CHAPTER TEN
L ARK STOOD IN the doorway to the terrace, watching her husband as he sat at the big stone outside table with Maya in his lap. She’d just turned two and Cesare had wanted to do something special to mark the occasion, so they’d had a small afternoon party with a few of her friends from the little play group she attended with Emily.
All their guests had gone now except one: Aristophanes Katsaros, who owned one of the biggest finance companies on the planet and was apparently Cesare’s closest friend.
Lark had been slightly startled that Cesare even had a close friend, let alone that he’d invited him to Maya’s birthday. Especially since Aristophanes had seemed absolutely mystified by the little girl.
He and Cesare were talking now in fast and fluid Italian, and as Lark watched, Maya slid off her father’s lap and toddled over to where Aristophanes was sitting. She tugged on his trouser leg and lifted her arms to him, apparently unafraid of this stern stranger. Cesare laughed as his friend, with obvious reluctance, lifted the child up and gazed at her in apparent bewilderment.
Amusement stole through Lark. Aristophanes was an inch or so taller than Cesare, which put him at nearly six-five, with black hair and the kind of steel grey eyes that looked like storm clouds. He was definitely a...presence. He tended towards unsmiling silence, his grey gaze watchful, but there was something very compelling about him.
Clearly Maya thought so too, because she babbled happily at him, while he stared back in stunned silence.
The afternoon had been a wonderful one, with the little ones running around on the lawn with lots of games and sweet treats. Maya had loved it. She’d especially loved being carried around by her father all day as he showed her off to all the guests like the little princess she was. Lark had felt her heart clench tight in her chest every time.
These past nine months had been so wonderful. Since the night he’d promised her that he wouldn’t be with anyone else, easing her doubts, she’d felt so much more secure. Safe, almost, and she hadn’t been able to say that for a very long time.
Cesare had been a caring, attentive husband, not only keeping her happy at night, but also helping her enrol in university, and supporting her as she worked her way towards an art history degree. She wasn’t sure what she was going to do with it yet, but after her training with Mr Ravenswood, she’d become interested in antiquities and the preservation of them. She was now thinking she might like to do some museum studies, but she wasn’t quite sure yet.
There was no pressure, though. She was creating a life for herself and a home here in Italy with Cesare and she loved it.
She leaned her head against the doorframe, watching him as he finally took pity on Aristophanes and took Maya from him, tossing her into the air a couple of times and making her squeal with excitement. The look on his face was so full of joy it made her chest hurt.
It had been hurting like that for the last few months, whenever she saw him with their daughter. He’d had such a terrible upbringing, with parents who hadn’t cared about him, with one even trying to kill him, yet he hadn’t let that stop him from being the best father to his child. He was so wonderful with her, never letting his own terrible history touch her.
She didn’t understand why he’d ever thought of himself as selfish. She didn’t understand anything when it came to him.
You do. You understand too much.
Her mouth dried, her eyes prickling. Perhaps she did understand. Perhaps she’d been lying to herself all this time, telling herself that she didn’t know what the feeling that gripped her whenever she looked at him with their daughter, whenever he took her in his arms, was.
The feeling that had wound itself around her heart and made itself part of her.
He’d made good on every single promise he’d given her and since that night where they’d talked outside Maya’s room, he’d never given her a single moment’s doubt either.
He made her so happy.
He was beautiful inside and out.
Lark’s vision swam and her throat tightened as she felt that feeling grow bigger, taking up every part of her, making it hard to breathe.
It was love. She knew it with every cell of her being.
Somehow, at some point in the past few months, she’d committed a cardinal sin and fallen in love with her husband.
She turned away, her heart beating far too hard, furiously blinking away her tears.
Love had never been what she wanted—had never been what either of them wanted—and yet it had happened all the same.
He accepted all the passionate feelings that lived inside her that she’d had to keep under control for her mother’s sake, and had never turned away from them, not once. He even liked her anger as he’d told her on more than one occasion.
And all through these difficult months of starting a new life in a new country, he’d been there supporting her. Caring for her and her daughter, damn him.
Now she understood why she’d trusted him the night she had no memory of. Why she’d told him everything, why she’d given herself to him. Perhaps she’d even fallen in love with him that night and now, here she was doing it all over again.
Now, it was all so clear.
