Chapter 32
I felt about a stone lighter over the next few days. Letting go of the dregs of my bitterness towards Brayden, flipping my perspective onto what I’d gained, and he’d lost, as a result of his selfish choices, made everything seem different. It was hard to believe that only a few weeks ago I was treading water, clinging onto Dad for dear life and in everyone else’s business so I could ignore how defeated and lonely I was.
‘Have you been secretly meeting Jonah without telling me?’ Nicky asked through narrowed eyes during our Wednesday lunchbreak. I was relieved to see that she was cradling Bolt, Daisy’s baby, without appearing as if she wanted to run away with him or start sobbing. ‘You look strangely well.’
‘Nope,’ I said, which was the truth. Phone calls didn’t count, did they? ‘Look at me, Nicky. And you should see my house. Isla didn’t cry once today. I went along to the quiz night at the pub with Dad and Janet last night, and a mum from school insisted I join her team instead of hanging with a load of old codgers – that’s not an insult, it’s Dad’s team name. I spent the evening having fun – fun! – with people my own age who aren’t even pregnant, and then came home and slept for six hours straight. I have a list of meals for the week stuck on my fridge, and none of them include processed nasties. I think I might actually be starting to remember what happy feels like.’
‘Okay, that’s all great and I’m thrilled for you and everything, but can we get back to why the heck you haven’t seen Jonah?’
On Friday, I picked up a dismantled shelving unit that someone in the village had been giving away for free. While Toby sanded, stained and straightened it out, I spent the weekend sorting through the mess in the living room, ruthlessly whittling it down to what could be neatly tidied away, the kids helping me because Brayden and Silva were busy at a wedding. I spent half a minute flicking through their posts on Instagram, made a mental note that Silva’s baby bump had definitely dropped since Tuesday’s class, winced at how hard Brayden was trying to look as though he was enjoying himself despite the panic behind his eyes, and then blocked their account.
One reason I hadn’t seen Jonah was because Ellis still hadn’t come back to Bloomers. We’d spoken a couple more times on the phone, and it was clear that the stress of watching his sister slide back into self-implosion was wearing him down.
‘You need to do something fun,’ I said on Saturday evening, keen to share the benefits of my newfound wisdom.
‘I am. I’m talking to you. And after that, I’ve got the new Brandon Sanderson, plus a giant box of Maltesers to eat while I’m reading it.’
‘While glancing at the clock every ten seconds, anxiously waiting to see if Ellis comes home?’ I leant back against the new cushion on my restored garden bench. It was a perfect summer evening, still light at nine-thirty and the air sweet and gentle. ‘Swap the book for a film and throw in a tub of Pringles and you’ve just described my Saturday nights for the past five years. Minus the phone call. I’m not judging, but it’s not what you need right now. You should go out, somewhere you can forget about everything for a couple of hours.’
‘Libby Franklin, are you asking me out on a date?’ He replied using my maiden name, as if without thinking, but the words hung between us with the weight of a whole potential future.
‘Um…’ Was I? Did I mean with me? I stared up at the cerulean sky and tried to remind myself of all the reasons why now was not the time to get entangled in a heady romance. All I heard was an imaginary Nicky sarcastically pointing out that according to me there was never a good time, so I might as well choose a bad one.
‘I mean, I suppose I could find someone else to have fun with, if you think it would help…’
‘We agreed to keep it light. We can do a light date, can’t we? A walk or a drink somewhere wouldn’t be a big deal.’
What a fib. Any time with Jonah was a humongous deal. Let alone one classed as an official date.
Before I could wait for his reply, someone knocked on the front door.
Given how late it was, for a panicked couple of seconds I wondered if it was another Toby looking for a place to stay. Maybe word had got around that the antenatal teacher took in stray parents.
For another horrible moment I wondered if it was Mum. Then I heard an all-too-familiar voice calling out.
‘Liz? Libby? Lizbeth?’
Please, no.
‘Keep your voice down,’ I shout-whispered, rushing around the side of the cottage. ‘Finn and Isla are in bed.’
‘Liz. Oh, thank goodness. I really need to see you,’ Brayden whined, even louder.
I opened the front door then jostled Brayden into the living room. He was wearing a white shirt, unbuttoned halfway down his waxed chest, and a pair of red and yellow checked trousers that reminded me of Rupert the Bear. He’d clearly come straight from the wedding.
