CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Riley — 18 years old
“Are you going to continue leaving me in suspense or will you tell me how your date went?” Lila grumbles, picking the pepperoni off her pizza and eating it just like that.
I take a bite of my own slice, chewing slowly and enjoying the flavorful taste of mozzarella cheese, soft crust and spicy pepperoni.
Dr. Bailey has helped me come up with my own personal coping plan. I made a list of different triggers that could possibly cause me to act on my eating-disorder urges. Then, I came up with a plan for dealing with each of these triggers in a healthier way.
I used to think it was pointless to even try.
I thought I couldn’t possibly separate my eating disorder from myself. I am it; it is me. It’s an invisible choking hand around my neck, like a noose that’s ever present.
But Dr. Bailey would be proud to know that I have a healthy appetite now, and a better relationship with food. That I can eat without the need to hunch over the toilet afterward, to rid myself of all the calories intake. The more I learn what my triggers are, what I am good at and where my vulnerabilities lie — the easier it is for me to adapt. To cope. To recover.
Sometimes the urge to binge-eat is still there. Some days my anxiety has me thinking that the only solution to all my problems is to purge. But I don’t let those intrusive thoughts win anymore. I can’t…
Because I want to be better. I am better.
Healthier. Happier.
Sure, I still panic at the thought of eating in a public setting. That’s one of my triggers. But I’m better at avoiding these situations now. There are only a few people I’m comfortable eating in front of. Lila, for one.
And Grayson…
“We went to some fancy restaurant, but he realized I wasn’t very comfortable, so we left,” I tell her, a smile playing across my lips as I remember our date in detail.
Grayson’s thoughtfulness. His tender touch. His ravenous kisses.
Lila sits up, frowning. She’s so protective, it’s kinda cute. “You left? What happened to the date? That was it? Did he drop you home then?”
“No, he took me to a meadow. We had our food there, and then we just talked.”
“Ohhh. A picnic.” She nods, satisfied with my answers. “Okay, that’s nice.”
My smile widens. “Yup.”
“Was there any making out involved?” Lila wiggles her eyebrows suggestively.
Oh, we made out. A lot. For hours. I can still feel him on my lips, and the ghost of his touch over my body. On my face, my hips…
“What do you think?”
“I think you’re getting more action than I am.” Lila pouts.
I finish my slice of pizza and lick my fingers. My mother would have possible heart failure if she saw me licking my fingers. Riley! That’s very unladylike , she’d gasp dramatically.
I take my second slice from the box and settle against Lila’s pillows. “Well, Maddox is right there if you want some action .”
She frowns. “Maddox is my friend.”
Ah yes. Enemies to friends. How…peculiar and unexpected. I don’t know how it happened. But one day, Lila and Maddox called a truce to their rivalry. The pranks ended and they walked into Berkshire Academy as partners, instead of foes.
I even walked out to check if the sun had disappeared from the sky, because that’s how shocking their ‘friendship’ was.
I don’t know how this relationship will evolve, but it’s interesting to see Maddox softening toward Lila. His assholery has no limits, but Lila is fierce and stubborn. She knows how to handle him well. Maddox might deny it, but I think Lila has won this war.
He’s like putty in the palm of her hands and she doesn’t even realize it yet. He follows her around like a little puppy.
Or Poodle— as Lila likes to call him.
“ You friend-zoned him. I bet if you ask him for sexual services, he’ll be all over you.”
“Riley!” Lila gasps. “I’m not asking him for sexual favors; he’s my friend.”
“A friend who wants to sleep with you. He’s made his intentions pretty clear. I mean, he looks at your ass more than your face.”
Lila doesn’t deny my words because she knows they’re true. She rolls her eyes instead. “Maddox is an ass man, what can I do? But we promised each other. No sex. If we have sex, it defeats the purpose of us being friends. ”
There’s one thing I like about Maddox. He might be a jerk, but he respects Lila’s boundaries. “Friends with benefits,” I suggest, pursing my lips to hide my grin.
“Ugh, Riley! Stop giving me bad ideas!”
“It’s not a bad idea if you end up having mind-blowing sex. He sure looks like he knows how to work his tool. You’ve heard the girls talk, the ones who’ve had sex with him.”
