Chapter 25
Resisting the urge to rely on Dad, instead I called Nicky at seven-thirty on Saturday morning. If she were a different sister, I might have waited until a more decent hour on her day off, but if I waited any later, she’d already be busy.
‘What’s happened?’ she answered, in a breathless rush.
‘Nothing! Well. Nothing to worry about. Brayden’s picking the kids up at ten. I don’t suppose you’re free for a coffee or some lunch?’
‘Okay, now I’m definitely worried and therefore I’m also free. I’ll be at yours for ten past ten.’
We decided to walk through Bigley Country Park to the visitor centre, just over a mile away. Partly a concession to Nicky having to cut short her run, and also because it meant I could tick both ‘do some exercise’ and ‘actually spend time outdoors in the woods you chose to live next door to’ off my list for that day.
‘So, why the random meet-up?’ Nicky asked, the second we left the back gate. ‘I’m trying very hard not to panic.’
‘Is it really that unnerving for me to ask if you wanted a coffee?’
‘Beside the fact that I don’t drink caffeine? Yes, sister dear. It is. The last time you did that was probably… oh, crap. You’re not pregnant, are you?’
‘It hasn’t been that long since I invited you out!’
It had probably been that long.
‘Not that you being pregnant would be so terrible,’ Nicky back-pedalled, the leaf shadows dancing across her face masking her expression. ‘Just… well… you’re swamped as it is… Oh my goodness. Please tell me those rumours about Toby aren’t true.’
‘Stop!’ I came to a standstill right in the middle of the path, ducking to the side a moment later to allow a couple of cyclists past. ‘Of course I’m not pregnant. Do you really think I’d have another baby without being in a solid relationship, given how swamped I am? And Toby? What the hell, Nicky?’
‘I know! I know! I didn’t mean it. I just… you haven’t got the best track record when it comes to this stuff, okay? You were halfway through your midwifery degree when you got pregnant with Finn. And can you honestly say you’d have married Brayden if you’d waited a year or two longer?’
‘Wow. You forgot to mention how me falling in love with Jonah also ruined everything. I mean, shall we compare my past screw-ups to some of the questionable choices you made pre-Theo?’
‘I’m sorry, I’m just worried…’
‘Maybe you want to go into more detail about how my children are a mistake?’ I started up along the path again, anger powering me through the trees. ‘Jealously is not a good look. And you wonder why I don’t invite you out for coffee more often?’
‘Wait!’ Nicky called after me. At three inches taller and about a zillion miles of running fitter, she caught up in six strides, pulling me off the path and into a patch of sun-baked grass surrounded by wild blackberry bushes. ‘Wait. I’m sorry. I don’t know why my brain even went there, except maybe I am paranoid and jealous because our third receptionist this year has just gone on maternity leave. But me being worried about you is real. You still seeming so lost has me worried. Brayden and Silva suddenly showing up, pregnant. Jonah, the postcards. I got another one a couple of days ago, by the way. And yes, you moving a random teenager and his baby into your already overloaded, exhausting life has me worried. I’ve been waiting five years for you to either admit you need help or figure out how to rescue yourself. Honestly? It’s hard enough trying not to miss Mum. It kills me to still be missing my sister too.’
‘We see each other twice a week, at least. I came to your barbecue last weekend. I’m not lost.’
Yet another lie, but this conversation felt like a knife being jammed between my ribs because she was right but hadn’t noticed that I was finally doing something about it.
‘Okay. But you’re so stressed and sad and, I don’t know… defeated. Like your life is just crap now, forever, because the dropout ran off with a silly, wannabe influencer.’
I sank onto a log at the edge of the clearing. ‘Do you think Isla’s issues are my fault?’
‘What?’ She baulked at the sudden change of topic, but not quickly enough to hide the confirmation flash across her face first. ‘What makes you think that?’
‘I don’t think that. At least, I didn’t. But Brayden thinks that having a mess of a mother is making Isla anxious. Like, she doesn’t feel safe because our lifestyle is so chaotic.’
‘Ah.’
‘I’m starting to wonder if he’s right. If it’s all my fault. But if it is because of me, then isn’t that his fault, too? He left me to cope as a single mother, and honestly, Nicky, it’s so damn hard.’
