noah licked his lips. What did he want to do?
He’d never thought about it that much. What his parents wanted him to do had always loomed so much larger. Or what Stacy wanted him to do. Or what his teachers wanted him to do. Or his coaches.
Ramin was the only one who ever asked him what he wanted. And he couldn’t even give an answer.
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I guess I’d better think about it.”
Now
“Dad?”
“Yeah, buddy?” Noah helped spoon scrambled eggs onto Jake’s plate. “You want some cheese, too?”
“Sure.”
Noah grabbed the tongs. “What were you gonna ask?”
“When can we have another guys’ day out? With Ramin?”
Noah smiled. Ever since their day with Ramin, Jake seemed to have mellowed some. He’d stopped being so cranky with Noah. Had held Noah’s hand as they crossed streets, or even when they were just taking in the art in a museum.
He still wasn’t sure why Jake had been so surly with him for so long, but he was glad they’d finally turned a corner.
“Tell you what,” Noah said. “I’ll ask him when he’s free. Maybe we can do something this afternoon. That sound good?”
Jake beamed. “Yeah!”
Jake took his plate to the table, then ran for a second one. When it came to breakfast buffets, Jake always separated his savories from his sweets. And there were a lot of sweets on offer. Noah nearly got a cavity just looking at the pastry table.
Still, a few cavities would be worth it. The pastries were so good here. He selected a tiny croissant coated with apricot glaze for himself.
“I was thinking,” Angela said, sidling up to Noah at the fruit station. “I want to take Jake on a trip.”
Noah scrunched up his face. They were already on a trip.
“I mean, I want to take him to another city here. By train.”
“Oh.” Noah frowned. Their days were already pretty full, and now Angela wanted to tack on another city?
Still, when it came down to it, this was her vacation.
She’d paid for the tickets, the hotel, everything but what meals Noah had managed to snag the check for.
If she wanted to go, they’d go. “Where did you have in mind? I can look at tickets.”
Angela’s cheeks reddened. “Uh, I was thinking, just me and Jake. The two of us.”
Noah nearly dropped the pineapple he was scooping onto his plate. “Really?”
He couldn’t remember Angela ever taking Jake anywhere solo, other than school or the occasional doctor’s appointment. Not out of town, and certainly not on a train or plane or anything like that.
“It would be good practice for if he moves here. Plus it would let him see more of the country. Get a sense of what it would be like, living here with me.”
Noah wanted to tell her no. Pull the plug. Sabotage this.
Do everything he could to stop Jake from even considering staying here in Italy with his mom.
He couldn’t do that, though.
“When were you thinking?”
“Today.”
“ Today? ” They finally had a free day. Jake wanted to see Ramin. They were going to—
“Why not?”
Noah couldn’t think of a good reason. Except that he didn’t want her to. Because he was petty and selfish.
“All right,” he finally said.
“Good. Thanks.” Angela swallowed. “I also thought you might like the chance to spend some actual time with Ramin.”
It was Noah’s turn to blush. Was it that obvious? He’d stayed in the moment. He’d paid attention to Angela and Jake and focused on their family. He’d only texted on breaks, or while they were waiting for the subway, or late at night.
“Angie, I swear, I—”
“I know, I know, you’ve been with us and you’ve been present and I’m not mad. But this is your vacation, too. I want you to have a good time. And you do, when you’re with him. Don’t you?”
Noah pictured a flash of green eyes. A dimpled smile.
A pack of condoms stuffed in the bottom of his dresser.
He shouldn’t want this. But he did.
He really did.
Unfortunately, Jake very much did not want it.
“But you promised ,” Jake said. He dropped his fork and looked at Noah with big, hurt eyes. “You said—”
“I said we’d try , Jake,” Noah said. “I haven’t even talked to Ramin yet.”
“But… but…”
Noah reached for Jake’s hand. At least he didn’t pull it away.
“Jakey. Sometimes you have to be flexible. That’s just part of life. We try, and sometimes we have to change our plans. It’s not the end of the world.”
If Jake’s sniffling was anything to go by, it was the end of the world.
“Your mom really wants to take you to Turin. Don’t you want to see it?”
Jake shook his head. Noah fought a sigh.
“I’m sorry, Jake. We’ll have a guys’ day another time, okay?”
“Fine,” Jake pouted. He pulled his hand out of Noah’s and crossed his arms. “I don’t care.”
