12. Chapter 12
Chapter twelve
Lance
The door unlocks, and as soon as the knob turns, I shove against it to force it open. Roman’s face is in shock as I force my way into his space. This isn’t what he’s used to. People bend to will of Roman Easton, not the other way around.
“What the fuck was that? Hmm?“ I demand as I push against his chest until he’s back against the hallway wall. He’s bigger than I am, by a long shot, but he still follows me movement for movement the way an orchestra blindly follows the conductor.
The realization that we’ve somehow found this balance of give and take with each other kind of steals my breath.
We’ve started confiding in one another and seeking out each other in times of need.
Somewhere along the way, on this broken fucking winding road, Roman and I have started to trust one another, and that’s something that I thought would never be possible.
It’s not all-encompassing, by any means, but it seems we’ve managed to lay the groundwork for some kind of relationship.
Errr, friendship? Situationship? Something.
His back bumps into the wall, his eyelashes fluttering as he tries to comprehend what’s happening.
Don’t ask me. I’m simply running on instincts at this point.
I’m just as clueless as he is. All I know is that this is the first place I wanted to run to.
There was a desire that I couldn’t ignore to be here, with him, and that scares me.
“I— What I said… I didn’t mean it,” he stutters out. “I was just trying to—”
I drop to my knees, reaching up to fumble with the button on his pants. His eyes follow my movements, but his face tells me exactly how confused he is right now. He’s still trying to get a grasp on what’s going on. Am I mad? Am I hurt? Am I satisfied? Am I proud? That is a very good question.
Did his words sting? Yes, absolutely.
Did they turn me on? Also, yes. Inexplicable so.
Just as I manage to stop making a fool of myself and get the button unfastened, his hands take ahold of mine. I glance up at him as he brings my movements to a halt. His eyes are stern and convey exactly how nonnegotiable this is.
“No,” he demands with a scowl as he pulls me back to my feet.
“What? Why? I thought that’s what you—” I start, but a finger presses over my lips to silence me.
My thoughts begin to swirl around in every direction.
Did I get the wrong idea? Does he not want me?
Oh God. Was he not serious? He didn’t actually want to teach me anything; he was just fucking with me. This was some big jok—
“I want give and take. We’re not just going to do this your way, pretty boy.”
The relief that floods my system is instantaneous, and kind of alarming. I love that Roman always knows when my thoughts are spiraling and takes control. He always calms the voices in my head.
He spins me around and points to his bedroom, pushing against my back until my feet start to move in that direction.
My eyes trail over his living room as my feet carry me through his space.
Shit is scattered everywhere, and his desk is a mess.
The chaos matches my insides right now, and while I want to ask what happened, I can’t seem to focus on anything else right now.
My body starts seizing up, and suddenly all the exuberance that I arrived here with is urgently draining away.
This time, it’s not the thought of being in his room that’s freaking me out, it’s the fact that I don’t know what he’s planning to do to me.
“Wait, wait, wait…” I urge as I try to spin back around, but his arms force me to keep moving in the direction he wants.
I’m not ready for this. I didn’t mentally prepare to do anything.
Hell, I didn’t even mentally prepare for what I came here to do, whatever my original intentions were.
Did I even have any? I honestly can’t remember.
“We aren’t having sex, but I’m going to touch you, Lance. The first thing you need to learn is how to let other people please you.”
“I never said that I was agreeing to the arrangement,” I halt my steps to try to fight against this, but he just walks into me until I’m forced to move again.
“You showed up at my door and immediately dropped to your knees. Unless you’re trying to tell me that you came here to start some kind of relationship, that seems like consent to me.”
“Fuck no!” I blurt out as I glance over my shoulder at him. A hurt expression that’s laced with confusion washes over his face before he opens up his bedroom door. His reaction gives me an icky feeling inside, and I have the desire to clarify despite the fact that I don’t necessarily have to.
“I mean… I don’t do relationships. Or love. Or any of that. With anyone. Ever.“ I ramble out as he spins me around.
