Chapter 3 #2
So, it’s this forum where people share stories that show what’s good about humanity.
And I was in a bit of a dark space after my last breakup.
For a few weeks, it was like my brain could only focus on all the negative stuff, like the wars, climate disasters, and the way people tear each other apart online over the stupidest things.
Every time I opened my phone, it was just evidence that people suck and nothing good lasts.
It feels weird typing this. Weird and also terrifying?
I hadn’t even told Jade or Teddie how low I’d been feeling.
I’m sure they thought it was just normal post-breakup blues, but it had felt more existential than that at the time.
Like Chad cheating on me had ripped some protective filter off my brain, and suddenly, I could see the cracks in everything.
Every couple on the street? Probably lying to each other.
Every friend? Potential betrayal waiting to happen.
Every politician, every CEO, every person with any power at all?
Just waiting for their chance to abuse it.
NickKnackPaddyWhack
The idea of the forum is to not only be a passive observer, but to interact and support other people.
And when you do that, when you take the time to appreciate someone else’s story or leave a comment that might brighten their day, it actually makes you feel better too.
And I guess making other people feel seen helped me feel less invisible?
God, that sounds pathetic typed out. But it’s true.
After I press send, I put my phone down and press my palms against my eyes.
What did I just do? I don’t tell people this stuff. Jade thinks I bounced back from Chad within a few weeks. Teddie thinks I’m fine. My parents definitely think I’m fine because I’ve gotten very, very good at performing fine.
And some guy on Instagram, whose face I’ve never seen, now knows more about my post-breakup spiral than anyone in my actual life.
My phone sits there, screen dark, holding all my worst moments in a little chat bubble waiting to be judged.
Three dots appear, and my heart rate spikes like I’ve just been jumpscared. Which, emotionally speaking, I kind of have. By myself. Because I’m the one who decided to have a feelings dump in someone’s DMs on a random Tuesday night.
AntD
That doesn’t sound pathetic. What’s the forum’s name?
Something loosens in my chest. Like a knot just quietly untied itself.
NickKnackPaddyWhack
It’s called ShareYourGlow. It’s based on the idea that all humans have a light worth sharing, and you can only fully glow by making others shine brighter too.
AntD
I like that idea. What type of stories are on there?
NickKnackPaddyWhack
All types of stories. There are all these different threads, which they call lightbeams. Like, there’s one about random acts of kindness from strangers, another about people overcoming obstacles. Those kinds of things.
Now is not the time to tell him that one of my favorite beams is QueerWaystoFallinLove. That would be revealing too much. But reading about strangers finding connections in the weirdest, most random ways? It made me believe that maybe—eventually—I’d get my own story too.
AntD
I’ll definitely check it out.
Is he just indulging me by pretending to be interested? The way people do when you accidentally trauma-dump at a party and they nod sympathetically while their eyes scan the room for an escape route?
There’s one way to test it. See if he’s willing to meet me where I just went.
NickKnackPaddyWhack
Now it’s your turn to tell me something you’ve never told anyone before.
I watch the dots as he types, barely breathing.
AntD
Okay, here’s something. I have this habit of mentally rehearsing conversations before they happen. Not just important ones. Like, I’ll plan out what I’m going to say to the barista. Word for word. And if the other person goes off script from what I expect them to say, I kind of freeze.
I think it’s because I’m terrified of being caught off guard. Of someone seeing me fumble and realizing I don’t actually have my shit together. So I’m constantly performing a more polished version of myself.
You’re the first person I don’t do that with. These messages, I just…send them. Without editing them fifteen times first. I don’t know why that is.
NickKnackPaddyWhack
Yeah, I’m the same. I’m pretty sure you’ve realized I just blurt out whatever shit is in my head, right?
Although I do edit my message, but only because my spelling is so atrocious that you wouldn’t be able to understand me otherwise.
AntD
Bold of you to assume I can always understand you, even WITH the spell check.
NickKnackPaddyWhack
Hey, consider my creative grammar a gift. It keeps you engaged. You never know what adventure awaits in my next message.
Will there be a complete sentence? A comma splice? A mysterious semicolon I don’t fully understand? Nobody knows. Not even me.
AntD
For what it’s worth, deciphering your messages has become my favorite hobby.
I stare at those words for way too long. My heart is doing something stupid again. I really need to get that checked out.
And it makes me realize how invested I’m getting in this.
This isn’t real. It can’t be real.
But god, I want it to be.