Chapter 29
I collapsed into bed around eleven, determined to keep up with the new system and get some sleep, despite the evening’s events swirling around my head like overexcited butterflies.
Had I imagined it? Or misinterpreted what he said? Because, if my recollection was at all correct, Jonah King had not only told me that he found it hard to think around me, but he had also said that he still felt the same now as he did then. And back then, he had loved me.
Or, at least, he’d thought he did. A broken, mixed-up seventeen-year-old’s version of love, anyway.
But while I’d had no idea where Jonah was after he’d moved out of our house, and no way to find out, he’d known my address and had my number.
I had messaged him a few times, but he hadn’t replied, and I hadn’t had the courage to keep trying, so I’d concluded that I was a convenient distraction while his life was flipped upside down. Back then, I had hoped this revelation would make the situation easier to bear, but it had only made me feel worse about being reckless enough to have messed everything up for something that wasn’t even real.
So what did that mean now?
Was Jonah playing around, flirting with me for fun? Did he blame me for what had happened and was looking to reel me in to break my heart again?
Was he any more capable of true love now than he had been then?
The more time I spent with Jonah King, the more I realised that, whoever he’d become, he still had the power to decimate my heart, if he chose to.
My phone buzzed.
Hey
Jonah.
My heart instantly shot into the back of my mouth.
I hope it’s not too late to message
I held my breath and did what I’d always done when it came to him – said exactly what I was thinking, before I had a chance to really think it.
Ooh, only by about thirteen years
He replied instantly.
Ouch
But, as you will have by now deduced, I’m still awake
I hope the kids aren’t still up?
Just me. Kind of hard to sleep when your first love confesses that he can’t think when he’s with you
Which is ironic. Considering that when I’m not with you, you’re all I can think about
My fingers froze on the keypad.
After about half a minute, Jonah messaged again.
Sorry. That was too much. I sound like a total sleaze.
You’re still one of the only people I can be completely open with. I’ve missed it.
I’ve missed you
I reminded myself that I had children now, responsibilities. I couldn’t slip back into an ancient, doomed romance without thinking it through. The first time I’d lost my heart to Jonah had hurt enough people. I couldn’t risk doing that to Finn and Isla.
I counted to ten, decided that was enough thinking, and replied.
I’ve missed you too
Two seconds later my phone rang.
‘Really?’ The last time I’d heard Jonah sound breathless, I’d been in his bed.
‘So, we are going to talk about this?’ I asked, feeling giddy.
‘I never stopped loving you, Libby.’
I buried myself further under my duvet. The night air wafting through my open window was fresh and clean from an earlier rainstorm. An owl hooted in the distance.
‘I’m not that girl any more. You don’t even know me now.’
‘I’ve spent two evenings with you. Seen you at work, and with your children. It might not be enough for my head to determine how much you’ve changed and who you are now. But my heart inconveniently refuses to care about that.’
‘Sometimes I wonder if I ever knew the real you before. Let alone now.’
‘Libby, you were the only person on this planet who knew the real me.’
There was a brief silence.
‘I would give anything to have the chance for us to get to know each other properly again.’
‘I have so many questions,’ I said, my voice trembling, because I was terrified and elated all at the same time. I still couldn’t quite believe that I was talking to Jonah, let alone talking about this. ‘But this all feels so much, so fast. It’s overwhelming.’
I couldn’t afford to get swept up in my attraction for Jonah again. I needed space and time to allow my head to stop spinning before things went too far.
‘I want to give you all the answers.’ I could hear him smiling back. ‘But however much I’m compelled to, we don’t need to rush. I have to persuade a group of school-phobic kids to try Shakespeare tomorrow, and I’ve met those Bloomers. You can’t face them after barely any sleep.’
I couldn’t help a small laugh. ‘I can’t recall the last time I had a good night’s sleep.’
That wasn’t true. The memory hit me with a sudden, vivid intensity that sparked a wave of longing so powerful I had to close my eyes.
‘Really? I remember you sleeping through two alarms and panicked pounding on my bedroom door.’
Of course he remembered, too.
‘Like I said, I’ve changed.’
‘How about just one question each tonight? You go first.’
‘Did you hate me, for being yet another person who’d ruined things for you?’ Once again, my words slipped out before I could consider them.
‘I told you, I never stopped loving you.’
‘I caught my husband cheating on me. I know how possible it is to love and hate someone at the same time.’
‘Then no. I was the one who ruined things. Not you. And what you gave me – that tiny shred of hope that I wasn’t the pointless freak I’d convinced myself I was. That someone like you could see something worth loving in me? Libby, you were the first person who made me want to survive, not for Ellis or Billy, but for me. You saved me.’
I suddenly felt as though I had more room to breathe, as something that had been lurking deep down inside me, a tight coil of guilt and sorrow, unfurled and slipped away.
‘Okay. My turn.’ Jonah took in a deep breath. ‘I mean, I was going to ask something like what’s your favourite film, or when did you set up the Baby Bloomers. But seeing as you set the tone… Did your parents ever forgive me?’
He might as well have reached down the phone line and punched me in the chest.
‘Honestly? They never spoke about it.’ I gripped the phone tighter. ‘But I’m not sure my mum ever got over you having to leave. Or that Ellis and Billy didn’t get to live with us, either. But if she blamed anyone, it was me.’
‘That doesn’t make sense. They made it clear they blamed the older bad-boy for leading their innocent daughter astray.’
‘That was in the heat of the moment. You know it’s not how foster carers really think. You were a vulnerable young person. I knew the rules and I definitely should have known better.’
‘Wow. So they decided you took advantage of me?’
‘Like I said, we never spoke about it.’
‘I really did screw everything up, didn’t I?’
‘Some might say the only way we screwed up was by getting caught.’
Another heavy silence.
‘I wasn’t ready for you. For us. I’d have destroyed things eventually, one way or another. All I’ve been able to hope in the years since is that getting caught up in my determination to destroy myself didn’t end up damaging you.’
I thought about my parents living separate lives. The postcards. My rushed marriage and inevitable divorce.
Two precious children. A charity that changed lives, helped families stay together against the odds, unlike my own.
A woman, lost and lonely, trapped under the weight of a List of a Billion Things to Do.
But then, a new list, new hope. A new haircut and a repaired shower curtain.
‘The ramifications were tough. I won’t lie. Although much tougher for you. But knowing that someone once considered me worth risking everything for? If I saved you, then you saved me, too. Maybe not then, but countless times since.’
I felt rather than heard him take a deep breath in, readying his reply. I knew him well enough to speak before he had the chance.
‘Don’t say it.’
I squeezed my eyelids shut, holding back the tears.
If Jonah told me he loved me again, I’d find it impossible not to believe him. I still had so many questions. Far too many fears.
‘Don’t say goodnight?’
I smiled, shaking my head even though he couldn’t see.
‘A couple of hours ago my son was brandishing a ladle at the bad prince. Even if your heart thinks I haven’t changed that much, my life has. If we’re going anywhere with this, we have to take it slowly and keep it light.’
‘If?’
‘When.’
‘Another question tomorrow night?’
‘Maybe a bit earlier. I have a private class that finishes at nine-thirty.’
‘I’ll call you at ten.’
‘Okay.’
‘Sleep well, Libby.’
It was almost midnight. My alarm was set for six-thirty.
It was the best night’s sleep I’d had since the last time Jonah King had wished me goodnight.