“Hmmm… we’ll circle back to that later.“ He murmurs before gently pushing me down on his bed. “Right now, we’re focusing on you.”
Roman looks like a giant standing above me, and it’s just as intimidating as it sounds.
I try to worm my way farther up the bed, but he grabs me by my ankles and pulls me back toward him.
My shirt bunches up around my chest and he runs his hands along my flesh before he reaches for the button of my jeans.
He stops, pausing to get my approval first.
“This is your last chance, pretty boy. There’s no ‘maybe’, ‘I’m not sure’, or ‘let me think about it’ after this. You stay, or you leave. Right now. You’re making a choice and whatever you choose, it’s permanent.”
Permanent. The words echo in my brain as my eyes bounce back and forth between his.
He’s waiting, so damn patiently, as I debate the implications of what’s happening.
I’ve already sucked his dick, so it’s not like I need to worry about us not having chemistry.
That shit is off the charts. It’s been nearly fucking intolerable how bad I’ve been craving him.
Thinking about what we did the other night sends desire snaking through every inch of my body, but…
is that enough? We’re a mess. We’ve always been a mess.
I don’t know how we’re going to manage to be serious with each other long enough to make this work, but Roman has clearly been putting in the effort.
He’s been super attentive and sweet. Could we actually do this? Is it even possible?
My body is practically vibrating with nerves and desire, and I’m strung so tight that I can’t imagine that this is a wise time to make a choice that could change the course of my entire future.
I know what Roman meant when he said permanent.
He wants me to be all in, or all out. No more back and forth.
It’s a yes or a no. It should be a simple concept.
Should being the key word. I mean, I had every intention of coming over here after lunch and telling him that I agreed to his arrangement, that I was going to be doing this anyway, but the truth is that I didn’t spend a lot of time considering the pros and cons of it.
I just saw a different side of Roman, and I wanted it.
I wanted the parts of him that no one else gets to see.
I wanted to be someone special to him. Me.
As I’m lying in his bed with all his attention on me, the exact wrong time for this, I realize that there’s more to this agreement than the surface level of it exposes.
I’ll never be able to undo this. Any of it.
I’m here with him. I’ve already touched his body.
I’ve sucked his dick. He’s seen me in lingerie.
He’s fought my nightmares away and curled me against his chest like a baby.
He’s given me a side of himself that no one else has ever seen before.
All of that? I can’t take any those things back.
Honestly, even if I could, I wouldn’t want to.
I know that I’m being greedy, but I want everything that Roman is offering me and I want every bit of it for as long as he’ll give it to me.
When he says permanent, he means this arrangement officially starts now or it ends now, but it feels like it means something different.
Something deeper. The weight of this decision seems so much more important than it should, as if whatever I decide won’t ever have an ending.
The part about all of this that terrifies me is just how content with that idea I am.
Don’t get me wrong, there are negatives.
Of course there are. If things between the two of us end badly, I would be the one with the shit end of the stick.
He has a lot more authority in this prison than I do, despite how close Ollivander and I are.
No one can really tell Roman Easton what to do, and because of the power he has over the prison security, no one even has a leg to stand on against him.
Maven would never be able to find someone to replace him, and everyone knows that, including him.
Starting this thing with Roman has the potential to cost me everything.
My sanity. My privacy. My freedom. I’d be putting it all on the line, but I shove all those thoughts away and leap as blindly as possible.
If I’m going to ruin my life, I might as well enjoy every single second of it.
Because I want this.
I reach down, shoving his hands out of the way to unbutton my jeans myself. He chuckles at my impatience as I wiggle my hips to free my pants. He inches backward to help pull them down my legs, his eyes locked onto the black lacey panties that were hiding underneath.
“You’re going to be nice, not gentle?“ I reiterate as I struggle to get my legs free.
He nods knowingly as he runs his hands up my thighs and slips them beneath my shirt. “I’ll be anything you want me to be, pretty boy.”
He hums his approval as his fingers skim across the bralette that clings tightly to my chest before pushing my shirt over my head. “God… You’re perfect.” He whispers under his breath.