He’d made himself so much a part of her life, she couldn’t imagine being without him.
He’d told her that all of this would be his new legacy, a new start for the Donati family, and that was what was important to him. Not Maya and not her. He kept insisting that he was selfish, that he wasn’t a good man, and yet everything he did proved the opposite.
She wanted to show him that. Show him what an incredible man he was and what a fantastic father he’d been, and make him believe it.
She wanted to make him as happy as he’d made her.
She wanted to love him. Yet that was the one thing he didn’t want.
So? What difference does it make? You have a life with him that’s already perfect, so why not keep things as they are?
Lark pushed herself away from the doorframe and stepped into the cool of the salon, trying to get a breath.
She desperately wanted to keep things as they were, but there had been rare occasions where he’d shut himself away in his study or left on a business trip and not asked her to join him. Moments where there were shadows in his blue eyes and a tension in his powerful shoulders. And it was in those moments that she wanted to ask him what was wrong, to help him the way he’d helped her. Soothe him. Love him. But whenever she asked about it, he’d brush it aside, change the subject or simply kiss her and distract her with pleasure.
He wouldn’t let her in and he never would. Because he’d told her right at the start of this marriage, and nothing had changed, not for him.
Yet everything had changed for her. Everything.
Your love wasn’t enough to make your mother happy. Why would it be enough for him?
Tears slid down her cheeks.
It would never be enough. His past was too dark, his wounds too deep. Some hurts couldn’t be healed with a smile and a good mood, and she knew that all too well.
She didn’t know what to do. Leaving him wasn’t an option. Cesare loved his daughter so much, and Maya loved him too, she saw it every day in her daughter’s eyes. Lark would never tear them apart by taking Maya from him, never.
Leaving without Maya also wasn’t an option. She couldn’t bear to leave her child. Her falling in love wasn’t Maya’s fault after all.
But she had to do something, protect herself somehow. Loving someone who didn’t want it was a terrible thing and she didn’t want the relationship she had with Cesare to break down because of her own hurt feelings.
Which left her with only one option. She had to tell Cesare that she couldn’t sleep with him any more, that she couldn’t be his wife, not in that way. Friendship was all she could do, and at the moment she wasn’t even sure she could do that.
It would hurt him. He’d probably be furious, but there wasn’t any other way. Not if she wanted to keep this little life she’d made for herself and Maya.
‘Little bird?’
Cesare’s deep voice, full of warmth and tenderness, came from behind her and she caught her breath, wiping frantically at her eyes.
Then she turned, forcing a smile on her face. ‘What is it?’
He stood in the doorway, casual today in a black T-shirt and worn faded jeans, and she loved him as much in casual clothes as she did when he was in a suit, perhaps even more so.
He looked relaxed, his beautiful mouth curving in a smile he kept just for her. He was so beautiful. Everything about him, from the exquisite planes and angles of his perfect face to his eyes, a deeper blue than even a summer sky.
But even more than his physical beauty, she knew the beauty of his soul. He thought he kept it hidden from her, but she saw it all the same. She saw it in his eyes every time he looked at Maya, even now with wonder, as if he couldn’t believe she existed.
He was a good man. He didn’t believe it, she knew, but he was.
‘I’ve invited Aristophanes to stay for dinner,’ he said. ‘You don’t mind?’
‘No,’ she said, her voice husky. ‘Of course I don’t mind. He’s most welcome to stay.’
A faint frown crossed his brow. ‘Are you all right?’
No, she wasn’t all right. She was desperately in love with him and she didn’t know what to do. Or rather, she did know what to do, she just didn’t want to do it.
Sooner rather than later. You’ll only make it worse for yourself by waiting.
She would, but she couldn’t do it now, not with his friend here.
But even later, after Maya was in bed and Aristophanes had left, she could hardly bring herself to say the words she needed to say. And what made it worse was after they’d both sorted through Maya’s birthday cards, and organised all the new toys she’d got for her birthday, Cesare pulled Lark close in the hallway and ran his hands over her, making it clear what he wanted.
There was no perfect time to tell him of her decision, but...she could have one last time with him, couldn’t she? She could never resist him and one last night to touch him, kiss his beautiful mouth, have him inside her wasn’t so much to ask, was it? He’d been talking about having another child and she couldn’t think of anything she wanted more than to have another of his babies.
