Epilogue
Molly
4 Months Later
“ I fucking love this,” I declare, settling into the passenger seat of Gabe’s car, looking down at the brand new tattoo on my wrist.
“Rory baby, you look so hot with a tattoo.” I glance up at Gabe with a grin, thrilled with myself and him and this whole entire day.
“Oh, I know,” I say, running my fingers over the clear bandage covering the two lines of numbers and letters. Coordinates to our tree in Berkeley to match the one Gabe already had, and coordinates to our house in Pittsburgh. Gabe got that one too. Our past and our present. Two homes, side-by-side.
Was it risky to get tattooed by a toothless guy named Clyde at some hole in the wall tattoo parlor in Deep Creek, Maryland that no one has ever heard of? Probably. Did Gabe and I care? We certainly did not.
Last night while we were lying in bed riding a post-multiple orgasm high, I was tracing the tattoos on Gabe’s thigh, and I mentioned I had always wanted one. He told me he wanted a new one to commemorate this new phase in our lives—the one where we’re back together and engaged and living together and building forever—and neither of us could get the idea out of our heads.
We’re in Western Maryland for our annual two-week family vacation at the Parkers’ lake house, but for some reason, getting these tattoos felt like something we urgently needed to do. Hence, toothless Clyde and his tattoo parlor of dubious cleanliness. It was perfect.
Gabe lifts up my hand, smiling at the jingle of my bracelet stack that now includes a thin rose gold bangle set with the diamonds from my first engagement ring. He kisses my wrist over the bandage while I run my fingers over the one on his thigh. Then I snort out a laugh.
“God, we really are that couple everyone makes fun of now, aren’t we?”
Gabe winks at me then slips on his sunglasses and fuck me, it’ll be a miracle if we make it back to the house without me mauling him right in the front seat of this car. He really is the hottest man to ever walk the face of the earth.
“Rory, if it’s with you, I’m fine being that couple.” Gabe starts the engine and heads back towards the house. “So, what’s the plan for tonight?”
“What do you mean?” I ask innocently, knowing exactly what he means. This is Gabe’s first family lake vacation, and he’s endlessly amused by all of our little traditions. I’ve been coming to the lake every summer for so long that I never think about how they look from the outside. Having Gabe here this summer is like experiencing it for the first time all over again, and it’s been so much fun.
Gabe pokes me in the side. “You know what I mean. This is night three, so what can we expect? Jump naked into the lake night? Everyone run around the house five times and jump into the pool night?”
“You joke, but at one time or another we have done all of those things. Lake weeks are wild times.”
He smiles over at me as he signals for a turn. “I know. Rachel has made it her mission to tell me all the stories of lake trips past, with pictures.”
“How is it possible that you’ve only been around for, like, seven months and you’re already her favorite?”
Gabe shrugs, all casual like. “I’m a really likeable guy, Rory.”
I eye him suspiciously. “You promised her early access to Redwoods, didn’t you?”
“You bet I did. Her love was for sale, and I bought it.”
I throw my head back and laugh because the way Gabe has slid right into the fold of my most favorite people is the best part of my life. Rachel and Steven treat him like another one of their kids, the way they do with all of us. He’s been teaching Maddy how to code, and she comes over all the time to play with Gabe’s tech toys and build Lego with him. He comes to the office and hangs with the girls sometimes and is our office IT expert. He goes to the gym with the guys and hangs out at the bar with Ben, Jeremy, and Asher. And as the person in our group who has the most experience with grief, he has spent a lot of time with Jordan over the past four months. Gabe never tells me what they talk about, but I think to the extent anything could possibly help Jordan, Gabe has.
“Well, you, my friend, are in luck, because tonight is the very best night of all.”
“Oh, yeah?” Gabe reaches over and lays a hand on my leg, squeezing lightly. Even after all these months, he’s still always touching me, always turned to me in some way. I hope that never changes.
I cover his hand with mine. “You bet. It’s bonfire night.”
The fire snaps and crackles, sparks flying up into the dark sky. The lake laps along the shore, and the starry sky stretches above us. I’m settled on a blanket between Gabe’s legs, his arms wrapped around me, and it is the most perfect night.
