Chapter 25. Lyric #2
“Both? Things got complicated. Grammy and I went over there when the storm started. And it was good—really good. Juniper and I kissed, but then, I don’t know.
It all blew up. She’s got some shit going on with her family, so she took it out on me when I tried to give her some advice. Maybe my delivery was off—but—”
“Time out.” Kiana stops me. “YOU KISSED?!”
“Please don’t make a big deal out of this. I don’t think it meant anything to her.”
“But it meant something to you?”
I shrug. “Did I catch feelings—a little, I admit it. But it’s over now, Ki. Done. She’s going through her own mess, and I don’t have time to deal with her lashing out at me.”
Kiana’s mouth is set in a line as she picks a piece of lint off of the floor.
Finally, she looks at me. “OK, let me get this right. You were fake dating online, but come on, you’ve both had crushes on one another this whole time, everyone could see it.
So, you finally admitted it, you kissed each other, she said some dumb emotional shit, and now it’s just over? ”
“She basically called me broken and damaged.”
“Ouch. OK, that’s not cool.”
“It’s whatever—I’ve had worse things said to me in my life. It was more so the way she got cold, distant. I could just tell it wasn’t going to work out for us. That she was going to leave me. Everyone does.”
Kiana scoffs.
“What?!”
“It’s just you always say that, but I’m here. Ms. Mills is here. Your grandma. Robbie adores you and your sense of fashion—seriously, you should see if they’ll hire you at Stella’s one day. Listen, sometimes you do exactly what Juniper did to you.”
“Ki—when have I ever said mean shit to you like that?”
“No, that’s not what I meant. You just disappear, or push people away, ghost. Like—I’ve been texting since we left on our trip, and you’ve barely given me anything.
I was worried. You didn’t even tell me you didn’t have heat!
We could have figured out how to get you into our house to stay here even earlier.
You don’t have to go through everything alone, you know?
And then with Jamison, you—well, I just don’t want you to repeat that toxic pattern with Juniper. ”
“Jamison! Jamison is a dick. He’s had it out to ruin this thing between me and Juniper since day one!”
“Lyric, be fucking for real. Didn’t you grab Juniper for that initial photo under the tree specifically to make Jamison jealous? Get back at him?”
“I mean, yeah, at first. But he—”
“I’m going to stop you right there. But ‘he’ nothing.
You did want him to notice and be jealous—and then when he is jealous, you don’t take any ownership for your actions.
Come on! You are both participating in this.
Admit it. I don’t think you even love him—I just think you love the power you feel playing games with him. ”
“Ouch,” I say quietly.
“Well, sorry but not sorry. You need to squash this competitiveness with him. So both of you can move on.”
“He has moved on!” I say.
“Lyric—he was in love with you. He tried to tell you, and you just didn’t hear it, or want to believe it.
And then you cheated that first time, and it kind of broke something in him.
He tried to play the off-and-on game with you, but—well, he’s really happy with his new girl.
But he wanted to be happy with you. I think seeing you with Juniper, fake dating or not, has been hard for him. ”
I am speechless. “No, he didn’t.”
“Yes, he did. Accept it. You’re totally lovable, Lyric. You just don’t seem to believe it.”
“I don’t know why it’s so difficult for me to accept that,” I whisper, looking down into my glass.
“Well, I’m also no expert,” Kiana admits. “Just better at giving advice than taking it myself, I guess.”
“What do you mean?”
Kiana is silent for a beat. “Holden and I had sex.”
“WHAT?!” I scream.
“Shhhhhh, I don’t want the whole house to hear.”
“I will not. Spill the tea, now. I can’t believe you let me talk first. So are you and Holden together together?”
“I don’t know … I mean, it happened after Winter Formal.”
“WHAT?!” I scream again. “This happened over a week ago and I am just now finding out. Wait—where did it happen … when? Juniper and I were with you all night—”
“Um, it happened after I dropped you both off. In the car … we parked down the street from my house and just planned to talk and then, well, you know…”
I laugh. “Kiana—this is too juicy. Wow. Why are you frowning? Isn’t this what you’ve wanted?”
“It is. But I think I made it weird.”
“How?”
“So, we had sex, and then I don’t know. He stayed over, on the couch like we planned, and I went to my room, and the next morning we had breakfast with my dads and I panicked because he’s one of my oldest friends, and I don’t want to lose that, so before he left I told him we should just ‘forget about what happened’ and yeah—now he’s not responding to any of my texts.
He didn’t even respond the last two days, when I texted that I was in Grand Rapids with my grandparents.
He always wants to see me if I’m in town. ”
I am speechless. My solid, confident, knows-exactly-what-she-wants, talented-at-everything friend just totally sabotaged herself.
“But you do—want to be with him, romantically.”
“I really do.”
“Then tell him that.”
“I’m trying to, but he’s not communicating with me at all. What am I supposed to do? Make a grand gesture like in a romantic comedy or something? Show up at his door? I’d look like a fool.”
“You’re not a fool. You’re gorgeous and smart and the best,” I say, starting to feel gooey and warm from the gin.
“So are you, my heart,” Kiana slurs, holding up her almost-empty tumbler. “My brilliant, beautiful, talented friend. We’re gonna figure our messy lives out one day, I promise. But not tonight because I think I’m kinda drunk.”
That sends us both into a fit of laughter.
“Hey,” I say after I’ve caught my breath. “It’s still Christmas. I think we celebrate being miserable with more booze, a little dancing in our jammies, and a comfort show.”
“Cheers to that!” she responds, clinking our glasses. We down the last drops and sneak to the bar cart for more gin. By the stroke of midnight we are danced out and wasted, curled in Ki’s bed together watching A Different World on her laptop.
I might regret my decisions tomorrow, but for now, I am exactly where I need to be: tucked next to one of the best people I know—someone who loves me and sees me fully.