Except how could she bring another child into the world whose parents’ relationship was so fraught?
Especially when you already have one who might be hurt by your decision.
No, and there were no good solutions either. Everywhere she turned someone was going to be hurt, no matter how hard she tried to limit the damage.
‘I want you,’ Cesare murmured in her ear, as he kissed his way down her neck, his hands stroking down her sides. ‘Let me take you to bed, little bird.’
And abruptly Lark was tired of thinking about it, tired of the pain shredding her heart. She wanted him, wanted this, and if it was the last time, so be it. She’d take it.
‘Yes,’ she whispered and let herself relax against his chest as he picked her up and took her upstairs to their bedroom.
As he set her down next to the bed, his hands already at the zip of her dress, she abruptly pulled away. Her heart was beating far too fast and she was desperate for him in a way she hadn’t felt before, but she wanted to do this her way.
‘No,’ she said huskily, turning to face him. ‘Let me undress you first. I want to touch you.’
He smiled, the beauty of it making her ache. ‘Be my guest.’
He never denied her anything when it came to sex, yet part of her wished he’d deny her now, because this was only going to make it harder for her.
Still, she stepped up close to him, taking the hem of his T-shirt in her hands and drawing it up slowly, exposing his flat, chiselled stomach and smooth olive skin. Then she lifted it higher and he raised his arms, helping her get the fabric off the rest of the way.
Dropping the T-shirt on the floor, she then let her hands wander over his bare chest, feeling the hard muscle beneath his warm satiny skin and the crisp prickle of hair.
He felt so amazing. He always did.
Leaning forward she kissed her way along his pecs, her fingers trailing down to his narrow hips, then toying with the buttons of his jeans. He made a delicious sound of male satisfaction, one of his large warm hands cradling the back of her head as she continued to kiss her way down his rock-hard torso, undoing his jeans then sliding her hands inside.
He growled, his fingers clenching tight in her hair as she took the long, thick, hard length of him in her hand, stroking him, teasing him.
She loved him. She loved his body and the sounds he made. The way he touched her when he was aroused. And he should know that he was loved, know that he was cared for. No one had ever cared for him; no one had loved him. She couldn’t bear it.
She didn’t want to ruin this moment by telling him, but she would show him. She would worship him the way he deserved to be worshipped.
Kneeling at his feet, she slid his jeans down over his hips, taking his underwear with them, and he stepped out of the fabric, finally, gloriously naked.
Lark ran her hands up his powerful thighs to the hard length of his sex. He was beautiful there too and he should know it. She leaned forward and took him in her mouth, tasting his delicious flavour, all salt and musk and heat.
He made another deep growling sound, his fingers a fist in her hair as she drew him in deep. ‘My beautiful wife.’ His voice was low and rough. ‘You make me so hungry.’
He made her hungry too. He made her want more. He made her want everything. But she couldn’t ask that of him, not when he’d been so clear what love meant to him.
It wasn’t his fault she wanted something more.
Eventually he got impatient and pulled her up from where she knelt, tossing her on the bed and following her down, pinning her beneath him. ‘Now,’ he murmured. ‘Where were we?’ Then he pulled her clothing off and she helped, desperate to have nothing between them but skin.
So when he reached for a condom in the bedside table drawer, she stopped him. ‘No,’ she said when he looked down at her in surprise. ‘You wanted another child. Let’s try for one.’ She could give him this gift, couldn’t she?
But what about your decision?
Maybe she didn’t have to leave him now. Maybe she’d wait to see if she was pregnant and then make a decision. She just hadn’t realised how much it would hurt.
Cesare smiled at her and it was as if the sun had come up on a bitter winter landscape, the promise of summer and warmth and life.
It made her want to cry, but instead she reached up and pulled his mouth down on hers, kissing him desperately, gasping in pleasure as he slid inside her.
He felt so right. So perfect. She wanted to keep him there for ever.
She wound her legs around his waist, holding him where he was, and when he put his hands on either side of her head and looked down into her eyes, she stared back. She couldn’t help herself.
He began to move, deep and slow, and she could see the pleasure glow bright in his gaze, and the hunger too.
His eyes were so blue.
She loved him so much.
