Chapter 38
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Molly
T he smell of fresh paint assaults my senses as soon as I open the door to my house.
It’s sudden and startling and smells nothing like the home I’m used to.
I don’t even know what home means right now.
Every bone in my body aches as I climb the stairs. The last four days have been a hundred years. Today alone has felt like an eternity. Sitting through the funeral, watching Jordan fall apart over and over again, seeing his brothers and parents hold him up, sometimes literally. Trying to make conversation at the bar while my mind spun the night Allie died over and over again, the worst song ever stuck on repeat for all of time.
What if I hadn’t picked up my phone. What if I had told Harvey to fuck off. What if my office hadn’t been such a mess that I could have found what I was looking for and been on time to pick Allie up. I know intellectually it probably wouldn’t have mattered. Crazy men with guns kill people, and if it wasn’t that night, it would have been another, or he would have just killed someone else instead. But I can’t make my brain believe it because all it wants to think is that my friend is dead, and it’s my chaos that killed her. Everyone I know is grieving, and it’s because of me.
Every fear and insecurity I’ve harbored for my whole life is suddenly a blaring siren in my brain. Too much. Too loud. Too messy. Too extra. Too everything.
I’m afraid to tell anyone because I’m afraid they’ll tell me it’s true. I don’t think I could survive that. So, for the last four days, I’ve tried to make myself less of everything. When I’m less, my friends don’t die. When I’m less, assholes don’t steal clients from me. When I’m less, everyone will want to stay, and I’ll never have to be alone.
And yet here I am, all alone anyway, in a house I don’t even want anymore. A house that no longer feels like mine.
I came here tonight because every time I look into Gabe’s kind, understanding face, filled with love and concern for me, I come one inch closer to breaking. Every time he puts his hand on my cheek and tells me to lean on him, tears clog my throat, and all my insecurities come a little closer to spilling free. I know I’ll feel better if I let it out, but I’m afraid that once I start, I’ll never stop, and that kind of breakdown is the opposite of less.
I pause at the door to my bedroom, taking in the space. The holes in the ceiling have been repaired, and the entire room is clean and organized. The carpet and bedding are all new and it looks perfect. Like nothing ever happened.
But something did happen. So many somethings. I fell in love all over again and found all my lost pieces. I lost my friend, and now I feel like I lost myself.
Without even taking off my shoes or the stupid black dress I hate, I crawl onto the bed and hug my knees to my chest. I turn my face into pillows that don’t smell anything like pine and the sea. There are no strong arms that wrap around me, and no deeply settling voice telling me that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.
I’m exhausted, down to the very depths of my soul.
It settles over me like a weighted blanket, and my eyes refuse to stay open anymore. My body is heavy, pinned to the mattress by four sleepless nights and four days of trying to be someone other than who I am meant to be. Like I’ve been doing for days, I try and keep sleep at bay, afraid of what will come for me in the dark, but I know it’s a futile fight.
So, with nothing left to do and no one’s hand to hold tight, I finally let myself drift down into the black.
“Rory.”
Gabe’s voice filters into my subconscious, cutting through the disorienting haze of a deep, too-short sleep. The bed shifts. A warm body next to mine. Arms wrapped around me, pulling me close. My head on a strong shoulder. A hand smoothing back my hair. A kiss to my forehead. Love-soaked words whispered in the dark.
“I love you, baby. I’ve got you. You’re not alone.”
My control has been slowly breaking down all day today, but it’s the you’re not alone that finishes the job. Emotion fills my throat, and I’m too tired to push it back down. My breath comes in sharp gasps, and hot tears fill my eyes.
Gabe tightens his arms, and his voice is a comforting whisper in my ear. “Let it go, Rory. It’s okay. I’m here to catch you. I’ll never let you go.”
So, finally, I do.
Turning my face into Gabe’s neck, I let the bubble burst. I sob out four days of guilt and grief. Of fighting against everything that makes me who I am. Of withdrawing into myself and hiding from all the people who love me most. Of I’m so sorry for your loss and Jordan’s face as he broke. Of his tears on my sweater and never seeing my friend again.
I sob like my heart is broken, because it is, but Gabe sticks with me the whole time. His arms stay tight around me, and he whispers soft words. He never moves, not once. He’s there as my sobs turn to sniffles and my breathing evens out. As I take stock and realize that even though my head aches and my throat is raw from the crying, my heart feels just a little lighter. Not a lot, but enough.
I shift back a little so I can look up at Gabe. He’s already looking down at me, the love in his gaze so intense it brings a fresh wave of tears to my eyes. He brings a hand to my face and strokes his thumb over my cheekbone. He touches me like I’m precious. Important. He looks at me like I’m his reason for everything, and I realize in this moment that, no matter what, he will always be mine.