“His tool?” Lila stares at me for a second, before bursting into giggles. “Seriously, I think you need to stop talking now. I don’t want to think about girls gushing over Maddox’s tool.”
“I mean, aren’t you at least curious?”
“Curious about what?”
“What his dick looks like.” I raise an eyebrow questioningly. I know my best friend and I know she’s curious by nature. I also know she must have envisioned Maddox’s dick in full detail.
Lila flushes and averts her gaze.
“You have!” I accuse, a laughter bubbling from my chest. “Look at you blushing!”
She crosses her arms over her chest, pouting. “He is my friend and guess what? I have great self-control.”
Ah…I wonder how long her so-called self-control will last.
I know it will happen.
One day.
Maybe not tomorrow, or next week. But I know both Maddox and Lila will eventually succumb to the sexual tension between us. Either he will break first, or Lila will. And when they do, it might just be volatile. Because that’s how intense they are together.
“What about Grayson? Still the gentleman?” Lila asks, shoving the last bite of her pizza slice into her mouth.
“He hasn’t touched me below the waist yet.”
“Ugh.”
There’s one thing about Grayson. He’s a little too thoughtful and too respectful. I know he wants me; I’ve felt just how hard his dick gets during our heated make-out sessions, but he’s never made a move beyond our kisses. I know he’s giving me time, that he wants to take this slowly.
But—
I think I am more than ready now.
If only I had a way to tell him that.
He wants me, I know it. I see it in his heated stares and feel the fevered passion in his touches. But I need his passion without the clothes between us, without a barrier.
I need skin to skin.
I don’t know how this happened, or how exactly it began.
I don’t understand how my heart has quickly become entangled with his.
My anxiety comes with a lot of overthinking and trust issues, but somehow, my gut instincts tell me that Grayson is trustworthy. He is safe. I knew he was, since the night in the alley. Because if he was a dangerous man, someone with vile intentions, he wouldn’t have let me go that night. Like he once said…it was kismet that brought us together.
And for once in my life, I want to trust my fate with him.
My heart is safe with Grayson.
Lila reaches for her laptop and then plops back against her set of pillows. She has more pillows on her bed than actual sleeping space. “Wait, are you going to Colton’s party next weekend?”
My mood instantly sours at the mention of his name.
“I’m not really interested,” I grumble under my breath.
I’ve avoided him since Halloween night, and to my utter surprise, he hasn’t been much of a bother either. His dirty remarks and vile taunts have been shockingly non-existent.
Somehow, I think he’s been acting like less of a jerk because Maddox is friends with Lila now. And I am Lila’s best friend. If he’s an asshole to me, Lila will have a problem with it, which will then become Maddox’s problem. Because everything that concerns Lila, concerns him too.
Because of the relationship between Maddox and Lila, Colton and I run in the same circles now. He’s everywhere I look, everywhere I go. Always present, like a looming shadow over me.
Colton is a constant reminder of what I want to forget— the moment I spent in his arms, and the heartbreak that came afterward.
His cruel words are seared in my memory; he’s tainted my soul with them. He made me feel dirty … and humiliated. Like I was just some common whore who he got off.
My first orgasm was charity from Colton Bennett.
But he’s been really quiet around me lately and we’re tolerating each other for the sake of Maddox and Lila, but…I feel his burning stares on me all the time.
Colton Bennett watches me and there’s a predatory feel in his gaze. Sometimes it seems like there’s an invisible chain holding him back, and he’s just waiting for the moment it snaps.
He knows I want nothing to do with him; yet, his eyes are always on me.
It unnerves me — his defiant attention.
There’s a bitterness that resides in Colton.
A familiar sullenness that lives in me too — a bottled fury.
But that’s exactly the problem…
You can’t put two bitter people together and expect them to get along.
Colton and I will burn the moment we touch.
“If you don’t go, I won’t have anyone to hang out with,” Lila complains, pouting.
“You’ll have Maddox.”
She scowls. “Just because he’s my friend now, doesn’t mean I need you less. I want my girl-friend with me or else it’ll be boring.”
