Chapter 30
CHAPTER 30
R UBY IS CONKED OUT IN A SLEEPING BAG IN THE Liv ing room. Cormack and Reenie are on the couch watching Seinfeld reruns. There’s a little sunflower throw pillow between them, and their entwined hands are resting on it. I wonder if they even know that they’re holding hands after all of these years. I wonder if it ever surprises them, this need to be so close, or if they just thought this is what marriage is. I am awake enough to feel like their casual hand-holding is obnoxious.
“How did it go?” Reenie asks.
“Not so great,” Dan says before I can. “I think we’re going to go sit outside for a bit.”
“Actually, I think I’m going to go to bed,” I say. “But you go ahead.” He’s looking at me like he doesn’t recognize me, like I’m not the person he woke up with this morning. Which I’m not. At all. “I’m going to rebook myself on an early flight tomorrow too. So much regrouping to do. But thank you both for having me this week.” Ruby turns her head, and her black curls wiggle and then rest. The thoughts I’ve been entertaining about forever and a little girl with Dan’s coloring and my curls sit sour in my stomach. There’s another sentence I should say about the kids and the pie, but I can’t quite get it out.
Reenie and Cormack get up to hug me. Reenie takes me in her arms and I feel like a rag doll. I think of my mom, the fragile feel of the bones in her back under my hands in a lifetime of hugs and mistruths. This hug with Reenie is a new thing that suddenly feels dangerous, a window into something that I don’t get to keep.
“Well, we hope you’ll be back in the fall,” she says. “Or anytime. You’re always welcome. But the fall is lovely and less crowded.”
“She’ll come back when she wants,” Cormack says and pulls me into his arms. “I really hope you do.”
Dan’s got his hands in his pockets watching for my next move. I cannot believe I let myself get in this deep in the world of fairy tales and true love. It’s like I got drunk on that script and the din of Dan’s family. The warmth of his hand in mine.
I’m fiddling with Ruby’s bracelet, every possible color in no particular order, and I shake my head. “Well, good night. I’m going to head to bed. Thank you for everything.”
I lie heavy under the covers. My body feels like lead. I have a missed call from Clem and a text: Just checking in to see how it went? Did you see him and seal the deal?
I don’t even have the energy for Clem. I don’t want to hear what she’s going to say about my anger. I don’t want to tell her there’s no happy ending. So I turn to the wall and try to sleep.