Chapter 10
On Thursday evenings we expected around twelve Bloomers and their birth partners for an antenatal class. Numbers were fewer than Mondays because some didn’t want to come if there were males present and others weren’t interested if there was no food or ‘fun time’.
The birth partners were about an even split between family or foster carers and the babies’ dads. It was my most challenging session of the week but, when it went well, by far my most rewarding. I got my kids into bed, set up the intercom in case they needed me, and was reading a message from Mary at the Green House letting me know she’d be dropping off Petra when the first couple arrived.
‘Hi, you must be Ellis!’ I heard Nicky greet them, offering the usual introductory spiel as she showed them to a seat.
I glanced up to see a tall young woman wearing a sleeveless top and oversized jogging bottoms. Apart from her tiny, football bump she was painfully thin, with jutting cheekbones and mousy hair, worn in a shaggy chop, brushing her shoulders. She had multiple piercings on her face and badly drawn reptiles tattooed across her arms and chest. Her expression was sullen, dull eyes wary, and her body language that of an animal torn between whether to play dead or run.
Which was how most of our Bloomers looked on their first session, so I was confident she’d fit right in.
But then she moved to the side, and everything inside me stuttered to a stop.
I hadn’t recognised the nineteen-year-old version of the little waif who’d visited our house to play board games and draw pictures with her big brother.
But I’d never mistake the man who stood beside her.
Jonah.
The form had been filled in with the name Joe Green. It went without saying that I’d checked.
His amber eyes scanned the room before quickly swivelling back to rest on me.
It was fair to say that the shock was mutual.
For an endless moment everything else – Nicky, Ellis, the other people now arriving, the rest of the room – faded into nothing.
My heart must have resumed beating because I could hear it pounding like an industrial engine.
We stood there, for who knew how long, staring at each other.
I wished that I’d had time to wash my hair that morning, rather than twisting it into a messy bun. My outfit was a pair of wide-legged jeans and a navy T-shirt.
I’d pressured myself into wearing make-up for the fancy class that morning, and suspected that, after an afternoon rushing about, I now had mascara smeared under my eyes.
Would he notice? Did it matter?
I noticed that he had a few days’ worth of stubble where, before, his skin had been smooth beneath my feverish fingers.
As I’d seen that afternoon at the Green House – because now I knew it had been him – he’d broadened out, added a new confidence to his posture, but his eyes were creased with exhaustion and there was a tiny hole in the side of his grey T-shirt.
In an abstract way, I registered that Jonah King – Joe Green? – had transformed into a startlingly beautiful man.
All I could think was that he was here, in my cabin, staring at me as if I were a lost treasure, and in ten minutes I was going to be talking to him about maternity pads.
‘Where is she?’ A sudden bellow snapped me back to the room.
Daisy’s ex-fiancé, Raz, had burst through the cabin door with all the vigour of a rampaging rhino.
‘I know she’s here. Where is she? Where’s she hiding my baby?’
My stomach lurched as though I’d tossed it out of an aeroplane window.
Up until he’d broken up with Daisy, Raz had been to the class every week. He’d always come across as so timid, I’d been surprised he’d had the confidence to sleep with someone else. This barbarian would be unrecognisable from that mousy boy if it weren’t for his bright ginger mullet.
‘Raz, calm down.’ Nicky strode over and took an assertive stance in front of him. ‘There are pregnant women here.’
‘No, I won’t calm down! She’s got my baby and I demand to see him!’
‘Raz, this is the antenatal class, for people who haven’t had their babies yet. You know this. Now, let’s take a couple of deep breaths…’
By the time I and one of the other dads, who happened to know Raz, had manhandled him into my kitchen, where we’d forced him to drink a cup of tea until his mum arrived – she’d been to visit baby Bolt that afternoon but had the good sense not to tell Raz that – Nicky had my session on what to pack in your hospital bag well under way. When I slipped back into the cabin, Ellis and her brother were sitting on a sofa on the far side of the room from the door. Ellis had her head down, apprehensive eyes on the carpet, while Jonah studied the handout. I froze for a long moment, wondering what on earth to do and where to sit, but then spotted Petra in one corner, looking utterly lost.
‘Hey,’ I whispered, sliding in next to her. ‘Great to see you!’
She glanced at me, chewing on her lip.
‘How’s it going?’
Petra nodded at the handout gripped in her hand. ‘I don’t have any of these things,’ she whispered back. ‘I’m not ready.’
‘That’s okay.’ I smiled. ‘You’ve got weeks to go yet. Mary knows all about this stuff. She’ll make sure you have everything you need in time.’
‘No.’ She shook her head vigorously, eyes pleading. ‘I’m not ready!’
Then she burst into tears, crumpling over her bump in anguished, noisy sobs.
No one batted an eyelid as I gently led her into the back room of the cabin, the place where we stored all the equipment alongside a tiny kitchenette and office space. She was by no means the only mum to start crying in a Bloomers session. She probably wouldn’t be the only one crying that night.