I glance around the fire, taking in all my friends with their men. Ben tugs a sweatshirt down over Hallie’s head the way he does every year and then settles in next to her, kissing the side of her head. Asher tosses an arm around Julie’s shoulders as she grins up at him. Emma and Jeremy are curled up together on a single lounge chair, his chin resting on top of her head. Everyone happy. Settled. In love. It’s a really good life we’ve all made together. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
“This is basically summer camp. I’m just waiting for someone to burst into song,” Gabe says, looking around.
“I could throw you a little Taylor concert,” Asher says. “What’s your favorite song? I’m in my Lover era right now because…” He captures Julie’s chin and kisses her like the world is ending. When he breaks the kiss, Julie rolls her eyes at him, but her face is full of amusement and love for her puppy dog man as Asher directs his attention back to Gabe. “But since you invented my favorite phone, I’m willing to sing whatever you want.”
“Asher, you’re the best friend a guy could ever ask for,” Gabe says, rummaging around in the bag of snacks we brought down and tossing Asher a bag of gummy worms. He catches them one handed and grins at Gabe. “All of you are. I really love it here. You’re lucky to have had this place to come to together all these years.”
“It’s our most special place,” Hallie says, leaning into Ben. “This is where Ben and I first got together.”
I can feel Gabe’s smile behind me. His fingers stroke lightly over my arms. “It’s a good place for that.”
“It was actually on bonfire night,” Ben says, looking down at Hallie at the same time she looks up at him.
“God, you guys will never not be adorable. Are we that adorable?” Jeremy asks Emma.
I glance over at Jeremy, never able to resist needling him. It’s the little sister in me. “You guys are parents. I think once you become parents, you stop being adorable.”
Jeremy tugs Emma closer to him. “Fuck that. We’re the hottest parents in the world. And also, Maddy is with Emma’s grandparents for two weeks, so it’s basically like we aren’t even parents at all.”
Emma glances up at him, her face full of humor. “Didn’t you call my grandparents, like, four times today to talk to Maddy? Doesn’t seem like you’ve forgotten you’re a parent.”
“Fuck,” Jeremy mutters. “I miss her, what do you want from me?”
“For you to never, ever change.” Emma leans up and kisses his jaw, settling back down, contentment radiating from her.
“Hey, guys.”
We all turn at the same time to see Jordan standing at the edge of the sand. Ben stands immediately and greets him with a hug and some whispered words. Everyone else stays where they are, an unspoken agreement not to overwhelm him. There have been a lot of those over the past few months as we’ve all tried to navigate this loss and the best way to help Jordan through it.
As Ben talks, Jordan closes his eyes, and I see his hands clench into fists like he’s working hard to hold himself together. Jordan’s jaw is covered in heavy stubble like he hasn’t bothered to shave for a while, and his eyes are shadowed in a way that speaks to many sleepless nights. My heart aches for him. For all of us.
When the two men break apart, Ben takes his seat and Jordan sits down in an empty camp chair next to Asher and Julie, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, his hands twisted together. He stares into the fire before he clears his throat and looks around at everyone.
“I’m sure you’re all wondering what I’m doing here.”
“We’re just happy to see you,” Jeremy says.
Asher grabs a beer out of the cooler he brought down and tosses it to Jordan. “We’ve really missed you.”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t come. I just…” He trails off, his voice breaking a little.
“Don’t ever be sorry,” Emma says softly. “We just want you to do what feels right to you. We’re here for you no matter what.”
“She’s right, Jordan.” Julie lays a hand over his. “You are a part of this family, and family always sticks. We’re all just happy you’re here.”
Jordan gives her a grateful look, then glances around the circle, making eye contact with everyone. “I just drove up for the night. I have something I need to tell you. All of you.” He pauses and looks down at his hands.
“I’m not sure how to say it, so I’m just going to say it. I’m leaving.”
“Leaving where?” Asher asks.
Jordan looks up, his face a mask of pain “Pittsburgh. I’m leaving Pittsburgh. I love you all and you’re my family, but being in Pittsburgh feels like having my heart ripped out of my body every single day. Being in the hospital, expecting to see Allie around every corner. I can’t—” He cuts himself off, wiping under his eyes and taking a deep breath.
“I can’t do it anymore,” he says quietly. “It’s too painful. It hurts too much. I need to be somewhere else for a while. Somewhere she wasn’t. Somewhere you guys aren’t. I’m so sorry, and I hate myself for it because I love you all, and I only want happiness for all of you. But watching you build your lives when mine was ripped away from me feels impossible. I can’t do it right now.”
