CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Riley — 17 years old (Junior year)
“This is getting old, you know?” I tell Jenny through my busted lips, as I wipe away the blood with the back of my hand. There’s a dull pain in my left cheek, and I pray Jenny’s slap didn’t loosen any of my teeth.
Forget about staying low and not causing any scandal; I might possibly commit a homicide, if I end up having to get a fake tooth. Shit, it hurts. Is her hand made out of granite or something?
I look down at my ripped skirt, grimacing. Thank God, I have a spare uniform in my locker. I won’t have to miss any classes because of Jenny’s bratty behavior. Sasha twists my arm behind my back, and I fear she’ll rip my shoulder out of its socket. But I don’t dare flinch from the pain. This is the first time they’ve ganged up on me since I came back to Berkshire Academy.
They’ve left me alone for the last three months, except for the rumors and sneers — which I’ve gotten used to. The gossiping doesn’t bother me anymore. Their control on my life ended when I refused to entertain them with my dejection.
I am strong.
I am brave.
I am worthy — I remind myself.
But physically beating me? Yeah, this only happened today.
I wonder what triggered it.
Oh wait, I know why.
It’s because Jasper publicly broke up with her today. He saved her the humiliation he bestowed upon me though. I’d say she got lucky.
If Jenny actually thought Jasper was loyal to her all this time, she’s just as gullible as I thought she was. The word loyalty doesn’t exist in the dictionary for boys like Jasper.
They only care about their selfish needs.
And using people as their lively entertainment.
“I wonder what will happen if I leak this video.” A familiar voice breaks through my tirade of thoughts. Jenny jerks back with a gasp and her friends release me. I slump against the wall, my shoulder throbbing in agony.
Lila is leaning against the door of the restroom, phone in her hand as she records us. She tsks mockingly, now that she finally has all of their attention. Oh God, what is she doing?
She slowly cocks her head to the side. “Actually, I might leak this video and take it to the cops. How are you going to explain that to your daddy, Jenny?”
Lila’s hand comes up and she taps her index finger against her chin. Her thoughtful look is accompanied with something more threatening. It’s in her eyes — the look of pure menace. “Hmm. If I’m not mistaken, if charges are brought against you, Berkshire Academy will have no choice but to expel you.” She fake-gasps. “Oh dear Lord, what will happen to poor Jenny and her friends ? Because guess what, you are all going down with her.”
Holy shit. Lila Garcia is bat-shit crazy. Why am I friends with her again?
“You don’t know who you are messing with,” Jenny snarls. “Who do you think you are, you little bitch? Go back under whatever dumpster you crawled out from.”
“Oh, me? Well, well…where to start?” Lila says, her voice both brittle and dangerously soft. “I’m the friend of the girl you’ve given a busted lip to. And I’m beyond pissed right now. You don’t want to know what happens when I’m mad, because I get really unpredictable.”
Yup, it’s official. My only friend has turned psychotic.
I don’t know how it happened…or what exactly triggered our friendship. Maybe it’s the fact that we are both outcasts at Berkshire and lonely. Maybe it’s just that we both needed a friend.
But in the last three months since our first acquaintance under my willow — our willow tree, Lila and I have hit it off. I was right about her being a genius, because she really is.
Beautiful and smart as well as a perfectionist.
With kind eyes and a gentle soul.
And a sarcastic mouth.
Oh, and while I have the boobs — she’s got the ass. We balance each other like that.
A perfect friend combo.
Lila lives with her grandparents ever since her parents passed away in a car accident a few years ago — an accident that I know Lila still holds a lot of guilt over. She has never said it out loud, but I hear it in her voice whenever she talks about them. With such longing and pain. Her words are always filled with regret and sorrow.
She puts her phone away. “So, are you going to make yourself scarce, or should I make true on my threats? Oh, because trust me — I will do it. You don’t want to test my boundaries.”
Jenny’s friends are the first to run along, leaving her behind. Laughter bubbles in my chest, but I disguise it with a cough. So are these Jenny’s so-called friends? Karma is a bitch, truly.
