Chapter 20
I came back from the barbecue in the early evening and found my living room empty of both Toby, and all Toby and Hazel’s things. He wasn’t in the kitchen, or anywhere else in the house.
Leaving a sleepy Finn and Isla watching a film in their pyjamas, I carried Hazel over to the cabin to fetch the baby bath we used to practise bathing with dolls. Opening the door into the back room, I discovered what had happened to Toby.
‘Wow.’
‘Not bad, is it?’ He grinned, placing a stuffed toy on the wooden cot now positioned in one corner of the room.
I took in the fold-out bed, all made up with Spider-Man bedding. Shelving units that had previously been a chaotic, jumbled mess were now organised rows of equipment, books and handouts. The new order had left a whole shelf now full of clothes for Toby and Hazel. A desk that was supposed to be for Nicky but in reality had been a dumping ground for yet more mess was now a changing station. Toby pulled open the drawers to reveal neat stacks of nappies and wipes. Underneath it was more baby stuff, including a plastic bath.
It looked crowded, but I had to admit it was cosy.
‘Toby, this is an amazing job, but you can’t live in my office.’
‘Yeah. Not for long, anyway. But I was wondering about this?’
He led me to the old walk-in storeroom next to the bathroom.
‘What if we cleaned this out, tidied it and I put in some shelving here.’ He pointed to one wall. ‘And then a desk here. Get one of those proper racks for the gym balls. My mate Baz could easily fit a sink in this corner, with a little unit for your kettle, fridge here, shelves up there. A new blind, lamp, coat of paint. It’d be a nice space with a bit of time and effort.’
‘While I have to agree this could be a good space, you and Hazel can’t live in the cabin.’
‘Why not?’ His brow wrinkled up; he looked genuinely confused.
‘How’s it going to work when I’m teaching? I’ll be working through the summer when there’s no college.’
‘Then me and Hazel can help out with Finn and Isla in the cottage, can’t we?’ He winked. ‘It’ll probably take me the best part of the summer to get all the jobs sorted. I thought I could decorate while I’m at it. Sort of instead of paying rent.’
‘If you work on my house as speedily as you’ve done this, it’ll be showroom ready by the time school breaks up.’
‘Then I’ll start on the garden.’ Toby’s smile disappeared. ‘Seriously, Libby. We’re that grateful you’ve said Hazel and I can move in. I can’t keep sleeping on your sofa, can I?’
Um, wasn’t the agreement that you’d stay until we found somewhere more suitable?
We agreed that he could stay for the summer, providing it had no impact on my classes. Rent would be in the form of DIY, gardening and childcare.
‘Your pregnant mums and dads won’t know we’re here. Especially the posh ones. We’re not only going to be no trouble, before long you’ll be wondering how you managed without us.’
I had to admit that I already sort of was.
Monday morning, Isla was not happy. That deadly combination of tired and wired after a weekend visiting her dad’s house for the first time, adjusting to fun new housemates and a full-on day with family – she was more fretful and grouchy than usual. We were so late I’d given up on checking the clock by the time I finally wrestled her into shoes that ‘felt wrong’ and grabbed the lunchbox of food that she of course now hated, despite having demanded it in the supermarket a few days earlier.
Finn was a coiled spring of frustration. ‘It’s PE this morning!’ he whined, standing in the doorway, kicking the doorframe while Isla and I underwent the pantomime of me putting on her second shoe while she took off the first one. ‘I’m missing my favourite lesson because of my stupid sister! It’s not fair! You should make her go to school with no shoes on, then she’ll learn.’
‘You know I can’t do that.’ I gasped, finally doing up a buckle.
‘Then I should get to walk by myself!’ he yelled, spinning around and marching down the path. ‘I’m sick of her ruining my life!’
‘I’ll walk with him,’ Toby said, appearing from the kitchen as he crammed in a corner of toast, Hazel in a sling across his chest. ‘We oldest kids have to stick together.’
Isla stopped crying, mouth dropping open as she twisted her head to watch Toby hurrying off down the path after her brother. Without another word, she stuffed her foot into the other shoe, grabbed her bag and lunchbox and started running.
‘Wait for me, Toby!’
‘Come on, then.’ Toby held out his hand and she grabbed it gleefully. ‘I think Mum could do with a few minutes’ peace before work starts, so I’ll take you to school today.’
The second they’d disappeared around the overgrown hedge, I sat on the doorstep and cried.
By the time Toby returned I was reclining on my restored bench, cradling a mug of tea and trying to summon the energy to start getting ready for the Bloomers arriving in an hour.
‘That was some morning,’ he said, coming to sit beside me.
It was all I could do to nod, scared to speak in case I started crying again.
‘Is it always like that?’
‘No.’ I shook my head. ‘Well. It’s often like that, but rarely that bad.’
‘I thought a baby was hard work.’ He blew out a comical sigh.
‘Thank you for taking them to school. This has been… forty minutes of bliss.’
We sat for a minute, watching the butterflies dancing around a patch of purple thistles poking through the broken fence.
‘Can I make a suggestion?’ Toby asked.
I bristled slightly at the thought of an eighteen-year-old having a suggestion to make about my parenting challenges, but on the off chance it was about DIY, I nodded for him to go ahead.
