Chapter 24. Juniper
Juniper
SONG OF THE DAY:
“Christmas Makes Me Cry” by Kacey Musgraves
It’s so bright outside
it takes a moment for my eyes
to adjust.
Lyric is holding my hand
leading by just a couple steps
as we stomp through
thick snowbanks.
It’s midmorning.
The neighborhood is still
and sleepy. The howling of the storm
long gone.
Families no doubt inside
staying warm
playing with gifts
preparing meals
enjoying the holiday and
the new sunshine.
Wanna talk about it?
Lyric asks as we walk.
Can we just be quiet
for a little longer?
I can do that.
Lyric nods.
My mind is cloudy
but as my legs and heart
start to pump with the effort
of walking in heavy snow
it begins to clear.
We make it all the way down the block
to a small park
that’s really just an island
in between two streets.
Lyric stops
under a big oak
where we lean against a frozen trunk
trying to catch our breaths.
Damn. That was a workout,
she says
after a moment.
I can’t believe you run outside
when it’s like this.
You get used to it,
I say.
So …
Lyric starts.
How are you doing?
Amazing. Never been better.
I snort.
Come on, Juniper.
Be for real.
I take a deep breath
start again: Sorry.
I’m so confused
and mad
right now.
There have just been
so many secrets
and also
I expected them to be
a little mad
but after all that’s happened
I really thought
they’d support me
no matter what.
Obviously now I can’t go.
Um, no. That’s not
what I heard you say in there,
Lyric says.
You were clear and direct
about taking the gap year.
It was badass
if I’m being honest.
Well, I lied. OK?
And what is this shit
about being broke?!
I barrel on.
This is literally the first time
I am hearing this.
My mom just got this baller job
at State
we bought this big-ass house
something we could have never
afforded in Chicago—
and are we super rich? No!
But we’ve always been stable.
I think maybe
they are just trying
to protect you,
Lyric finally chimes in.
Money stuff
is always hard
to talk about especially
when pride is involved.
Well, I didn’t ask them
to protect me
from that.
I pout.
Can I be honest with you?
Lyric starts.
My whole body goes taut
like a rubber band being stretched
to its limit
because the way she says this
I can tell it’s going
to be
hard to digest.
I guess.
I understand you’re hurt.
But you did lie to them.
Lyric begins.
They get to have feelings too.
But just because they are mad
and won’t help fund your gap year
doesn’t mean you have to give up.
I mean, where’s your sense of hustle or pride?
This is your dream, your life, right?
I’m sure you can find a way to make it happen
if you stop being entitled
get a little creative.
I’m not entitled,
I growl.
Lyric doesn’t back off.
You are, a little bit.
I don’t think you realize how much
you take for granted.
For example, saying that
you’re not “super rich”
but have always been financially “stable”
is a really privileged position to be in.
You’ve never had to worry about
your electricity going out
because the bill wasn’t paid
or running out of groceries
or spent the Christmas holiday
wondering if there will be any gifts
or even a tree a turkey.
And now, you’re faced with a NO
from parents that have given you the world
and you just give up
because, what—
it’s going to mean working a little harder?
Trying to figure out a solution on your own?
Get over yourself, Juniper.
Some of us have been
scratching and fighting for our dreams
since we were born.
I am dizzy off-center
bile swirling in my gut.
Why is she saying all this?
It’s too much.
I think it’s time for you to go home,
I say finally, my voice low and harsh.
I know I am being a child
but I can’t stop the tantrum
I feel coming.
Juniper, Lyric sighs.
I’m not trying to
tear you down, really.
I’m trying to make you aware
of how much you already have
going for you.
I know you can do this
if you really want to.
I’m trying to tell you
I believe in you, Lyric says.
Well your timing is fucked, Lyric,
I yell.
I’m already trying to process
what happened in there
and now you dump this on me?!
You know what—I can’t do this right now.
Let’s just forget it.
I don’t know why you care so much.
We’re not even really dating.
With that little burst of word vomit
I turn my back to Lyric
start to stomp away toward home.
So, that’s it? Lyric calls after me
her voice wobbling.
You can be all prying and
in my business twenty-four seven
but when I try to
give you some feedback
you just dismiss me?!
I can see what you’re doing.
Can we just try
to be here for one another for real?
Today has been hard for me too.
Oh really? I’m so shocked.
I turn around and yell
before I can stop myself.
Your life is always so hard, Lyric.
Nobody has a harder life than you!
Lyric’s eyes turn to daggers.
What the fuck
is that supposed to mean?
I shrug. I know I’m in
too deep.
Look—never mind. Forget I said that.
Why don’t you just focus on your shit
and I’ll focus on mine, alright?
I will not forget it,
Lyric fires back, stepping closer to me.
That’s a really low blow, Juniper.
I get that you’re hurt
right now
but you do not get to weaponize
my background
or family against me.
What the actual fuck!
I—I didn’t mean …
Oh, I think you did.
I knew this would happen.
I’m not doing this with you. This is trash.
Watch how fast I’ll be out of your life!
I’d rather take Grammy back to our freezing apartment
than spend one more second with you.
I watch in horror
as Lyric stomps
off ahead of me
back toward the house.
I know I should go after her
say I’m sorry
hold her in my arms
let her know that this
isn’t fake for me.
That our kiss last night
and these past weeks have been
so good with her.
But I don’t. I can’t.
Everything is too messed up
too turned around.
So, I stay locked in place
my boots sinking farther
and farther into a wet snowbank.
I don’t call out.
I watch her become
a small dot on the horizon
until she disappears.