We sat for a long moment in the stillness of the forest. The only sound was a bee, industriously buzzing between the blackberry blossoms.
‘Do you really want to know?’
I shook my head. ‘Not if it’s anything like the rest of this conversation. But I think I need to.’
‘You’ve been using the single-mother excuse ever since Brayden left. I accept that I can’t imagine how hard it is to carry the weight of not only the day-to-day parenting but the big stuff, too. I saw you in those first few months, when Isla was still a baby. It was brutal. But they aren’t babies any more. And running a charity doesn’t mean you have to expend every ounce of energy on the people we help. Honestly? I think you busy yourself with work so you can avoid fixing your own life. The run-down cottage that was supposed to be your dream come true. You’re afraid to confront who you’ve allowed yourself to become, or face the pain and struggle of becoming who you want to be. But what do we tell the Bloomers? It is far easier to be a good mum if first and foremost you’re a good woman. We spend so much time drumming into these girls the need to care for themselves, trust themselves. I wish you would listen to your own advice for once.’
‘I have been trying.’ I sniffed. ‘It’s why I phoned you. It hurts that you assumed it was an emergency. Knowing that’s my fault hurts even more.’
‘It kind of is an emergency,’ she said, gently linking her arm through mine. ‘Just a very long, slow one. For one thing, Jonah is back; we need to get you back on track just in case. For another, that postcard terrified me. I will not have Mum turn up to find you wallowing in a dilapidated deathtrap.’
‘Okay, so Toby is fixing the cottage instead of paying rent. And I’ve made a to-do list to DIY myself.’ I showed her the current list on my phone. The latest item was ‘be kind to yourself, dammit’.
‘Nice.’ Nicky nodded her approval.
‘Secondly… I had dinner with Jonah on Thursday night.’
After a few seconds where I genuinely worried one of her eyeballs might pop out, she managed to pull her jaw back up to say, ‘I knew that haircut must be more than an excuse to grill Hazel.’
‘It was meant to be with Ellis, too. A friendly catch-up. But… oh, I don’t know. I’ve been feeling flutters I haven’t felt since… another lifetime.’
Since the last time I hung out with Jonah, was the truth. I’d never felt I-can’t-breathe-eat-sleep-stop-thinking-about-you love for Brayden.
‘Show me that list again.’
I handed her my phone.
‘“Stop pretending I’m busy to avoid Nicky’s smugly superior friends”?’
‘Ah. I’d forgotten about that one. Sorry.’
She laughed. ‘No, some of them can be a bit smug.’ Her face softened. ‘But if you’re not feeling up to going out, please don’t pretend.’
‘What, so you can keep bullying me until I cave?’
‘Precisely.’ She narrowed her eyes in thought. ‘How about this? I’ll come up with some Libby-friendly things to do if you promise not to make up excuses not to do them.’
‘Sounds good.’
‘And I’ll only bring along people who are actually nice. Like Theo, or Shanice.’
‘Deal.’
She scanned the rest of the list. ‘Okay, so the house stuff is moving forwards. You’ve, what, had a bath? Since when is that an achievement?’
‘It was no ordinary bath.’
‘Fair enough. But the rest of these: only watch TV if it’s something you genuinely like; declutter; learn how to love Libby Donahue, or at least start acting like it. I love this list. You’ll be back to old Libby in no time. No. You’ll be a new Libby. One shaped by ten years of work and motherhood.’
‘That’s the plan.’
She got up to keep walking.
‘Do you think I can do it?’
‘Declutter the cottage? I’ll help if you like.’
She turned back when I didn’t reply, quickly assessing my anxious expression.
‘Change your life, one small yet significant choice at a time? Become more like the woman and mum you want to be?’ She reached out a hand to pull me up, rolling her eyes. ‘If those Bloomers can do it, you certainly can.’
I hesitated.
‘Don’t suggest for one second that you think our Bloomers can’t make it. I’ve not wasted all that time, money and tears on one of Libby’s over-optimistic delusions.’
‘Well, given that the woman Josie wants to be is Beyoncé, I don’t think it’s quite the same.’
We laughed so hard it sent echoes vibrating through the leaves above our heads.