I sat her down and made another cup of tea.
There were two minutes left in the refreshment break by the time I persuaded Petra to give the session another try.
‘Do you want me to keep going?’ Nicky asked, when I joined her by the biscuits.
‘No, I’m fine to do the next bit. You can handle any other emotional outbursts, thanks,’ I said, picking up the weighted doll we used to help people practise holding a newborn as I walked to the chair at the front of the group and called for everyone to find their seats again.
‘Right, for those of you who haven’t met me yet, I’m Libby. For the next part of the class, we’re going to be thinking about how to soothe a crying baby.’
‘Will we also be learning how to soothe a crying missus?’ one of the young men piped up, nudging his partner. ‘Because this one won’t stop. Found her bawlin’ yesterday because her cracker broke when she tried to spread butter on it.’
‘Dude!’ another lad called across the room once the mix of laughter and angry retorts had died down. ‘You’ll be the one crying when you get home tonight. If you had half a brain inside that lumpy skull, you might have figured out that what she’s really crying about is having a kid with an ugly dumbass like you…’
And so it went on. Like I said, the Thursday classes could be hilarious. They could also make me wish I did something easier, like breed scorpions for a living, instead.
The ongoing banter was, however, an excuse not to look too often at the far side of the room, where Ellis was alternating between pretending to be asleep and huffing about our no-phone-in-class rule. Her brother was making such copious notes, I suspected it might be his excuse not to look too hard at me.
We always ended the sessions with a simple relaxation technique, and the second Nicky announced this was over, Ellis sprang off her seat and pushed past the cluster of sofas and chairs to the door. Jonah-slash-Joe, on the other hand, stood up but remained where he was as everyone else slowly filed out, chatting and laughing while exchanging more insults and fist-bumps. I had a strict no-hanging-about-afterwards-for-no-good-reason rule, otherwise some would end up loitering well past my bedtime, but I would make an exception in this case.
Before I headed over, I waited for Nicky to finish answering a mum’s question about her Braxton-Hicks contractions, then stood with my back to Jonah while I faced her.
‘Did you recognise him?’ I asked, sounding embarrassingly breathless enough to make her suddenly alert, peering at me.
‘Who? Raz?’
‘No. Ellis’s brother.’
‘Who?’ Nicky was tired, having spent several hours at the surgery seeing patients before heading straight over, no doubt nibbling on a few slices of apple or a handful of nuts for her evening meal.
‘The new mum who looked even more detached than usual, Ellis. Her birth partner is her brother. Joe.’
‘I thought he looked pervily old to be with a vulnerable teenager. My safeguarding siren was wailing.’
‘It’s Jonah King.’
‘Jonah who?’ She suddenly clicked, her jaw dropping.
‘Oh,’ she said, softly, eyes darting over my shoulder to where I guessed he still stood. ‘Yes. Of course. Oh, Libby.’
Oh, Libbyindeed.
‘Have you spoken to him?’
I shook my head. Her reaction had made my throat clog up with thirteen years’ worth of tears.
‘He’s waiting for you.’
I nodded frantically.
‘Okay. Take a deep breath. Let it out slowly,’ she said, in her childbirth-coach voice. ‘You’re going to turn around, take six steps over to him. Stop. Smile, then say, “Hi, Jonah, what a huge surprise.”’
‘What then?’ I whispered.
‘I don’t know. Improvise?’ She patted my arm. ‘You aren’t sixteen any more, Libby, you’ll figure it out.’
Maybe I wasn’t, but right then I felt like a clueless teenager.
Realising my sister was about to spin me around and strong-arm me over there, I saved her the trouble and me the humiliation and walked over to Jonah myself.
What did she tell me to do now?my garbled thoughts demanded. Oh yes, smile and say hi.
‘Hi.’
As I’d approached him, Jonah’s eyes had been on the rug, but once I’d spoken, he slowly slid his gaze up until they once again met mine.
‘Hi.’
A jolt of electricity zapped through my nervous system. ‘I’m… what… I didn’t realise it was you when you called.’
He opened his mouth and closed it again as if lost for words.
‘Joe Green was on the form.’
‘That’s my name now. I mean, only Ellis and Billy call me Joe, but she filled the form in. Joe King didn’t really work, and, well, I changed my surname a while back. You know, a fresh start.’
‘Did you know it was me?’
He shook his head, a hint of a smile at the corners of his mouth as he seemed to release his breath for the first time since I’d approached. ‘Of course. I mean, you look exactly the same.’
‘No, did you know before you got here?’
‘Oh. No.’ He shook his head. ‘Your name has changed, too.’
I’d kept my married name, Donahue, because I wanted the same name as my children. The Bloomers website also had me down as Liz, which Brayden used to call me and I’d still been using in a professional capacity until a couple of years ago.