“There she is,” Gabe whispers, bending down and brushing his lips over mine. Quick the first time, and then again, longer and slower, until my head spins and he fills every one of my senses. When we break apart, he leans his forehead against mine and closes his eyes. I wrap an arm around his waist and pull him closer. Now that he’s here, any distance between us feels like too much.
Gabe lets out a shuddering sigh that sounds like relief and I realize that, lost in the haze of my own grief and guilt, I haven’t given nearly enough thought to him. To this beautiful man who has done nothing but love me, even when I feel undeserving of love.
“I’m sorry,” I say, my voice raspy from tears and disuse. “I should have told you where I was going. I didn’t mean for you to go home to an empty house and wonder where I was. I just couldn’t go back there, and I wasn’t thinking straight. I was going to go to Emma’s for a while but found myself here instead. I laid down and then I couldn’t stay awake anymore. I’m sorry if I scared you.”
“Oh, baby,” Gabe murmurs, running a hand up and down my back, leaning in to kiss my cheek, my forehead, everywhere he can reach. Then he pulls back so he can meet my eyes. “Rory, there is no place on earth you could go where I wouldn’t come find you. I know you, and I knew where to look for you. I will always come looking for you. I’m just glad you’re here and you’re safe. As long as we’re together, it doesn’t matter where we are.”
“You mean that?” I ask, hating that my voice sounds small. Hating the kernel of doubt where there never was one before.
“Every damn word. You could try and run, but I’ll just drag you back, so save yourself the trouble and stay. Stay with me, Rory, and tell me everything, if you’re ready. We’ll get through it together. And if you’re not ready, that’s okay too. I’ll be here when you are. I’ll always be right here.”
It’s my turn to close my eyes, breathing Gabe in, soaking in his words, taking the strength that he exudes in abundance. I don’t know if I’m ready or not, but I’m going to try. So, with our bodies still tangled together and our heads sharing a pillow, I take a deep breath, and I give him my deepest fear, trusting that he’ll treat it gently.
“I’m afraid Allie died because of me.”
Gabe stiffens a little but keeps rubbing that comforting hand up and down my back, saying nothing, waiting for me to continue.
“I was congratulating myself for being on time, early even, to pick her up. But then Harvey Randall called and needed something stupid from me. My office was a mess like it always is, and there were stacks of paper everywhere. It took me forever to find what I was looking for, and by the time I did, I was late. She was waiting outside for me, Gabe, and then she was just… gone. I drove the entire way to the hospital thinking about how I was going to buy all our drinks to apologize, but instead, I ended up having to tell Jordan that the love of his life was gone. It felt like it was because of my inability not to be a complete mess. Because of the way I live in chaos with stuff everywhere all the time. That’s why Allie is dead, and Jordan is broken, and none of us will ever be the same.”
I take a shaky breath and say the hardest part.
“My entire life, people have always told me I was too messy, too chaotic, too extra. Just, too everything. I’m loud. I wear bright colors and big jewelry and carry a million bags. I’m almost always late. I say exactly what I’m thinking. I can never find my keys. I let it all roll off me because, like, fuck everyone, right? I like who I am. I’m my favorite person. Except this time, maybe who I am got my friend killed, and suddenly, it was like every negative thing anyone has ever said to me was buried somewhere in my brain and came rushing out, all at once. For the last four days, it’s been all I can hear. My mom getting mad because my room was never clean, or my freshman year roommate in college moving out because of the clutter, or my professors wondering why I could never be on time for class. Everyone wondering why I was always so much. So…”
I stop talking then, not able to say the next part, but Gabe figures it out fast.
“You tried to be less.” His voice is pained, like just the thought of me trying to be less hurts him, and that gives me the courage I need to finish.
“Yes. I cleaned everything up even though the order makes it hard for me to think. I wore this stupid black dress today even though I hate black. I pulled my hair back even though I prefer to let it fly free. And I didn’t fall apart because I was afraid if I did, I would never stop.”
Gabe sits up, then pulls me with him so we’re cross-legged and facing each other on the bed. He takes off my shoes, throws them on the floor, and takes both of my hands in his, holding them tight.
“What did you want to wear today instead?”
I stare at him for a second, turning his question over and over in my head. “Out of everything I just said, that’s what you landed on?”
He shrugs, the side of his mouth quirking up. “Just humor me. If you had worn what you wanted to wear, what would it have been?”
