Chapter 21
MARK
SEAN: Uh . . . Hello. Are you going to give us something?
SHANE: Bro? Seriously, something, or I’m coming over and find out what the hell is going on.
SHANE: Mark, if you’re having one of your diva meltdowns, just tell us.
SEAN: We’ll give you 24 more hours to sulk, and then I’m dragging your ass out of that house.
SEAN: Unless you want to tell us something about why Alex showed up at your house.
SHANE: 19 more hours, asshole.
SEAN: 18 and a half.
ME: Listen, dickheads, I’m good. Keep your panties on. I need a few days.
ME: I love you.
SHANE: What have you done?
______
I tug my hat lower and slide my fingers through hers.
I really hope I don’t regret this.
We step into a small brewery with an industrial vibe and lead her to an open table in the back corner. I pull out a metal stool for Lex, then move the other closer to her, keeping my back to the room.
The place isn’t crowded, but most of the tables and seats at the bar are occupied. A game plays on the large mounted screens, but the only thing I’m interested in is sitting across from me .
I watch Lex’s fingers move to her silver stud and twist, round and round. Twist. Rest. Twist. Rest. Twist. Her blonde hair falls in waves over her gray T-shirt as she surveys the small space.
“What’s wrong?” Her blue eyes meet mine, but she’s somewhere far away. She doesn’t say anything, but her chest rises with a deep breath. “Whatever it is, tell me.”
She glances around the space again before her eyes dart back to mine. “I don’t know if I’m ready for this.”
My heart stutters, but I will it to stay calm. “Ready for what?”
“I don’t know how to do this.”
“Do what?”
Both slender shoulders rise and fall. “Be normal with you . . . like this. What if someone recognizes you?”
I lean back in my seat as relief kicks my heart back into rhythm. I turn, glancing around the room and the bar area where everyone is minding their own business.
I didn’t think about how intimidating this might be to her and how dealing with my lifestyle will take some getting used to.
“Do you want to go?”
She stares at me, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth, and then shakes her head.
I lean closer to her, tipping her chin toward me. “It’s just you and me. My life is big sometimes, but not tonight.” I grab menus from the napkin holder, handing her one.
She ignores the menu; her body is still rigid and tense. I grab her hand underneath the table. “Lex, if anyone recognizes me, I’ll deal with it.”
She nods, searching the room again like she’s waiting for someone to pop out, then focuses on her lap. I watch her, wondering what’s going on.
“So, you don’t care if people see us together?”
“The season is over. When we’re ready, we’ll let the whole world know. It will change things, and I want to be sure you’re comfortable with that. It’s too late to change my profession, and unfortunately, that involves people being all up in my business.”
“I’m not very good at being social, and I still can’t . . . ” Her eyes flick to the menu in front of her and then back to me .
She shrinks before my eyes, and I know exactly what’s going on. I saw her cower in high school when other kids teased and mimicked her when she was forced to read out loud. They laughed and whispered as they passed her desk while she tried to complete a test. But she fought, barely scraping by and trying so hard not to let it show or let anyone see her struggle. I see the effects of the trauma remain.
“Lex.” Her gaze stays glued to the table, and I wait. “Lex, look at me.” It takes a second, but she finally drags her eyes to mine, shame written all over her face. “You have nothing to worry about. You’re the smartest, most capable person I know. The rest of us had it easy, but you figured out how to survive and learn despite the challenge. Baby, you’re incredible. Anyone worth a shit will see that.” Her head falls to the side, still full of doubt. “Besides, I’m really good at talking. I’ll say enough for the both of us.”
That earns me the slightest smile, and she reaches for my hand resting on the table and slipping her palm beneath mine. “I need to call Grandpa. I left after hearing him and Slade talking. Not my most mature move. I didn’t tell him where I was going. I’m still so . . . ”
She swallows, her eyes glistening. I’d like to have a chat with Cal.
“I thought the shop would be mine. I guess I was stupid to think that, but I still can’t . . . ” She pauses, and I know it’s coming. The key to the box where she keeps everything she thinks about herself.
Her chin finally tips up, but barely enough to meet my gaze. “I can’t do all the things it would require. At least not easily, and accuracy and efficiency are important.”
I hate that she believes that to be true. “Lex, it wasn’t stupid. I bet your grandpa would even tell you that.”
Her head drops again. “Maybe. Probably not when he finds out I’m pregnant.” Her hand moves to her stomach.
I can’t help but smile. “One way or another, you’re still going to get to do what you love. That I can promise.” She holds back a weak smile while I make it my mission to see that she gets to. “Speaking of the little surprise nugget, I want to tell Shane and Sean about us and the squirt.”
