Chapter 27
Around an hour later I could tell that Jonah’s brain was getting full. Other than the subject matter, it felt disconcertingly – intoxicatingly – as if we were back in one of our GCSE study sessions. The thrum of electricity, like a storm brewing. When I could focus on potential childbirth scenarios rather than how Jonah’s slender fingers still gripped his pen in the same way, or how the two furrows that appeared between his eyebrows when he was concentrating were that bit deeper, I noted how little Jonah knew about the topic of babies.
‘I’m deducing from all these questions and note-taking that you aren’t a dad.’
He quirked one eyebrow in response. ‘I told you, I’m single.’
‘So am I. I also have two kids.’
He nodded. ‘I always swore that if I ever became a father, I’d do whatever it took to be there, make it work with their mother. But I guess that’s another thing we can’t ultimately control.’
‘You can increase the odds, though. For example, by not marrying the first man who asks, because you’re scared of a future alone and think you don’t deserve anyone better.’
‘You didn’t love Brayden?’
Did I detect a glimmer of hope in his voice?
‘No, I did. Just not that much. And neither of us gave it time to see if that would be enough.’
‘You don’t think love’s enough?’ The forehead furrows were back.
‘Not when it’s about a momentary feeling rather than a conscious choice, day in, day out, whether we feel like it or not.’ I sat back, cradling my mug for moral support even though it went cold ages ago. ‘I was so mad about it, after Brayden cheated on me.’
‘He cheated?’
I rolled my eyes. ‘For over a year. He missed Isla’s birth because he was with his other woman.’
‘Idiot,’ Jonah muttered under his breath. Despite the toned-down language, the scowl on his face was so reminiscent of the boy I’d fallen in love with, it knocked me off guard.
‘Yeah, well,’ I went on, once I’d steadied myself, ‘I was just as bad. I grew up witnessing real love every day. My parents loved their foster kids with a devotion that was tough enough to withstand pretty much anything. I refused to question whether Brayden and I could share that kind of love. If he was even capable of it, let alone wanted it with me. Probably because deep down I already knew the answer.’ I paused to take a deep breath. ‘I loved you more than I loved Brayden, and it wasn’t enough. It was stupid to make promises about forever without knowing if we could keep them or not.’
Jonah was staring at me again.
‘Sorry, this is completely inappropriate. You’re here for an antenatal class and I’m rambling on about my failed marriage. I don’t know what I was thinking…’
He remained completely still.
‘I have no idea what you’re thinking now, either…’ I gabbled, starting to gather up the paperwork.
He gave a small shake of his head, mouth twisting ruefully. ‘It’s hard to think anything when I’m with you.’
What?
My hand fumbled the pen it was clutching, sending it rolling off the table and clattering onto the floor.
‘I stopped thinking completely at “I loved you”.’
The air had grown so heavy, hauling it into my lungs felt like a huge effort. Jonah waited, watching me, his face the bland expression that I knew hid a kaleidoscope of emotions.
‘You knew I loved you,’ I said, hunching into my shoulders, brain scrambling to catch up with my pounding heart.
‘I hoped you loved me,’ Jonah replied, his voice a deep rumble. ‘Being with you was the first time I felt remotely lovable.’
‘Are we really going to talk about this?’ I said, so quietly it was almost a whisper.
Jonah’s mouth twitched. ‘About how we felt then, or how we feel now?’
I hadn’t noticed it happen, but we’d ended up right at the corner of the table, so close that, as we angled towards each other, I could feel his controlled exhale, catch the tang of leather that lingered even without his jacket.
I knew that if I stretched out my hand to touch the soft hairs on his forearm, it would feel exactly the same.
‘Although, to be honest,’ he went on, probably because he could tell I was beyond speech, ‘for me, there’s no difference.’
Before I could do anything, there was a sudden noise from behind us.
‘Mum!’
I jumped back about two feet, my chair almost toppling onto the manky linoleum.
‘Finn!’ I wheezed. ‘What are you doing up?’
‘Isla was crying. Didn’t you hear her?’