“I have this red dress. I’ve never worn it before. I bought it last year when I was shopping with Allie and the girls. It was insanely expensive and kind of ridiculous, and I wasn’t going to get it, but Allie convinced me to. She said every girl needs a red dress in her closet. That when you’re feeling your worst, wearing something red is an instant mood booster. I thought of that this morning. I was feeling my worst, and she would have told me to wear the red dress. But then I thought about how everyone else would be wearing something dark, and it would be another round of Oh, man, Molly is so extra, even at a funeral, and yet another reminder about how, if I was just a little less, maybe we wouldn’t have been at a funeral at all. I usually don’t give a fuck what anyone says, but today it was all I could think about. So, I wore black instead. I hate this fucking dress.”
I stare down at the comforter until Gabe lets go of one of my hands and hooks a finger under my chin, tipping my face back up so our eyes meet.
“Rory. It wasn’t your fault.”
I shake my head and try to look back down, but Gabe holds my face steady. “Nothing that happened was your fault. Allie was at the wrong place at the wrong time, but she’s not gone because you were late to pick her up. She’s gone because a father lost a child and he in turn made a terrible decision in his grief. I promise that Allie, the person who went shopping with you and made you buy a red dress for when you’re feeling your worst and fixed children’s broken hearts and loved Jordan with every part of hers, would not want you to take on this guilt and make yourself smaller for it. What happened to Allie was the worst thing that could happen to anyone, and I will hate forever that you had to experience this kind of loss. But it wasn’t your fault, baby. Not for a second.”
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I know. I mean, intellectually, I know. Genius IQ, right?”
Gabe lets out a laugh, and the sound of it warms a part of me that’s been cold for days.
“But it’s hard not to go through all the what ifs. Like, what if I had been early instead of late? Or what if I had called her sooner to tell her I would be late, so she wasn’t waiting outside for me? It’s enough to make you go crazy.”
Gabe nods in understanding and I know he really, truly does understand. He’s been lost in grief. He knows what it feels like. And he really is helping me the way I would have helped him if he had been in a place to accept it. It’s a full circle moment, ten years in the making. “I know. Your brain will go to some insane places. It’s normal. But I promise that when it does, I’ll be here to remind you that none of this is on you.”
“You might have to remind me a lot.”
Gabe pulls me into his lap and bands his arms around me. “I’ll remind you a hundred times a day if that’s what you need. It wasn’t your fault, Rory, and no one wants you to make yourself less when you are perfect exactly the way you are. I love every single thing about you. Your color and your light and the way you live your life all the way out loud. There has never been someone who shines as brightly as you. You’re the sun, Rory, and we are the lucky ones who get to live in your orbit.”
Tears flood my eyes again, but before I can wipe them away, Gabe beats me to it, swiping his thumbs over my cheeks. “Even when I leave crap all over your house and you have to help me find my keys every day?”
Gabe leans down and presses a kiss to my forehead. “First of all, it’s our house now, not just mine. Second of all, I love your stuff around the house because it reminds me that you’re there when, for years, you weren’t. And I will help you find your keys every day for all eternity if it means you drive your car home to me at night. I want all of you, Rory. Your brilliance and your creativity and your wide-open heart, and everything that makes you who you are. It took me a decade to get you back, and there is not a force on earth strong enough to keep us apart now that we’re together. Don’t be less, Rory. Be mine. Be exactly the person you are because who you are is magnificent. I have loved you exactly as you are for fourteen years, and I promise to love you exactly like that until the end of time.”
“Fuck, Gabe.” I let out a watery laugh and sink deeper into his hold. “How do you know exactly the right things to say?”
He tightens an arm around me and links his other hand with mine. “Because I know you, baby. I always have. No one will ever know you the way I know you, and no one will ever love you the way I love you. Everything about us is meant to be. It has been since the first day we laid eyes on each other. You are my inevitable.”
I sigh, finding I quite like the idea of us being inevitable. “Did you always think we would end up here? Even when we were apart?”
Gabe leans down and presses a kiss behind my ear. “Everything I did for the ten years we were apart was so, one day, I could make my way back to you. I never stopped hoping you would take me back when I did, but that was always your choice to make. I’ll never stop being grateful that you chose me again.”
His words start to heal something inside of me that fractured four days ago. It will take me time to wade through all the guilt and grief, but with Gabe here, I know I’ll get there. “I would choose you a million times over. Every day. In every lifetime.”
And I would. I do.
I choose him when he undresses me slowly and tosses the black dress I hate into a corner. And when he helps me into the shower and washes my hair for me again, along with every inch of my body.
When he dries me off and tucks me into bed and slides in next to me, with nothing between us. And when he sinks inside me, fucking me slowly while he drops his mouth to my ear and whispers all the way, he’s going to love me from now until forever.
When he swallows my cries with his mouth as I come around him, and he follows me over the edge. And when he wraps me up in the comforting familiarity of his arms and, for the first time in four days, I fall safely into a deep, dreamless sleep.