Chapter 13 #2
“June.” I shake his hand. Firm grip noted.
“How do you know Chloe?” he asks, his eyes on mine, and they’re so blue. Like he’s a Siberian husky or something.
“We met in freshman year,” I say. “What about you?” I ask, pretending I don’t know.
“I was a TA in one of her classes.”
“Oh wow.” I smile. “So what do—”
“Hey!” Ryan calls out behind Adina and me, to a girl who looks like his female counterpart—blue eyes and blond hair. She walks toward us and gives Ryan a quick kiss. “Hey, baby,” he says. “Dina, June, this is my fiancée, Crystal.”
“Nice to meet you.” Adina tips her drink.
“Of course it is.” I smile and shake Crystal’s hand.
“What’s that?” She leans in closer to hear me better.
“Oh nothing, I just—I see Chloe calling me. Nice to meet you both.”
I leave the three of them and push my way to the kitchen.
There’s a table set up as a drink station and the bottle of wine we brought sits in the pile of red Solo cups and beer.
I pull it out of the group and tuck it away in the cupboard below, making a mental note to remind Chloe about it for a rainy day.
There are probably a good fifteen people over capacity and I can’t even see Adam anymore, but I spot Chloe on the fire escape by herself and grab another beer.
“Hey.” I crawl through the window and sit beside her. The night air is sticky and hot, but it still feels cooler than inside the apartment. “You okay?”
“Just needed some fresh air.” She takes the other beer from my hand and places it on her neck.
“I didn’t know you knew this many people.”
“I couldn’t tell you who half of these people are,” Chloe says. We both stare out into the city and watch the symphony of light across Manhattan. She leans her head on my shoulder and sighs. “So, this is it, huh?”
“What is?” I ask.
“This chapter.” She shrugs and then shifts to look at me. “I don’t know…throwing parties and not knowing what we want to do with our lives.”
I take a sip and nod. Maybe there’s a difference between not knowing what we want to do and not being able to actually doit.
“But this next chapter is going to be pretty fucking great, Chloe,” I say.
“Maybe…I mean, don’t get me wrong,” she says. “I’m so grateful I’m at this point in my career, but sometimes I wish I could have it all. Is that selfish?”
“What do you mean?”
“Love and shit,” she sneers.
Chloe’s never said she’s wanted a relationship. She’s dated many guys and I’ve never seen her shed a tear for any of them. I’m finding solace in knowing that she wants what all of usdo.
“It’s not selfish to want love,” I say.
“I’m just tired. Tired of people finding their person and getting married, or engaged, and meanwhile I can’t even get a text back for a second date.”
If a beautiful woman like Chloe who’s on the path to becoming a lawyer is having dating problems, I’m fearful for the rest ofus.
“You are the most confident person I know, and if—”
“But I don’t know if that’s a good thing,” she says, and opens her beer. “I’m learning men are afraid of a confident woman.”
“Then you’re dating the wrong men,” I say.
“Men are the worst.”
“What about Ethan?”
“Get fucking real.” She makes a face of disgust. “You’re lucky you have Adam.”
“Adam?” I almost choke on my drink.
“Yeah,” she says earnestly. “Do you know how hard it is to find that?”
Words escape me, because I’m not positive I know what Chloe’s getting at, so I ask my next question carefully.
“You…want a guy like Adam? Or you…want Adam?”
A loud cackle comes out of her. “You’re sick—he’s like my brother. I mean what you and Adam have. ”
“Chloe…” I groan, not wanting to have this conversation again.
“Okay, can you be real with me for a minute?” She takes a sip of her beer. “Do you seriously not see him that way?”
“No,” I say for probably the hundredth time.
“So, you’re not attracted to him?”
“Chloe—”
“No, seriously, just humor me for a minute here.” She squares her hips to me. “You look at Adam and you’re telling me you don’t see an attractive man?”
Do I look at Adam and see a six-foot-three man with a head of dark wavy hair, broad shoulders, toned arms, deep hazel eyes with a slight freckle of green in the sun, and a smile that makes me go weak?