Noah looked toward Angela, who was getting another espresso.
Maybe he should’ve let her be the one to break the news. Then she’d be the one dealing with Jake’s meltdown.
After breakfast—and after calming Jake down—Angela took him up to her room to pack an overnight bag. Noah hung back at the table, finishing off his tea.
He should’ve felt guilty. He did feel guilty. He’d ended up being the bad guy. Again.
And he didn’t even know if Ramin was free. If he was up for some alone time. Just the two of them. No random knocks on the door. No interruptions.
The thought fluttered in his chest on little golden wings as he pulled out his phone.
Noah had seen Milano Centrale when they caught their bus to Como, but he hadn’t had time to really appreciate it.
A huge, imposing stone building—part Art Deco, part who-knows-what—supposedly it was the largest station in Europe.
In the courtyard out front, skateboarders practiced grinds on stone benches, people filed into and out of the Metro entrances, and tourists took pictures of an enormous statue of an apple with a bite taken out of it and stapled back on.
He swallowed against the tightness in his throat. Ignored the anxious churning in his gut.
It had seemed like a good idea a few hours ago, when he’d texted Ramin and asked if he wanted to hop a train and go somewhere. Ramin had said yes right away.
But could he actually do this? Or would his nerves get the best of him?
His phone buzzed.
Ramin
I’m here! Inside!
Meet by the bookstore across from the platforms?
The platforms were on the third level. Noah rode the long moving walkways up, thumbs tucked around his backpack straps, as he dodged travelers wheeling their luggage around. He found Ramin next to a window display, head down, looking at his phone.
He looked perfect.
He wore a striped green-and-white tank top, which showed off his lovely shoulders, and a pair of light pink shorts that weren’t sinfully short but were certainly enticing. He looked so cosmopolitan, with his sunglasses pushed up into his hair, and a gray backpack slung off one shoulder.
Noah licked his lips. He’d dressed his best, too, in a long-sleeved white linen shirt he’d bought specially for this trip.
He’d had to check three times to make sure it covered what he had on underneath, especially when he’d unbuttoned the top three buttons like the locals did.
He had blue chinos on below, not as short as Ramin’s but still breezy.
He tried to adjust himself without Ramin noticing. He was much more used to boxers.
When Ramin noticed him, he smiled so bright it outshone the sun streaming in through the skylights.
All Noah’s nerves melted away, replaced with joy, with excitement, with the scent of Ramin’s cologne and the sparkle in his eyes.
He stepped in close, chest to chest, pressing Ramin back against the window. Ramin’s nostrils flared. His eyes widened.
Noah smirked. “Hi.”
Ramin’s cologne smelled fresh, clean, like lemon verbena and spring rain. Noah wanted to taste his collarbone, but they were in public.
That could come later.
“Hi.” Ramin looked around, then leaned in for a peck on the lips. “You look amazing.”
“You too. I like the way you smell.”
Ramin smiled brighter, though he tugged at the hem of his tank. “Not too much? There’s a stereotype about Persian men and too much cologne.”
“Just right.” Noah cleared his throat. “So. How does Genoa sound?”
“Genoa?” Ramin quirked an eyebrow.
“You said you liked the water.”
“You remembered?” Ramin seemed almost surprised.
“Of course I remembered.”
Noah remembered every moment with Ramin.
“That sounds perfect.”
“Good.” Noah had spent the morning looking up which seaside towns they could get to on a single train ride, and Genoa had been the best option. Plus there would be pesto.
Pesto was the besto.
“I already got us tickets.”
“You did?”
Noah nodded. “The train leaves in forty minutes. Which leaves us just enough time…”
Noah’s heart hammered. This was it. He could do this.
He could do this.
Ramin cocked his head. “Enough time for what?”
Noah ignored the sandpaper in his throat as he leaned closer to whisper in Ramin’s ear.
“See those bathrooms over there?” He nodded to his right, where a bright blue sign said TOILETS in bold white letters.
“Yeah?”
He fished in his pocket for a one-euro coin and slipped it into Ramin’s hand.
“Why don’t you go in there. Find the last stall.” Noah kept his voice steady, even though it wanted to shake with the hammering of his heart.
Ramin said he’d dreamed about this.
“Get down on your knees.”
Ramin stiffened next to him, drew in a sharp breath.
“And suck my cock.”