“Your life would definitely be boring without me,” I agree with great confidence.
“What’s the point of going to the party then? Maddox wants me there, and I want you there. It won’t be the same without you.” After a handful of seconds, she tries another tactic. “I know you and Colton don’t get along much, but what if you bring Grayson? You won’t be bored then. You’ll have your man and I’ll have Maddox.”
I slowly tilt my head at her words. “Maddox is your man?” I’m only half-teasing.
“Huh?”
Laughter bubbles from my chest. “You don’t even realize how much deep shit you’re in.”
“Shut up, Riley,” she grumbles unhappily.
“I’ll shut up now. But mark my words — you and Maddox? It’s going to happen.”
“Why is it so hard to believe that we’re just friends?”
“Because Lila, my love…it’s inevitable. Boys like Maddox? They love playing with fire. And Lila? Maddox Coulter will blindly walk into flames and burn to ashes for you, if he has to.”
It’s literally written in the stars for them.
I don’t understand how they are still denying it.
“And, yeah…I’ll come to the party,” I finally tell her when she’s grown silent. Lila nods quietly, a far-away look in her eyes. Lost in her thoughts. Thinking about my words.
But there’s one thing I know about Lila…
She’s over-the-top stubborn.
And so is Maddox.
***
The clinking of our forks and knives against our plates are the only sound echoing through the walls of the dining room. My parents don’t speak during dinner; they rarely ever do. And if they do speak, it’s always to point out my flaws or something I’ve done to displease them.
It’s never, “How are you? How was your day?”
It’s never, “I am proud of you.”
It’s always, “You’ve disappointed me, Riley.”
It’s a ruthless cycle, one I’ve desperately been trying to break free from. But I can’t.
This vessel that carries me, my withering soul, and the heart that beats in my chest — they’ve molded me, like a piece of clay, into the way I am now. They used their bare hands to sculpt Riley Johnson into the woman they want her to be.
I cut my steak into smaller pieces. Their plates are almost clear, but I’ve only taken two tiny bites so far. And those bites have settled heavily in my stomach. The steak tastes bland and I feel gross. The potato gratin on my plate makes me nauseous.
I’m already uncomfortably full, and barely had two bites.
My father wipes his mouth with his napkin, always meticulous in his actions. I wait for him to get up and leave, so I can get away too. But he doesn’t rise to his feet like I expect him to.
He drops the napkin next to his empty porcelain plate and takes a slow sip of his red wine. “You’re dating Grayson Hale,” he tells me, matter-of-factly.
It’s not a question. His words are a statement.
I should have known…I couldn’t possibly keep my relationship with Grayson a secret. Not that I want to keep him a secret. But I want more time with him…
Before I am forced to break our hearts. I know my father, and Grayson is not his ideal option for me, considering his past.
“He’s a good choice,” my father continues, toneless. “He’s a Hale, after all.”
My head snaps up, and I gape at him. Did I just hear him correctly?
“Benjamin Hale is a judge, and Grayson will most likely follow in his footsteps.” My father rises to his feet, pushing his chair away as he does. “You’ve done one thing right in your life, Riley. Don’t ruin this. I expect great things from you.”
My heart drops into the pit of my stomach and a prickling feeling shoots up my spine.
He steps away from the table, and I watch him walk away. My mother makes a sound in the back of her throat, bringing my attention to her. Her makeup, her hair and everything about her is flawless. As always. But she looks more like a lifeless doll than a human.
“You have the qualities to wrap a man like Grayson around your finger, Riley. Don’t waste it. You have the face and the body.” She lifts her chin, giving me that haughty familiar look. “I’ve taught you everything I know, don’t disappoint us.”
She leaves the table too, and the moment I am alone, my chest rattles with a sharp inhale. It feels like my rib cage is caving inward, trapping and squeezing my lungs. Mercilessly.
I can’t breathe under the pressure.
They approve of Grayson…
But it comes with a price.
I refuse to let my parents taint what Grayson and me have.
He’s special: our feelings for each other are neither fake nor an arrangement.
We are not an illusion or a pretty facade to manipulate those around us.
Grayson is real with me.
And I won’t allow anyone to poison what we are together.