She wanted to tell him so, but she couldn’t do that now. He’d stop and she didn’t want him to stop. Instead, she raised her hand and touched his beautiful face the way she had on the plane that day, so long ago now. Tracing his features as he moved inside her, the pleasure growing deeper and deeper.
‘Lark,’ he said softly, turning to brush his mouth over her fingertips. ‘My little bird.’
Yes, she was his. She’d be his for ever; she knew it deep in her soul.
The orgasm hit her without warning, hard and fast and when it did, she had to bury her face in his neck to stop the tears that came along with it.
Cesare felt the orgasm hit, pleasure pouring through him, and he couldn’t move for long moments. Not that he wanted to. He was quite happy with Lark lying beneath him, all soft and hot, her legs wrapped around his waist, her face turned against his neck.
Every part of him was relaxed and heavy with physical satiation, pleasure echoing through him, yet something was bothering him and he couldn’t figure out what.
Then he realised that Lark was weeping.
Shock cut through the pleasure like a knife, and he moved off her, lying on his side and looking down at her. Tears were rolling down her cheeks. She turned away, flinging an arm across her eyes as if she was trying to hide from him.
His chest tightened and he grabbed her arm, pulling it away so he could see her face. It was flushed and wet with tears.
‘Lark?’ he demanded, rougher than he’d intended. ‘Did I hurt you?’ Fear gripped him. Had he done something terrible? He must have to make her weep like this. ‘Lark,’ he said again, trying to pull her close. But she wriggled out of his grip, turning away.
He stared at her, bewildered by her sudden change in mood. She’d been so passionate and hungry for him just before, her eyes full of some unearthly light that had gripped him by the throat and hadn’t let go. She had never seemed more lovely to him.
Yet something had changed and he wanted to know what.
‘Lark,’ he repeated, sharper this time. ‘What’s going on?’
She was still a moment, then he heard her take a deep breath and turn back to him. Her cheeks were wet, her lovely green eyes red. ‘I’m sorry, Cesare,’ she said thickly. ‘But I can’t do this any more.’
He stared at her, not understanding. ‘What do you mean? You can’t do what?’
‘I can’t be your wife, not like this.’
A feeling of foreboding began to gather inside him. She’d touched him reverently. Kissed him as though he were precious, and no one had ever done that to him before. No one had ever held him as if he mattered, as if he was important.
But even so, there had seemed something deliberate about the time she’d spent doing it. As if she was savouring it, savouring him. Then that light in her eyes as he’d slid inside her that he didn’t understand. It had looked like grief.
It was a goodbye.
He went cold all over. ‘Tell me what you’re actually saying,’ he demanded. ‘ Exactly what you’re saying.’
‘I can’t keep sleeping with you.’ She sat up abruptly and turned, slipping off the bed. ‘I can’t keep being...intimate with you. That has to end.’
‘What?’ He stared at her in bewilderment. ‘Why?’ And then, in a hot flare of jealousy, he scowled. ‘Have you found someone else?’
‘No, no, nothing like that.’ She was dressing and he found it unbearable all of a sudden. He reached out over the mattress, catching her hands and pulling her back down on the bed again.
‘Tell me,’ he growled, turning her over and pinning her beneath him. ‘Why can’t you sleep with me any more? And why are you crying?’
She swallowed, her jaw tight. ‘Let me go, Cesare.’
‘No. Did I do something to hurt you? What?’
‘Yes,’ she burst out suddenly, passionately. ‘You did do something. You made me fall in love with you.’
The words echoed around the room, a slow horror dawning inside him.
‘Love?’ he echoed stupidly.
Her eyes glittered and this time she didn’t look away. ‘I know you don’t want it and I know you said love would never be any part of this marriage and I thought I was fine with that, but... I’m not. I love you, Cesare. I love you so much.’
This time, he was the one who pushed himself away from her as if she’d burned him, horror deepening, the anger that he’d thought he’d vanquished rising along with it.
‘No, Lark,’ he said in a rough voice. ‘No. I told you—’
‘I know what you told me.’ She sat up, pain stark in her eyes. ‘And don’t worry, I’m not asking for you to love me in return. I know how you feel about that. And I’m not going to leave—I would never take her away from you and I’m not leaving her—but I can’t keep pretending we have a real marriage when we don’t.’