I mentally shook myself back into the present day, Isla’s wails clear now that Finn had opened the kitchen door. They grew louder as she shuffled down the stairs, appearing in the doorway at the same moment I gathered my wits about me enough to stand up.
‘Mu-u-u-u-u-u-ummy!’ She threw herself against my bare legs, clutching at my dungaree shorts, and I quickly scooped her up into a hug.
‘Did you have a nightmare, darling?’
‘Yes!’ she said, little chest hitching as she mumbled about a mean prince taking her away to his castle, her snotty, tear-stained face buried in my neck.
‘Have you had an accident?’ I whispered, quietly enough for Finn, taking in the scene with narrowed eyes, and Jonah, quietly slipping a stack of handouts into his rucksack, to pretend they hadn’t heard.
‘The prince wouldn’t let me go to the toilet!’ she sobbed, clearly not at all bothered about who might hear. ‘My bed’s all wet, too.’
‘Who is this man?’ Finn demanded in a growl.
‘This is Jonah. His sister’s having a baby but she’s not very well, so he’s having a class by himself.’
‘Since when did brothers do antenatal classes?’ Finn folded his arms across his Nottingham Forest pyjamas.
‘Since the sister lives with her brother, so he wants to learn about how to take care of a baby, too. So he can help her.’
‘I don’t believe you!’ Finn shouted. ‘You do classes in the cabin not in the kitchen and you were about to kiss that man. I saw you.’
‘Kissing?’ Isla squealed. ‘Mummy, I think he’s the bad prince. He looks mean and scary!’
I turned to Jonah, Isla clinging to me like an overheated baby koala as she whimpered, her nightie damp under my hand. Finn had rummaged through a random drawer and was now brandishing a potato masher.
‘I’ll leave you to it.’ Jonah managed a polite smile. ‘Thanks for the class, it’s been extremely informative.’
‘Hang on!’ He was almost at the front door when I hurried after him, Isla bouncing against my midriff. ‘I have to ask you something.’
Jonah turned, one hand on the doorknob, which seemed like a sensible move given that I was angling my hip to prevent Finn, now holding a ladle in his other hand, from pushing past me.
‘What job do you do?’ I asked, feeling as ridiculous as I must have sounded.
‘Um. I teach at Charis House.’
‘You’re a teacher?’
Charis House was another one of those rare, magical places, like the Green House, that welcomed young people who’d otherwise run out of options. It was infamous for helping lost, angry teenagers to uncover their passion, decide on a purpose and then develop the skills, training and self-belief to have a go at it. A good few of my foster siblings had spent time there, studying textiles, catering or construction.
‘How?’
Jonah nodded at the limpet clinging to my neck. ‘You want to talk about this now?’
‘No! Not now. Not ever!’ Finn yelled, stretching up on tiptoes to glare over my shoulder.
‘No. I’m sorry…’ I risked holding Isla with one arm so I could reach back and put the other one around Finn. I’ll message you, I mouthed. Sorry.
Jonah’s eyes met mine for one heart-faltering moment, he gave the smallest of nods, and was gone.
It was too late to message Jonah by the time I’d put the weapons back in the utensil drawer, changed both Isla and her bed and settled the children back to sleep, only managing to ease their anxiety by explaining that Jonah had once been my foster brother ‘Auntie Nicky used to call him Bronah!’ I laughed, ignoring the boulder of guilt as I presented a highly filtered account of why this strange man was in my house in what to them was the middle of the night.
‘Is he going to start sleeping here, like Toby?’ Isla asked, causing all sorts of images to tumble through my head.
‘No! Why would you ask that?’ I tucked the clean duvet up around her shoulders.
‘Well, if his sister can’t look after her baby then maybe he could live here, too. Like Toby and Hazel.’
‘Jonah has his own house to live in. He’ll take care of his sister and her baby, if she’s not better by then.’
‘That’s nice.’ She nuzzled down even deeper. ‘I think he might be a good prince. In disguise as a bad one. A bit like the Beast.’ It took me a second to realise she was talking about the Disney animation.
‘Well, actually he’s a teacher.’ A teacher! I still couldn’t believe it. ‘But otherwise, you might be right.’