Scooter
I've been told by several different people at various times in my life that I'm an old soul. Mature. Wise beyond my years. In my friendship group back home, I'm the one my buddies come to for advice.
I'm also smart and love animals more than anything in the world. A combination of qualities that have uniquely primed me for where I’ve ended up: villain on a smash-hit reality TV show that follows the lives of five veterinarians sharing a house in LA as we navigate life, friendship, animals, and dating.
Is this where I thought I'd end up? No. I was perfectly happy to stay in Clovelly, work at the local vet clinic, and live a typical small-town existence.
But life had other plans.
And by life, I mean producers extraordinaire Jack Vildermann and Eddie Harrin, who plucked me out of obscurity and dropped me smack-bang into a TV show that's changed my life forever.
Not always for the best.
"Where's Carrot?" I ask, annoyed that he's keeping us waiting and even more annoyed that the first day of shooting hasn't involved any animals, just the five of us lounging by the pool in Speedos I'd give my friends shit about if they ever wore, forced to talk almost exclusively about the imminent arrival of our latest cast member that was only sprung on us late last week.
"His name is Cabot," Seth corrects for not the first time today, letting his smile linger on his lips for the camera, effortlessly photogenic without even trying.
In fact, the entire cast is ridiculously attractive.
There's Seth with the best TV hair since Rachel in Friends according to People magazine.
Gabriel whose boyish eyes and dimples drive fans wild.
Blaine who should be a linebacker and not a vet based on his solid build alone.
And Keegan who is practically a walking piece of art, covered in tattoos from the neck down.
I'm the exception.
The oldest of the gang, for starters, and the one who needs the most airbrushing with my Dumbo ears, big nose, and acne-prone skin on the lower half of my face, which I'm thankfully able to mask with a beard.
I like my messy brown hair, though, and I've been told I have an expressive face, which I assume is a compliment?
I'm smart enough to know I wasn't hired for my looks. In an increasingly PC world where people are worried about their image and the potential fallout of anything they say, most prefer to not rock the boat and say nothing.
Not me. I speak the truth.
Sometimes it's funny, like when I chided an owner for being unable to get his stubborn Akita on the scale and proceeded to get down on all fours myself to beckon the giant dog onto the shiny square on the floor.
Other times it can be uncomfortable, like when I tore an owner to shreds when they brought in a cat so painfully thin and clearly malnourished I could see its spine and every rib.
Either way, it makes for good TV. And at the end of the day, that's what this game is all about.
"Hey, everyone. Sorry to keep you all waiting.
" All heads—and cameras—turn to the sound of the booming voice.
The guy, dressed in the skimpiest Speedo of all, talks straight down the barrel like he's entering the work room and delivering his opening line on RuPaul's Drag Race.
"I'm Dr. Cabot Ledger. But don't worry, boys…
" He glances over his left shoulder, presumably to look at 'the boys,' when we're actually positioned in front of him. "I only bite on weekends."
The five of us, all off camera now, exchange glances.
"What the fuck is this?" I mutter as Cabot hams it up with a series of sexy poses for the camera, culminating in a double bicep flex.
No, but really.
The network wanted to capture our first time meeting the newest addition to the show on camera, but is this some sort of joke? The KUWTV meets Punk'd crossover the world didn't ask for and definitely doesn't need.
Done posing, Cabot strides over to us, and I can already see how this scene will play out on screens around the world. Slow motion and sultry music will definitely be involved as the camera laps up every golden inch of skin and every taut, rippling muscle on his body.
He greets Keegan, Blaine, Seth, and Gabriel with warm hugs and friendly chitchat that seems to come naturally to him.
I use the time to size the guy up. I've had a bad feeling about this casting call ever since producer Eddie broke the news to us. Out of all the production crew, I'm closest to him. He was cagey about the last-minute hire, and it really unsettled me.
Why does the show need another cast member? And more specifically, why does it need another hot cast member? I really hope Cabot's not here to replace any of the other guys. Being the oldest, I tend to slip into big-brother mode and am super protective of them. I will not let shit like that slide.
"Well, well, well…" Cabot's ocean blues sparkle as he drifts over to me. "And who do we have here if not the meanest, baddest vet on the block, Mr. Scooter Burns."
"That's Dr. Burns," I correct, and judging by the smirk on Cabot's ridiculously handsome face, I walked right into that one.
With close-shaved blond hair and blue eyes, he's got the quintessential all-American jock look down pat.
A tiny turtle tattoo to the right of his washboard abs is the edgiest thing about him.
Apart from his actual abs, that is, which look like they've never met a block of cheese they couldn't handle.
"My apologies, doctor." He walks around me, slowly and in ridiculously close range, which is a super weird thing to do in real life but will play well on-screen. Have to hand it to him, for someone with no TV experience, he's playing his part perfectly.
When he's back in front of me again, he drops his pointer finger onto my exposed shoulder and makes a sizzling hiss. "Did I just get…burned?"
I grit my teeth, determined not to give him any sort of reaction, which is what he's baiting me for. First I played right into his hands with his opening remark, and now he's using one of my catchphrases against me. This kid is really smart.
That's when it hits me like a pup doing a post-poop zoomie. Cabot Ledger isn't gunning for any of the other guys' spots—he's here to take mine.