‘Maybe you should find time for this more often.’
You think?
‘That’s a great suggestion. I don’t suppose you have an extra couple of hours in the day I could borrow, do you? Because I can’t seem to find any. And by the evening, when I finally have some time to catch up on useful things like cleaning or reading a book, I’m knackered. Some days I barely have the energy to eat.’
‘You might find if you took a bit of time out for yourself at the start of the day, the rest of it seems easier.’
‘Maybe.’
‘Also…’
‘Also, what?’ I huffed. ‘Might as well tell me what you think!’
‘Have you thought about being more… organised?’
I had to laugh. ‘Am I seriously being told to sort my life out by a technically homeless, teenage dad?’
‘Okay, so technically I’m not homeless. First job of the day, once I’ve spoken to college, is to transfer everything official to this address. Secondly, it’s like those boiling frogs Nicky was telling us about. I didn’t realise how bad things had got with Courtney, it happened so slowly. I needed you to give me some hard truths. This is me returning the favour. How much better do you feel having had a bit of time to sit and soak up the sunshine this morning?’
I had to admit, I felt like a whole new person.
‘You’ve seen how it is, Toby. I know it makes sense. But I’ve got a lot of stuff going on.’
‘Well, like I said, it’s a good job you’ve got me, then, isn’t it? How about I cook dinner a couple of times a week, play with the kids while you use the extra time to do whatever else needs doing?’
‘What do you get out of this?’ I asked.
‘A home. A big sister.’ He rolled his shoulders. ‘Someone to show me how the hell to be a dad.’
‘Hey, Libby, is it true you’re bunking up with Toby Smithson nowadays?’ Sienna asked, interrupting the point I was making about water birth with a flutter of her fake eyelashes.
‘Ooh, cougar!’ someone else crowed. ‘Love it, Libby. You deserve a bit of fun!’
‘He’s more than a bit!’ a girl everyone called Tiny cackled. ‘Me and Tobes had a load of fun before Courtney came along, if you get me.’
‘Yes, we all get you, thanks, Tiny,’ Nicky called over the hoots and catcalls. She glanced at me, and to my disbelief there was a glint of amusement in her eyes.
‘This is not funny!’ I hissed at her.
‘This is not funny!’ she said to the group, trying not to laugh. ‘Libby is most definitely not bunking up with Toby, or anyone else. Toby is temporarily renting?—’
‘Permanently!’ Toby, supposedly making himself scarce, popped up at the window, brandishing a pair of pruning shears.
‘This class is confidential!’ Nicky called back.
‘Heard my name, didn’t I?’ He winked, leaning against the windowsill.
‘Ooh, Toby, are you back on the market?’ Tiny asked, sticking out her three-days-overdue bump.
‘Nah. Only one girl got my heart,’ he said, nodding to where Hazel was snoozing in her pushchair under a tree. ‘Sorry, ladies. Call me in about eighteen years.’
‘Well, I hope that clears things up,’ Nicky went on. ‘Toby is renting a room from Libby. I’m sure she’d have done the same for any of you, had you needed a place to stay.’
‘Aw, she would have done as well, wouldn’t you, Libby?’ The room buzzed with assent about how lovely and helpful I was, and how I’d do anything for anyone, including giving up my own bed if necessary.
Maybe I was too nice.
‘Am I too nice?’ I asked Dad, when he dropped the kids off after school.
‘I’m not sure that’s the word I’d use,’ he said, gently.
‘What word would you use?’
‘A helpaholic,’ he said, without hesitation.
‘Wow. You’ve thought about this.’
He handed me a glass of juice. It was twenty-eight degrees outside and proving impossible to stay cool.
‘Have you ever considered whether you spend so much time doing things for other people because it provides an excuse not to tackle your own problems?’
‘I’m doing everything I can to help Isla,’ I said, a lump of humiliation in my throat. ‘What problems am I avoiding?’
He shrugged. ‘You tell me. All I know is that my daughter rarely smiles, pretty much never laughs. I can’t remember the last time she expressed being truly content, or happy.’
I almost choked on my juice. ‘I was happy and content this morning!’
I remembered that moment, sitting on the bench with a mug of tea, watching nature do its thing.
‘That’s good to hear. I hope you can find more of those moments.’
I pulled out my phone and set my alarm for six-thirty. An hour earlier than usual. That evening, while Toby cooked a pan of chilli, I scooped up the kids’ uniforms, washed what was dirty and set out what could be worn another day. I checked their school planners and made sure they had everything they needed in their bags. While I washed up, Toby helped them make lunches for tomorrow.
I then used the momentum to choose my outfit for Tuesday’s antenatal class. My nicest jeans and a silky blouse, because Brayden would be there and, while I no longer cared whether he found me attractive or not, I wanted him to think I wasn’t a disaster.
Feeling strangely energised rather than even more tired than usual, instead of slumping in front of the television, I poured myself a modest glass of wine and went into the garden with a book and a blanket. The kids’ windows were open, I would hear if they needed me. Toby and Hazel were nowhere to be seen, and for a long hour, I didn’t even need the book. I sipped my wine, watched the sunset over the treetops and, for the first time in what felt like forever, I simply breathed.