“You’re going to regret this,” Jenny snarls, taking a step toward Lila. But she can’t do anything. She won’t do anything, not without her so-called friends backing her up.
And that’s when I realize just how powerless Jenny really is. She had Jasper and was using him as a shield. But now he’s not hers anymore, and knowing the type of person Jasper is, he couldn’t care less about Jenny and what happens to her. He had his fun and has probably already moved along to the next girl.
Jenny is all alone now, and Lila — sweet Lila, stands her ground, looking like an intimidating queen, not once showing fear. Her eyes narrow on Jenny, silently challenging her.
Lila is the personification of defiance.
Jenny makes a frustrated sound in the back of her throat, before she flips her hair and stalks away. She slams the door closed, and I release the breath I’ve been holding.
“You are trouble, Riley Johnson,” Lila says, but there’s no heat in her tone.
“I told you so. Warned you before we even became friends.”
She opens the tap and then rips off a bunch of paper towels from the dispenser, before running them under the water. Lila squats down next to me and gently wipes my bruised lips. “Hmm, looks a bit swollen, but you’ll live. Anything else feel broken?”
I mutely shake my head. Lila nods in satisfaction. “Good. Now, you’re going to stand up and walk out there with your head up. They are going to see your busted lip and your ripped skirt, they will whisper and laugh behind their hands, but you will walk. You will not lower your gaze and you will keep your spine straight. You will walk out there, Riley — because you are the bravest girl I’ve ever had the pleasure meeting. Do you understand?”
I nod again, frustrated tears burning my eyes. Lila is not judging me for being weak, but I hate that she had to see me like this. And I hate how, because of me, she now has a possible target on her back.
When I blink, the tears slide down my cheeks. Lila wipes them away. “How did you know I was here?”
“I was waiting for you by your locker. I saw you going into the restroom and then they followed behind you,” she tells me. “My sixth sense told me something was not right.”
“Are you really going to release that video?” I ask her shakily.
“No. Because releasing it will only embarrass you further and ruin the image you are trying so hard to fix.” Lila pulls me to my feet. “I don’t care what happens to Jenny and her bitchy friends, but I won’t do that to you.”
“They are going to make your life hell.” Because of me.
She’s quiet for a second, thoughtful. Then Lila slowly grins and there’s nothing sweet about it. “Not if I make their lives hell first.”
***
Riley — 18 years old (Summer before senior year)
“Well,” Lila chortles, raising her plastic cup of fruit punch in the air. She has her dark hair in a French braid and we’re wearing matching hoop earrings — a Galentine’s present we got each other. I press my hands over my favorite yellow dress, trying to smooth out any wrinkles. “We survived. Cheers to us!”
Yeah, we miraculously survived our junior year.
I like to think that Lila came into my life as my fairy godmother. I mean, she doesn’t have a magic wand, but I like to believe that she’s definitely magical. I read an article last month in Cosmopolitan , about how people come into our lives for a purpose – one that is not always favorable to us – because sometimes they come into our lives, bringing pain and misery with them.
But sometimes, it’s a test of time — to teach us valuable lessons of love and worth. Maryam came into my life for that purpose. She was there when I needed someone to make me see a new beginning . Although our friendship was brief, Maryam will always be the girl who transformed the dead sparrow into a monarch butterfly.
And then Lila walked into my life, with all her sass and intelligence. We were both outsiders within the walls of Berkshire Academy, and we only had each other to depend on. Sometimes, soulmates come in the form of friends. It’s not always about love and romance, which I have long given up on.
Lila slowly eradicated my bullies with her smartness and wickedness.
She’s the sweetest thing I know, but damn — Lila has a menacing side. It reminds me to never get on her bad side.
I still remember the day she calmly walked around Berkshire’s hallway after smartly locking the boy’s changing room and putting laxatives in Jasper’s bottle — which ended with him embarrassing himself publicly. I didn’t know what she had done until after the events occurred. She had been the epitome of calm, so much so that I didn’t suspect a thing. Until she herself told me what she had done. I really thought she’d get caught that day, but maybe fate was on her side. Hence why I think Lila Garcia is made of magic.