Ben stands and drags a chair over to Jordan’s, sitting and putting his hand on his friend’s back. “It’s okay,” he says quietly. “You need to do whatever feels right for you. Where are you going?”
Jordan scrubs a hand over his face. “New York. There’s an open general surgery attending position at New York Med in Manhattan, and I accepted it this morning. I thought about going to Boston to be with my brothers, but I think I need to go somewhere where no one knows me. Where no one knows what happened. I don’t know if this is the right choice, and I don’t know if it’s forever or just for right now.”
He gives a little humorless laugh. “I don’t know much of anything right now, but I do know that this feels like what I need.”
“Not pediatrics?” I ask. I immediately regret the question because Jordan needs support now, not questions. “I’m sorry, that just slipped out. You don’t have to answer.”
“No, it’s okay.” Jordan swings around to face me. “Not pediatrics. They didn’t have an open peds position, but honestly, getting out of peds feels okay to me. Just, a clean break all around.”
“When do you leave?” asks Julie.
“Next week.”
Fuck, it’s so soon. Too soon. I can’t imagine our lives without Jordan in them. But I also still can’t imagine our lives without Allie, even though she’s been gone for months. I understand why Jordan is drowning.
“Do you need us to help you pack up?” Jeremy’s voice is steady, but I can hear the pain underneath. He’s been through so much in his life, and I know that this family means everything to him. Watching Jordan leave is going to take its toll. “I can come back with you. Help you get to New York.”
“I’m okay. My brothers are coming in to help me move.”
I understand why he feels like he needs to leave, but I can’t help but think that the timing is all wrong. I remember reading something about how a person isn’t supposed to make major life decisions in the wake of a traumatic event, and this seems a lot like Jordan trying to escape his pain by leaving the place where the pain happens. In my experience, you can’t outrun pain. It’s a part of you, and it follows you wherever you go. But Jordan is our friend, and if this is what he wants, we need to support him.
“We’ll miss you,” I say quietly. “We’ll miss you so much, and we’ll be here if you need us. We’ll always be a phone call away. And if New York isn’t it for you, and you want to come back, we’ll be here waiting.” Gabe takes my hand, lacing his fingers through mine, and I hold tight.
“Thank you,” Jordan chokes out. “All of you. For everything. I wouldn’t have survived the last four months without you.”
“We’re family,” Ben says. “Always and no matter what.”
Jordan stands, everything in his body language conveying that he has reached his emotional limit. “I’m going to head up and talk to Rachel and Steven. Tell them what’s going on, and then turn in. I’ll see you in the morning for breakfast before I leave.”
Without a backward glance, he heads up to the house. Everyone is silent for a full minute.
“So, that happened.” Unsurprisingly, it’s Asher who breaks the silence.
“It sure did,” Jeremy says, taking a long sip from his beer bottle.
“I guess we’re taking a family trip to New York sometime soon.” Ben’s voice is steady, with an undercurrent of steely determination.
“You bet we are.” Jeremy sits up straighter. “New York isn’t that far.”
Gabe speaks up from behind me. “I suspect he could move to another country entirely, and you all would still be there, knocking on his door, reminding him of where he came from and who his people are.”
“See, he gets it.” Julie gives Gabe an approving nod. “That’s why you fit right in.”
“Oh, it’s on,” Asher says. “I fucking love New York.”
“You love everything,” I say to him with a smile.
“But I especially love New York.” Asher launches into a whole thing about all his favorite places in New York which starts four different side conversations about everyone else’s favorite places. I stay quiet, soaking in the sound of my friends’ voices.
“You okay?” Gabe murmurs so only I can hear.
I sigh, settling deeper into his arms. “I am. It’s just weird, you know? Like everything is changing. I know that’s what’s supposed to happen, but I wish it was for a happier reason.”
“I know.” Gabe kisses my temple and rests his head against mine. “Change is hard, but the one thing I know for sure is that this family sticks together. None of you will let Jordan stray too far. And no matter what, I’m not going anywhere. It’s you and me, forever and until the end of time. I love you, Rory, and that is one thing that will never, ever change.
I turn my head and press a kiss to Gabe’s jaw, loving the feel of his stubble against my lips, his ocean and pine scent surrounding me, and his secure arms tethering me to this moment. “I love you too. Then. Now. Always.”
And with that deep, abiding love, some tears for what we’ve lost, and gratitude for everything we’ve all gained, I settle in, and we spend the next hours together by the fire.
As family.
THE END
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