Do I look at Adam and see a friend whom I trust with my life, someone who will do anything for me, protect me at all costs, and be a shoulder to cry on when I needit?
“Okay, fine, I do. But so what? He’s an objectively good-looking person!”
“Then what’s the problem, June?” Chloe’s tone changes.
I stand up and lean against the edge of the fire escape watching the neon spectacle below. When we’re down there the world feels so small, like all that matters is us. Up here, you realize how big the world is, how insignificant we really are.
“He’s one of my best friends, Chloe,” I say.
My memory flickers to that night in the kitchen like it was only yesterday. I can almost feel the heat that pooled within me all over again.
“Men don’t act the way he does for their friends. ” Chloe stands up and leans beside me. “Can I give you my honest opinion?”
“Haven’t you been doing that this whole time?” I raise an eyebrow.
“I think the two of you would be really fucking great together.” She points the top of her beer bottle to the party. “And I think he hasn’t made a move because he doesn’t know where you’re at. Talk to him.”
I shake my head. “I can’t risk losing him.”
She frowns. “I think trying to keep him might be the bigger risk.”
For a few seconds, we both stay silent. Beneath us, the sounds of horns honking and music from clubs starting to open echo to our level. My eyes rise to the night sky—maybe because you can actually see stars tonight, or maybe because I don’t want tears to fall down my cheeks.
“You know what I think?” I nudge my body against hers. “I think that there’s about seventy people in there who are all celebrating you, and you need to enjoy it.”
“If I must,” she says, rolling her eyes.
“And hey.” I grab her hand. “I appreciate you.”
A smile takes over her face. “I appreciate you.”
The two of us crawl through the kitchen window back into the party, and Chloe immediately gets pulled into a conversation with a group of people I don’t know.
The garbage can is already overflowing with red Solo cups and beer bottles, so I pull out the trash bag and replace it with a new one. Considering Chloe’s apartment is the size of a shoebox, typical for New York, I make an effort to be the good friend and at least throw this down the chute.
While pushing my way through the front door, I see two people making out in the hallway. Making out is actually putting it loosely; the girl is pressed up against the wall, torso on display, with the guy’s hand under her shirt. His lips are on her neck as she breathes out—
“Adam.”
“Shit.” An audible gasp escapes me as I drop the trash bag.
“June—” Adam immediately steps away from Michelle and wipes his palm over his mouth while she adjusts her top.
“I’m sorry,I—”
“Wait, June—”
“Sorry, I was just taking out the trash.” I clutch the bag of garbage and rush past them to the end of the hall.
I try to erase the image of Adam in a feral state from my mind. He never shares details, but I know he’s been with plenty of women, and to see it with my own eyes confirms all of my not-so-idle curiosity.
The only thing similar to this shock was two summers ago, when I saw Adam shirtless for the first time and I was quite taken aback by the sight, more intrigued than anything.
What I’m feeling now is more…hurt. Like I’ve lost him.
He was never mine to lose, but now knowing I can lose him, that’s almost scarier.
After stuffing the trash down the chute, I turn around and catch Michelle going back into Chloe’s apartment. But Adam hasn’t moved from his spot. Instead, he’s standing in place, waiting for me. He’s over fifty feet away, yet I can see the flare of his nostrils.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t want you to see that,” he says, and walks toward me, the sound of the party muffled through the walls.
“See what?” I play it cool. Maybe almost too cool, because he raises an eyebrow. “I don’t care.”
“Yeah, but still.” He runs a hand through his hair, and I catch a whiff of alcohol on him. “That’s why I came out here.”
“You didn’t have to come out here for my benefit; you’re an adult.” I walk past him, but he grabs my arm and then immediately letsgo.
“Look, I just feel shitty, okay?” he says. “So let me apologize.”
“You have nothing to apologize for.” I fake a laugh. “Would you care if I was out here making out with a random guy?”
“Yes.” He says it almost too quickly, and I wonder if he heard me correctly.
“Well, I don’t care, Adam,” I continue, “so don’t worry about it.” I walk back to the party, unsure exactly why I can feel my eyes welling.