We never saw Jasper again after that day. It was rumored that he left Berkshire in complete humiliation, and had his father move him to a different state.
After that, a scandal shook the core of Berkshire Academy, which diverted the attention from me and Lila. An affair between a teacher and a student — an ex-friend of mine and Jenny’s bestie — Sasha. The teacher was fired, and while Sasha wasn’t expelled, her life was turned upside down. She was ostracized and the bullies found a new victim, until she had no choice but to leave Berkshire for good.
After Jasper left, Jenny tried to dig her claws into the next popular guy. Our infamous quarterback, and the King of Berkshire Academy, Maddox Coulter.
But Maddox had absolutely no interest in indulging her and her fakeness. When she realized she had no power over Maddox, Jenny tried to get with his best friend, Colton Bennett. I heard gossip of them sleeping together, but even that didn’t last long.
After a while, Jenny lost the power she held.
Until she became nothing and nobody.
Berkshire Academy is a shark tank. It devours the weak and the vulnerable, leaving behind a pile of bones. Lila and I survived the rest of our junior year by keeping our heads down and blending in with the crowd.
Lila taps the map on her bed, bringing my attention to it. “So, where are we going?”
“I’m thinking the Grand Canyon,” I tell her thoughtfully, taking a sip of my raspberry juice. We’re planning our summer trip. “What do you think?”
Lila hums under her breath. “Arizona. Yeah, I’ve never been there. I think it’s the perfect vacationing spot. And we can visit Lake Powell. I’ve always wanted to go there after seeing all those gorgeous photos online.”
“I’ve never been there either. My family owns a cabin in Arizona, near the Grand Canyon. So, we can stay there for a few weeks.” The perfect opportunity for me to avoid my parents as much as I can during the summer.
My modeling and pageant career ended after what happened at the Christmas gala and then I had to leave for rehab, which put a full-stop on my social activities. My mother tried to get me back into the business, but no one wanted to be associated with the disgraced daughter of Thomas and Nora Johnson.
My mother’s disappointment and my father’s belittling still echo in my ears. It hurts not having their understanding or support. They still refuse to acknowledge my eating or anxiety disorder. But I, for once, am happy with not having to fit into the role of the perfect and poised Riley Johnson anymore. The one who has to uphold her mother’s name and her father’s image.
My father still has a tight control on my life. He decided I will be going to Yale for my undergraduate education and he gave me two options for my major— a B.A in Ethic, Politics and Economics or a B.A in Political Science. I knew the right choice, per my father’s interest, would be Political Science. So I chose Ethic, Politics and Economics instead. A little act of rebellion, even if it didn’t matter a whole lot.
It somehow made me feel in control, even though I wasn’t. Because if I truly had a choice, I would have chosen an undergrad degree in English and Literature.
“Oh, by the way, I finished Famine by Laura Thalassa,” Lila tells me. She gets off of her twin bed and moves to her tiny bookshelf. “Here, thanks for lending me the book. I made sure not to fold the corner of the page this time and used a proper bookmark.”
I am proud to say that I got Lila into reading romance books. She used to like murder and mystery novels, but, of course, I had to point her down the right path of literature. Romance.
And tragedies, because I love those too. But mostly romance, with happy endings.
She hands me back my book, and I gladly take it. “You didn’t dog-ear my paperback this time?”
Lila rolls her eyes. “Nope. Your precious paperback is safe and sound.”
“Thank God.” I release a relieved sigh.
She pouts grumpily and throws her extra bed pillow at me. I easily dodge it, and it hits the wall, right behind me, falling back onto the mattress. “So, any other smutty recommendations?”
“Hmm.” I think about the recent book I’ve read. “I’ve read Sam Mariano recently, if youfinally want to give the bully trope a chance.”
“I might give it a chance if you promise to read Finley Fenn.”
“Who?”
Lila smiles, all teeth, which worries me. “Orc dick,” she whispers, her eyes lighting up with mischief. “Orc dick and lots of fluids. Buckets of cum. Breeding kink. The smuttiest.”
“Orcs?” I gasp. “You’re reading about orcs now? Last week it was blue aliens!”