‘I’m glad, though.’ His gaze was so intent, shivers skittered across my skin. ‘I might have thought twice about coming if I’d known. But this is exactly what Ellis needs. And, well.’ He paused, blew out a slow sigh. ‘It’s good to see you, Libby.’
‘Yes,’ was all I could manage. What the hell does that mean? I screeched inside my head. You’re agreeing that it’s good for him to see me?
It had been thirteen years since a male rendered me a gibbering wreck. No surprise that it was the same man.
‘Is it okay?’ he asked, understandably, given that I was now standing there, melting with embarrassment while still staring straight into his eyes. ‘I mean, us coming along?’
‘Yes,’ I repeated, managing to add, ‘Of course, it’s not a problem,’ to clarify that I wasn’t just a Libby android stuck on my yes function. ‘It’s really great to see you both. Although, I’m sorry Ellis has had such a rough time of it. But you, you’re…’
He grinned, breaking eye contact for the first time as he rubbed a hand self-consciously through neatly cropped hair. ‘Still alive.’
‘I guess they still need you.’ In his darkest moments, Jonah had repeatedly said he was only staying alive because his brother and sister needed him.
He pulled a wry face. ‘More than ever, as it happens.’
‘Well, Ellis is waiting. I won’t keep you.’ I turned to wave feebly at where she was standing in the doorway, simmering like a kettle about to boil.
‘I’ll drop her off on Monday, then?’
‘Yes.’
‘See you then.’
‘Yes.’ Oh, for goodness’ sake!
Before I could think of anything more intelligent to say, he’d gone.
There was no way that Nicky was rushing off now. She thrummed with impatience while we packed up, and after checking that the kids were both asleep, I found her on the sofa, two glasses of wine poured, despite it being nearly ten o’clock.
‘Jonah!’ She gasped. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen her so skittish. Her violet hair was sticking up in clumps as if she’d been tugging at it. ‘I can’t believe I didn’t recognise him.’
‘It has been a while. Shorter hair, different context and all that.’
‘You knew straight away.’
‘I actually saw him earlier, standing on the other side of the Green House garden, and, after thinking it might be him, dismissed it. So maybe my brain was more prepared.’
That, and the fact that he’d been hovering on the edge of my consciousness for aeons.
‘How do you feel?’ She took a sip of wine, watching me carefully.
I took a long, slow breath while I tried to wade through all the churning emotions, figure out which were worth acknowledging.
‘I’m not sure yet. I feel… relieved that he’s doing okay. I’ve been carrying the guilt about what happened for so long now.’ I stopped, swallowing back the ache in my throat, shocked by how powerfully that confession still affected me.
‘It was a rough time for you, though. Your first heartbreak. All the knock-on effects with Mum and Dad, your exams. It must be hard, having those memories ambush you like that.’
I gave up trying to keep my feelings in check and found a tissue, blotting my eyes as I replied. ‘At the time, it was devastating. You know what it did to us all. And teenage heartbreak feels like the worst, doesn’t it? But we mended. I moved on. And you can’t compare it to what happened with Brayden, especially given that my children were involved.
‘I’ll probably dream about being sixteen tonight. I can’t promise I won’t be going over it in my head a few times.’ I took hold of her hand. ‘But I’ll be fine. I am fine. Jonah was a good guy, underneath the issues. I honestly did love him.’ I gave a weak laugh. ‘It’ll be nice to catch up, see how the vampire turned out.’
‘And you never know…’ Nicky arched a sly eyebrow, before catching the look on my face. ‘Too soon to tease you about that?’
‘Yes, too soon! It’ll always be too soon to in any way whatsoever imply that there might be the possibility of anythingat all between me and him! Ever! Anything!’
‘Wow.’ She laughed. ‘Just to clarify, am I right in picking up that you’d rather I didn’t raise the topic of anything possibly ever happening between you and Jonah? Ever! Or did I read that wrong?’
I rolled my eyes in exasperation but couldn’t help the smile tugging at my mouth.
‘We were kids. Completely different people. Us being together has some horrible memories associated with it. And you know I’m not in the right place to even think about stuff like that at the moment.’
‘At any moment in the five years since your marriage ended,’ she interrupted.
‘While Isla’s going through her thing, and Mum’s threatening to come home…’
‘Wait, what the hell do you mean, she’s coming home?’
‘Didn’t you get a postcard?’ Usually, they were sent in pairs.
‘If I had, don’t you think I’d have mentioned it?’ Nicky looked shell-shocked. ‘Why the hell didn’t you mention it?’
‘I don’t know, it felt like an in-person conversation, and you had to rush off straight after the session yesterday. It only arrived on Tuesday…’
Subject successfully changed, we went on to discuss this traumatic family scenario until our glasses were empty and Theo messaged Nicky to check she’d not been in a car crash because it was nearly midnight and she had a wild swim arranged for five-thirty the following morning.
Which was, it turned out, about the time my brain finally ran out of steam, stopped unpicking every Jonah memory for the squillionth time and let me get a pitiful ninety minutes of sleep.