One blonde eyebrow raises. “Squirt?”
“Yep. Baby Sandberg. Then I’ll need to talk to my agent, but we get to decide when and how this news spreads, ok?” Her eyes roam my face as she studies me. “What? ”
One side of her mouth curls up slightly. “Nothing. You’re like this hot elite baller, but also this businessman calling the shots.”
I rest back on my stool, my mouth creeping into a fat-ass grin. “You think I’m hot?”
She rolls her eyes as her cheeks turn pink, and I love that I still make that happen. I tug her wrist to my lips, and she’s forced to lean closer as a ruckus breaks out behind us.
A band of guys, loud and clearly loaded, bound through the doors and up to the bar. A quick glance tells me these guys are here to have fun, but not a group I want to get caught up in for a meet and greet.
I turn back to Lex, her eyes set on the frat boys. “Let’s get out of here, go by the store, and eat at home.”
She hides a smile, telling me she likes of the idea. I grab her hand, pull my hat low, and make for the door. Just as I’m about to pass the large group, two more guys push through the glass door and almost step right into me. They stop in their tracks.
“Hey, aren’t you . . . ”
I pull Lex closer, trying to step around them, but there’s no room.
“We heard you were training here during the offseason.”
I meet the guy’s eyes, making it clear I’m not interested in chatting. In normal circumstances, I’d stop for a second, take a few pictures, and move on, but not tonight. Lex’s hand wraps around my forearm.
“Thanks, man. We were just leaving. Hope you guys have a good night.”
“How’s the shoulder? We’re all waiting to see who takes you on next season.” A few more chime in, and Lex presses into me. I slip my arm around her, tucking her into my side.
I give a friendly smile, hoping it will make him move aside. “It’s healing and feeling good,” I say, as my arm rests in its sling.
“Yo, it’s Mark Sandberg.”
Fuck. This is not how I wanted tonight to go. The entire band of brothers turns our way, all yelling at the same time, throwing out questions, and pulling out phones. We’re stuck right in the middle.
I hold up my hand. “Hey, guys. We need to get going. I appreciate you and your support. Hope you have fun.”
I move to step around the two guys again, and they reek of liquor. They move to the side, but not enough that I don’t hear the comment .
“Boys, Sandberg’s got himself a new flavor of the week. Young and fresh.”
Lex’s hands loosen their hold on me, and they might as well have reached in and grabbed hold of my insides instead. Past decisions will always come back to haunt you. Even though mine aren’t as they seem, it doesn’t make any difference when they pierce the one I’d never want to hurt.
I firm up my grip on her hand but turn to address the group, not knowing who decided to be an asshole. “There’s only ever been one.” I press my hand into her back, moving her forward through the small space to the door. “Don’t believe everything you read, guys.”
We step into the evening air, and I follow Lex to the car. Her downcast face and quick steps tell me what they said got to her. We climb in, but I sit there trying to figure out exactly what to say, but nothing comes.
Lex starts the car as I ask Suri for directions to the nearest grocery store, also needing her to provide insight on how to handle this. It’s the shame I carry. I made years of bad decisions while trying to forget the only one I’ve ever wanted. Payment for my dumb ass behavior was just collected, and the currency was a kick in the gut of the one I love.
While Lex sits next to me, staring out the window, I want to punch myself in the face. I know it wasn’t anything like how it appeared, but the media knows how to sell stories, and at that time, I didn’t care.
The challenge is getting Lex to see that appearance isn’t even close to reality when the only thing I have to offer is my word.
______
If I were captured by international spies and they needed a torture device to get me to talk, all they’d have to do is sit Lex in front of me and have her give me sad silence. I’d carve my own heart out with a spoon and serve it to them on a platter so I didn’t have to suffer the agony for another second.
We left the brewery and ran through the grocery store, going our separate ways so she could grab a few items she needed while I gathered food for dinner. The whole time, I was met with calm and quiet, and my skin shrunk two sizes .
Now, she’s in my room checking in with her grandpa, and if she tells him where she is, I wonder if he’ll give her even more reason to be hurt. Fear is clawing at my every nerve, waiting to see her roll out with her suitcase in tow and give me the big ‘have a nice life.’
I pull the chicken off the grill and step inside, leaving the large glass slider open to let the cool evening breeze in. I place the chicken on our plates of rice and salad, and Lex steps into the kitchen, looking just as despondent as she had when we got home. Her hair is damp, and she has on an old T-shirt that stabs me in the chest, seeing it’s not mine.