I might have brought Lila into the world of romancelandia, but she tragically fell into the dark hole of monster romance. At this point, she’s beyond saving.
“Hey, don’t yuck on it until you’ve tried it,” she defends, pouting again. Lila types something on her phone and then shows me her screen. “See? That’s how the orcs look. The author commissioned artwork for the characters. Not what you were imagining, right?”
Oh. He looks somehow human. Just…green. With fangs.
But definitely a lot more handsome than I was imagining.
“Uhm, maybe I’ll give it a chance,” I tell her, still somewhat unsure about her recommendation. But then again, that’s what we do. We share our favorite books with each other. Our own little book club. Just the two of us.
Speaking of smut though…
“I have a question.” I reach for the pillow Lila threw at me earlier and bring it to my lap. “It’s a bit personal.”
Lila slowly cocks her head to the side. “Oh yeah? What is it?”
“Have you ever orgasmed before?” I sputter quickly before I lose the courage to ask. This is more personal for me than her.
“Yes. But why are you asking?”
“Solo or with someone else?”
She quirks up her eyebrow at me. “Solo. I’ve only had sex once, and it was rather subpar. I didn’t orgasm then because my first time was actually quite painful. But I’ve found my own release afterward. A little bit of self-care goes a long way.”
“So, you can come, on your own?”
“Yes,” she says again, dragging out the word. “Is there something wrong?”
Yes, something is very wrong with me.
“I think my vagina is broken,” I blurt out and then slap my hand over my mouth.
Lila’s eyes widen and, for a long minute, she stares at me in silence. “I’m sorry, what?”
I chew on the inside of my cheek, half-grimacing and half-wishing I never started this conversation. Because now I have to tell Lila another flaw of mine. “I can’t…orgasm.”
“You can’t orgasm?” she reiterates slowly. “Why do you think that?”
I throw my hands in the air. “Because I’ve tried everything !”
My own fingers, toys, my imagination, some fancy vibrator and even the freaking showerhead. But nothing works.
It’s not that I don’t feel pleasure. I do…and I enjoy touching myself when I’m in the mood for it, but I only ever reach the edge of it, not the peak. No fireworks and no climax. I can’t orgasm.
Hence — I’ve been sexually frustrated for a very long time.
And I can’t find a solution for it.
So, yeah…my vagina is broken.
“Have you tried watching porn and touching yourself?”
“Yes, but it doesn’t work and just leaves me feeling awkward.” I shake my head. “It’s just… frustrating .”
“Oookay, well…there are two sex toys I found and they have explosive reviews online. So maybe, you can give those a try? The first one is the Heated Rabbit Vibrator , which I ordered for myself two days ago and the other is clitoral vibrator. I’ll find the links and send them to you.”
“They probably won’t work for me,” I mumble, feeling myself flush at the confession. “Nothing works. I’ll probably never experience an orgasm in my life!”
“Give it a try first. Don’t worry.” She pats my knee, almost emphatically. “We will figure something out for your sad vagina.”
I can’t help but huff at her choice of words. “Mission help Riley orgasm?”
Lila shakes her head once and then stares at me, ever so seriously. “Nope. We will call it mission: Help Save Riley’s Vagina from a Depressive and Lonely Life.”
I blink and we hold each other’s gaze for a long minute. Lila’s facial expression changes first and then I can’t help but follow. It starts with us snickering and then ends up with full uncontrollable giggling.
“This is serious, Lila!” I fall back onto her mattress and cover my face with my hands. I can’t look at her. The whole bed is shaking with our laughter.
“I am being serious!”
“I hate you sometimes,” I tell her, half-crying and half-laughing.
Our laughter dies down after a while, and we’re both breathless for some time. I stay on my back, and Lila scoots in closer until our shoulders touch. We both stare up at her starry ceiling. They look better at night, when her room is dark and her ceiling lights up. I’ve fallen asleep here plenty of times before.
“We got each other, right?” she asks softly.
I blindly reach for her hand and give it a squeeze. “Yeah, we got each other,” I agree, my voice just barely above a whisper.