‘Why not?’ he demanded, fury abruptly running through his veins. At her for changing everything when he’d thought things were perfect, and at himself for not realising that making her happy might have had this effect on her. For not seeing her growing feelings.
Another way you’re selfish. You didn’t even think about how she might feel. All you wanted was your damn new legacy.
Yes, and why shouldn’t he? He was a selfish bastard and he’d never made any secret of the fact. Yet something like self-loathing wound through him all the same.
‘Because I can’t.’ More tears were rolling down her cheeks and for some reason the sight of them hurt, like small slivers of glass pushed beneath his skin. ‘I spent my childhood loving my mother, hoping it would help her, fix her somehow, but it didn’t. I don’t want to do it again.’
The fury felt as if it was choking him. ‘I’m not broken, Lark. Why the hell would you think I need fixing?’
‘You don’t,’ she said passionately, wiping futilely at her tears. ‘It’s not that. It’s just... I want to love you so much. I want to make you as happy as you made me, but sometimes I feel as if there’s a part of you that you keep shut away, a part that you don’t want me to see. And it’s like that night again, Cesare. Where you have all of me, but I have nothing of you.’
He knew what she was talking about. The days when the pressure of trying to keep both her and Maya happy, to not give them any reason to doubt and mistrust him, got to him. Sometimes he found himself furious for no reason and always when he should have been happy. It felt as if he was missing something, lacking something, and he couldn’t pinpoint what, which angered him. He didn’t want her to see that, didn’t want his anger to become something toxic, the way his parents’ had, and so he’d shut himself away and dealt with it, only coming out again when it had gone.
She didn’t need to see that. No one did.
‘You do have all of me,’ he insisted, fighting his anger. ‘But there are some things that you don’t need to see.’
‘What things, Cesare? What is so very bad about you that I shouldn’t have to see it?’
He gritted his teeth. He kept on telling her what kind of man he was, but she didn’t seem to believe him. Perhaps he needed to drive the point home. ‘You know what my parents did to me,’ he said flatly. ‘You know how sick they were, how they let their anger consume them. Well, I’m no different. I was furious with them after they died, for the hell they made of my childhood, and for a long time I let that fury take charge. And I nearly let it consume me the way it consumed them. But then I decided I’d had enough of letting them control the course of my life, and so I decided to break up their legacy and finally move on. Then you came along, Lark. You and Maya. And you both gave me hope that I could do something different.’ He found his hands had curled into fists and he tried to relax them. ‘But that doesn’t change who I am. I’m what my parents made me, Lark. Angry, and bitter, and selfish. That’s the part of me that you don’t need to see.’
‘No.’ Lark’s eyes suddenly burned, her voice fierce. ‘No, you stupid man. You might be angry and bitter, and God, if anyone’s got a right to that, it’s you. But you’re not selfish. You’re the opposite. You put your daughter first, every time, and you’re caring and kind and supportive. Why do you think I fell in love with you, you idiot?’
‘It’s not for her,’ he insisted, an odd pain starting up inside him. ‘It’s for the new—’
‘Legacy, yes, so you keep saying,’ Lark interrupted furiously. ‘But I don’t believe that and I don’t think you do, not for a second. You’re doing all that for her, because you love her. Because she matters to you, not your stupid legacy.’
His heart was beating far too fast and he felt like a man drowning and trying to grab onto a life vest as it floated past. And missing.
She’s not wrong.
She was, she had to be. Love was toxic. Love had killed his parents and it had nearly killed him. And he didn’t want any part of it. Ever.
This time it was he who pushed himself off the bed and reached for his clothes. ‘I’m not having this conversation,’ he said in a hard voice. ‘In fact, we will never speak of it again.’
Lark didn’t move as he dressed, sitting on the bed naked and so achingly beautiful she stopped his heart.
‘That’s too bad, Cesare,’ she said, still fierce. ‘Because I can’t have half-measures. I’ve given you all of me, but if I can’t have all of you, then I have to do something. I don’t know if I can do friendship, but that’s all I’ve got to offer you right now.’ Tears gleamed on her cheeks even as anger glittered in her eyes. ‘I’d like to tell you I’m sorry, but I’m not.’
He had no answer to that. It was a futile argument anyway, and he knew how those kinds of arguments ended. Very, very badly.
So he said nothing and strode from the room instead.