She tugs at her ear. “Sorry, I took a shower. I couldn’t stand those pants one more second.” Her hand runs over her stomach but quickly falls away.
I stare at her. Say something, you idiot. “Did you talk to your grandpa?”
She bites her lip. “I panicked. I’m not sure what I want to say yet or how I feel and I don’t want to get into where I am. I was a coward and voice-messaged him to let him know I’d be home in a few days. The guys are probably cussing me sideways for leaving them high and dry.”
“It’s understandable, given what you learned.” Her eyes drop to her bare feet, but she doesn’t say anything. I lift my plate. “Can you grab yours?” I gesture to the other plate. “I thought we’d eat outside.”
She watches me for a moment before following me. I cross the patio, passing the pool to the small rectangle of turf. I sit, setting my plate in front of me, but Lex stops ten feet away, staring.
I can’t read the look on her face, and my heart picks up pace again. “I thought . . . .” Shit, maybe this was a terrible idea. I inhale, needing my body to settle down and find some shard of confidence that has left me high and dry for being such a complete dumbass. “I thought we could eat like we used to.”
Her head falls to the side while her light blue eyes search my face as if she’s trying to dissect my thoughts. Then, after a moment, she brings her plate and takes a seat next to me, crossing her legs.
We take the first few bites in silence as the sun sets behind the neighboring houses, casting a golden glow over the backyard and pool. The air chills, and I hand her a blanket that she spreads over her lap.
I let the silence linger, trying to work up the courage to address my poor past choices, but it was how I survived.
“The food is really good. Thank you,” she says quietly .
I watch her take another bite, and the tension that’s gripped my body relaxes a little. “Yeah? It wasn’t what I had in mind, but I guess it’s not bad.”
She side-eyes me, pushing some rice around her plate with her fork. “I like this better. This reminds me of hanging out with you on the field after everyone else went home. Those nights are my favorite memories.”
My mind flashes back to our high school football field, lying on a blanket in the dark, staring up at the sky, and sharing secrets. It’s where I fell in love with Lex, where she let me see her soul, and I gave her mine.
“Mine, too. Knowing I’d get to make out with you got me through each game.”
She rolls her eyes and backhands my stomach. She brushes my sling, and I rub at it like she hurt me.
Her eyes grow wide. “I’m sorry. Are you ok?” I grin, hoping I’m getting her back. “You jerk. I thought I hurt you.”
I move our plates to the side and pull her closer to me, making sure she’s covered with the blanket. I slide my arm around her, and she rests her head on my shoulder as we watch the sky darken, just like we used to. I stare into the dusk, trying to find the words to express what I need her to know.
“Lex, those nights, those memories are what got me through all these years. They were all I had left of you. Just visions, but as time passed, they were slipping away. I started to wonder if they were even real or . . . if I’d made it all up. I missed you so much.” My throat tingles, and I clear it.
Her hand slides over my stomach, and she pinches my shirt between her fingers.
“When you didn’t call and then changed your number, I couldn’t understand. I was angry and hurt, and for a long time, I tried to figure out what happened. But I couldn’t. I didn’t understand how I could’ve been so wrong.”
“Mark—”
She starts, but I cut her off, needing to get this out while I can. “I did stupid things trying to get you out of my head. I convinced myself that if I kept pushing forward, trying to move on, I’d forget you. I slept around in college and drank myself silly, but after a while . . . It didn’t work, so I gave everything I had to football. Once I made the draft, a whole new world opened up to me. Women started throwing themselves at me everywhere I turned.”
Her hand releases my shirt, but she leaves it there, limp on my stomach.
“So, I went out, trying to find someone to make me forget. I kept trying and trying, wanting someone, anyone, to erase how you felt in my arms, how you smelled, laughed . . . How safe I felt to be me when I was with you.”
She must feel my heart pounding and rests her hand over it.
“Lex, what that guy said tonight, it wasn’t like that. I’m not proud of some of the things I’ve done, and I did some stupid shit, hurt a lot of feelings, but it wasn’t what it looked like. I promise.”
“Mark, you don’t have to explain anything to me. I don’t deserve it.”
I pull away, needing to see her. The calm gray dusk falls around us, but I can make out her grief and . . . something else unfamiliar.
“I want you to know. To understand. I hate that my actions have some dick saying things like that about you.” I hold her face, forcing her to look at me. “I went out with a lot of women. A lot of different women, but that’s it. We went out. I wasn’t taking them home. I need you to know that. I couldn’t. Every time I even thought about it, I knew I’d only be thinking about you.”