‘What the hell do you think you’re doing, turning up at my house completely bladdered?’
‘Sorry. Sorry. I’m sorry,’ he slurred, slumping onto the sofa, gripping his bowed head with both hands.
Closing the door into the hallway, I took a slow, practised breath. ‘Sorry about what?’
‘I don’t think I can do it.’
I was too irritated to start grilling him on something I had no interest in talking about, but he drivelled on anyway.
‘You were right, last week, about when the kids were born. I flaked. It was so much pressure, you know? Like, my youth was over. Boom! I suddenly had no freedom. I was trapped. And no man can stand being trapped, Liz. It’s fundamental human nature. We instinctively fight to escape.’
‘Right. Despite all the dads who stay, and see their children as a joy and a blessing, rather than a prison,’ I said, with a hint of a growl.
‘Exactly!’ He waved a flaccid finger at me. ‘That’s it. All those other dads stay. But I couldn’t hack it. We were at this wedding, and it was all “I’ll love you forever and ever” and I started thinking about how I meant that, when I said it to you, but then as soon as Finn was born, I panicked. I know I was only a kid.’
‘You were older than me!’
‘But what if that wasn’t it? What if I just don’t like being a full-time dad? If Silva and me can’t have all the fun stuff, the parties and everything, then what if there’s nothing good left?’
‘Apart from a baby, you mean?’
‘Yeah. Apart from a baby I might not even like.’
‘And your two other children.’
‘Yeah.’
‘I’m going to ask you again, Brayden. Why the hell are you here, talking to me about this?’
He looked up, face drooping like a bloodhound. The pity I’d felt for him earlier had just about evaporated along with my patience.
‘Well, I can’t talk to Silva, can I?’
‘She’s your partner! She’s the first person you should be talking to. How do you think she’ll feel about you absconding from a wedding to cry on your ex-wife?’
‘I had to ask you! You saw how I handled it the first time and you’re not just my ex-wife, you’re my antenatal teacher. You know about this stuff, so you can tell me how to do it differently.’
‘You want me to tell you how not to be a total waster of a dad like you were to our children? How to man-up, and do a half-decent job this time, rather than running off with a woman you met at the gym?’
He nodded, eagerly. ‘Yes. Please tell me. I’ll pay you as an extra class, if you like.’
I opened the door to the living room again. ‘Go home, Brayden.’
‘You aren’t going to give me any advice?’ He looked like a puppy I’d kicked in the face. ‘You said now the course has finished we can call you if we’ve any more questions.’
‘That’s the best advice I can give you. And I said call, not turn up at my house, drunk.’
I shooed him out and stood there for a moment, one hand pressed against my forehead.
‘Wow.’
The sound of Jonah’s voice startled me, and then I remembered I’d slipped my phone into my dungarees top pocket as I’d run around the side of the house.
‘You heard that?’
Of course he had; I’d forgotten to hang up, and he’d been on speakerphone.
‘Sorry. I thought it best to stick around in case things got nasty.’
‘Right. Thank you.’
‘Are you okay?’
I slid onto the now spotlessly tidy floor, resting my back against an armchair. ‘Yes. I have a lot of opinions about Brayden, but I’ve decided not to give him the power to determine if I’m okay or not.’
‘I can’t help wondering how on earth you ended up marrying him. You were smarter than that at sixteen.’
‘Maybe. But then my world imploded, and I was not smart for a long time.’
He was silent for a few heartbeats. ‘I can’t tell you how sorry I am for putting you through that.’
‘I think we’ve already clarified that, due to me being a functioning human being capable of making her own decisions, you were not to blame for what I chose to do. Crediting yourself for my crappy marriage really is taking your newfound ego a bit far.’
‘Are you ready to tell me about it yet? What happened after I left?’
I switched off the speaker and pressed the phone to my cheek. ‘Maybe that’s something we should do face to face, not over the phone.’
‘Perfect. I’ll cook you dinner.’
As much as that offer made me smile, I forced myself to take a moment. My stomach was still twisted in knots from the conversation with Brayden, and I wasn’t about to ruin my recent progress by making a rash decision I could regret later.
‘Talking through our painful past is a very weird premise for a first date.’
‘It’s not a date, then. Just the curry I promised you thirteen years ago. We can save our light date for next time.’
Jonah had been waiting thirteen years for me. There was nothing remotely light about any of this.