Warm dampness seeps under my thumb, and I brush her tears away. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I didn’t know—”
“Mark, stop.” She drops her head. “Please. Stop.”
My dinner stirs in my stomach, and a burn crawls through my chest as it tightens. “Lex, I’m sorry—”
She pushes away from me. “Mark, stop! I don’t care what that guy said.”
My breath catches in my throat, and I can’t speak. I don’t know what is happening, and I have to swallow hard to keep my dinner down, the cold spike of panic thrusting it upward.
Her head hangs as she swipes tears away. “Don’t. Stop apologizing. I can’t—”
“Lex, I know what that guy said tonight hurt you.” I breathe, trying to steady myself .
She sniffs, her head hanging low. “It killed something inside me every time I saw or thought about you with someone else, but I deserved it.” She wipes her nose on her wrist. “It’s my fault. I . . . I wanted to go with you, and I wanted you to stay, but you couldn’t. You had to go, and I had to . . . I wanted everything for you. I couldn’t let anything hold you back. I wanted you to be happy and achieve everything I knew you could.”
Her sad, shiny eyes meet mine in the dark. “I made a choice, and I couldn’t take it back. I thought you were happy. You looked so happy. I forced myself to be fine. I pretended to be someone else so it wouldn’t hurt so bad. I didn’t want to be me . . . with anyone else.”
A fist slams into my throat, and I’m done with the distance between us. I pull her to me, wrapping my arm around her shoulders to hold her close. “I’m so angry with myself that I didn’t come back.” My lips brush against her temple.
“I would’ve only held you back. You would’ve never left again.”
“I wouldn’t have,” I whisper, unable to breathe through the ache ricocheting through my chest.
“I know.” Her lip quivers. “That’s why you had to go, and I had to be sure you wouldn’t come back. I wouldn’t let—”
I press my lips to her salty cheek, wanting her mouth. I know if I start, I won’t stop, so damn scared she’s going to disappear again.
We stay like that, linked together for a long time, eventually lying together, staring at the sky. Lex pulls the blanket up and rests her head on my chest.
Everything seems precarious, as if I’m walking a tightrope. One wrong move, and when I turn, she’ll have fallen away. Tonight, though, feels like a monumental moment in finding each other again and gaining back some of what we lost. The trust and connection we once had. The devotion. I want it all.
I speak softly into the dark night, taking a risk and knowing the answer determines the stability of our new foundation. “Do you trust me?”
Her body stiffens slightly, and I know my question caught her off guard. “Can I?” Her question is simple yet profound.
“Yes, with everything. I may screw up a lot of things, but I won’t mess that up. I promise.”
She snuggles into my chest, and her voice is so soft I almost don’t hear her. “I know. ”
My entire body warms at her faith in me. There was a time when I deserved it. That time isn’t now, but I’ll do anything to earn it back, which begins with never making her question it.
“Mark.” She says my name softly, tentatively.
“Hmmm.”
“I know I lost yours when I disappeared.” She links her fingers through mine and pulls them into her chest. “I’m not going anywhere this time. I won’t ever leave like that again. I promise.”
I inhale a long, deep breath and let it out, needing those words probably more than any other. I press my lips to her forehead. “Good. I’m not about to let you go. Ever.” She tips her chin up and places a gentle kiss on my neck. Heat radiates through my body, but I push it aside for tonight. Lying here with her is all I want.
“Lex, I’m a little worried about your grandpa kicking my ass.”
She laughs, and it’s the cure for my weary soul. “You should be more worried about not signing his posters that night you showed up. I haven’t heard the end of it.”
“What?” I laugh. “You told him I was there?”
“Yeah, I was kind of a mess, but he was worried about his posters.”
“I’ll make sure I sign them this time. Maybe even throw in a football if he doesn’t kill me for making him a great-grandpa.”
Lex reaches up to push my hair out of my eyes, which is way past needing to be cut. “Thank you for going back with me.”
“I want to do all of this with you.”
She pulls her bottom lip between her teeth, making me want to kiss her, but I can tell she’s thinking. We agreed to take things slow, and there’s nothing slow about what’s going through my head at the moment.
“What happens then?” she asks.
“Babe, I don’t know.” I stare at the sky, hoping it will give us answers. She rests her head next to mine, her hand flat on my chest.
“One step at a time. Your grandpa might chop my balls off and leave me to bleed to death. Then we won’t have anything left to discuss.”
She buries her face in my neck, suppressing her laugh. “Well, you might be right.”